Things on my Body

a shirt

underwear

backteria

hair

dirt

dead skin cells

dead backteria

eyelashes

small cuts

eyebrow mites

toenails

fingernails

freckles

moles

goosebumps

ink

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately
wasted
life

among so many
deliberately
wasted
lives

is.

always believe that God is with you

and fear nothing

it was best like this

She' Mad but She' Magic

Singing, Reading, Eating

I've been singing a lot. I might possibly like my voice now, but it's very timid in public.

My reading material of late have been Walden and Cunt, both manifestos in sorts, but urging individual expression. This is difficult for me. I don't know what I love. I know who I love, and the intangible things I love about them, but very few verbs. Reading. Sketching. Walking in new places. Swimming? Singing? Cooking? Considering this, I walked to the more distant, local grocery store. (As opposed to the big, fancy, overpriced store for college students.) There, I bought ~14lbs. of fruits and vegetables, four pounds of pasta, crackers for Bubba, and a gallon of milk. A $30 investment and a realization- conclusion #1, I want to eat a variety of fresh, healthy foods. If I continue to buy $30 of food a week, my expenses will be roughly $400 over the semester, considering supplements from home. The cheapest Temple meal plan, 5 meals a week, is $700. Good move, me.

Emptying Text Drafts

I never knew what happened on the boys side of sex ed talk, Large scale water colors, can't remember my last conversation with a black person, Learn how to French braid, Synchronized skateboarding, Making unrequited love, Have a liquor cabinet, Mathematician drinking games, You have to do something long term with your hair, The medium of a phone call is so much more urgent, Make real frosting, Immersion perfectionist, Potluck tomorrow, What's Gab's schedule, The shapes plants grow, Books on gardening, Get trees, Tea time with Penrose officials, Gardening club as horticultural society, Gardening newspaper, Soil samples, Hang out with Christine, Becoming an adult: alcohol independence, financial independence, social independence, Study so you know how to talk to professors, When were closets brought to the American frontier? Imagine a friendly neighborhood until people start walking through it like they have money and you're gonna be nothing, Legitimate whore make up, Do you still encounter people who think of you as an uncle Tom?

Concentrated Indian population in Philly, Urban Land Project, Make Naan, Tent cathedral, augmented reality, Video of a clock, Electronic Rube Goldberg machine, Optical illusions that are actually moving, Pumpkin capitol of the world, Gutters that play with rain [like fridge magnets], Cinemagraphic porn, Stained glass as frame to the outdoor rather than gate, Your loading screen is your desktop, How many people are kissing no asses above them, Comic Belief, Positively defined legal system, do sirenians have vestigial hair structures? If you're gonna buy a stolen bike, might as well steal yourself the one you want, Old Chris Rock Political special, Food used to take work and effort to prepare and eat, that's why you shared it with the family- to share the burden of cooking, Pun rock, The phrase "takes no prisoners" isn't really intimidating, that could be the motto of just about everyone, Dopapod, To ship something used to be very literal, Broadcast two visual frequencies overlapping, Rodeph Shalom,

stories from New Years of every year, finish Wuzaland, This ache I feel is crying protest from abandoned nerve endings, Can an invasive species be endangered? Flock of bees pulling your bike, Do birds nests create unique bacterial colonies? Ignorinse, How does the brake connecting cable work on a bike? Hydroponic plan, Too good to be truism, Public transportation to Bloomsburgh, Mondragon [Wiki article], School for experimental living, Ratio of stubby squirrel, yeast is the least expensive animal, I'd like to take a poll of things that are on the ground, Johnny Weed Seed, Neurons that fire together wire together, Transparent stickers like stained glass, Angles you've never seen other people from, Fish with balls, Thrustration, The Church of Oprah, he turned water into Franzia, Drinking faster gets you smashter, Lock self in room- practice beat boxing, Psychadelicate, Paranoid pear, Federalist papers, We'll be yodel revival, Are cowboys grown ups, Homemade public mosaic, Fireflies in winter, by what order do leaves change color on a tree?

Praxiology, Watch Roots, Are hard crunchies most efficient for cats, Free energy, Wearehunted, NDAA, St. George, Seed emporium, Chinese markets, Scientology school, What French is Gaga saying in Bad Romance? Why is there no E in the grading system, TCG bamboo, Libervox, Chap hop, Kill Bill, 24Bslash6, Noma bar, What exactly is army camouflage supposed to camouflage with? Pita recipe, I got hose on my dick like a Hookah, Hookah goose, the point of hip-hop is to become the man, "Party bard," aluminum foil origami, Time traveling to meet yourself from the future, but from the perspective of the old guys, People who travel by helicopter, November 3rd at 7

