Filming, 2/12/09

I have spent three years in this damned building and still cannot conceive of where classrooms are hidden. Jimmy told me to meet him in B202. That room is Mrs. McGraw's room, and the upstairs computer lab. And lucky for me, Rob and Alexa found me vaguely wandering the 1st floor B-wing, not entirely close to the stairs. Having had 2 bottles of water since 3rd lunch, I had to go to the bathroom. However, after 2:40 or so, every single bathroom in the entire school is under lock and key. However, however, teachers have keys and Jimmy's got connections.

The first shot, Jimmy did an outside vertical building shot of Rob and I peeking out a window and discussing the possibility of jumping out said window. My character complains that it's 20 feet and is not jumping out a window. Rob's wants to build a rope ladder. Filming adjustments required that we repeat the scene 3 times or so. During what should have been the final one, Mrs. McGraw realized what we were talking about and instructed us that we were not allowed to jump out of the window. Much hilariosity ensued, and we repeated the scene after relating the story and apologizing to Jimmy. Shooting the final scene, at the same point, she repeated with more emphasis that we were definitely not allowed to jump out of a window. Jimmy laughed and said we were good enough.

After arriving inside, Mrs. McGraw told us that some day two years ago, the Great Francis Tracy oversaw a class where, while raining, a student lept from the very window we were filming at and ran home. The scene had to be done from approximately 6 inside angles which went fairly well.

Next came super awesome hallway rejoicing scene! The characters, Ben and Rose, have some sort of unexpressed relationship. Earlier in the script, in a scene which has yet to be shot, Rose calls Ben and begins to say, "Ben, listen... I-" but is cut short. The tone of that sentence is probably the most important clue to their relationship. Did she want to break up? Is she saying "I love you" for the first time? Is it, "want to go to Panera's after school?" It's should be said how Jimmy wants, but he "has no idea" and it's vague enough that I had no idea where the characters were in their relationship, though it is positive. After "the catastrophe" happens at school, they run out of their respective locations to find the school empty, but each other "to much rejoicing," as written in script. Asking Jimmy how much "rejoicing" should take place, and demonstrating an Anchorman "freeze frame, legs tucked jump," he reiterated he had no idea.
"Like, a hug? An awkward hug?" I asked, "High five?"
"Strip down and have sex?" Rob suggested.
"Don't you even not know each other?" Jimmy asked, inquiring of Rob and I.
"Well, yeah, but the characters do." Was my astute observation.
"You two are awful. Just make it up. No stripping."
A regular hug was decided upon, and much rejoicing occurred. Much rejoicing also occurred when Rob found the most excellent, "Party Locker."

The characters, Ben and Rose, were in separate places when the event happened. Ben was in the guy's room, washing up, tripping, and ripping a paper towel. I was not needed during this scene, and decided to practice my "shake, rumble, trip" scenario for the next scene in the empty hallway. The German teacher came out while I was seemingly throwing myself at the ground in a locker bay completely devoid of people. *sigh* She left, then I resumed. Then a janitor came out. I stopped and sat down to wait. They almost used all of the paper in the towel dispenser.

Now my solo scene during the rumble. There is a copy machine in the teacher's lounge upstairs, which is what I was doing while separated. The Pepsi machine does not have real Pepsi in it. There is a gallon of Dutch Chocolate ice cream in the fridge growing hair, and a gallon of Vanilla we did not investigate. Their closet will close, but lock on itself. Experimental data was thought of to verify the warning's claim, but decided against. Jimmy left the shot list in the bathroom during Rob's scene. So to "copy stuff," I used a random paper lying around with Markie, my brother's ex girlfriend,'s name on it. I looked awful crawling around, pretending there was an earthquake, but I did get to eat a powdered donut in the teacher's lounge.

During the Guitar Hero 3 Tournament on Friday, Jimmy filmed Steve and Susan leaving the building in the wooden room with the "Not Creative Enough" mural, which is actually, in fact, a girl, and not a guy. The sun was perfect, and it wound up being a beautiful shot of sunlight streaming onto the reflective tile floors and silhouetting their forms. Wanting to capture that light effect again, Jimmy decided that Rob and I would epically exit the building during sunset, with the sun falling about us and casting shadows across the hall. It was during this time, Rob found another unlocked locker, this time, oddly enough, Markie's. Interrupted by Twilight School kids, it didn't seriously delay our epic running scenes.

Today was really fucking windy. The "last" scene occurs outside, after we have escaped the building. During "the epic running scenes," Rob and I would go to the double doors and push them open, to have gusts of wind scatter incredible quantities of dust everywhere. That wind didn't stop, but gives dramatic effect to our ecstatic, thankful running from the school. Having to film the last scene outside, Jimmy and Rob went outside, and I was supposed to follow, but had been behind a bit. Luckily, before exiting the building, I realized the doors would be locked if we attempted to return. A rock was procured for door propping services. Leaving, a joyous embrace occurs between Ben and Rose. Rob smells nice and I miss hugs.

Filming out of order:
Remember the rope ladder idea from earlier? I will leave it a surprise what we initially use to try to get out. However, the singular scene of me gloating took well over 40 minutes because we consistently became distracted by such distant conversations as "My mom ruined Titanic for me," which set up an Opus and Anthony joke, which was interrupted by Mrs. McGraw asking about who they were, continued into Jimmy berating her for interrupting him, she accusing him of always being mean to her because she never responds angrily, him agreeing, and finishing, his one line, somewhat funny joke. It was now around 6:10 and we had kept Mrs. McGraw and her daughter for far too long.

Rob gave Jimmy and me a ride home. It was a very pleasant, very enjoyable experience, and I told Rob he smells nice. I think Jimmy was indignant.

Notes on the Film:
It's about an earthquake.
Eric P. was originally scripted to play "Ben."
My character's name is Rose.
When I volunteered for this, I assumed I'd be "Girl #2" or something.
Jimmy and Rob are hilarious.
Rob smells nice.
Jimmy might too.
I don't know.
Jimmy didn't get his candy gram.
:(
During filming I met 3 teachers I had previously only known as names.
Mrs. McGraw's daughter told Jimmy she was 6.
Jimmy acknowledged that.
Jimmy does not know anything about kids.
She is 11.

Short Film

I'm gonna be a in a short film produced by Jimmy that Erik P. is in.

I have no idea what it's about, but that's okay.

I'm going to be able to make the donut run of vindication this year at Wildwood.

However, holey Chucks + holey socks + 20 minutes of jogging = blister

My PSSA "best invention of my lifetime" essay was about Stephen T. Colbert's Americone Dream.

In AP US, I told Mr. Layman to remember that the 19th Amendment is women's suffrage because now they're "legal" in all 50 states.

I have the vague feeling he'll think about me when referencing that amendment in the future.

WHO'S STUPID IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A "NO TAKE BACKS" CLAUSE IN THE CONSTITUTION?!

18th Amendment anyone?!

That surprised me a lot actually. I didn't consider it at all and am a tiny bit jealous.

It was a very enjoyable conversation/afternoon.

Things to get: tea set, perfume, used books of poetry

When I see her, I want to acknowledge her and apologize for not speaking since 9th grade.

There's so much I want to tell her.

I feel like I should apologize?

Even though I did nothing wrong, and didn't realize until later.

It would hurt me too.

People who have been in my thoughts lately: Jimmy, Trisha, Matt, Jeff, Wasiq, Stasi, Automm, Barathi, Viv, Dave, and Wasiq.

It's a group I like thinking about.

Walking

Today I accidentally found Clayton Park and didn't realize how close it is.
I hate fences.
The ground is very moist.
Music is beautiful.
Garnet Valley is beautiful.
It is also rather boring.
Though I hope for someone to walk with, it would be a curse.
I don't really give a damn about it...
My dad and I have been eating alone a lot recently.
I'm wondering how fake this actually is, and why.
For Valentine's Day, I wrote everyone in my Bio class a poem.
It was mostly so I could give Dave one without being obviously insane.
I'm going to ask him to be my friend again, but it doesn't work like that.
Though I did spend time and effort to personally write poems for them.
I told Trisha I got awesome music from you, and Nick said, "Fail."
People are born inherently evil.
I am meeting new people, sorta.
Talking to them, anyway.
Charlotte Sometimes is FANTASTIC.
The Ben Kweller concert is the night of BotB.
I've been devious all week. It's excellent.
I have the best PSSA group ever.
It's Matt, Kira, and I.
The proctor told us to shut up.
Matt made a boat.
In Career Development, our parents had to write us a letter.
Mine made me sad, because my dad doesn't know me.
All of the trees in Clayton are adorned with words.
It seems the most romantic idea in the world.
Trisha+Wasiq4eva

Forgot Nothing but the Feeling

I remember everything. Every date, everything he ever wore, everything he ever said or told me or texted me or sang to me, but I don't remember what it felt like to be in love.

I forgot nothing but the feeling

Today I reread my saved texts. Deleted a few. Still not any of the ones from Dave. They're too beautiful and remind me that he's more than apathetic. He does feel, did feel, and I inspired it. I didn't remember what it felt like to get those messages, but I remembered the words.

In career development we keep talking about goals and future careers. I got the same Myers-Briggs test score as Wasiq, Kevin, and Steve G. They said we had long term goals. I know Was and Kev do, but not me. I want to have a goal, but not a job.

"I switched my fake crush from you to Jimmy on Sunday. My offer to make out with you continues, but not the rest of the sexual harassment."
-Chloe, to Big Was

AIM Prose that Became Poetry

I was going to go in the guy's and graffiti there
but I don't know what yet
not poetry
but close
it's not my poetry, btw
it's famous stuff
but not really
because nobody reads poetry
so it's not really famous



*sigh*
I don't belong in garnet valley
I'll find my place
and then I'll walk out of it into the next



I really like people and it makes me sad sometimes that nice people are sad and I don't understand any of it
I feel so young and naive and I don't know why I walk all the time
but I enjoy it
I shouldn't be up this late
but I was writing a letter
and now I'm crazy
er
I have to go to bed

things I wrote on my hand today

in a dark and confusing world, you burn brightly

if you die in canada, you die IRL

T.H. White's MERLIN

Jimmy Carter was attacked by a giant swimming rabbit

I baked them a cake shaped like the internet

Rationalizing the familiar is easy

male inflatableable sex toy $40

Honor Honour Monty Python promote surreal humor humour

What time is it?
Now.
That's a boring answer.
No it's not.
It's the most interesting answer imaginable.

let the poets cry themselves to sleep

meerkats can play rugby

this graffiti is fleeting human contact
both of us lost
but for a moment, lost together
I wonder who you are*

*coming soon to a bathroom stall near you

Perspective

This weekend I have spent a significant amount of my time with people. Friday was probably the best day of 2009 for me so far. Stasi and I started talking on my bus, and didn't stop until we fell asleep sometime after midnight. Our conversation ranged everything from futures and ideals and philosophy and boys and sex and family and memories. It was so easy to talk. It flowed constantly, including while sharing a bowl of mac n' cheese and then two little slices each of cheesecake. I was sad to realize it was the first time I'd ever discussed philosophy in depth, and that I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking with my "closer" friends. We have many similarities, and I think her life is very exciting, if because of its extremes. I am comfortable in my nerdy happy medium, but I have no scars, I have never broken a bone, I've never gotten drunk, and there aren't any exciting boys in my life.

