Pablo Neruda

that that house is empty
and wants nothing to do with you,
your stories mean nothing,
and if you insist on being gentle,
the dog and the cat will bite you.

And something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
deciphering
that fire,
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
nonsense,
pure wisdom
of someone who knows nothing,
and I suddenly saw
the heavens
unfastened
and open.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees.

Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

the rain repeatedly spattering
its words and drilling them full
of apertures and birds.

He learned the alphabet of the lightning

shut up the stars and bury the ash in the earth;
and, in the rising of the light, wake with those who awoke

Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond.
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.

I'm not sure what the graffiti speed has to be to replay in real time it took to draw it, but my most recent would be rather long.

[Edit: I found the "Stat" function on graffiti. I used 85 colors and it is a total of 175 meters of line.]

Huh...

In 1998, teenagers from Portland, Oregon, celebrating high school graduation held a wet T-shirt contest on a Boeing 727 to a Mexican resort . A flight attendant encouraged the activity. An FAA investigation followed, as pilots supposedly judged the contest on the flight deck, disregarding rules that passengers are not allowed in the cockpit. A video showed contestants emerging from the cockpit wearing wet T-shirts. The FAA disciplined the pilots for sexual misconduct.^[1]

Ugly Sunset by Ethic

Sunset, ducking beneath that horizon
what are you so afraid of?
it gave me goosebumps
undeniably dramatic
moonlight
pouring rain
whipping wind
one last breath
she rose out of that lake like silhouetted sea creature
polaroid proof
damaging my internal organs like soundwaves

if there ever was a moment to be labeled poetic
this was it
she was everything
and we were endless

and now she's nailing some other guy and
I'm trapped between the foreground and the background
as the only guy she knew
who could make her tingle
the breakup gave me acupuncture wounds in all the wrong places
which felt less like a sacred chinese method of release and relaxation
and more like being jabbed with a bunch of little fucking needles

so this
is to that sunset
which claims to be beautiful
with it's shapes and shades and mystical colors but really
it's one ugly motherfucker
that sunset
has put an end to more beautiful days than you care to count
that sunset
is the reason for teen curfews and little girls being taken from their homes
that sunset
is the cause of evil worldwide

fuck that thing
you can paint your canvas and snap your photos,
but I sumbit
that that is one ugly sunset

that sunset
and all of its hideous glory
barked death threats at me
and told me that if I thought it was so fucking ugly that I shouldn't look at it
and if I thought these feelings were too painful
then I shouldn't write poetry about them

I look at that sunset
because even ugly is beautiful
and humanity holds no standards
so kissing the audience with my break up poem is not self indulgence
it's taking something ugly
and painful
and heartbreaking beyond comprehension
and showing you just how fucking beautiful
life can be
so go ahead sunset
keep causing death and destruction and darkness
masking it as beauty
and go ahead baby
make me jealous
pluck my nerves and
yank those fucking tears out of me
I appreciate beauty
no matter how difficult it is to find

I hope you
can do the same

ugly sunset
ducking beneath that horizon
what are you so afraid of?

I might ask him to take me back.
I'm only hesitating uncertainly to make sure I really want this.
I don't think he'll say yes.

My Goodbye Was Not So Lovely

I'll miss you, but only in the happiest way possible. Good bye, Chloe. I love you, and I will never forget you. You've given me self-confidence I will never lose and made me smile more than anyone else ever has. I don't mean to be unoriginal, but it's the perfect way to say what I want to. Thank you for the adventure. Every moment was unforgettable and beautiful and I'm so very happy you trusted me and shared a part of your life with me. Thank you.

It didn't have to end.
Now I'm reading Pablo Neruda.

"Ready or not, here they come. It's zombie time."

I found my "artsy notebook" recently, and was very amused by what I had written.

My brother got caught with pot because Brandon does not have common sense.

I went for a walk to Wawa, then biked to Jimmy's last night.

I meant to get Peachy Gummies, but for some horrible reason grabbed caramel creme chews.

My walk was for nothing except thinking.

2/3 of the way finished another one of my New Year's Resolutions.

The Gaslight Anthem has the perfect sound for bein' a reber.

This summer is turning out well. It's interesting.

Today Felt Like Summer

I woke up at noon.
I did internet stuff.
I folded two loads of laundry.
I biked to Gina's house.
We went swimming.
We lounged in the water.
We went to get ice cream.
It was yummy.
We listened to the Pokemon Master CD.
We boogied to the dance remix.
We got back to her house.
I picked up my stuff.
I biked back home.
I sat outside and read.

[Edit: Checked my SAT scores. Feel I did comparatively well.]

Bar Chords Suck

I've been playing guitar a lot.
My wrist hurts.
My fingers have callouses.
This is awesome.

Myrtle Beach: Act & Observation

I read 4 books in 3 days and forgot how it feels to adore reading with every fiber of my body.
(I have more secret dreams than before)

I am sunburnt.
("The only thing more fleeting than summer is childhood")

I told Matt I loved him and didn't mean it in a romantic way.
(I love the right people the wrong amounts)

Breakfast here consists of a mango and toast.
(I adore bread and fruit)

I went swimming in the pool and concentrated on how it felt to move underwater.
(It felt like being high, but without the breathing)

I skinny dipped in the ocean.
(It was awesome)

I purposefully tanned for the first time.
(It sucks)

All of my relatives have drunken conversations about Palestine/Israel or global poverty or the perfect humanity of Obama.
(I don't play enough drinking games None actually)

I miss everyone.
(I want so much to be a hipster)

The most fun I've had at the Wilmington Chase Center was when Jeff and I went to meet Matt at robotics and then checked out the Wilmington Health Fair and sat in on a seminar about being young and black.

Firefly

My life will be one flash of bioluminescent light. Maybe nobody will see or remember the flash, and then it's over. Perhaps it will be the first one someone sees of summer. It could be in a jar, as everything else is slowly suffocating. Though unlikely, perhaps my tiny, insignificant life will flash right over the top of some kid's head as they ride their bike and try to remember every summer they've ever had and it will look like a shooting star.