Work camp, Why are dreams so easily lost? Philly Home Show, Lay practicing celibacy, Consequential ethics, Chernobyl mushrooms, What year did I learn the most words? BitCoins, Summer URP list, Liberty dollar, Practice ridiculous thinking, Eudaimonia, The Art of Rhyme, West Virginia party thing artists playing in Philly, Teaching English in Japan, Really busy scene in reflection, How do ivy plants work? Buses smell like the subway- same cleaner? I assume that everyone can see and hear equally well, Tolerance result of literal lung clogging, Schuman 8, We need more stories of the honest politician, Whatever happened to neighbors? Imagine a room entirely filled with perfectly brushed human hair, The words in the story couldn't be twisted around to tell you what they meant (which was how to tell you) so they went into a song and were twisted to work, but the song, by being able to twist it, is therefore not true, because it "wouldn't" twist around at which point it did, loop it, Art students generation to generation, Culturally black jazz

Planned glass breaking, Randy Whorewal, Crayon shaping, Temple blood donation, Instead of turning up volume, turning up hearing, Phila.gov/green, Pearodactyl, Gun drawn on me, two ladies one bathroom, Going into priesthood to flirt, The bureaucratized campaign staff, When have I ever lain naked in the grass? Art colleges with a campus? Strangers are very ordinary looking, Ancestral wild, Where is the Bell Tower's music control? College of Visual Studies, Escher Quilt, The Cave as finding a place of vision finding in multiple cultures, Best Buy gift card for speakers, Temple Station mural, We think of things as Wholly Spatially Separate, Little jelly jars, "Fooo some e-a-son," Humans are aware of and observing the system, Wheezing train in the train, Raindrops are objects not a condition, Sharing afternoon drinks, Going to California is so magical with the right guy, cars subverting On the Road public transportation vs. car as American romance, Olympic ring handcuffs, you have done an evil thing,

Fig Chinese Chesnut, Home made hot coco-mac and cheese, Girl Talk, Biggie, Butterfly collecting, Ring necked pheasant-Northern flicker print, Toothed wings, Butterfly weed, Pennsylvanian mango, Tiny dragon rats, Giant Vulture, How were steinpustr [stegosaurus] spikes connected? Bonds? Stamp making rubber, Canvas online, Sonia Sanchez, Rumi, CouponQueen.com, Marion Cooke, tromb, EL&IC, Find Temple laser cutter, Koons, Dinosaur turtle necks, Mittany Lion, Conch Republic, How does instant oatmeal work? Personalized knitting machine, Tobacco comparison effect, Emily Dickinson, Make own deodorant, Climbing club, Make a kite, Church music in Philly, Refine and print TCG posters, Thumb-stained glass-R2D2 mail box, Draw a music video, Tech Center big printer online, Nina Simone, Lou Reed, Theme Week: Break the Rules, Made, Powerless, Silence, right?, The Velveteen Rabbit,

Get M83, Develop or find an easier calendar app, Make ornaments for library trees, At the break of drawn, I don't love God, I love his beauty, Quiet is much better in person, Picking yard, Long haired chinchilla, Oscar for the Prettiest Actress, Megamouth shark, Why are sine waves the most effective way at moving through water? Indian catfish, Volta, Do bees have similar wing patterns, How do flies land on glass? [can flies land on frictionless surface] Ultraviolet flower patterns, Pillars have to be massive, Series of buildings mimicking the microscopic, Alex Gray, Why isn't there a rise and influence of Catholicism-Christianity course, Sticky tack, castile soap, rolling pin, moisturizer, pie plate, acrylic paint, fruit, vegetables, collars, "meat," cheese, soap, coconut oil, pasta, red sauce, rice cooker, turtle tails as sex organs,

Travel

I'm not sure if I like traveling yet. It motivates me to appreciate otherwise mundane things, like residential architecture and street trash but is exhausting and expensive. This is alleviated, in part, by my skill of bus sleeping, but there's only so many hours I can handle jiggling in my sleep.

Free- 9/14, 9/15/09

"Burns life into anxious hollows"

This poem captures a far off summer, a season of adventure.

My summer felt a fiery hazy

Of when I belted out Amazed

In snuck out car with snuck out friend

And borrowed things not mine to lend

Of rafting down the Brandywine

And blessed a prayer with Jewish wine

In nature and that gallery

I lost and loved, respectively

Free- 9/16/09

He told me he wants back the time when he loved me innocently. Mathematically, in the scale of eons and universe, no measurable time has past. On the scale of chemical reactions, elements have spanned their lifetimes, creation, from ceasing to exist in billions and billions of reactions since that time. He wishes I hadn't grown up and discontent, hadn't become something lustful within the realm of conquest. We are complicated now, very different from the two dimensional characters of naive idealism.

Free write

I enjoy prose for prose. It's how I get through plotless novels. If you're saying something beautiful in an ugly way, like Bukowski, I'll listen. If you're filling the air with the grass and flowers of Ginsberg, even if you're not saying anything, I'll listen.

Only human, that's all he has left of his humanity.