I talked about Dave a lot, bleh, but she really helped me to see the apathy. I knew it was there, he listed it in his favorite things, and I in my least favorites. But I didn't see it applied or directed towards me, despite the obvious. Thanks, Stasi. :]

My only thought for the last two days

I wish I could honestly say this quote:

"I love my past.
I love my present.
I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and
I'm not sad because I have it no longer."

edit: I can say it

Some Songs

Wish You Were Here: a beautiful, sparse guitar duet by Pink Floyd, the words are gorgeous and the music divinely warm and simple.

It was the first riff I learned on guitar because Matt taught it to me some Monday after drumline practice freshman year. It made me think about him for a while afterwards.
"I was dueting with my uncle and we played Wish You Were Here and it made me sad. :(" -Dave
It is the most important vinyl album I own and the basis for the mural on my door.

American Pie: piano and guitar, it's got nonsensical lyrics that sing of lost love, an inability to help others, and a love of fading music.

The first full song I learned to play on guitar, I've screamed through choruses with Katy Creppon, in Sarah's basement, and hope to with new friends as well.

Soco Amaretto Lime: guitar and harmony and a vinyl scratch, this song made me cry for the memories I won't have and adventure and wondering if I will ever again be young and love in the same time.

Jeff showed it to me after the Power Pit Reunion, and I cried in front of him for the third time in less than a month.

You Can't Always Get What You Want: English chorus, guitar, lonely trumpet, Mick Jagger, and one hot maraca, it's the epitome of my quiet longing and belief that it'll all turn out alright or dead.

The only song featured on [H]ouse twice, it was my personal motto for a long time.

Hallelujah: piano and vocals, it doesn't really matter who's singing it. The words are Biblical in nature, and sometimes I don't understand, but when I do, it's tragic.

The times sung together my first year with the pit, innumerable. Coffee House and private moments of mourning, this is the most important song of my high school career and summary of freshman year.

Golden Slumbers: Abbey Road, a piano and strings and childhood idealism and the dream that someday I will not wake up alone.

In My Life: The Beatles' most sentimental work by my standard, and once hailed as the greatest song of all time, it is a very thin song with vocals and warmth and harmony.

Landed: piano, a drum set, a bass and Ben Folds' voice, it's about redemption and leaving and being welcomed back.

My favorite song by Ben Folds (that is not a cover of Bitches Ain't Shit), I've seen my clouds come tumbling down countless times.

Mr. Tambourine Man: the most lyrical poetry I've ever come across, the guitar is simple and the harmonica sad.

I want everything beautiful and free in this song.

Love Reign O'er Me/Baba O'Riley: I couldn't pick my favorite The Who song. They've both got memories.

Samson: quiet piano and the unattainable voice of Regina Spektor, I can never be the first one to love you.

Us and Them: the second riff I learned on guitar, it's a beautiful, swirling culmination of every beautiful instrument and sad thought I can muster.

It's only barely my favorite song from my favorite album for reasons I won't explain. It would be The Great Gig in the Sky, if only because someone I admired and found solidarity in and was jealous of in 9th grade loved it.

Farmhouse: a beautiful song with enveloping guitar by Phish and lyrics so simple and comforting.

It was playing when I finally escaped Dave bearwrestling, and it made each think of the other though that was found out later. I couldn't believe how perfect it was and is. There are several by Phish I should include, but I'd have to thank Dave for introducing me to them. I feel like I can't like them on my own.

Thunder Road/Born to Run: The Boss has more "American" lyrics of freedom and young love than all the novels of experience I've yet read and I cannot choose. Whether guitar, piano, or mad saxaphone, they are wonderful for their own reasons.

In the Sun: featured on Scrubs, a solitary guitar, and vocals warm and cold at the same time, there are memories I can't stand to think of.

Going to California/Tangerine: my favorite by Led Zeppelin, they're of a quieter guitar than many of their other rockin' hits, but the lyrics are more for me and childhood escapism

Old Man: by Neil Young and the Stray Gators, it's a simple guitar and a wavering voice singing of growing old and the differences and change of age and idealism

It was the first and only song my dad has sang with me to some degree of completion. I was singing it as I came home the first time I snuck out.

Stolen: a blatant pop song with a strong guitar, drums, and vocals by Dashboard Confessional.

I played it for two hours the day I broke up with JoeKat, determined that I would give it a try and not end what had given me so much happiness. This summer made it all the more a reality, because when the last week of the gold and glimmer was replaced, I intended to break up with Dave to save myself heartbreak. He fell in love with me, and ended that notion.

Some I loved before the memories, some the memories made me love. There would be many more from Pink Floyd, Phish, and The Beatles if I was going into songs that should be appreciated with all reverence, but these are the best. Probably another 30 would be needed for me to accurately depict the summation of my musical choices with importance, but I left out blink-182 and Bright Eyes because there are a lot that I feel like I shouldn't be so attached to.

Stuff

Stuff I want to write about, random crazy things I've been thinking about, sad things I don't want to think about, and general thoughts perusing my head:

I'm going to write a short story about the aftermath of "the rain." The rain where it was raining men (Hallelujah) and every woman found their perfect love. What would happen to the men who had to find out that they weren't perfect for anyone?

If no one could lie to you. Not that they'd have to tell the truth, but if everything they said became truth. Not stories, but things they told to you as fact. Like fortune cookies. Steve Goff got "you love sports, horses, and gambling, but not to excess :)" What the hell? Or maybe just if every fortune cookie told you the truth, no matter how it was presented.

I know you meant it, and I loved you before and because of it, but I honestly don't think you'd be capable of breaking his neck. I feel like I never told you I loved you, even if it's not like that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making friends. Not real friends necessarily, but who I would like to talk to more and make it official. Also all the people who I've really liked before, but know I don't fit in with.

My little brother kicks ass. Literally and figuratively. I wonder about his personal character when he's not with me. I don't know where he gets his money.

I think I may have found my person to talk philosophy with. Looking back, I wonder how we all fit together, and who the next one will be. It's really strange to think about it, but I really like all of Dave's ex-girlfriends. He's got good taste in girls. We should form a club.

Vocab Vednesday is going to be awesome! I'm super excited for our first word, "calamity." Mad props to Matt and Dimitri Martin.

Vegetarianism appeals to me as part of a kind and efficient existence. However, it seems right that as an omnivore I should not deny myself meat. Once I go to college, I won't buy myself meat, as it's economically better, healthier, and generally more convenient. If someone offers, or it's Thanksgiving, I will indulge. Best line ever "it's a cookbook." The episode ends with, "Sooner or later, we'll all be on the menu." What a great fucking show.

I don't know how to tell someone they smell terrible and should shower more often. Do I do it anonymously? Other people agree with me, so I think something has to be said. It's incredibly pervasive and offensive to be near them for any period of time.

My reading has seemingly been all intertwined and self-referencing recently. Perhaps it's because I've been reading very leftist literature. Music has been an interesting change for me recently. I've been listening to rock and loud music to drown out the other thoughts and I'm enjoying it. However, many of my new music choices are mildly influenced by people I don't associate with at all.

I was totally serious watching that hilarious movie. Next time, just you three, we're gonna think it's even funnier.

Pirate seems like an ideal occupation, if only the Robin Hood kind of pirate stealing from oil tankers and rich assholes. It's the freedom of the wild seas, a collective anarchy, and all the booze and wenches. Being a girl gets you really appreciated I should think.

Being sexually harassed makes me feel pretty.

Sometimes I try to reconcile my philosophies and it doesn't quite work. I want to live the beautiful ideal that I am best to determine what is best for me, an anarchy. And yet, I would give my control to the boy who introduced me to this philosophy. Communism can only work with enough people. But I don't want to force people to join, otherwise it still won't work. I don't want to waste any time not doing what I want. However, it doesn't matter what I want if it absolutely takes someone else to complete it. If I do everything in my power to do what I want, it may still come down to someone else's affirmation. Be silly. Be honest. Be kind.

In my entry, "Questions I Should Ask" I don't remember who I was going to ask seven of the questions, but think they were important.

Romanticism and Decisions

Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote in the Romantic Period about the Puritan Period. I was very much aware of Romanticist ideals. Being very much conflicted with how I incorporate the emotional extremes and reckless abandon into my life, I will not stand to give up the luxury of reason and logic. Mr. Longo asked if anyone had to make an important decision recently, in an attempt to give an example of the reasoning vs. impulse response. Hurriedly, I raised my hand. The moment returned rushing and quiet. Those seven important syllables came back to perch upon my lips. Of course, there was more than those seven, but the only ones he heard. The fear and trembling doubt collapsed over me in a movie version of my choice. It was the perfect example of logic vs. being swept up in the beautiful ideals of passionate Romanticism. Longing so painful, so grating and drawn out, finally eased and the vision of a perfect sidewalk in June. And yet, apprehension, hesitation, fear. I wanted to give everything, but logic made that sudden positive/negative chart. "Wrong place," glared the headline. "There will always be time," said the sub-header. The only two whims of logic, and I spat out the most important words of my life. "Would you like to share?" Asked Mr. Longo.

"Nope." And he moved on.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing the fear of what will happen after he stopped loving me. It is undated, but was written sometime after October 13th, 2008.

I fear that when there is no more love and awkward interactions and memory remains, he will leave with indifference, reducing me to a good girl and a good fuck and I will go about with my pain and heart broken love for what could have been no more. How he will maybe move on, and I will run to Matt in spite. I could not bear in my soul to hurt one in efforts to hurt the other.

P.S. At this point I was pretty certain I was going to fuck Dave. "Never the time and place and lover all together," to quote. "Run to Matt," meant to publicly associate my grieving self with Matt so that Dave would be jealous. However, I knew I couldn't do that because it could potentially undermine his relationship, and I would never have intentionally subjected another girl to my sad fate.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry that describes my dissatisfaction with my relationship with JoeKat entitled "She's no Baribie™" and, remarking on how devious I had been, I now planned to be. It is dated Sunday, September 28th, 2008.