P.S. It's also a TV show I have to watch with Matt

Hurt is the same in past and current tense in the plural.
"My fingers hurt so much."
"Her lungs hurt so much."
"These memories hurt so much."

I miss things I can't explain, like college football or Clockstoppers.

Life is Repeating

I played guitar for an hour and a half. I missed it so much.
I sneaked out of the house last night at midnight and biked to the Darlington Arts Center to relive my memories, partly fulfill my New Year's Resolution, and to collect a sample of the periscope leaf.
I've already heard the things Jimmy is saying. Exactly. I have a record of it in my private blog. When we hang out, I try to avoid sitting in the same positions Dave and I did. I'm creepy and remembering things enables me to act on it.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close keeps making me cry.
I'm such an emo...
Emo is one of the first slang terms that I distinctly remember misusing and learning. Now it's scene.
It's almost summer again.
I'm having trouble falling asleep again.
Those feelings I put away from me are coming back again.

The Weekend

During my Memorial Day Party, Emily U. invited Jeff to her birthday party, which was June 6th from 8 to 12. They had just met, but it looked like it was going to be a fun night, so Jeff said he would consider driving up for it if he had a place to crash because he didn't really want his parents to know he came up just for that. Finally, June 6th rolls around and I have SATs. I reasoned the shit out of them, but skipped a math problem. :( After that, I took a nap. Jimmy and I had fought that Thursday and we didn't really talk. Justin S. had a grad party from 3 to 8, and I knew it would be awkies, but I knew I was leaving early. Because the internet is exploding at my house, I had to call to get directions. It was very straightforward, almost literally from my house to his. I showed up at 4 and no one was there, including most of his family. Eventually, Abby showed up. We gossiped, played badminton, and had a pretty alright time, considering we were at Justin's awkward grad party. She gave me a ride home before the show in West Chester, because Jeff was still about an hour off. I ate dinner in the downtime. Then, the sunset was so gorgeous and gold, that I climbed on top of the office and listened to music to watch it go down. I started singing Lizzy, and that's when Jeff arrived. He climbed up on the shed with me, and we talked. He thought he could hear the band warming up, but Emily's house is VERY far away for sound to travel. It was because the radio was on in the barn. It was almost dark when we jumped off and headed over to her house. My brother and Shannon were already there. This is the first party we were both legitimately invited by the host. It was weird. The pool was very cold. Kate and I were the first ones to jump in, then quickly into the hot tub. Jack (Emily's little brother) and I had water wars, but had to be careful of not electrocuting the bands. I managed to get Wasiq to commit to going into a pool with me once he finished P-90X. It was a GREAT party. Closer to 11, the remaining cool people, including Emily, went upstairs to her room to talk because of the noise from the bands. It was rather great conversation, and Emily very much enjoyed getting to know Jeff. He didn't make a move on her. She was surprised and delighted. Once a majority of the people were leaving, Emily was required to be downstairs to say goodbye to guests. Luke and Brandon were playing popular hits on guitar. It became a beautiful sing-a-long. I finished a line to Scotty Doesn't Know by myself and then got quiet because nobody else knew the words. Katie played Hallelujah on guitar and we sang along. It was very intimate and wonderful. Jeff and I were hoping to stay later at the request of Emily, but my dad required me home. He asked if that was okay, I said, "No, not really, but I'll abide by your rules." My dad laughed a little. Once Jeff drove me home, he showed me this song and we talked. I got him a sleeping bag; but while we were conscious, we talked on my bed. I really missed him and enjoyed catching up. I think I talked the most, but it felt really good to finally say what I've been meaning to. I'm not used to not saying everything I feel like. We woke up at 20 of 10 because we wanted to go out for breakfast and I had graduation at 11:45. Coffee Station. He had french toast, pancakes, and chocolate milk. I had pancakes. I think I'm going to make chocolate milk now.

"Bad" Things I Have Done Recently

1. Made fun of Hannah
2. Bought pot from my brother
3. Pretended I sent my articles to Lauren. S
4. Lied to Trisha in saying I was completely done our project
5. Wanted to renege my commitment to try to fall in love with Jimmy
6. Became mildly jealous of Gabby I.
7. Cried a single emo tear during UP
8. Had a boy sleep over my house (!) (It was just Jeff)
9. Trash talked Nick
10. Talked all through graduation
11. Called Amanda E. a fat heifer
12. As well, called Jordan L. a cunt
13. Stared at Dave when he played guitar
14. Wondered, "Will I ever have such a lovely, impromptu jam session with such wonderful people again?"
15. Had a boy in my bed from roughly 1 to 3 AM (!) (It was just Jeff again. We talked.)
16. (Sexually) Harassed Wasiq
17. Told Racist Jokes
18. Pretended my phone was on silent to avoid a call
19. Stayed out past curfew
20. Ate dinosaur gummies in the SAT testing room.
21. Spoke about the SAT questions

Feeling Things

Jimmy and I had a "fight" this morning from around midnight to 3AM. I was very sad, then grumpy and angry and resentful. I rode his bus in the morning and I'm mostly better now, but I can still feel the effects of the fight in our texts. He's sad I won't fall in love with him. It all makes me sad. I am cold and sleepy and I dislike my mom's "new house." It's one room we actually have things of our own in. I'm usually outside, but it's raining.

P90X with Wasiq in Strength and Conditioning is awesome. There were 8 kids doing the work out today in gym. My abs hurt so much and I'm totally jacked for a girl (but I knew that).

I completely and totally apologize to Abby for not being a friend the last few months. I missed her.

Matt and I are going to see UP tomorrow. I missed him too, but differently.

Other things make me very sad recently. I used to not be so emotional. I miss that.

[edit: I got my ear pierced yesterday and I texted Dave two days ago and I asked him to hang out with me one time over the summer and he said, "well of course I can't just say no..." and I felt much better because I do want his friendship back, but this was mostly an exercise in getting closure. That's what I wanted to dare myself to do. I wasn't as scared about getting him to sign my yearbook because of it.]