My favorite muralist is Orozco.

From the grey nothingness we are born and into the obscurity of death we fade. The twisted between is something of a monotonous brilliance.

Free write- 10/6, 10/13/09

"Bare feet invite trouble." It is both a warning and a mantra of hope, "let there be adventure." My mom is ashamed of my wanderers feet. While they are not hobbits, she is horrified my calloused feet will ever appear in public in high heels without a professional pedicure, but this is not for me. From the very first day of spring, crossing vast expanses of grassy neighborhoods to visit a friend, to the frozen fall evening of barefoot bear wrestling, shoes are worn with dread. Unfortunately, until the warm winds beckon again, I'll stick to wearing my socks.

Kill all the humans. Nobody will get hurt and the world will be safe.

I love nerds. I'm not cool enough for anything more and get bored with anything less. I've been promised the stars and seen my fair share of them.

Suddenly, college diversity essays got a lot harder. Pronouns were the first to go, followed by pesky adjectives like "lanky, brunette, exceptional..." Capitalism was undermined; Everybody cheered until nobody wanted to be a farmer. Society began collapsing like a chandelier sprung loose in silent fall, with a crash of great orchestration.

Free write

a broken down lawn mower covered in grass

electrical lines in Lancaster

Conservatives who don't support women's choice until they have an accident

a fatty eating a whole tub of low fat ice cream

vegetarians wearing leather

Andy Dick sexually assaulting a girl

war to end war

hypocrisy is ironic

Titanic, the unsinkable ship, went down on its maiden voyage

woman crashing her car

squeaky sneakers

Yuri Gagarin dying in a plane crash

English teacher using bad grammar

All of the Possible Fears in the Whole World

heights-water-sharks-spiders-barking dogs-failure-being left all alone despite trying to have a fulfilling life- the people you love will die a sad painful untimely death - old age- death to your own, physical body- that you will trip and fall in front of people and they will laugh even though it hurts a little- that you or a loved one will being a continuous pain- you will be poor and hungry on the streets- fear that you will suddenly lose the ability to understand people - fear of abandonment- being robbed by a black man- being violated- rape-black people-big words-you'll forget your lines or your speech in front of a big crowd- lions-tigers-wild beasties-the unknown-things that are different from you- that sociable, upper class women will make fun of your fashion- rejection after you expose yourself to someone who you care about and you hope they will not hurt you--you will get mad at someone you love and then that night something very terrible will happen to them and you will never be able to ask forgiveness or tell them you love them - being buried alive- bad omens-losing your hair- getting cancer or something other terrible, wasting disease that will allow you to witness your own decay before death- zombies- curses- werewolves-vampires-rabies-bats-that you will be obsessed by something and it will drive you mad-needles-hospitals-science-drowning

Ugh.

I've been crying a lot and not crying a lot.

I breathe pretty consistently.

Sometimes, I almost feel rational again.

I made an awful choice, and it sucks. I want it undone. I want Bubba, but there's no going back from breaking his trust so unexpectedly where it was fragile to begin with.

It's so much more physically painful than I expected.

I cried on the phone with my mom.

I cried when Kevin texted me.

I cried at the freakin' wind ensemble performance.

Where to go from here? It can't be friendship, because I want him too much. I'm hurt. He is hurt. Trying now to start a foundation would be too soon. And I can't see why my friendship would be worth trying to him. I didn't feel good enough in the relationship, no reason to feel so now.

It had been a while since I blogged (ugly word). The unfortunate reason is that I don't really have anyone to talk honestly about this except Kevin, who is Bubba's housemate. I told my mom everything, but couldn't tell her I was crying on the phone. Nobody in my life even knew we were dating, let alone that it's already over. If these feelings had been caused by anybody else, I would've gone to Bubba.

Deep down, I know we're not "long term relationship partners." Yeah, we have fundamental differences, but GODDAMN WE'RE CHILDREN. I couldn't stay in the beautiful moments with him, or I didn't try hard enough.

I spoiled a lot of happiness.

Text Drafts

Draft #1:
Marry somebody Jack is excited to see, Get good at Bridge- play with old people, Michael's to get Mom's circle stitching, Food sovereignty, lifetimes lived/experienced at different magnitudes, breaking into Temple finances, giraffe with cow spots, Invent a better pin, Mass produced raspberry farms?, Honors weekly email promoting banquet, becquerel, Jean onesies, realizing the condensation is on the wrong side of the window, Stanford Engineering Everywhere, So vandalous, There are certain things that movies make up that feel like they should belong more in real life than imagination, Gab, I am not good enough for you at all. When you go on an adventure, you don't really consider the scope or scale, There were a lot of people wanted to tell me about Jesus, Learning Matters, Philly Grad Coach, Ken Robbinson, rotary cell phone, people recommend good thoughts to have at certain experiences, this song cats dancing, Kira judging us, me pitying Gab to appease Kira, the white queen,