My mom wants a picture of us, and I think she's going to get another circumstantial accident. Or nothing at all. There's nothing of Joe, but he's a fuck up and fucked me up. Too goddamn awkward to kiss me in public. Dick. Made me feel like a common whore. It's because I'll actually FUCK You! That's why I'm scared. Because I don't want to wait and I won't regret you.

P.S. "Fucked me up" is referencing when he told me he loved me, then took it back less than 24 hours later. Tomorrow will be the last reminiscent day.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing that I didn't believe when Dave told me I looked good or made him happy entitled, "FAITHLESS." It is undated, but was written before Friday, September 12th, 2008.

I can't list the ways you make me happy you just do. I feel guilt over my lack of trust.
"
beautiful
gorgeous
hot stuff
everything happened that was supposed to
this ... [picture] illustrates my feelings for you
You make me feel so awesome
That was awesome
You make me very happy, Chloe
I let you turn me into a Communist
Your named was just carved into a big house's driveway
Wish You Were Here
"

P.S. I did wind up believing it eventually, but still not entirely.

[edit] P.P.S. The picture was of fireworks when he was away in Pittsburgh

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my conflicting emotions and fear of being involved with Dave (before he loved me). It is dated Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008.

I don't think I'm phenominally attached to him. In fact it's hard. I like the attention and the fun and fooling around, and Dave will be the best I have in high school. However, I keep having dreams and song interpretations that I'm going to hurt him. I may be giving myself too much credit though. My biggest fear now is that he'll say, "Kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that I let you." So I try to remember our last kiss just in case. :(

P.S. I do remember our last kiss, and I was upset because I was scared that it might be, and it was a terrible kiss and I got his hair in my mouth. He won't remember it.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry listing adjectives I was going to use while writing a song for Dave. It is dated Friday, October 10th, 2008.

Vegetarian, anarchist, tattoo'd, pot smoking, guitar playing, rock 'n' rolling, hilarious, genius, detached, Vonnegut reading, Canadian, photographer, artist, snowboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing, swimming, peace loving, me loving, bandana donned, hot and handsome, music composing hippi

P.S. I didn't write him a song, and I didn't get mine.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my frustration at coming up with a pet name for how deviously enamored I was with Dave. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

I hate the pet name game because words don't describe how physically attracted I am to you. It's not just your dark complexion, swimmer's body, or fantastic hair. It's also in the way you stand when you play guitar, or the various scars on your hands, how small you make me feel, and the stupid tickle of your neckbeard (Not that I'm endorsing it). "Hot" "handsome" "cute" "sexy" don't do any justice because each has other implications and whatever desire you arouse in me that's strictly physical transcends that. You are some fine eye candy though.

P.S. I'm not entirely sure why I wrote so many notes directly addressing him. Maybe I was planning to say it out loud or hoped he would find it someday. The ones addressed directly to him are the ones I can't post for the most part.

The Left Shoe

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has. I feel better.


I WILL NEVER BE SILENT
But I don't want comfort.
I want God,
I want poetry,
I want real danger,
I want freedom,
I want goodness,
I want sin.
I would live my beautiful ideal
R-U-N-N-O-F-T
It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead
Vivez sans tempo mort
Anarchy is for lovers
Please me and have no regrets
That's not fair! That's not fair at all! There was time now. There was all the time I needed...
TAKE RISKS
I'm a sucker for a happy ending
Going to California
Always do what you are afraid to
JUMP
As they have dared, so shall I
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Each betrayal begins with trust, every man returns to dust
I'll never have the moon
TANGERINE
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high
There's no hope, but I may be wrong
Your hair down to your legs and your legs down to the floor
WASTE
And all a wonder and a wild desire
You've got to walk that lonesome valley You've got to walk it by yourself
I have beautiful dreams and a gorgeous reality
You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love
Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.
44/16=2.75
.. .--. --- .--- . -.-- --- .--
SOCO AMARETTO LIME
Fades to background of drums and gunshots
I WILL FIND A WAY
All things must pass. All things must pass away.
The cause of war is preparation for war
I came into this world, not chiefly to make this a good place to live in, but to live in it, good or bad
the most alive is the WILDEST
I long for you tragically, A.T.Chapman [I got this wrong]
We come spinning out of nothingness. Scattering stars like dust.
The blue ones are MAGIC
When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man
Maple Street, in the last calm and reflective moment before the monsters came
Deep as first love and wild with all regret
Let there be truth between us forever more
NO LIES, JUST LOVE
The people I respect the most behave as if they were immortal and as if society was eternal
Be realistic
Demand the impossible
BARE FEET INVITE TROUBLE
This is the strangest life I've ever seen
Remember when you were young?
You shone like the sun
I'm feeling this
If I seem free, it's because I'm always running
The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret
The Realms of the Unreal
FUCK YOUR CONTROLS!
This is not an EXIT
O for a life of sensations
I will trust what is deep is holy
This is a dimension of imagination
Thou art to me a delicious torment
I do not believe in god, because I believe in man
the passion you sparked in me one terrible night that persuaded my soul to ignite
I stepped on a dandelion and cried for all of the wishes that could have come true
Down with a world in which the guarantee we will not starve has been bought with the guarantee we will die of boredom
NEVER WORK
Poor people don't exist when times are good
'When it happens, it happens'
LOVE IS UNREASONABLE MADNESS
Stars and rain can be seen through glass ceilings
I AM ENJOYING EXISTENCE AS MUCH AS EVER AND REGRET NOTHING
Deep as first love and wild with all regret, O Death in Life, the days that are no more [not a mistake, I repeated it]
Reflecting on the time when this life shined
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
ALL MEN LOVE A LOVER
A+

there are a number of small doodles all over the shoe.
there are a number of sayings meant to remember everyone.
i'd tell you which one(s) are yours if you ask.
for the most part, if you recognize it and can associate it with me, its for you.
others are special and more secret.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about my feelings for Dave prior to him tell me he loved me. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

Dave,
I'm writing this not so much for you as for me. I've no doubt there's a goodbye in our future, but you''ll still make me laugh, so it can't end that badly. Every day that thought crossed my mind, but I also remembered that I have you in the now and I'm going to have fun every day I get a chance to be with you. However long it stays fun, interesting, or exciting is how long I'll be here.
I'll do my best to keep you,
Chloe

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about how distrusting I was of my body image. It is dated Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008.

My mom doesn't tell me I'm pretty. Only that at my age she weighed ten pounds less than me and she's glad I have the self-confidence not to wear make-up. I'd never get a word from my dad. So I'm having a hard time believing. I can't even believe that I'm arousing and/or inspiring good feelings. I thought the whole thing was a bet. I felt prettier and smarter and stronger without you.

P.S. I wrote the last part extra bold. Initially I thought that Dave was flirting with me on some sort of bet, most likely with Joe Marino.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing the wonderful, wonderful things that happened to Dave and I since we started flirting around, entitled, "3 Months." It is undated, but written sometime after October 23rd.

July 5th: R+J I'm crushin'
July 15th: Ducks, grist mill, RHPS
July 19th: Night walk DAC
July 30th: First Kiss/Stigmata
August 5th: Girlfriend
August: Wonderful
<28th- Nightwalk, 22nd Cops. penis
September 7th: I love you
September 12th: Tuxeuhffblllehhph
September 20th: Alpaca
September 21: I love him too
September 27th: Cocksucker
October 3rd: Wordless hour
October 9th: Grist Mill

October 31st: Halloween
November-February: :]

P.S. The "<" part was written in the margin. I told him I wasn't going to fuck him before October and his birthday was in February explain the last entry. My first chance came very shortly afterwards, but I didn't because of loyalty to a friend, the way it might have sounded in the future, and the way I remember things and make association. So often I wonder if I should've taken it, but am glad I did not.

Quotes and Notes

Aw, sucks. i just bought you a forums account
-Jeff, on my favorite memory of 2009

Notes on "Notes I Wrote"

I have two journals that are physical, flesh and blood, pulp, glue and binding, diaries. That is not including the incredible number of note books, memo books, thought pads, and other smaller bound paper objects. They are what I write in during the dark and frightful hours of the night when it is simply my thoughts and I, unable to face a computer screen and permanently jot down my thoughts on something public. Hopefully most of that stuff will never see the light of day, but it's also where I wrote the sweet heart pangs of young love, and the fear it would be lost to me. Occasionally some of the scrawling are reasonable enough to commit to electronic memory, which is what the previous ones have been at some point or another. Over the next week or so, starting Sunday, I'm going to find and post at least one small entry a day. They're often a little incoherent or have spelling mistakes, as they were written in the throngs of emotion and usually darkness. The majority I still will be unable to expose for fear of retaliation or revealing myself to be a romantic twat with desires contrary to lust or logic. As everything recent and relevant is about Dave, that's where most of it will come from, but also some family life.

Dreams

A lost friend once told me that sleeping was a waste of time, a drain on your life, because nothing is accomplished during your respite. Occasionally, I would concede, though secretly clinging fast to my ideal of naps and sleeping in. Sleeping was the fastest way to pass boring hours, and the dreams that resulted were more beautiful than any reality I could have created in the same timespan. It is not to say I would waste my youth unconsciously whisked to a magical and frightening dreamland, but that my dreams have as much worth as my memories. Philosophically, the past is nothing but a personal interpretation, a collection of memories. There is, of course, "concrete" evidence the majority these events definitely happened, but for others, the only proof of existence is intangible recollections. If I am still loved in my dreams, and it is as beautiful and moving as past reality's, and brings me to tears when it is dashed by the morning's duties, then those "memories" hold a fonder place than the dull moments spent wandering my house in search of a spectacle.

Guitar

I started playing my guitar again. So far it's only been songs that I've shared with people, but they've generally turned out pretty easy which is nice. Except for Soco Amaretto Lime, which is in drop D and unfortunate when I want to switch from a warm up to practice. Phish is great, just a nice sound with new chords. I looked into Bob Dylan, but nothing sounds right. Waist Deep in the Big Muddy is simple and easy. It was the strangest thing, but I swore I could smell Dave when I started playing. It was nostalgic.

Songs

A very long while ago, before I had my optic white Chuck Taylor Converses, Dave told me he was writing a song for me. Overjoyed with the romance of it, when I did get my shoes, I vowed not to write on the left shoe until I had my lyrics to put on the right one. Time has passed, and despite two reminders, I remain lyric-less. I'll concede, his lyrics aren't very strong, but it's the novelty and sweetness of it. Yet, during my forays into terrible territory, I've wound up talking to Squid's drummer about the cliché lyrics of love and heartbreak. My stance it to write epics about communist uprising or obscure myths, and basically put a tune to prose. In a moment of inspiration, he wrote me a four line song detailing our encounter, the scandal, lust, betrayal, and guilt. I'm going to write on that left shoe now.