Thoughts

Have you ever been so close to a bird you saw it swallow? Because I have. Twice.

Why was I never given the experience of a pogo stick as a child?

"Best friends" describes two people, and so does a couple, but why is couple singular and best friends plural? I think it enhances "oneness."

We won't have to worry about the walnuts anymore.

There are things I could dare myself to do and not regret. But I won't, because if I did, there wouldn't be a safety net of "but she dared me."

If I were to lie out with you, I would say, "I can't see the forest." And maybe you would say, "That's because there aren't any trees here, Chloe." And then we would plant a tree together.

I don't know why humans got embarrassed about singing. If whales were embarrassed about their singing voices, they wouldn't be able to reproduce. It should be the same way with humans.

I still want to scream obscenities and yell about every wrong that has ever been perpetrated against me and shake my fists at you in the hallways just to get the anger out. I wouldn't mean it, of course. It's not really you I'm yelling at. I don't think it ever is.

The skeletons in my closet have gotten out and donned party hats to parade about my yard as entertaining stories.

Yes, "participation trophies" devalue awards earned by merit.

If I sent a letter to everyone I loved, I think only two or three of them would have expected what I wrote. I might try this. There is something romantic about letter writing and Polaroid cameras.

"There's a bright flash. Brighter than the sun. Brighter than anything you've ever seen." I imagine it's like the opposite of complete darkness, but with white instead of black.

"Again." But maybe not many more times if I have my way.

I accidentally cleared the play count on Soco Amaretto Lime on Wish You Were Here. They were 50something and 83 plays each respectively.

A Softer World is coming to Philly on Tuesday at the anarchist book store I job shadowed. I want to go back.

I told my mom that "I felt like such a hipster," with my laptop, books, Chuck Taylors, and veggie burgers. She thought that meant yuppie.

I'm at a loss what to write that will be meaningful and truthful, but it doesn't matter. There is no surface to write on.

Tremble like a child, or maybe a flower, makes it seems like it's not okay to tremble like yourself, or like a frightened young adult.

'I' messages

I feel hurt and betrayed when I misunderstand an agreement and fulfill my half, and am not compensated in the way that I believed to be the original intent.

I feel disappointed and cold when I shy away or cannot think of anything to say.

I am elated and pleased when I am confronted by humor and intelligence many times a day.

I am cynical when I am compared to a standard that was not set by me.

"he knows that breaking into a cemetery and making love under the stars will make for a more memorable moment than watching TV ever could."

I want to make reference to everything I learned this weekend, but there is so much I did and so much I learned.

"Whatever a man prays for, he prays for a miracle. Every prayer reduces itself to this: Great God, grant that twice two be not four."

I'm doing it. I'm going to try for art.

"In the real world, you must wear shoes."

The future feels very near, as if the summer sun will set and rise in autumn again in an instant and my memories won't stick. This summer will never match my perfect summer, but goddamn will I try. Strangely, in looking to the future, it is juxtaposed with the past. Last year I discovered freedom of movement. I can bike or walk anywhere I want. There are planes, trains, and automobiles for everything else. Unfortunately, I never have a destination. It's all for the point of walking. Maybe I'll branch out. As graduation draws ever closer and I'm scared that my grip on Molly is loosening and I will lose her. I know that won't happen, but it's still an anxiety that creeps upon me in the mornings when I am with Jimmy and not talking to her. He wrote me a letter more touching and absolutely heart wrenching than anything ever said about me. Reading it makes me tear up. I simultaneously feel like a good and wicked person. I wrote a reply love poem to Kevin V. in English class, but of course, he wasn't my inspiration. However, he is writing a response to my reply. The school year drawing to a close forces me to look at my preparations for college and lack thereof. My first SATs are in June, I have no SAT IIs yet, and my only As this semester are in gym. The rest are Cs, not even Bs. Hopefully my AP scores will validate me, but I think that all I can hope for are 4s. I didn't get into AP Calc, so I'm taking Topics and art classes. Right now it looks like I won't be in the same classes as the people I've shared classrooms with for 4 years. Maybe bungling my schedule around will manage to get me into the right courses, but somehow I doubt it. My mind has been preoccupied with personal matters and I've been crying a lot. I tear up so easily in this new year. I want to be colder. I miss logic so much. In contrast, I miss art even more.

If the real world requires me to wear shoes, I hope I never wake up from this adolescent dream.

I haven't bear wrestled since August 3rd, the morning everyone + Calculus went to West Chester Diner for breakfast. I missed it.

I remember stupid everything.

e. e. cummings was quoted on itsonlythewind twice today, and it was beautiful, so I look him up on Wikiquote.

Pictures of Walls is my new favorite "hipster" website. I miss graffiti.

I'm going to have a birthday party I have decided.

Next Friday, a good deal of time before prom, I am going to bike to Chartwell to bother the Day twins on their birthday and chill with Kevin V.

His poem was beautiful up until the point where we had to share.

Today is Jimmy and my three month anniversary.

For whom does the bell toll? It tolls for anyone who cares to know the hour. Also, it's only a recording of a bell.

Today was gorgeous.

Strange Things in My Room

Half a baby doll from The Dresden Dolls concert
Water from The Fountain of Youth
USSR Veteran's pin that says "BETEPAH"
Flowers that I've dried
Dancing Lederhosen
Edgar Allen Poe action figure
Jars of dirt
Electric mandolin
Bug vacuum
"Chicken Chucker"
Hedgehog made out of corn husks
Fuzzy diary
M&Ms de Espana
The broken innards of a music box
Train whistle
Record player and albums
Ready made tie-dye bottles
Bag of Alconox with pink ribbon
Untouched neon green shoe laces
Bills from 4 countries, but not the US...

Time Trumpet

BBC has great programming and damn the British for being clever.

[Tony Blair]

Recent, Trivial Observations

My sexy, red prom dress doesn't have a color swatch with it. I noticed on Wednesday, but didn't think it was very important until I learned I am helping with tux shopping.