Draft #2:
I'd be much more beautiful without a mirror, My ears are full of dead air, Finally really start G**** family cook book since I am only third gen. female G****, Climbing on shit is biologically instinctive, Cut out the unimportant things, You know you're from GV if, ENH det, Become friends with Kat, Find quality beauty products, Men are in danger because Jack Kerouac is more valued than Jack London, I like the tone of xkcd as something completely different, Read Jack London, Living viv(id), Find the Insectarium, Take Latin and dance classes, People to visit: AJ, Steve, Stasi, Steve, Jack, Ceci, free fun shit in Philly, where do the sounds go?, overcumming, infinite hands of music to this moment, rage feminine visceral, senses of beauty, of mind/body, Death by exploding turkey, peacoat hoodie, Guy picking up trash off the road killer movie, What was Temple doing in the 60s? pop icon, "I've been thinking less of you," Making out for lost time, in a dry manor pun short story, bleach stencil, spider web as structural support against shrapnel.

Draft #3:
I am defined by my gender, by my sex, making my definition one of sex, Philly Rocky Horry, Look into Neuman Center, Tissues and lotion in every bedroom of middle America, symmetry is a sign of life, colored bubbles, Metal like ribbons slip in grease or oil or car blood to make me feel bad to feel worse there's no art no nothing to look at because some things block the view midnight mannequin,

Draft #4:
Etymology of understand, save text drafts, write Canada review, poster series, Sunday is me day, Write an honest evaluation of Creative Acts, I will be aware of my surroundings and take time to address them, I will let the nerves of my body be tingled and conscious, I will probe for the deeper understand of whole academic fields and individual human beings, I will find the exaltation of MAN MAN MAN and HOLY SPIRIT in art and music, I will select the few I need to love and make time for the ones who need me, it's hard being judged so don't do it, depth of life is more important than length, but some periods of life can be deeper than others, be alone, experience silence, being silly is not being honest, being kind is always honest nice is not, understand, be kind, do work, Make time to read, We are of the environment and not in it, I'm no even cool in the band, One of us will have to go to the other's funeral, All my mom wants is for me to think about her, I will never have a tattoo,

Draft #5:
Just me and Gab at the art museum, Name of sanskrit swastika, There's not enough excuses to bunker down together, Do we write love poems because of the idea of love poems or because something beautiful needs to be described in a way it deserves, each poem written to a girl independent of poetic awareness was the most beautiful one, There's still so far to grow, length and depth of your life, I have a secret talent that people trust me, I totally understand why I got the Home Ec Aware in middle school, novelty bongs, Toothcase from Quantum labs, Become friends with mike, Religious figure vs. Religious teacher, Collegiate theory class for music majors, homeless army people are the ones who couldn't blend with military morale because you lose everyone when you leave, Napolean conquers the west, Things always look dormy because why invest the time, Scrabble with Steve, see Stasi, Katie, Joe, Fava, Taylor :\, talk to Tom?, pack, shop, Matt's AJ, Mom, drumline packet,

Draft #6:
Pimp panda, Index finger history, hand history, Depth and interest are removed with difficulty, Will the universe crystallize? Singing in the style of improv, Honors kids don't go to parties at Welcome Week, Suburban white boys don't fuck black girls, Going to college should be like a job, Titties tassles show, The our father is exclusively a group prayer, Garnet Valley postcards, A vocation and vacation are very different, A lesson in Civics, Wrecklessness opposite of recklessness, You can't tell story about macroscopic societal forces except through the eyes of an individual, PSA against laughter while drinking, August 6Th Linvilla Orchards, In the role of toilet paper, Be engaged in my work, Djarn black clove cigarettes, Bit coins, Slam poetry in ASL, If the state is just Socrates is not, but if he is just, the state is not- He can't be corrupting youth because if current ideal Athens, difference is accepted, because look at what a great student I am,

Draft #7:
It's harder to talk to people now because there are so many things happening there's a lower chance of having something pop-culturally in common, Condom pixel mural, Universal bathroom hesitation, to autopsy a ballerina, The suburbs culture is only now starting to exist, nostalgia for past "homes," From scratch year of cooking, Religious ultimatum dictates general flow of society, The Republic censorship of god, Build a vaporizer, Cultural Darwinism, Literary fractal, "Loose lips sink scholarships," Son Shower, Profit of God, Sample Hall & Oates, American flags are in every single classroom in America, Grandma making harmonies, Be-attitudes, First generation to not attend church, slow degredation of church, Religions are a translation of the universe, the trinity was a prediction of religious form-repeat, People have to be trained right, "Parents aren't allowing their kids to get bored," Flabbergasted is the whitest word. First generation with cable television