The Things I Threw Out

I cleaned my room today, completely and utterly, taking down things that have been hanging on my walls for years. Pulling out all sorts of materials from all sorts of crevices. These are some of the things I threw out:

A backpack
Several tacky purses
Lime green squishy pillow
Dasani "Mini Water Bottle" Box that I shaped into a mask for the pit water bottle cap fight in Viv's basement
Perfume set "FlowersbyKenzo"
Bath beads shaped like roses
Duke logo on cardboard
Polymer clay cat
Telephone chord
Tiny fake plastic spider
Poetry on Post-It Notes
Fairy wings
Christmas box
Wooden, painted on closet
Stickers from tween questions book
Penn State Plush Basketball
Jeff's paper CD cover
Reusable water bottle filled with unopened Crayola Glitter Glue tubes
RoseArt and PRANG colored pencils
Crayola crayons
Xavier Gibson's TI-30s
A full UNO deck
Full regular deck of cards
Tupperware container
Cookie tin with a pumpkin on it
Stretched out silk hair elastic
The heart balloon JoeKat gave me last Valentine's
A PEZ dispenser with a pumpkin at the top
Blue food dye
Toy pet carrier
Torn list of the books I want to read before I die
Awkward "getting your period" book
Half a plastic pirate sword
Coloring page of Uncle Sam I got from Trader Joe's when Viv and I went to buy veggie burger's for the 4th of July party at Sarah's
LEGO piece
Babysitter's Guide Folders from training course I took with Katy Creppon at Riddle
Business card with the handwritten numbers for 3 separate GameStops
Magnetic pencil holder for lockers
Pink and purple jump rope
Pit warm-up "Adelaide"
Broken Mardi Gras beads
Wooden display case

I just thought these things were interesting. Also to make room, I put all but four of my remaining stuffed animals away in a bag. I feel like I'm suffocating them. They are:

David, my bear from JoeKat
Tiger, the tiger Darrell gave me the last day of 4th grade because he wouldn't be able to make it to my birthday party because he was going to Dallas, Texas, but he brought me back a bracelet with Texan charms on them
Sarah, my white tiger I got from Toys 'R Us
Pumpkin, the singing, vibrating pumpkin my poppop gave me on his last Halloween
Sammy, the pink bear that Darrell gave me the Valentine's of 5th grade
Puppy, the little plush dog that Darrell gave me in 3rd grade as a secret admirer for Valentine's Day
Three plush kittens from Rehobeth, DE that my mom got me
Jasmine, the stuffed Jaguar I got at Build A Bear for Liana's birthday and Katy Creppon was there too and some of the money went to the World Wildlife Fund
Chico, the stuffed penguin I got at the Baltimore Aquarium named in honor of our 7th grade penguin adopted from the Philadelphia Zoo in Mr. Knight's class

I already gave away so many, these were the ones with the strongest memories.

New Year's Eve Party

Yesterday evening, nearing six o'clock, I shut down my laptop that finally got internet access (but causes Vista induced head explosions) and ate dinner. Getting ready to spend the night at someone's house is much easier when you don't intend to fall asleep for some reason. On the way to Jeff's house, there was a lot of good classic rock on the radio and I sang, though I don't think my dad did. It was "getting the Led out." Gina, Joey, Dom, and Jeff were there already, so Gina and I enjoyed a warm embrace after so long without. There were Jeff cookies and eventually he opened a bag of M&Ms as far as the best party food ever goes. The next people to arrive were Matt and his cousin, Nick, who I greeted with, "Are you the cousin who does robots? Trisha said you were cute. Not that I don't agree." The next guest to arrive was Trisha... Abby, Sarah, Hannah, and Shana showed up before going to Johnny Mackin's, which is where Dom as a chauffeur and Joey were headed as well. We played BLOKUS, and I lost the most, but helped other people cheat. Following BLOKUS was MarioKart64 which I got with Trisha at Gina's house. Eventually Jeff and I played ping-pong, then Nick and I, and within the first hour of the New Year, Nick, Matt, and 'Leesh. Jeff attempted to get me a forums account, but that didn't work, so we read creepy Wikipedia articles. Somehow it made me very sad that I wasn't horrified. Erik came bringing a beautiful Gingerbread lighthouse. Some of Johnny Mackin's came back. She got me juice that wasn't expired. It was nice. I drank the last of it as the clock hit 2009. I was playing Ping-Pong very soon after the ball dropped, and Jeff began asking people what their most and least favorite moments of 2009. I attempted to listen in, although I didn't want to make Nick sit through to stories he didn't know the background of. Many of them were surprising to me. I knew Sarah's least favorite, but didn't want to ask. Nobody asked me about my favorite or least favorite, so I talked about good memories, but not the memories. Around 1 AM, there was a terribly awkward conversation about the frustrating, unreasonable tragedy that are Gina's parents. I interrupted saying, "So almost all of my favorite memories of 2008 were in hammocks. I like hammocks, they're really relaxing!!" Eager for a change, most people chimed in to agree. Around 1 several people left, and Mrs. Glanfield was my first non-obligatory hug of 2009. I called her before I called my mom as far as Happy New Year's wishes go.

- - ---------

Gina had to leave around 2, and Abby and Sarah decided it would be awkward, and so we left. We made prank phone calls for around 2 hours, then I got really hungry and ate pizza with Hannah and Sarah. Then Hannah and I shared a can of Progressive Chicken Noodle. Shana got a "whoopie cushion" application on Abby's iPhone, we played a couple rounds of "would you rather," and Shana put whipped cream on Abby's face and hand. Sarah and I remembered how our freshman year totally kicked the freshmen years of Shana and Hannah. We explained general drumline relationships and how Gina and JoeKat had been the couple. At 6, Lexie, Sarah C., and Catey T. showed up to explain their fantastic evening. Around 7, Hannah, Shana, and I went outside to try to watch the sunrise. I explained skunk apes to Hannah and made her look it up on YouTube. Then I went inside, watched a few minutes of Entourage, then the end of The Land Before Time II. Woke up, felt crappy, went home, went to my mom's house, fell asleep, showered, wrote this.

Chloe's 2009 New Year's Resolutions

From last year to this year, I wouldn't have seen any of the wonderful things that happened. Except maybe JoeKat, but that kinda started on New Years. My summer was the most beautiful and thrilling experience for days at a time, with adventure, romance, and great friends attending to my every move. Fall swept me up with love and scandal, heartbreak and reassurances. Winter has been an emotional hell hole, but last night made me feel better. I was awestruck by the night sky for the first time in weeks, and we sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" louder and more joyfully than many other singing experiences of my life. None of that was planned. I remember everything from this year vividly and passionately, and next year is going to be the same. Maybe my resolutions are reckless, but both of my parents told me this week that my brother is the one to watch. Probably true, I still want to give them a run for their money. You're only a teenager once, and if I'm going to make terrible decisions it would rather be when they are forgiven as experimental behavior. I will still keep my reasonable head about me, and always in moderation, but here they are:

Learn to drive
Attempt to get an amateur radio license
Make strides towards obtaining my SCUBA license
Participate in a sport or athletic activity (swimming, Ultimate)
Watch the following films:

Dr. Strangelove
Requiem for a Dream
Apocalypse Now
An Inconvenient Truth
American Beauty
Braveheart
Alice's Restaurant
Fight Club
American History X
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Office Space

Get my passport
Learn to ride clutch
Read at least 10 books from my list, including A People's History
Try to meet through written letters, Tommy Smothers and Pete Seeger
Dye my hair a different colour, temporary or otherwise
Get "something" pierced
Set off fireworks
Get drunk, high, lost
Reconnect with Kristen and Kyle
Be able to name and play 10 Guitar Chords
Incorporate the 4 Elements of Hip-Hop culture into my daily life
Graffiti something
Get into college
Go out for breakfast
Visit Philadelphia and New York
Sneak out a minimum of 3 times
Practice breakdancing, surfing, piano, and guitar
Learn to safely jump from heights
Watch all of Dr. Who in 1 sitting with Molly
Ask more questions
Learn to play the electric mandolin
Ride a roller coaster
Catch a beach sunrise
Use practical Spanish
Watch celestial events (preferably with company)
Bike and walk more
Think of and possibly enact a senior and band camp prank
Be section leader
Practice getting over different types of fences quickly
Vandalize a bathroom stall

I won't feel guilty for not achieving them, it's more of "things you should do while it's still forgivable" guideline. Some of them I already achieved not through strenuous attempts, but I'll find some sort of calendar of celestial events this year (the International Year of Astronomy) and post that so other people can sneak out with me. It's been a hell of a year for growing up, but we've got one more year without saying goodbye, so I'm going to make it count.

Things I Would Name a Band from the Wikipedia Article I Read

August Coup
Brothers to the Rescue
Lincolnshire Poacher
Cryptographic Function
Hotel Kilo
Firedrake Jammer

The Memories Came Back

The problem with hookups, is sometimes they start to respect you as a person, when all you really wanted was to feel like a slut. That way there's a reason for him not wanting you back, rather than "things just happened."

------------ ---------------------------- --------

I kinda think that that is my song, and I kinda want to jump off a bridge.

Stapler

I think my stapler looks like a sleepy smiling Japanese cartoon character. It's square and has two eyes, a circular nose and a mouth. I guess it looks like this -__- but with a nose.

FML

I HAD IT SO GOOD! Fuck you time and coincidence! I told myself I don't judge, I don't compare, but holy hell other boys make me miss him and everything he's good at. Bitches need to learn to kiss.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Christmas Eve: A Day of Firsts

Today was a day of two very important firsts, and the lesser is that I finally beat Minesweepers on Expert and I did it in 430 seconds.

Questions I Should Ask

Why won't you just say, "Fuck your control. I'm young and in love."?
Who were those thoughts about?
Do you ever get down about it like I do?
How could you be the one person I thought I connected to and let go?
Have you loved any of them?
Who did this to you?
Why would you let me do it to myself?
You know I'd be behind you anyway, right?
Oh god, did you ever think of me after you told me that?
Did you think I wouldn't care after all those memories?
How come you never told me if the cops got the bastard?
You only saw me for those twenty minutes or so in the shared spotlight, but what did you think of us?
I know it's been ages since that picture was taken, but when's the last time you smiled like that?
Do you love her?
What did you wish for on those stars?
Who is/was she?
Are you scared like I was?
Did you ever figure out what it said?
Will you let yourself be free when you're free of us?
Are we holding you back?
How much do you think I miss you, and how jealous do you think I am of your new life?
Why do I feel like I missed you too late?
Did you feel alone even though I was there for you?
Why can't we keep making memories like the ones we couldn't stop laughing at?
Which one of you got in the tree first?
In retrospect, do you see how hateful it made me?
Did you realize that I realized too when you said that?
How much do you remember beyond your trite associations?
Will you ever go back for him?
What did he do to make you fall in love with him?
Would you have ever gone through with it or said something?
Do you ever miss your friends and your life?
When did I start seeing you as tired and broken people?
Why did I ever change my feelings about you?
Would you really save that spot for me?
Do you ever wonder why they're really there?
How would you feel if you found out their answers?
Do you know I'm proud and jealous of you?
I know you meant what you said years ago, but did you ever acknowledge it afterwards?
Was I the one who let you down the most?
Why didn't you tell me about your hopes for me?
Why haven't we spoken before this?
Do you know about them?
What would you do if you found out?
How could someone do that to you?
When did you become a terrible person?
Are we going to ruin this?