While I have never followed a strict schedule of biking, walking, participating in gym class, eating healthy(ish)/my vitamins, and drinking lots of water, my loose enjoyment of those things makes the dress incredible on me.

Something that irritates me, though I know it's easier, is to call junior prom simply "prom."

To my great relief, it is very difficult to overcook KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese so long as there is still water in the pot.

Record players look waaaaaay more badass when surrounded by posters of bands that released on vinyl. Also, they're more BA than CD players.

Hannah reminds me of me from freshman year, but only in one, unfortunate regard.

Sarah and I haven't been in best regards recently, so it's killing me that I can't do anything to make her feel better.

I sent my email to the Smothers Brothers' publicist to hopefully convey my request for an interview, and I have no idea how to write a formal letter without sounding incredible pretentious.

Jeff is home!

Stockholm Syndrome

Today I biked to Emily's house for girl talk, and by definition, we talked about boobs, boys, and related activities. Talking to Emily, I wish I had more of a history. Her little brother, Jack, is really cute.

"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious."
-Oscar Wilde

"I know not with which weapons world war 3 will be fought. But world war 4 will be fought with sticks and stones" - Albert Einstein

The only thing more frightening than nuclear apocalypse is the possibility of a zombie apocalypse following it.

Brick Stairs, Mornings, and Birds

In elementary school, before I left in the mornings, my dad and I would sit outside the kitchen on the brick stairway, whisper, and throw bread to the birds. Eventually, the sparrows became rather emboldened and would venture as far as the bottom step in search of yummies. My house faces W-NW, and because of this, the sun rises on the opposite side of the stairway, casting shadows over these encounters. Ambient lighting provided for a high degree of visibility, but not much brightness. In 6th grade, I came to a new school with new, significantly earlier time to get up in the morning and my dad and I wouldn't sit out on the stairs anymore. The birds don't come around so much anymore.

I miss reading

"if they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers."
-Gravity's Rainbow- Jeff

"i'll be there...with my uh...'pen'. Haha."
-Wasiq

My mom is being evicted.

Wildwood Weekend '09

Wildwood was fun catching up with Jeff.
The Borgata is really pretty.
I think I'll do robotics if I get accepted.
Pancakes are yummy.

Addressing something that happened while I was away: He smells bad. Don't do that again. It's embarrassing.

I'm such a survey whore, but don't want it to be public

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Yes, and I will.

Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?

Taken, confused, and perhaps the tiniest bit heartbroken.

What if I told you that you were pretty?
Grin, shy away, and maybe giggle a little.

Ever been told "it’s not you, it's me"?
Essentially, yes.

Are you interested in anyone right now?
Yes, at this very second!

What are you looking forward to in the next week?
AP Exams, Wildwood

Do you want to be single?
I think so.

Do you like to take walks?
Haha, indeedily do.

Did you go out or stay in last night?
I went out for most of the afternoon, but had to come home before 7.

How late did you stay up last night?
3 AM

Excited for anything?
Wildwood, prom, the end of AP Exams

Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
Yes. Jimmy was in Hawaii and called me and I realized.

Last three things you had to drink?
Milk, water, water

Have you pretended to like someone?
Hahaha, oh my sweet, sweet Wasiq.

Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yep, but I didn't initiate it, and not to a boy.

Where was your profile picture taken?
Longwood Gardens, bitches.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
I didn't think that it would be, but I have discovered that it is.

Think back five months ago, were you single?
I had a hookup, but yes.

What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Playing Ultimate and getting the sickest turf burns ever for the best dive in the history of dives to score.

Hold hands with anyone this week?
With my dear Jimmy.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
No. I physically could, but I don't want to die without trying it once.

What would you name your future son?
John, Jack, or Wasiq Jr.

Do you miss anyone?
Abby, Dave, my mom, my uncles, Kristin, Katy, Laura

Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
No, but it's one of my things to do before I graduate college.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Ew, yes. Blaaaaagh.

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
Closed.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
I probably could, but I've never had a reason to. If I feel something, I've told someone about it.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Haha, yeah, my brother can be quite the dick.

Who did you last see in person?
Mi hermano.

Are you listening to music right now?
Hahahaha. Yes, Kamelot, thanks to Wasiq.

What is something you currently want right now?
To find a tree to climb!

What is the last thing you said out loud?
"I never know where I'm going."

How is your heart lately?
Healthy, beating, blue/reddish, confused

Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
Nope!

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
Not yet.

Are you wearing socks?
Super awesome pink and black stripey ones!

What do the majority of people in your life call you?
Chloe, awesome

What's on your mind right now?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT OVER THE BARN THAT I NOTICED JUST THIS INSTANCE HOLY HELL I THINK IT'S A CRANE.

Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Well, I should be for AP Exams, but I don't get stressed out too much.

Who did you last share a bed with?
The last people I last shared a bed with was Jimmy, Schade, and Wizpig.

Did you do something bad today?
Mwahaha. Almost incited an anarchist riot in Career Development. Ms. Wessman laughed.

When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Roughly 40 minutes ago.

Do you get stressed out easily?
Hahaha, I'm so chill.

How old is the oldest person on your top friends?
Top friends is a petty tool for fighting.

Will you sing today?
I did and will.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but couldn't?
Yeah, which is why I used to pride myself on my honesty because I never had this problem before.

Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
Jeff, Viv

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
No, but I hope to eventually for nothing serious.

What are you listening to right now?
The Pendulous Fall from Ghost Opera by Kamelot

What is wrong with you right now?
I have skinned knees and a confusing situation, but other than that I'm gosh darned well.

What is on your wrists right now?
My drumline bracelet, a hair tie, and my prom invitation bracelet from Jimmy

Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you're wearing?
My mom got it for me down the boardwalk two years ago. It has Jimi Hendrix on it.

What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
Both are equally incredible.

Do you make wishes at 11:11?
No, I've wasted too much magic in wishing for the reasonable, so I decided that either something is impossible or I will make it happen.

Are you a good artist?
Yes.

Love really is a beautiful thing, huh?
Gorgeous. Wouldn't trade it for the world.