Draft #8:
Funscape is a dream place, fish deposited at the edge of the ride, better safe than sorry for those who work in the gas industry nearby, missed personal connections for Dan G., Definknitly, Bender is the night, The Lyin' King, Dr. Doomlittle, the old man and the seaMonster, also know as a farwell to arms, Masterbait, writer's room service, garden of weedin', Concert benefit of the doubt, buy nice camera, bowls of fruit in front of crazy historical scenes, Bird graffiti, test pattern graffiti, get good with free hand, Thought blog, book storage, Super market art gallery, Scavenger hunt, Public art, I'm sorry for your moss, Kate Moss, I lichen it to... Daily Show, famous pen pal, alarmed clock, pillow pests (lice, flies, mosquitoes), rockin' horse, rocking and rolling horse, the WHOm, Sender's Game, mossman, symbol polish, broad street linemen, why T9?, laptophat, Lisa Frankenstein, trim the heard, whisker away, bed spread, dawn of the debt, ridiculously nonsensical visual puns: cabin net in cabinet, it's noon resting place was a kitty in,

Draft #9:
Athens cannot be just because if that is ideal justice they deserve to kill him except now not corrupt, if not, literary origami, do virtuous metaphors apply to socrates? Socratic plays style, What relation does the story have to reality, blind prophet from Oedipus, Greek exceptionalism, importance of music- it has an especially focused segment on corruption of youth, start out subtle- blaspheme the gods in a sneaky way before they're on guard, introduction of scientifically rigorous and proofed logic, poetic rhythm cultural symbolism? how was the work published and to whom? corrupted student and "lover?" relationship between ideal city and Athens, focus on the "one man, one job" thing in relation to outside criticism of Athenian democracy, it's ideal to not be a busy body like the Athens that murdered Socrates, "what is justice? justice was not killing Socrates," "it's right in front of your face the whole time," but that is the state, who is it individually being aimed at?, that is the content, but what is the style of ironic paradox saying?

Draft #10:
Art is to understand and capture (the human condition) in pure expression, so's science, timeless observer man, Need to know more Socratic background and Illiad, Who can save me from the lazy mellow? How are bagels made? Talk to a CAMs professor about the Republic being a farce, [sic]

Draft #11:
Nothing moves > light, Cambodia-America stickers, Hisptermination, WebSight, The air between a flock of birds, Origami Owl Towel, Write a horror movie, Guilloteen, Beach patrol scaring your friends with real patrol already there, I like the time when churches overflowed, Friendship awards night, Phone sext, Red Balloon viewing party, Beach beach party, Murder mystery party, Motorcycle license, Having blood on one's hands meant to have masturbated on your period, Big trucks as an actual visceral fear every day, Pro-government riot, Grape koolade and lemonade, Red dye beetle farms, Scuba underwater mapping system, giant red solo cup trash can, Al Qaida is not a Holy War, chip tune tiny beep turning into massive speakers, Flying carpet beach towel with tassels, Atoms moving through each other in "liquid ringed solid," Very few white girls have a perfect voice, the "hold me" was held, Mad Men, i get knocked down but I get up again, Ask dad for list of movie recommendations, To "become" an athlete. Become a musician. Become, not be. Edible soaps,

Draft #12:
Austin as Bassist, Star Wars Movie Night, Write Jill, Kevin, Katy, make stationary, Ben is tense, Famous architecture sand molds, What is chauvinism?, Are there salt analogues?, email NSA email guy, Text Josh H****, Text Mom, How did A. P*** get to be who he is? Ho wlong did Dan "think" after reading Zen? return his books, Charge the bike battery, clean room, hide stuffed animals, have keys and visa for ride, text Kat, dust blinds, store/hide photo books, get vibrator, talk to Dad about toilet seat, email R******* and G*********, post ISP/TOR in MDI, change sheets, wipe down bathroom heater, sponge kitchen things, do dishes?, move clutter, vacuum, intern for Penthouse,

Draft #13:
We haven't been to a party in a while because I haven't peed Like That In A While Lower classes Are More Gender Neutral, white Fancy Themselves ADAM In Naming All Things Named Unnamed "It's like opening the Lost Arc. All the Nazis melt."

Draft #14:
Dish soap, a genius unaware, secular Catholicism is Irish Catholicism, director of the Please Touch Museum, "high culture," obscure suburban legends, Kaczmarczik lectures, Franklin Institute astronomy night, pixeled condom art, theSpringGarden.org, Baked goods, Phillyurbancreators, Philly culture grant?, interactive mural map, indie move: friend helping through sex therapy, Daily Heller, mit course ware, craigslist yarn, Animal shoes, What are the Israeli reports for casualties of Hammas action, What is this charter in relationship to Hammas? Making mallets, Weaver's Way, Holy Trinity Bethlehem Church,

Draft #15:
Fluffy dandylions as firecrackers model human being, Slight green haze to burn the cloud cover, Phillippe Charlier- catacombs,

Draft #16:
Pre-fruit of evil is commentary on East/West spiritualism

Draft #17:
Women for Women international, tree decorated with bags, getting accepted to the wrong heaven, Little red riding hoodie, fairy tale album, Sing without refrain, Dracula on the stage, Here is eternal spring for you the very stars of heaven are dew, At my most troubled moment, I was a young woman, Quote on Mt. Zion Church, "Friendship is like a book, it only take a few seconds to burn."