PJ Par-tay

I wore my PJs to school.
Teachers and students alike were jealous of how comfy I was.
My mom was supposed to pick me up at 3:30.
My bus gets home before 3:00.
She was home when I got there.
She flipped out.
"You let her walk out the door like that?" she accosted my dad.
"She's got her own personality if you haven't noticed," he replied.
Made my day.
Plus Jeremy Bean loved it.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my feelings and memories about JoeKat post break up. It is dated Friday, May 23rd, 2006.


"Alright, magic for real?"
I've forgiven everything I ever held against my beloved Kacey. I utterly swear by it. I knew even when I hated that it was my fault, so it was just a lot of self loathing, and I am completely indebted to him for relieving me of that. I don't know when the last time I screwed up was. I guess it was when I was dating him.

Anyway.

I never wanted to be her. I couldn't stand the thought that someone else could hate me with such passion. I didn't even know I was capable of such hate. Of course, Abby assured me that Sarah would get over it and that we were free to date. Sarah and I had had a falling out over this little issue because she knew we were flirting. She's a tad bit dramatic and moody. Only a tad. If she had outright said anything to me, of course I would have never been her Kacey, because I understood.

Even when Trisha asked me the day before, she said she knew, but I was telling the truth. Emotion got the best of logic and loyalty. Oops... That was January 25th. The twenty-sixth I saw JUNO and told him. The twenty-seventh I made a playlist of 27 songs that made me incredibly happy because they made me think of him. I don't know what they were for the most part, so I don't associate them with him. Although there is quite a bit more that makes me think of him... He said he'd think about it. He liked me, but he didn't know if he secretly was still crushing on Hillary. I wouldn't have minded. He was still ridiculously jealous of Matt. Maybe still is. There's nothing there, and after him, there hasn't been since. He didn't realize. Still doesn't.

Our first kiss was on Valentine's Day. He made me an adorable "slide show" that he spent hours working on. I filled some of a book of words for him. I wish I could see that. I don't know what I wrote in the throws of emotion. I'm pretty sure there was dirty txting before our first kiss. Some emotional secret sharing too. Yep, in the same night. Lemme check that... Yep, February 7th I think. Then on, possibly the 9th? A picture of him lifting weights without a top on. That was hot. I'm still hot for him. I can't believe how insecure he is. I guess he thought I wanted an Adonis. *sigh*

Anyway, masturbating was a whole lot more fun because there were images and ideas to try. Plus the emotion and fantasizing pleasure of having a distinct "lover" to think about. I had my first orgasm because of the dirty txting. (I think?) I also was a lot more willing to try things on my own because in my head, I was practicing to show him. Although I did have my first (and last as of this writing) lesbian sex dream. It wasn't bad. I still haven't watched porn, but I started researching things we could buy once he was 18. I'm sure if we were still dating I would have given him head, or at least a hand job. I got close to the handjob... On the band bus. Never again.

I didn't mind, really. Of course Matt is right to say I'm sexually frustrated, but for a while I stopped taking the wrappers off of bottles. I learned a lot about myself, what I'm willing to do, how trivial I view a lot of emotion and experiences, and just about relationships and how to feel physically good. He was sweet and romantic when we talked, but accidentally, cutely. Before we were dating he told me he would never let me lick the floor of the first practice room. He also said if I ever needed a hug he'd be there. I wonder if they still apply. We shared nightly dreams, day dreams, fears, goals, the weather, and then stupid little things. However, I have no idea what we talked about for small talk other than drumline.

Jeff once said he had an entire conversation with him about running water. Really? I want that now. I sorta wanted it then.

I completely forgot about our after school/before drumline special. We had two, and I don't remember when the other one was. Maybe it was three? Yes, three. We organized crayons and I read the book he wrote when he was six about his birthday party. I dressed up as a pirate and we watched [S]crubs together. I do miss that. I don't know when the other one was, but I had to take out the wallet in his back pants pocket so I could grab his ass better.

Anyway, I went to his house, and his sister was there, which was weird. We watched [S]crubs again, not a particularly interesting episode I think. Then I wanted to see his Pokemon cards so we went to the basement to look. However, they were up in his room... He found them and I legitimately wanted to look at them because I knew what being in his room would lead to and I was hesitant. I was looking at the book on the floor, and he suggested we go to the bed. I knew, and was fluttery about it, but who gives a fuck. (haha) He was rushing me looking at them, which really was upsetting in hind sight because he just wanted me to lay down so he could get on me instead of waiting for me to finish with the cards. There are plastic glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. I'm sure they mean so much more to me than to him. We made Nutella sammiches and turns out Nutella kisses are just regular kisses.

It's odd because it's JoeKat, but I write incredibly distanced from it all. It was nice, but it also wasn't really him in my mind...

Postscript: Still haven't had a lesbian sex dream since then

General Texts:

Ur hilarious. Haha. Im glad that the chick im being brutally honest with is blondmcblondblond. But ur the only whose actually truly asked. ;)
-Wasiq

So the lady at Olive Garden just seated my mom and I. She walked away, and soon after, another woman walks up to us, and says, 'Be right with you, ladies.'
-Jimmy

alright chlo your the best thanks love you too
-Jack

Laissez fare, barrel of monkeys and anti-american anti-god communists.
-Matt

Integrizzle my derivatizzle.
-Matt

The Cover and the Song and the Reference and the Wrong

I sleep diagonal in my bed.

Soco Amaretto Lime

Tonight was the commencement of The Power Pit Reunion Party, though only four of the original power pit were in attendance. Jeff and I spent the beginning of the afternoon with Viv, watching hilarious YouTube videos and kittens and somethingawful and cryptwalking and general hilariousity. From there we drove to Matt's to eat some cookies and listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Three kids lying in his living room surrounding a boom box spewing the general humour and political commentary of NPR. It was gorgeous. After the program we had to leave after being distracted by the TI-NSpire. On the way into Nicki's development, a track had begun playing that Jeff wanted me to listen to, but he said there wasn't enough time. While it was enjoyable to hear about the exotic college lives of other students, it felt like an exceedingly lengthy party. Molly and I had a tickle fight, Sarah C. brought an unusually large amount of animal crackers, and it was all around a warm time recalling fond memories rather than making them. Sleepy Gina left before me, though I was similarly batting eyelids. Jeff was going to bring me home to my mom's, and it was the second time in a month I've cried in front of him. The song was Soco Amaretto Lime, and the memory was not mine, but the thought of it brought tears of jealousy for their beauty and friendship. A boy I do not know who plays guitar and drinks and parties was playing his instrument alone on stage for baccalaureate. Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New. Towards the end of the song, his friends stood up in the crowd and sang. They sang with him, "We'll stay 18 forever. You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love." At every party, no matter what stage of sobriety or drunkenness, they would stand and sing this song together before leaving. Driving home in the car with Jeff, I thought how there cannot be anything more perfect and beautiful in the world, and how I do not think I will have that. I teared up, I could not speak. I thought of the last time the pit felt like home. When Trisha, Matt, Abby, Sarah, and I, those who would be there through our graduation, could take anything with a grain of salt and humour and maybe a little song and laugh. How I thought that they would the people to have life altering revelations with in the dark of night, screaming in cars to music we could sure as hell learn to play, and staying out under the stars in a giddy stupor until we had a memory worth writing about. I remembered my time of existence when I was young and in love, and was jealous of those who still are and how close and how far everything seems. Graduation is not far away and the new year is not far away, and suddenly tomorrow will be next year's celebration of our last year together and then the last year will be gone and moved on. And I cried and he hugged me saying "It's not a red light, but that's alright. Do you just miss stuff?" [pause and nod], "I do too." And I cried at the way he said it, but it was good.

I love you guys.

Blue M&Ms

I've wasted too much magic in wishing for the reasonable and contradictory. And yet despite my abuses of magical ability, I've had innumerable wishes come true.

Legs?

Mrs. Rock and Abby told me my legs are nice. I didn't know. I wouldn't know. I have no basis for comparison. Girls realize when other girls look nice more so than guys. I don't understand this. Exposed legs remind me of A Christmas Story.

The Best Lines: A Summary

Wasiq and I are having a lovely Facebook message conversation about why he doesn't have a secret girlfriend or a real girlfriend, and the complications of getting one. The following are the best lines from each message post.

1. The Opening:
...so i know you were anxious to hear the whole deal with the secret girlfriend/girlfriend/having a girlfriend thing

2. The Response:
I'm sure there are plenty of whities who've never been kissed.

3. He Gets My Letter in the Mail
why would write that first sentence on that letter

4. The Defense
Makes secret sleepovers harder

5. The Gasp
i wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for very long lol.

6. The Follow Up Gasp
and...alarm and no windows?

7. The Cold, Hard Truth
It'll be a while before you unleash the Beast from the Middle East.

8. The Misunderstanding of the Extent of the Innuendo
i would feel really awkward unleashing it with someone else...

9. Correcting the Misunderstanding
Awkward territory, but "unleashing the beast" includes a very wide spectrum of pleasurable activities.

10. The Last Line of #9. was very straight forward
I realized the letter would be summarized as the last line and didn't want you to see that first.

11. Laughter
lol

12. Bang Bang
i was straight up thinking like bang bang bang ba bang bang.

13. Further Clarification
I just meant acting on your physical desires and letting others act theirs on you.

14. The Past
yea we were having conversations at lunch and at one point..i think i referred to "beast" as well...dick.

15. The Cliffhanger
at least not yet. ;)

16. The Tease
Maybe I'll wear that skirt a little more (and then a little less). :O

17. Just Checking
of course i'd go to your funeral!

18. Obvious Statement
We've got some serious usage of the winky smiley face going on.

19. The Entire Summary of the Conversation
...provocative/seductive/quasi-seductive/innuendo/intentional innuendo comments need a winkey smiley.