Do you miss the way things were 3 or 4 months ago?
Nope, things are soooo good for me now and my brother would've just gotten out of the hospital.

Ever been on a golf cart?
Ridin' dirty

Do you have trust issues?.
I don't trust very easily, but I got over it for the important stuff and it's not an "issue" that has affected me since.

Ever stayed up all night on the phone?
Yes. Also, does Skype count?

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Socks, rainbow suspenders, buttons, thigh high stockings, a garter belt, and shirts.

Do you use chap stick?
Not frequently, but yes.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
Never with force enough to make it count, but very gentle taps, yes.

Do you sleep with the TV on?
Nope.

Do you have a little sister?
Nope.

Have you ever been to New York?
So much fun. My love of the Phantom in 7th. Throwing a pretzel at my brother and having him attacked by pigeons. The birthday party hogging the pirate ship freshman year. Bubba Gump Shrimp and Louis in sophomore. "Again."

Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Absolutely.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Learning to play Going to California on electric mandolin.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Myself! :D

Were your last three kisses from the same person?
No. UGH! GROSS!

Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
I'm workin' on it.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Alone. Bitches take up space and blankets and stink and I look terrible when I sleep. However, naps are exceptions.

"meglio esserci lasiati che non esserci mai incontrati"

Two good things happened today. But when I got home, nothing was changed.

There's a hipster website with quotes and pictures that I like, but there are a lot of pictures of hip guys smoking and skateboarding and wearing plaid and taking photographs. I'm scared I'll see Dave.

"If somebody yells out, 'Hey! Stop, drop, and roll!' Say, 'That might save my skin, but it won't save my soul.'"

I finally got to hear Tarkio, rather than read the Wikipedia article, and I like it as much as The Decemberists.

[Sister Nebraska][Weight of the World]

I used to pride myself on being honest and saying what I thought to the people it mattered to.

My guitar needs new strings.

Good Arms vs. Bad Arms is in my Top 50 Most Played as of late...

The only 2 songs that deserve to be in my Top 10 Played are Farmhouse and Going to California.

For the first time of the New Year, I accidentally made it to Wednesday without reading the Sunday Secrets. They made me sad.

I'm relying on the summer to do complete all of my resolutions. Except for one. I think I'm putting too much effort into one time rather than continually self improving.

If I talk behind someone's back, and they ask to know what I was saying, I will tell them (not who I was talking with). I wonder what is possible to be said about me behind my back.

Jimmy, talking behind people's backs: "Matt is AWESOME." "Trisha is awesome." "I did not ask to see that of Katie Fain."

On Morse Code's birthday I took a screen shot of the search bar on Google. I hope Dave thought of me too. I need to get over him.

I kinda want a motorcycle license. Also a gun license. Not to mention SCUBA, hot air balloon, pilot, HAM radio, and driver's.

I used to think that boys who broke up with girls for not putting out were cruel.

I know who I want to take me home.

Today, I sat down until the sun went down and the moon came out. I was wearing jeans and a t shirt and the warm wind is beckoning of summer. It's too soon. I don't want there to be another summer to replace my last one.

Today

I woke up at one or so and did odd jobs about the house, mostly jobs related to the internet. Jimmy was hanging out with Josh and my dad was doing more productive odd jobs about the house, so I assumed I was out of a ride wherever I felt like going. However, it was positively the most beautiful day of the year so far, and a walk would be absolutely gorgeous. My original intent was to bring my sketch pad and a Sharpie, but I settled on a camera, a Sharpie, and a goal to take pictures of memories, minus the people. I went up Kirk, got pictures of BYC and the specific picnic table. A right on Smithbridge to Build a Dream where I got the other picnic table as well as the quotes Molly, Stasi, and I left there. I wanted to get a picture of Dave's driveway, which was where we had our first kiss where something felt really different. My mom interrupted it, of course, but it was still really nice. I decided that it was about dinner time, and if his family was eating there, it would be beyond creepy to see me taking pictures of their house. Jeff's lawn has plenty of memories though, which is where I was headed when I ran into Dan walking Diesel. We chatted it up in the road, his parents were at Pitt, and we decided to hang out for a little while. The conversation was great and Mr. Graney sounds like a really awesome person. He offered me Kool-Aid, an apple, and some other stuff, and eventually we walked to Wawa, talking. I didn't get a picture of Jeff's lawn. At Wawa, we saw Regis where Dan got a lead on a potential job opening. Dan got green tea and M&Ms (for me) with the money his parents left him, and we walked back to his house. I learned a short cut through Sweet Hollow because my dad called, as it was nearing sunset. We hugged our goodbyes and I jog/walked to Garnet Mine where my dad picked me up. He was a little mad, but I wasn't drunk, high, or fucked, so I assume everything's fine.