Draft #18:
Baby wall filled with letters/journals, Tiger face paint a drunk person, Paint brush as grass, Birthday Dorothy Channing, Autotune Skype, Waterfall along curve of peeled orange, wicker body cage, Draw myself in the reflected bottom of a mug, Temple T essay, Oh my lord- peasant, Shark vs. Grizzly, little red riding hoodie, Window markers, Ink unbound from paper, monopole, oxygen diffuse across skin, way to/o normal illinois, say sorry to end consequences, Egg crate, cinder block art functionality, RealiTVH1, sky is the limit, Write essay in the shape of a naked lady, hard boil eggs in container, full sized Waldo cut out, write song, make music video, Destiny-destination, submit to wetriffs, how do you itching, neighborhood watch is easier when houses are close together, inflatable balloon that expands to umbrella, whisper down the lane with a phone number then call it, mosque-y toes, I'll never have to sneak out again, new friends reading old blogs, my uncle Mike tells stories where my dad is the witty hero, never seen squirrel poop

Picking Peaches

I like how the cats hang around the front step.

If I could be granted any wish, at this moment, I would wish to never be self-conscious so that I could be me all the time.

Tonight has been spent drawing feet and legs, since I so infrequently look at them.

I don't know if I want to go back to school yet. At the beginning of May, it couldn't come soon enough. Now, at the beginning of August, there are reasons to stay. Garnet Valley is a new place to me. I made more GV friends this summer than I have since freshman year band. I feel like a dowsing rod for excellence.

I wish I could read some of the letters that have been lost forever in Post Office purgatory.

Tom Jones FEAST

After $1 night bowling at AMF and running into Jeremy, we walked over to Arby's for exactly two curly fries and two sodas. Turned away at the walk in restaurant because it was closed, they directed us to the drive in. We returned to the cars, decided one car for seven people was most efficient, especially if the car in question was a Honda Civic. Pulling back around, the drive thru operator was amused by the late night antic. Accordingly, she gave us five extra dollar fries. Score.

Steve F. and I went back home to make brownies and talk. Someday we won't have this weird resistance between us, but still getting there. Almost as soon as we'd cut up the brownies, Nick called to escort me to Tom Jones. It was him, Gabby, Pat, and Aiden (whose name I remember!) in the car. They were grateful for brownies, especially Aiden the birthday boy. The ride was fun, some singing and a good discussion of Neil Young. At TJ's, we met up with Joel, Sarah, and Eric. It was good to see Joel, wonderfully enough. He's so purely oblivious in the best way, and Eric and Sarah are a comedic power couple. All but three of us ordered the Blue Ribbon Special. There was so much food and so much "stuff" on our table, it felt like a venerable feast. We lingered in conversation, tallied the money, but before leaving, saw two unexpected guests arrive in the restaurant. It was none other than Max G. and Ian! And they weren't alone, oh happy night! Taylor, "other Chloe," and Eric were also here! Some of the party in question had imbibed illicit substances, and the one whose body I would most like to touch spoke to me in drunken adoration. It was adorable! I'm infatuated! At this point, it was probably nearing two-ish? They ordered their meals, another round of Blue Ribbon Specials. It was so good! Promises were made for all of us to hang out again before the summer was over, and a few of us after the return to school. I got into my house a little shy of 4am. Beautiful life.

The Three Things I Learned at Motorcycling Class

"So be it! So be it! I cry in this manicured wilderness. "Who gives a damn!"
Excuse this outburst.

Motorcycling is not for me, though I learned a lot in the first five hour practice.

First, there are few things in my life I have needed or wanted that were difficult to learn. Motorcycling is one of them. It is a physical ride. My childhood fear of cars reverberates through the manufactured plastic and r-clips, and I question the lack of seatbelt. Frustration with the basic controls is compounded by knowing the consequence of a real-life failure. The pavement is very close and a huge number of otherwise minuscule forces have the potential for a really great moment. I alone seemed unable perform the simple motion of flex and squeeze, and I became childishly frustrated. That is the second thing I learned. I need to know that feeling of failure. It hurt in my gut and at the brim of my eyes- a full-bodied saline aftertaste that choked and stung. I sucked in my breath at the edge of crying. I queued the steps of stopping and asking to quit. Then I started breathing. I let it go. Some things won't come naturally, whether academically, in the work force, or growing a relationship. If I understand and anticipate this reaction, it will be easier to work through. It is how the body forces a reevaluation, whether to find a solution in walking away or trying something new. Finally, I recognized a good teacher. Two instructors monitored our course for the day. One, a retired Cornell math professor and grinning bike enthusiast named Tony, complemented his knowledge with unequaled encouragement. He knew I was frustrated, that I was scared and embarrassed. He responded with a soothing laugh that spoke "calm down, it's okay, take your time." He made me deeply ashamed of my impatient pride. If I am explaining something "stupidly easy" and the person doesn't catch on quickly, I am condescending and impatient in a disgusting way. How many times have I humiliated and discouraged my own mom asking for help? This arrogance needs to be purged if I ever intend to show love or kindness. Failure is a potent reminder to do so.