20. FACT
Plus I always win Never Have I Ever.

Questioning the Contradiction

Dave and I see each other quite a lot in school, though it is under forced academic association and awkward hallway ignorances. Our outward attitudes lean significantly towards indifference and when required, blank attention. However, there are instances I forget that's how I'm supposed to be. If I do not think about it, I honestly feel splendid and tend to show it. Skipping and subtle dance moves occasionally interrupt my walking, laughter and giggling my speech, and repressed smiles my face. Yet on one occasion in particular, I was skipping with delight at the additions to my 2009 New Year's Resolution, and passed his lunch table. I was instantly struck by his nearness and slightly faltered in my step. Should I be skipping in front of him? Does he think this is on purpose? I don't want him to think I've moved on... He shouldn't have noticed, but still. The skipping continued, as did the train of thought.

Monday in Biology, he was visibly and through complaint, audibly, sick. It hurt wishing it was in my appropriate response to bring him Jell-O and Gatorade. Sunday, on solstice, it will have been a month since it became inappropriate. I knew what I was going to get him for Christmas. Hopefully I'll get my song lyrics before the new year begins. If it's not hand written, I don't think it will mean as much. I feel terrible to ask him, but would be scared and subversive to leave a note. Maybe some compromise will present itself. :\

The Last of the Memories

I've got a fantastic memory for detail. If I am actively experiencing something, not much gets left out. At inappropriate times I get stuck in strange and beautiful memories, sparked by some relevant item of the present. Increasingly, and especially because of other's fears, I had a desire to write them down. Reading them creates a sad nostalgia, but also immense happiness in recapturing the feel of the time. I don't want to lose the paper. It's lengthy and for my own sake.


The first time we ever talked online beyond school stuff was the week of my birthday when everyone was in Hawaii at 1 AM about the excellently horrible horror movie Catacombs.
He gave me the rest of Led Zeppelin IV and most of Farmhouse as an early birthday present.
44/16=2.75, love Dave and Joe
He told me I made him a communo-anarchist.
He made me an anarcho-communist.
I was with him when he took the bandage off his Anarchy tattoo.
Farmhouse was playing when I finally got away from his when he let me win Bearwrestling at my birthday party.
His text tone was Farmhouse until my phone speaker broke.
We walked to Sarah's house and he told me about his neighbor's Sherman Shepherd and secret rabbit. When they went on vacation they had a dead rabbit.
He sang Black Hole Sun and said he knew Chris Cornell's voice more intricately than the ROCKBAND requirements.
I sat next to him when we watched Romeo+Juliet and WANTED. During the previews he narrated a silent Batman preview and we laughed at the people's comments behind us. That night I told him it was hard to keep from crushin' on him, and he agreed.
The night before I left for Ocracoke, at Nicki's RHPS party, he put WIN! make up on me so I won a penis flavored lollipop. He was a fan of my outfit.
He told me to "Dance!" the first time we snuck out and I heard what sounded like Grateful Dead or upbeat Phish and I gave him a button and showed him my doodle summaries and he got a f'real Wawa Strawberry Milkshake and both agreed the machine reminds us of Star Wars. Then we saw the periscopic leaf and he blew his nose on a large be-fungled leaf. I watched the moon set and sun rise and a pentapus in the clouds. I was singing all the way home and "Old Man" as I got in the door, just in case my dad was waiting.
He and his uncle dueted "Wish You Were Here" while he was down Avalon and got sad.
The sunset pictures were beautiful.
He told me he was going to drive back to Bethel and pick me up so we could watch them together. Then hijack a boat.
He graffiti'd our names into some rich guy's recently poured driveway.
We shared a can of peaches at band camp when he made all the instruments I drew instruments of death.
Our first kiss was when we paused Stigmata because he had to go and then I went into my room and listened to "Do You Believe in Magic" and "First Date" as loud as my iPod speakers would go and danced. He was wearing his brown Pink Floyd shirt and I had my Neopolitan outfit on.
I interrupted his "Vatican Discount" graffiti for me so I could take him to my house.
All of our shared graffiti are adorable.
The first time we kissed in the hammock and the day he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, I kept moving my face all around so I wouldn't get goggle faced and he was wearing his "Green City Planning" shirt with the little kid on the back who I said was Banksy.
One of the first times we hung out in the hammock he fell out when I went inside. No matter what planar surface we were on, he would gravitate slowly to the right.
He had a general fear of being hit in the balls by a falling walnut.
He wore Monty Python Boxers and a Tuxedo shirt and a Vicoden haze to Abby's birthday party. He held me around my waist, poured cold water down my back when I was in the hot tub, sang "Never Gonna Give You Up" with Dan and Andrew C. Jeremy told me to give him a Vicoden BJ and on the way home Andrew C. would give one to whoever could named the Metallica song "Nothing Else Matters" before the vocals came on, and Dave almost responded. We kissed in his car.
The second time we snuck out my bike tire was flat. I was shaking because my hoodie wouldn't zipper up and I was excited. He wore the alpaca. We saw 12 shooting stars until the cops came and he told me to roll and lied about his age.
The cops stopped him on Smithbridge and told him to use protection.
The next morning he mis-texted me "Chloe totally wanted to get on my dick last night."
I watched American Pie, which was a lot better than I expected, because he told me the bandee gave him hope for band/non-band integration.
The third time he forgot his alpaca and I was scared the cops knew about the ninja thing when they stopped him at the playground. We were so cold, but stayed long enough to get Dew'd.
The absurd pride and humor of the ninja stopping my instrument with his foot and getting on the roof, followed by the sickening guilt when the cops came.
When he came to visit during band camp wearing the CCCP shirt, Katie said he was goodluck and we almost got him in the pit picture.
Messing with the ducks and geese and skipping stones and Esquire Capelli being an ass at the Grist Mill.
Floridians asking us if we needed help on our walk back to his house.
Super Colossal Shrimp and overly helpful guy and tomatoes from Canada like him because they didn't have E. coli like every other vegetable at that point in the summer. We had Tomato and Basil veggie burgers.
He was watching Future Weapons and wearing the argyle when the Dorans came to pick him up for West Chester Diner. He got fruit salad and balloons. At his house we watched Nuns on the Run and Deathwatch. Then we went to Build a Dream with my balloon and were the most childish people there because we were the first kids at the ice cream truck. He got me a Blue Raspberry ICEE Pushpop for $1.75 and he had Blue Raspberry Soda by C&C maybe? Then it started raining so we watched Men's Gymnastic Olympic Trials at the Wakovia Center from his house. Then we went to Hetty's and Meg stopped fifty feet outside Hetty's neighborhood to ask if we wanted a ride. He thought Jeff asked if we were official yet and felt like an ass for not doing so yet. He complimented Marty Monkhouse's ass for me.
I painted tiny sunflowers on my toenails in acrylic paint when I knew he was coming over.
He made fun of Gina for being pregnant on the Brandywine and talked about geologist's "drinking games involving complex mathematical formulas" and blew bubbles and saw ducks.
On the ride to Penncrest Jeremy said the rule of the bus was "You give one, you get one" [BJ], and I pretty effectively attribute all of our edited shenanigans to that.
Mrs. Glanfield saw him at the Penncrest bus ride and he propositioned the girls outside our bus.
He dibbsed giving first.
I was wearing my tuxedo dress and baggy cargo pants and matching undergarments the first time I came for him and my fists were clenched and I lisped "tuxcess" and he made fun of me for it at the football game I voluntarily went to. He bought me rootbeer and my ticket in.
He pretended to be an outrageous conservative at SPEAK UP! Where he claimed that if we drilled in Alaska and offshore, gas prices would drop under a dollar tomorrow. Joe D. almost agreed.
*Memory posted in secret blog for scandalous details
The second time we went to the Gristmill we crossed over an overgrown railroad track near Pole Cat Road and I was shown where two of his friends suffered near death injuries. We saw two adorable chipmunks I didn't know lived around here. *Rest of memory edited for scandal
We watched Screamers, but it was so terrible we walked his dog and then his parents thought we were fucking outside. He was wearing his blue "Peace" shirt.
When he told me he loved me for the very first time, he opened with "I love spending time with you so much. Anything else can't compare. Someone could say, 'Dude, free trip to the moon.' and I'd say, 'Sorry, I'm busy.'" I laughed, then he said, "Sometimes a laugh is the best response, but I hope I don't get a laugh when I say, 'I love you.'" And I was speechless for near on five minutes thinking of something stupidly, stammeringly cheesy but I just smiled and teared up and I couldn't believe he loved me.
My mom interrupted our first truly meaningful goodbye.
The next week he lent me his alpaca at Abby's bonfire where he sent the green M&Ms down the garbage disposal and I had my realization. The next day we watched the Eagles game together and I wore my green M&M socks to represent my fallen chocolates, but I told him I loved him anyway.
Fire works and Collective Soul and Pirates.
He fell asleep with me on the hammock on October 3rd during the best wordless hour of my life. We kissed, not made out, and I couldn't help but smile and this is my perfect memory.
I loved it when he kissed my forehead.
We spooned in the hammock at one of my bonfire parties.
I almost asked my mom to pray that he could finally surgery on his shoulder, but she volunteered it without me asking. I wish she still was.
I have a ticket stub to see Mama Mia because Pineapple Express was rated R. He couldn't wait with me to get picked up because he was getting a ride from someone else, but it was my first kiss in public. Years from now I will think, "I never saw Mama Mia?"
I also have a ticket stub to see Lakeview Terrace because Religulous was also rated R and he made sure it was on the correct side of the theater. It scared me and I was glad he was there to hold my hand.
I sat in on Squid practice a couple times and in particular, he was wearing his blue "Peace" shirt and played the opening riff to "Creep." I felt like I could sing it to him. He sang.
He came over to my house to hang out and we watched School of Rock and I connived the alpaca off of him, but I really was cold. He warmed my hands for me and it meant a lot. We also read Sign Spotters 2 and he didn't think some were real.
"an A+ combination"
We carved pumpkins. He sleepily carved the tri-force and intercrossed spoon/fork that became spoon/spoon. I had two cats and a moon. He was wearing his Bionic Commandos shirt and then we went out to the hammock and I was mortified. I got stuck in the hammock because Branden made a hole.
He changed the C/Js to indicate whose week it was for dishes to names. The last one was January.
I was so sad to get interrupted during James Bond.
I thought of him when we burned the anarchist on Bonfire Night. He was flattered.
We got extra ribbed even though they "hurt" and I had a hispanic lady as my checkout clerk and Dave got accosted by an old guy in the parking lot.
I'm glad my first time was not in the backseat of his car, but not glad that because of it, it will not be with him.
The voyeur made me laugh and completely relieved the stress.
"I love you so much."
His smell is incredible.
He wrote a song for me and hasn't given me the lyrics as of yet.