TIA Chapter 3 Championships

"Chloe, the alarm is late."
Shower
Dress
Text Meg that I'll be late
Drive
Tell my mom I don't want to walk with her because I don't like walking with her
Ride in silence
Get into the other car
Get lost
Laugh
Listen to music
Dance like a scene kid
Laugh
Spot Tom Jones
Arrive
Get out
Say, "Thank you, sir."
Sit down
Get water
Order the blue ribbon special
Sit
Have Molly make fun of me
Put my hand in her face
Have her swat away my hand
Hold her hand
Talk
Eat
Eat other people's food
Bathroom
Return
Picture
Pay bill
"GV does not dine and dash."
Leave
Ride
Arrive
Stand
Explain why I'm wearing high heels
"I don't actually live at my mom's."
Practice
Being mean to Molly
Being forgiven
Apologizing
Practicing
Group talk
Saying there are, in fact, M&Ms
Moving
Being very warm
Watching boys play hackysack
Loading
Sitting
Eating
Talking
Eating
Talking
Moving
Riding
Talking
Listening
Changing
Unloading
Laughing
Moving
Practicing
Being ungodly warm
Sitting and drinking water in the shade
Practicing
Looking for a 4 Leaf Clover
Practicing
Looking for a 4 Leaf Clover
Practicing
Looking for a 4 Leaf Clover and drinking
Moving
Waiting
Talking to Kacey
Talking to Tom
Talking to Barathi
Talking
Changing
Moving
Fixing the resonators
Whispering
Moving
Performing
[Acting, Playing]
Moving off
Standing around
Crying a little
Moving
Loading
Laughing
Sitting with Rose
Talking
Having fun with Joey and Barathi and Rose
Sitting
Bodies on the Floor
Loading
Changing
Laughing
Group talk
Laughing
Finding the courtyard with Rose
Sitting
Talking
Boomerang and Frisbee in the courtyard
Great fun
Diving for the frisbee
Finding a three clover made of confetti
Laughing
Frisbee
Trying to climb the tree
Molesty hands
Trying to make the frisbee go through the boomerang
Double high-fiving Alex
Rejoicing on the hill
Finding a 4 Leaf Clover
Cursing incredibly loud
Being terribly embarrassed because of the toddler in the courtyard
Trying to get a band-aid for Barathi
Breaking into the bus
Getting band-aid
Coming back
She already had a band-aid
Frisbee
Boomerang
Tom trying to make the boomerang come back around
Going inside to watch Chichester's guard
Watching GV's guard
Wishing I could dance
Talking to Christian, Joey, Rose, and Barathi in the cafeteria
Being crude
Getting stared at
Talking to Christian, Joey, and Rose in the cafeteria
Talking to Christian, Joey, Rose, and Alex in the cafeteria
Talking to Christian, Joey, Rose, Alex, and Stasi in the cafeteria
Talking to Christian, Joey, Rose, Alex, Stasi, and Hetty in the cafeteria
Laughing the whole time
Going back to the bus
Changing
Standing outside the bus
Making salacious talk with Stasi
Going inside
Watching the good guard
Making hilarious faces (according to Ms. Turso)
Screaming for the boy with the dolphin tattoo over his bellybutton
Laughing and being scared with Rose, Joey, and Christian
Leaving for the A Gym
Standing outside
Rejoining the group
Standing outside
Getting in line
Clapping and stomping to "We Will Rock You"
Talking to Stasi
Counting off for the boys doing pull ups
Leaving the room
Head bobbing
Dancing a little
Standing
Being disappointed
Standing
Cheering
Leaving
Bathroom
Leaving
Bus
Changing
Being disappointed
Phone call
Sharing our favorite memories
Making new ones
Losing pididdle
Having crazy awesome fun
Changing
Getting off the bus
Unloading
Leaving

I keep looking at a prom dress I can't have.
:P

50 Lil' Secrets I Stole from Facebook

50 Little Secrets

Who was your last text from?
James Matthew Avestruz

Where was your default picture taken?
Perhaps the most epic picture in the noble union of land pirates and cameras, my default picture was taken by my BFF, Matt, at Longwood Gardens.

Your relationship status?
I am the girlfriend of my boyfriend, James Matthew Avestruz. However, when listening to "Put a Ring On It," I put "mah hands up." On May 3rd, I will celebrating my 1 Year Anniversary with my beloved secret lover, Gina. Also, I may or may not be the mistress of Molly Diggory.

Where did you meet your boyfriend?
The band room? Dear goodness. That's foul.

Have you ever lost a close friend?
Ah, many times, but my life is blessed with beautiful, transient people who make their time with me a gorgeous adventure.

What is your current mood?
Light and giddy!

What's your brother's name(s)?
John Joesph Hendriekez Glynn

Sister's name(s)?
Miss Carriage

Where do you wish you were right now?
I wish, that right now, I was stargazing in Death Valley, California.

Have a crazy side?
No, I'm fairly one sided crazy.

Ever had a near death experience?
Not very close, though I've been scared.

Something you do a lot?
Say "quite" or "rather." Move around unnecessarily. Talk. Sing. Blink. Smile. Laugh.

Angry at anyone?
It's a strange sort of angry where there was no quantifiable wrong done against me, and therefore nothing to forgive or apologize for, but I'm still angry.

What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
Because I already went for them and they liked me back, so now I have them!

When was the last time you cried and why?
Last Saturday, I was absolutely wrecked with exhaustion, drumline had just taken first place. I realized that the organization holds no personal satisfaction and I won't care incredibly about the people in it next year. It was hard to feel close to Jimmy and it became so obvious that I'd temporarily lost my best friends and everyone I'd connected with and those I hadn't were going to leave and I wanted to get out of here so badly.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
There are people I would commit murder for, there are definitely more people I would go to jail for. There are people who I would do anything within reason for. There are people who I would do anything they could possibly request of me for. There is no one I would do anything for, simply because I am unable to.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
Jimmy, friends, my mom, contentment, restlessness, getting out of here, word play, the posters over my bed, what I can physically feel at that instant, stuff I have to do, obligations, the past, beautiful, beautiful memories of last summer

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jimmy, though my dad was the last person to call me... oops.

What is your favorite song?
All time favorite song: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd for 3 reasons
Next Top 2: You Can't Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones for 3 reasons
Going to California by Led Zeppelin for 2 reasons

What are you doing right now?
Fillin' out this, thinkin' 'bout what to draw, listen' to Australia.

Do you trust anyone right now?
I trust almost everyone, but for some it's that I have trust in their consistency not necessarily their loyalty to me.

Where did you get the shirt your wearing?
Viv gave it to me! :D

Have you hugged someone in the past week?
DUH!

Describe your life in two words?
Restless/Content

Who are you thinking about at the moment?
Jimmy!

What should you be doing right now?
Talking to Jimmy, but his wireless died. I should actually be looking for a coffin for it.

What are you listening to right now?
Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson from the JUNO Soundtrack (it changed since the other question about this)

Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
Jimmy! :D

Who was the last person who yelled at you?
Mr. Longo (?)

What is your natural hair color?
Blonde with highlights, the shade depends on the season

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Jimmy :]

Who was the last person to make you mad?
Myself, for not saying the "the" in pantheism. It was terrible, but I was worked up. :P

What animals do you have?
A doggy, a kitty, and a barn cat

Is your hair curly or straight?
Straight like an arrow that's been molded over someone's curvy head.