An excerpt from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s, Bluebeard:

"Fathers are always so proud, the first time they see their sons in uniform," she said.

"I know Big John Karpinksi was," I said. He is my neighbor to the north, of course. Big John's son Little John did badly in high school, and the police caught him selling dope. So he joined the Army while the Vietnam War was going on. And the first time he came home in uniform, I never saw Big John so happy, because it looked to him as though Little John was all straightened out and would finally amount to something.

But then Little John came home in a body bag.

App-uh-latch-uh

On Thursday, I took the train into Neshaminy for backpacking in the Appalachians with m'boys, aka Kevin, Jake, Bubba, and Austin. Bubba and Kevin were at the station to greet me with hugs and a ride to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2. Kevin's mom saved us seats while we toured their mall and went to Dollar Tree for snacks. A mall's a mall, but your own mall is filled with your friends, as we ran into Ryan, a friend of Kevin's. We didn't have time for knock-off DDR, unfortunately, but that meant it was time for the movie.

Okay, now I've been divorced from Harry Potter culture roughly since the day the seventh book came out. In the meanwhile, I was a Potter kid. I went to three or four book releases; I dressed up; I bought auxiliary merchandise. In any fiction, I love the construction of worlds. It's something J. K. Rowling had a knack for. In the fifth book, she departed from vivid descriptions of the culture and commerce of the wizarding world to focus on character development. Unfortunately, her characters were cardboard cut-outs of "I'm not interested." It was a big part of my childhood, but I moved on. That said, I cried three times during the film.

After that, we played Trivial Pursuit Junior at Kevin's until Austin was free to go swimming. It's very encouraging to rock the junior version. Austin has a salt-water pool, which was different. I was glad to see his pug, Pug, again. It's like an even more exaggerated version of a normal pug. Swimming, some food, and finally, bed time. The next day, Kevin went into Philly to get his passport, so I hung out with Bubba and ran errands. On the self checkout, I rang up my apples as bananas so I would stay under $7. It felt good and bad. We headed to Jake's to grab a backpack. Mrs. N missed me apparently, though we'd only met twiceish. That visit lasted longer than expected. Blah blah blah, I napped, we went to the meet up point to join the group of fourteen, we left. I quickly made a sing-along playlist, and got to belting as soon as we hit the highway. Two and a half hours later, we were lost, but close to the campsite. Bubba is the best driver of the bunch, so the woods were no match for the Outback.

It was rough stuff setting up in the dark, seeing as we got to the campsite after midnight. I slept outside on a picnic table, though not for lack of a tent. I kept my boots on through the night and experienced both unpleasant heat and chill under my sheet. In the morning, I started the fire and talked with Austin until everyone else woke up. We set off for the hike pretty quickly, and it retrospectively seems like a short time. We were drenched in sweat the entire time, and there were points where boys wrung out several ounces of sweat from their shirts. All in all, we hiked a little under ten miles of the Appalachian Trail, Pine Grove Furnace south to Caledonia and the return. The best part of the day was heading to the lake afterward. It was a horribly overrun tourist destination, but beautiful none the less. The first roped off section ended at 5', and the deeper portion at 30. We had a contest where we'd start where we could stand and swim along the bottom into the deep abyss. It was freezing once the depths hit below ~20'. Kevin, wearing goggles, reported that there were schools of fish in the murkier depths. Although there were three life guards on duty and our camping group alone consisted of four and a half lifeguards, visibility ended at 7', and we made jokes about dead bodies at the bottom.

We left to make our campground dinner of pre-packaged, dehydrated chicken noodle soup and beef stroganoff. The night lasted a while. We were reprimanded by the park ranger for noise during chirades, of all things. My moment to brag about: during the second round of sardines, I was the sardine, and hid at the picnic table with the three people not participating. Two separate people came to the table asking if I'd been spotted. I was declared a genius and only found by one other sardine until "it" got me. Kevin, Amanda, Rachel, and I had a good conversation out by the bonfire, and we hit the hay. Unfortunately, our staged bear attack on the girl's tent went poorly. I joined them for Never Have I Ever towards the end, but excused myself of exhaustion. Sleeping was much much better that night.