"You've got a big fat terrorist crush"- Viv

I've been flirting with Wasiq and I feel like a skankbag even though I know it's just fo'sho. He's a lot better at it than I thought. There have been multiple uses of the "winky smiley face," but I think he'd look ridiculous doing it in real life. Oh well, I am sad he can't have a real girlfriend. I hope he falls in love with an unbelievable Muslim girl so he and his parents can be happy. Or maybe he'll grow a spine and date a whitie.

Thought I Noticed

Sometimes I say, "I wonder what time it is?" in my head before I check my cell phone to see if I have new text messages so it's not so disappointing when I don't have any. I usually wind up not knowing the time as well.

Reckless Abandon

I feel vindicated by the pain of someone I don't even know. Somehow I wish I could have served as an example to her, but she wouldn't have known until it was too late. At least I had examples and the strength to follow through.

Facebook makes me feel like I don't have any friends.
Taking only "smart kid classes," makes me feel like I don't have friends.
Abby's blog makes me feel like I have friends and no issues.
My favorite class is Spanish because the people and information is new.
School mornings made me realize I don't mind getting up early, but I hate looking for someone to talk to when I get to my destination.
The smart group that is parallel to ours is really tame, otherwise I would try to get in again.
Looking around the room in Bio during Meiosis, I realized that I am the most vulgar girl, and second most obscene student.
Boys make better friends than girls.
I can physically fight like a girl, but not emotionally.
I don't think Shana likes me very much, but that Abby and Sarah like her more than me.
Even if it's not true, I wouldn't care.
Mr. Trabocco called me a folk hero.
There are a lot of people I think are really interesting, but I don't think know me.
People who know me as a smart kid are always surprised when I tell them I've gotten Ds for two years in a row in academic classes.
It helps me feel like I can relate to them when they can feel they did better than me.
If I was more of a people person, being a drifter would be easy.
Creeking with Nicki was one of the most fun bonding experiences of my life, and I'm sad that I can't do that all the time with everyone.
Some of my favorite time is waiting for Mrs. Frost to finish reading the letters I write her.
I've only ever gotten personal mail from Jeff and my aunts.
The last time I got a postcard I was 11 and it was from my aunt, but I didn't care because I thought she was annoying.
Making people feel special is beautiful in itself.
Knowing that someone took time out of their day to acknowledge your existence as a positive force is nice.
I would give my whole day to that if there were enough people to.
When I check my e-mail and I have 72 letters from colleges telling me I'm the perfect student for them makes me feel better.
When my quote gets featured in thethingswesaid I feel like what I say is special, if not usually very quirky.
If I had to choose one word that describes my entirety right now, I think it would be endearing.
I still check my texts at night as if he sent me one.
Dan Graney puts effort into how he says goodnight like I do.
I try to vary how I say goodnight to people so each experience they get something new and nice.
Molly and Gina's text messages are more beautiful and heartfelt than the ones I got from Dave.
They honestly make me feel like a good person.
I miss all of the random characters I wasn't really close with from the class of '08, like Andrew Z, Dana, Alanna, Dave N, and Zach.
I don't think they ever knew it, but I really liked Steve, Beth, Erin, and Melissa.
Nobody hugs the drum majors like we used to hug Steve and Schlicter.
I really respected Schlicter when she told us that if we ever needed it, she'd pick us up from a party we didn't feel comfortable at or calling our parents.
I'm afraid that the grades below ours are so terrible that Hi-Q and Drumline are going to die.
After my grade leaves, there are only "three" kids in the pit.
The freshmen still haven't been to a party, though I've tried.
I admire my father.
I don't respect my mother on the human level because she's everything I don't want to be.
And that kills me inside.

Stuff

Today: My dad fixed my iPod using magic and gnomes. I feel sexy like Sarah Palin.
Yesterday: Wasiq and I had a scandalous life talk and I txt'd seven people at the same time.
Two Days Ago: Our drumline music is fantastic. While there, I'm out of my head and having fun.

I <3 Flight of the Conchords

It Snowed for Ho'ball

I don't think I should have gone, but I should not have stayed at Hetty's either. The music wasn't good at all, but I danced the entire time, spaced out and inattentive to everything. I'm a follower at dances. I don't have a best friend to freak out with and don't want to bump 'n' grind with boys. When Sandstorm came on, I threw myself into a pit and stupidly forgot it was the only one. I wound up jumping with my back to his. When we realized, perhaps unintentionally because of restricted movement, or perhaps on purpose to show that it really was ok, we did not move and kept jumping. It felt ok. I felt ok. I'm going to try to speak again, but it may be hampered by my straggling memories.

Flight of the Conchords

"Do they smoke grass in space? Or astroturf?"

Communism Friday

During Hi-Q, I was informed by Sam B. that Tboc told his class about the "episode" last year involving the flag of a particular, formerly communist country. For Matt's 16th b-day we made USSR flags and were going to bring them into school on the start of the October Revolution adjusted for the Gregorian Calendar. As the day rolled in and on to Enhancement, we taped the offending symbol of humanity to his door and waited for third period, our special time with him. Repressing smiles and giggles, we took our seats and smiled harder at the semi-devious looks he was giving us. Walking up to my desk holding an envelope, he emptied its contents, the shredded remains of my flag onto the desk. Attempting to return them to their former state by means of puzzle solving, he took "the winds of Democracy," borne from the flap of a folder, to ruin my efforts. Only partially dissuaded I have kept the pieces in my purse for over a year now. Knowing that the story of my flag's trials were told, it was time to bring them out of exile. Shortly after being informed, Matt and I took to the reconstruction and rise of communism from the ashes, forged in greatness as the phoenix from flame. Pieced together, we were missing two pieces, but also had three "extra" pieces that wouldn't fit and therefore were ignored. The final product was a work of beauty and signed with, "The winds of Democracy will never sway the endless ideology that is Communism. Sincerely, Chloe (Hammer/Sickle and Heart)." Taking the opportunity at the switch of third to lunch, I got tape from Poli and and stuck that piece of paper to the outside of his window while he was teaching less than three feet away. It was a day of victory and several tests.

It's True

I'm Excited

I talked to my brother. I read wiki articles. I watched movies. I listened to music. I've considered costs and risks and consequences. I looked at pictures. I glanced at books. I assessed what it means to what little morality I have left.

Bring it on.

I'm going to be exciting. Of course I'm awesome and hilarious, and maybe this does have something to do with that, but what the hell have I really done? This was my summer, and it will be my winter too.

End Communication

"Do you have any idea what happened to us? Because it hurts to lie in my bed and know you loved me here and that so soon you were gone. If there isn't an explanation I'll be sleeping shitty anyway, but I can't stop thinking about you. :\"

"I don't know. I just sort of got to the point where I was always irritated about something. I let things get to me I guess."


It did hurt to know that Saturday night he held me in my bed and told me he "loved me so much," and that by Wednesday he would not even say goodnight. But somehow, I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. There are an endless number of adorable or exciting memories I've shared with him, but it doesn't really hurt to think about them. I lied when I said I wouldn't sleep well. I've been having some of the longest, most vivid dreams of recent times. Dave's not in them, or not for long. In two of the dreams I've asked where he was, because his missing presence is noted, but I'm not sad about it. On my walk to Viv's then to Gina's I remembered every time we'd talked or laughed or noted something about the walk, or how I would sing on my way to see him after midnight. And I laughed and smiled the whole time, it was fun. I've actually got some really important memories, some really badass stories about Garnet Valley. Now that I've grown to appreciate the layout, and how close things really are, and how mobile I can be just walking, I realize I've found stunning beauty in Garnet Valley. Now I can sound impressive and wild. At BYC I got picked up and let go by the fuzz. More than once I've snuck out of my house after midnight. And one time, I spent so long in the Darlington Arts Parking lot staring at the stars that I watched the moon set. I've scared ducks and sucked cock at the Newlin Grist Mill. Twice I've gone down the Brandywine on a plastic, inflatable, whale pool toy named Shamu. My friends have a.) rallied my spirits and comforts b.) been a bitch, but that's ok. Other than the fucking up math class thing, it's been a year worthy of '06-'07.

Things That Will Remind Me of Him

Things: alpacas (finished product), tattoos, anarchy, communism, Morse Code, wolf spiders, A+, Vicodin, "smash the state," Blue Raspberry Icee Push Pops, West Chester Diner balloons, a certain constellation, the T9 word doodle/fondle, tree carvings, driveway graffiti, ushankas, ninjas/pirate, flowers, ponchos, guitars, ducks, geese, skipping stones, sneaking out, shooting stars, cops, le parkour, French, Canada, American Pie (movie), Jeeps, the backseat of cars, HERRs plain potato chips, pumpkin carving, cats that look like they have the continent covering their sides, cats drinking out of toilets, STAR WARS: The Force Unleashed, The Ultimate Survival Guide Board Game, purple/yellow sunsets, pink frisbees, internet chat commentators business meeting, T-Rex skeletons, walnuts, acorns, child slavery, the title "Esquire," fireworks, Tuxedo shirts, tuxedo dresses, "tuxcess," Health Guard Pin, the Fonz, and many, many more

Sports: The Patriots, Thursday football, college football, hockey, the Pittsburgh Pirates, The Gymnastic Men's Trials, The Olympics, The World Series

Music: Phish, see Farmhouse (album/song), Secret Smile (song) and Waste (song), Collective Soul, Blink-182, Nirvana, Wish You Were Here, Port Is Head, Grunge Rock, Superunknown (album), Black Hole Sun (song/Rock Band track)

Places: The Hammock, The Grist Mill, the Brandywine Youth Club, the Darlington Arts Center, the entirety of Kirk, the intersection of Kirk-Temple/Smithbridge, West Chester Diner, his dad's house, his mom's house, his mom's neighborhood, Build a Dream Playground, the Brandywine, at least for a little while, Wawa on 202, the place where the sidewalk ends, Pittsburgh, the roof of the school, Riviera Pizza

Movies: American Pie, Screamers, Nuns on the Run, Deathwatch, Midnight Meat Train, Pineapple Express, Religulous, School of Rock, MIB II, Wanted, Romeo+Juliet, Stigmata, Catacombs

Books: The Invisible Man, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Boxers: Monty Python, Southpark, Deer, tie-dye, Mario

I keep forgetting

I slept, and when I woke up, I remembered and the hurt was new.