Hugged the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
Every day at least twice a day!

Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
Yes, but they do not quite convey the emotion of real faces.

Plans for the week?
Tomorrow: HiQ banquet
Friday: Pennsylvania State Academic Bowl
Saturday: TIA Chapter 3 Championship Competition
Sunday: Hangin' out with Jimmy

Are you happy with life right now?
Happy is not quite strong enough a word for it.

Are you currently jealous?
Of course, but it's nothing that bothers me as my life is SO FREAKING AWESOME.

What were you doing Friday night?
Sleeping and talking to Jimmy!

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yes. "Broken hearts hurt, but they make you strong."

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Nope.

Is there anybody you're really disappointed with?
Not really disappointed with, but there are some things I should address.

Last person you saw?
My papa.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
I fell asleep at 8:30ish because Jimmy was video editing and I had nothing better to do, then I woke up around 11:30 and we talked until 12:30ish.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
No, thank goodness!

I wish I was leaving with Stasi, or instead of her.

miniTHON

Dance. Dance.

First we "learned" the miniTHON line dance. Unfortunately, there weren't enough repetitions for us to really get a handle. The first time they organized it without Morgan leading the demonstration we could barely get past the first steps. The dancing was free form from then on, with the best songs being played while the playlist was fresh and the public was there. The Battle of the Beanfield, my group, (named hastily when it was on the list of "awesome things from Wikipedia" I was carrying around with me) danced quite enthusiastically, receiving recognition from teachers in the form of "tickets." These tickets, along with donations from the public or group members, decided who would "win" at the end of the night. Some serious air guitaring on my part led to a small shout out from Nick L. and another point for us. The first activity required all of the dancers to line up by birthday to divide them into random groups. My randomly chosen team took third in the first round of relays, moving on to the finals, and first overall. At some point we got back to our original members, and they forced us to "caterpillar." This requires the first person in line to put their ankles on the second's shoulders while kneeling and so on and so forth down the line. It was a terrible set up that had no research put into it as no group could finish. Back to dancing! Pizza at eleven was good. Jimmy and Josh realized that my group member, Margo, didn't know when they were joking. Margo and I played ping pong. Our ball went behind the bleachers. I found a cockroach. Rachel and I played badminton. We kicked butt and got tickets for enthusiasm. I got destroyed by Molly Cannon in ice cream tasting. Automm and I couldn't hear the music in DDR, so we both failed. However, we both rocked through the fire and flames on Guitar Hero. I sang Float On with Steve and ...someone else? We were the only group who very enthusiastically danced for the live band, Leaving Cash. They also gave us a bit of a shout out. TECHNOMANIA!! (didn't go so well because the techno sucked...) Right after a straight half hour of bouncing to computer generated beats, we began our "aerobic activity." A woman came up on stage to instruct us on "zoomba." Zoomba is a type of dance fitness with very sexy hip moving that has more the atmosphere of a party than instructional activity. It's following the instructor to the beat of the Latin hip hop while trying not to collapse. That went on for 45 minutes to my surprise. I was exhausted for the lack of break after techno. However, if it didn't cost money, that would be a great work out. One of the goals of the evening was to not sit down. Jimmy and I held hands when I gave in. Absence is the only way to appreciate something and I certainly take sitting for granted. Our team won the scavenger hunt, but everyone was disqualified for reasons we couldn't quite figure out. They still gave us tickets. Kerri was very badass with her sunglasses. Indoors. At night. Josh borrowed them pretending to be someone else in a quest for a second serving of ice cream. After the poorly organized dodgeball tournament around 3 or 4, it deteriorated into a loosely unenthusiastic milling about of people. Jimmy and Josh flashed the bat-signal in people's eyes. 5-6AM was fairly miserable. We were all sleepy, sore, and irritable. I danced from 6-6:30, the last of the night. Celebrating the end was magical. We sat as a group, listening to Nick say his whatevers. We raised $17,600 or so. Because we got out so early I got a ride home from Josh, who was also delivering Jimmy to his place of residence. The final word of the evening, Josh said, "and tomorrow we will all wake up and the world will still be the same."

Unrelated: I really like this music video.

Boscov's Deluxe Assorted Chocolates by Asher's

At every holiday that requires a gathering of family, my grandmom gets 2 lbs. of assorted chocolates from Boscov's. I doubt that she actually goes out for the purchase, but it is at her tribute. When I was little, only my pop-pop seemed to eat them as I would never risk the disaster of coconut and they're not very high quality chocolates. Now I have it down to a fine science, picking out the chocolates I want. My brother only has it narrowed down to two on figuring out which one is caramel. But Uncle Mike has it perfect, and often beats him to it.

Why is my brother so fucking awesome?! There's so much water around my room...

A Softer World

Abby: this is almost the last meaningful thing I said to you
Barathi: or convert it to Barathi(s), but there's only one
Chloe: if only I escape
Dad: Why do I feel like he's trapped?
Dave: I don't think it's true, but still reminds me of him
Emily: this or this
Erik: why do I feel like you've said this before?
Gina: you are my far off star
Hetty: I don't know what "preternaturally" means, but assume it's good
Jeff: nerds and cats
Jeremy: haha, dick
Jimmy: I've ruined your philosophy
Joe: you were always kinda average
Joey: you always play to win
Kacey: she's not really that diabolical
Katie: this because of this
Lexie: because she's really okay
Matt: BFFs!
Meg: and Joe are super cute
Molly: singing and planning
Mom: *sigh*
Nicki: I like you better without a boyfriend :(
Rose: because you're so badass
Sarah: Do angels have princesses?
Stasi: change
Steve G.: I <3 Government
Tom: I can't imagine him making sandwiches though
Trisha: you are exciting and independent
Viv: this and that
Wasiq: if only

Others:
noun
pronoun
verb
adverb
adjective
conjunction
interjection
preposition
letters
word
sentences
paragraphs
something written

I think I'm going to run away in the summer. No where far I guess, maybe just to the shore. I don't know if I'll be able to drive by then. Is it ironic if I get a job so I can save up to leave?