On the way back, we had a better sing-along. Bubba and I had some really great notes, and he sang harmony in a way that made me jealous. At one point, Austin even made a little clap of approval. Back in Neshaminy, we hit up the Cracker Barrel for lunch-breakfast, and I was on the train home three hours later.

Talley:
4 mosquito bites
No sun burn
No poison ivy
One great trip

Late nights, I listen to jazz, play guitar, and read. Sometimes I sing.
How impossible.

Loose Lips Sink Friendships

Odd thing to think about- there's an American flag in every single public school classroom in the good ole' U.S. of A.

I FEEL LIKE HOT SHIT. DAYUMM.
Maybe it's for lack of air conditioner.

This is an important summer. There's a new sense of independence and self-sufficiency. Traveling was the first thing to bring it on, but this is the first summer I feel so comfortable with my parents. I've got my shit together, more or less, and I'm learning. I feel good in my sun burnt skin.

Coming home meant experiencing everyone again. College changed us, or we changed ourselves. There's an air of excitement. Yes, there have been times I've felt out of mind. I second guess myself. Those thoughts happen, and can be easily fought with a purpose. I'm going to try for biology. Chemistry is the only thing holding me back, but it's about time I developed a work ethic. I've got Gen. Chem. I from 11:00-11:50 MWF. When I consulted Alexis about the bio major, she said, "I always knew you'd turn to science." That's what Mr. P. said senior year. It's infinitely better than settling for an anonymous liberal arts degree for the sake of having a degree.

There's a tiny fear that I won't grow a pair and suck it up. I'm proving to myself that I really mean it. I just finished lecture two of MITs open courseware Calc class. I'm reading Plato's The Republic because I dropped political philosophy to take chemistry. I can teach myself anything in the liberal arts, and it would make me so much more the well rounded person to have a solid foundation in chemistry and physics. I want this.

Plus, I look super cute in a lab coat.

Alalia

Saturday night, Joe invited a few of us over for a late night gathering. I'd spent the day lolling about the Grist Mill with cool kids, but felt extremely anxious about my loss of words, how I'd forgotten to speak. Being with these people I've known for so long put me completely at ease. It was warmth. It was tipsy friends telling jokes. It was watching smiles. When skinny dipping was suggested, I felt practically family. The moon was so bright it cast solid shadows on deck and lit the pool. I immediately wanted to dive. Looking into the water, I forgot how to dive. It's not something I do often, but something natural. I hesitated, then fell into a dive. I'd never felt more of more perfect form. My whole body extended and swooping through supportive medium. Even air felt custom designed for my body. We swam in the pool for a bit, eventually retreating to the warmth of the modest, bubbly hot tub. We had some conversations I really took to heart, and I fell even more in love with Meg and Joe. A little bit of that was jealousy, but it's more knowing that love can be made to work. Then Joe repeated requests for ladies to start making out, and the moment became something even more real. I remember how to speak.

Friday Beach, Monday Beach

Burnt both days.

Friday, my mom and I took a ladies' day to Ocean City, NJ. I was a bitch on the way there, but mostly calmed myself once at the shore. We both read pretty substantially, and I got in roughly two hours of swimming. Around 2, I walked over to Ben's shore house to catch up with lazy bum friends who hadn't come to the beach yet. It was so great seeing Jill, Steve, Matt, and Ben again, even though I'd seen Matt the week before. Ben, Steve, and I went swimming for a bit, talking music and movies and whether or not Eddie Murphy was going to be The Riddler in the newest Batman addition. He is not. We caught a wave in, and I joined Matt in sandcastle building. A young girl came to appraise our work, and Jill reported that a set of young boys had come around earlier like old art critics- solemnly and silently judging the mastery of sandcraft. We retired to talk around my mom for the remainder of my stay, talking crazy business ventures and the viability of food vending trucks as a legitimate career move. Mom said we must leave by 4, so I bid "goodbye until Canada," which was at least a pleasant thought. Just over the bridge back to the rest of Jersey, we got a flat tire. Luckily, the popo kindly stopped and helped us change tires. The rest of the ride was uneventful.

Monday! More beach! I spent the night at Katie's, running on six hours of sleep to tackle another day of ladies (+ Mr. R.). The ride down was fun, a little awkward, but went quickly. We stopped by their mom-mom's house for supplies and hellos, promising to see them later. The sand was soft, the water was cold, and the company agreeable. I read a little of Mrs. Dalloway and napped. We hit the Jersey Shore Wildwood style, and I thought of many a drumline night and whether or not the C.'s were down the beach too. It was a really great night, and the ride home almost better. Shannon and her friend, also a Katie, talked about senior pranks, so I got to share the beautiful and inspirational hopes of me and Matt. They had enviable imaginations, and it continued throughout the rest of the night.

Reprehensible Things

I think one of the worst things I've ever done was sing-scream, "Make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall," at Trisha during a party at Sarah J.'s. It was certainly an apt line.