I walked down Rodman, through River Road Park, where I swung and sat on the "vicious Barney, " to the Governor Printz, to the Cauffiel House, across the road to the Blackrock Center, into Bellevue, across the oval track, across Marsh, into Rockwood, and into the creek where my hands were too frozen to skip rocks like we did at the Grist Mill. Only one guy in a pick up truck offered me a ride. It took so long to get warm. It's the same walk I took the day before the night I broke up with JoeKat, but backwards, from the creek, home, from home to the creek. That one ended with me not going to break up with him, but the hurt came crashing back that night.

He removed me from his interests.

"Hugs and Sympathies"

My last text to him of any importance:

"Please, if you are awake, tell me to stop waiting. If you are asleep, please tell me my fear is unfounded when you wake up or see me. :\"
-Chloe, on Thursday

I knew what was going to happen when he said, "Let's go over here." I almost lost my virginity Saturday, and given a decent chance would've in the next two weeks. But he didn't want me to be a "fuck and chuck," which at least is considerate. I don't know when or why he stopped loving me, but I don't know how it began either. Cliches like, "you're awesome," "you don't need him," "he's an idiot," and "there are other guys," aren't really helpful. I know I'm awesome, independent, and will find someone else to love me, but he's also not an idiot or stupid for this. All of his actions are rationally justifiable, but emotion has a way of making that insignificant. I'm going to miss him and the adorable things we did together, so I'll be sad for a while.

I'm OK (just making sure you know)

I've had to see a lot of myself I assumed I wouldn't have to for a while, and I've fought my beliefs and seen I am comfortable in myself. I don't mean to shut anyone out or cause worry with my silence, but I finally feel like I have something personal and worth keeping to myself and finally mine.

Distance

How far do you it think it is to reach from the back seat while not buckled in to the foot space of the passenger seat? Maybe 3-4 feet? It could probably be done without taking your bum off the seat. What if your back was facing the windshield? That's still pretty close I think, especially if you can twist. Trisha and I tried acting it out in the middle of the hall today to make a guesstimate. We decided definitely within arm's reach. That's close.

Talking

I haven't talked to anyone in so long. I miss Sarah and Abby, and this week has been too hectic to talk to Trisha just because of circumstance. What I need to say I can't to Matt, and what I want to say feels almost too personal for me to share it because I feel stupid and childish. My brother had friends over all weekend, and he assumes things I guess, but I haven't told him anything recently either. Friday I was going to go all girl talk and what not, and by Saturday I realized I needed it a lot sooner than I thought. Of course it's about Dave, and I don't want to ramble, but this time it's also about me. I felt so much stronger and secure in myself before. I am still strong, it just hurts more to make sure I stay me.

Girl Pockets

What did you find in your pocket?
-Dave

Hahahaha! Totally forgot! That's hilarious! Keep that to yourself hahaha!
-Dave

I held myself to "higher standards."

French Txt: This is what I get for sending love letters in Spanish

Sleep well. Je suis surexite pour le jour quand tu fait finalement du transduction. Bonne nuit, ma cherie. Je t'aime fort.
-Dave

My first interpretation was: I am excited for when you finally dream. Good night, my cherished. I love you too.

Freetranslation.com's interpretation was: I am surexite for when you does finally of the transduction. Good night, my cherie. I like you strong.

I'm pretty sure I'm missing accents in surexite and cherie, but I think I've got a good grasp on them. No idea about transduction, and the English word is about bacteria or childhood reasoning.

Txts: Consistently 98% Full

I haven't been able to post many adorable quotes because they've been consistently sprinkled with vulgarities I would not publish and cannot be edited to be sensible and adorable.

NO YOU WON'T!
-Dave

Okay sweet. I'm looking forward to it. I am SO tired. Text me in the morning when you have a time. I'll probably dream about you in French. :P Sleep well. I love you. Goodnight. xoxoxo
-Dave

Hahahaha. I'm not inanimate! >:-| I just found old DanandDave files we never used. I put them to music and uploaded the product. It's called "Action! Movie!"
-Dave, in response to:

Nothing too weird, something I can call my signature move. I wouldn't put my name on anything unpleasant. We played chirades during Drumline. My concept was "falling madly in love with an inanimate object." The respective guesses were, "seducing Dave Rose" and "Taking off Dave Rose's pants." Those were guessed before I started acting.
-Me

I kind dozed off for a while there. I love you too. A whole lot, I'll see you with it in the morning, so be careful.
-Dave

That's okay. I can't either. I think it's a good time to pack it in. I'll see you tomorrow. I had a nice afternoon ... Goodnight, Chloe. I love you love you love you love you. <3 <3
-Dave

The Left Shoe

I promised myself I wouldn't start writing on the left shoe until I got the lyrics to the song he's writing me to put on the tongue of the right one. On Tuesday he worked with Nick and Wasiq to get it translated from acoustic to electric, and I'm really excited. However, at the bonfire, I got it really dirty, so I may have to clean it up. My book of quotes is getting really full, but that's half the fun of it. I am going to live like Emma Goldman, but with my own life and values.

Carta de Amor

While I was cleaning out my backpack, I found two love letters I had written to Dave in Spanish. I remember I specifically looked up words I didn't know, and tried to use tenses I'm not comfortable with. I want to publish this one because it was the better idea wise, rather than the grammatically sensible, simple one.

"Me encanta tu alpalca. A veces con la duermo. Mi corazón está muy feliz. "Te amo." Lo deciste, y lo creo. Ahora no puedo dejar de pensar de tú por uno hora. Yo sueño de tú. Todos noches me duermo con la esperanza voy a verte antes de me despierto. Me gusta (casi) los deportes cuando estoy con tú, pero miraría C-SPAN con tú si quieras. Estoy muy orgullosa estar tu novia. La inteligencia y el sentido del humor tienes estan más extraordinarios que cualquiera otra persona ya conozco. ?Quien, pero tú, puede me traer éstos sentimientos de amor y confianza? Tú estás todo quiero, pero tu abrazo es todo necesito. Mi amor es siempre nuevo y claro. Con amor y comunismo y toda mi corazón, Chloe."

PS: It was a bitch to find the accents

Big Blue Bag

When my parents got separated my brother was too little to realize what it meant and his play was being hampered by this family discussion. We were never really exposed to the legal battle as our parents were very cordial about it, and the only real symbol of separation was the bag we used to move our things from house to house. It was called the big blue bag, a blue duffel bag that could be zippered into itself that we had so long my brother grew out of bringing his stuffed animal in it. Usually if we had to bring it to Concord Christian Academy, I would take it to my class and leave it with my backpack along the wall. I don't remember it ever weighing too much. Stuffed animals, clothes, seasonal things like bathing suits, and whatever game boys we had weren't a problem, and I really don't remember bringing anything else. Not sure where it is now, but it's the only thing that ever symbolically defined the divorce. Except maybe Delaware.

NCD

I'm totally going to be the creepy lesbian girl after this, but I'll bring National Cleavage Day to the States goddammit. Go South Africa and Wonderbra and Cosmo.

Txts: Worth Keeping

HOLY SHIT! YOUR LAST NAME HAS NO VOWELS IN IT!
-Dave

Saw your name at the bottom of the fondles. Which I loved lol.
-Dave

I'm crying, god, lol. we're a good country again. my god.
-Jeff

Oh, I'm pretty sure I understand because I'm in the same boat. :] So how was your day?
-Dave

Acorn

"Random thought I know, but leads to an actually serious question, 'When was the last time you saw an acorn?'"
"Recently actually, I collect them from important places."
"Oh cool, like where?"
"Katie Ross' old house, and my best friend Kristin's old house too."
"Oh, that's boring... like places that are important to you."

So I brought back an acorn, and it was explained as something really awesome. But I felt stupid for having it, and so didn't share it.

Bonfire/Campfire

We sang songs of moose and fire and Kumbaya and watched the fire crackle and burn and drank apple cider and Mango Twist with too much noise and talked about drugs, sex, and alcohol, but still kept that wild trepidation of so long ago with the magic and awe of being outside and happy. Guy on the fire, where creation for the sake of destruction and meeting for the sake of music, brought back memories and laughter of when we were newer. Huddling close and whispering of sad realizations, but singing loud and holding on to that trembling, fearful rise of welcoming acceptance we cannot usher in quite yet. They said the embers looked like Phoenix feathers or dragon scales, but when things come of out fire that should stay dead, they set barns on fire. I've got my bucket ready, but right now, I'm using it as part of my robot costume.

Hear me crying
Hear me singing
Hear me laughing
Oh I need you
Come by Here

Txts: Random

I had a great afternoon today. I'm really surprised my mom wasn't pissed. She just gave me a talk and a warning. :P
-Dave, on Matt's birthday

How about Satur Day? It only happens 52 times a year.
-Dave, on holidays that need celebrating

But I NEED that shamWow.
-Matt, on cigarettes, porn, and infomercials

Hahaha. Sorry, I think I have another pair of pants to party in that day, but thanks for the invite.
-Me, on The Party in Matt's Pants

I'm not sure if I should appreciate that, but I do, so thanks!
-Dave, on me thinking of him when I go to burn the anarchist

Oh god! Oh god it burns!
-Dave, on setting fire to the anarchist for Guy Fawkes Night

I love you too. I'll talk to you tomorrow! <3
-Dave

Thank you for being a good friend.


"Shh, I'm rocking out."
-Molly

Trees

There used to be a large, dead and dying tree in my front yard where we currently have growing decorative grass. A man used to come every once in a while to take mushrooms that had sprouted themselves on the stump. We don't know if he sold or ate them or actually knew what he was talking about, but my mom would occasionally check the news for "mycology related deaths." My neighbors had another large, dead tree in their side yard in between our driveways. One day that was scheduled to be uneventful, I woke up to discover firemen clustered around the trunk and attempting to coax a wayward iguana from its perch at the top. Sometime after they got it down, our family hosted it for a week, but it was really boring. We sent it on its way to Farmer Willy, and I lost track of it from there. The neighbors had another large pecan tree, where they currently have planted a cat nip tree. Once, Jack and I nabbed every single fallen nut and tried to eat them. Not knowing if we had to roast them or other preparations, we gave up and threw them at each other. There are a total of four trees my neighbors no longer have. Along with the ones already mentioned, two that threatened to fall on their house. It makes the sky over their yard look empty. Before the neighborhood in back of the firehouse was constructed, there used to be a crab apple tree in the field neighboring my yard. Deer would often frequent it, as would my brother and I to collect ammo for when the "invaders" who never came finally arrived. One very early morning, maybe getting ready for school or cartoons, my dad hushed me awake to look out of our kitchen window to see a horse nibbling around the tree. That may also have been Farmer Willy's, but I don't remember it very well.

Response to my Note Passing

.. .-.. --- ..- . -.-- --- ..- - --- --- .-.-.- :]


Which translates to: I loue you too