Discovery

I like this website a lot

It is 1:14 on Sunday, April 5th, and I have to be Yossarian again.

Awesome Wikipedia Articles

Godwin's Law
Appeal to ridicule
Glittering Generality

walls, roof, stuff, me = my room

I can't imagine having any other room other than my own. I see myself going to college, living in a dorm, moving out, having a real house and life, etc... but I imagine that this room with always be here for me, when it won't.

...yeah... so in two more weeks I'll be done with this giving up meat for Lent thing, but that means I've gotten through a good twenty six days or so. However, going vegetarian changes the way you feel, and, well, smell (the strongest trigger of memory)...

The Onion

Frank Miller and DC Comics announced that they would be publishing a graphic novel in which Batman hunts down Osama bin Laden. What do you think?

"Did Katrina teach us nothing? We need Batman here, at home."


On the fifth anniversary this month, CNN.com will be streaming footage all day of the network's televised coverage from Sept. 11th, 2001, enabling viewers to relive it as events unfolded. What do you think?

"September what?"

"Considering I was in a coma at the time, this will certainly help me fully assimilate to the scarred, paranoid society into which I awoke.

"I doubt many people will watch. During that time, FoxNews.com will be airing Pirates of the Caribbean."

xkcd #561

There is a big difference between writing something down and speaking it aloud. Usually I consider something written the less emotionally powerful of the media, but it's more permanent and final. I dunno, just thinking. To deny something verbally is more impressive than on paper.

I love re-reading Catch-22

" What could you do with a man who looked you squarely in the eye and said he would rather die than be killed in combat, a man who was at least as mature and intelligent as you were and who you had to pretend was not? What could you say to him?"

This is my 3rd reading of Catch-22. It's better than the second, which was tremendous compared to the first, which was beyond anything I had read until that point, but it's not helping with what I need it to.

It felt stupidly romantic to run hand in hand in the rain after watching a PG, stop-motion animated film together.

Best Drumline Ever

There is a particular note I did not realize was a double stop. It was easy to fix, but in the process, Katie called me, "special." Molly laughed, but said that it was because of how adorable I looked when I fixed it. I don't believe it, and she's just jealous that I'm special and Katie didn't outright call her special, even though she's special too.

Later!

The point in Exlposive where we have the jacket switch, Molly and I are crouching behind our instruments. I decided to make a funny face at her. Apparently, when I had my mallets set and crazy face on, I looked like some little thing ready to eat dinner, utensils in hand. She stood up to play, and collapsed in laughter over her instrument. I, in turn, began laughing until I had tears in my eyes. Both of us missed that rep. Then, Katie told us how we had to appreciate these moments because after college they don't happen anymore.

The last few measure of Exlposive are super extreme and a lot faster than originally practiced at. We managed the technical aspect, but it led to a LOT of potential/hilarious visuals. Tom was acting them out for all of us. To rehydrate myself, there was a bottle of water encased within my mallet bag. Convenient! I stopped a second to take a refreshing drink, just as Tom performed the "instrument switch rainbow" and I burst out laughing, spilling water all over my xylophone. I used my cover up to mop up the droplets, but nicked my arm in the process. Fiberglass splinters!

There was a really extreme action, where on beat 3 we brought up our left mallet. Beat 4, our right mallet. Beat 1, snap to attention and play. Overall, hilarious. The last beast, we tried various assortments of "shooting stars," "rainbows," and "excited jumps."

Upon being dismissed, I pulled ahead of Rose in a nasty bit of trickery to get to the doors and out of the gym before her. However, I did stop to help her out. Then, we raced back to the band room! I took the straight line between the booths; she navigated between the glass cases. I won, but was much out of breath.

Molly and I skipped a lot.

Drumline Freshmen + People

I don't dislike the drumline freshmen, but I'm not too entirely attached to them. They're not exceptional. Hannah reminds me of me, because of the situation, and that makes me sad for her. Devon is wonderful and adorable, but I haven't gotten to talk to her. Mel, she's sweet and quiet. Kate, fluttery and cute and bubbly, but I'm not sure how much more there is and she plays the bus games. Joey doesn't count, because I've known him from before. We watched a documentary entitled "American Pimp" together. That's like family.

These freshmen made me so happy on Saturday. I laughed and laughed and and laughed, and was proud of them for growing up/having personalities.

Rose is awesome. She doesn't talk a lot, but I love it when she does. She's my favorite. Mike is close, but I don't see him as much.

Speaking of Rose, I'm pretty sure he's going to get with Kira if he hasn't already, and I think I'm okay with that. I do miss him, but even in school, he doesn't seem as funny. Jimmy has been telling me about the crazy relationships that group goes through, and I've decided that the relationship chart can't function anymore with them included.

Every time Abby posts a "Look at how hot I am" picture, I laugh and laugh and feel a little bit vindictive, but she posted it. I know it's mean of me, but a.) Dave is P.J. O'Rourke for teenage satire b.) it's Will, that's creepy and he actually means it

I <3 the internet. There's a whole bunch of stuff I have to show Matt sometime in the future. I talked to Jimmy about it, and he's fine with my bestie. The first time I mentioned Matt, Jimmy said, "Matt is a dork and AWESOME. I'm glad he's in my class." I like talking to people who appreciate Matt.

In an unrelated conversation with Jeff, I related the time when Mrs. Avestruz called me "one of those kids with a weird sense of humor," because Arrested Development is hilarious, quirky humor. I agreed, and, to Jeff, said something along the lines of, "I'm glad my friends have weird senses of humor too, specifically Matt." Jeff responded with, "Matt is the pinnacle of quirky humor, and it's hilarious."

I said "Molly is almost my favorite person ever in the whole entire world," in a conversation with Jimmy. He got sad. I expressed almost. I might have been lying to make Jimmy feel better.

Back when Jimmy was telling me the awful stories about that group of inter-dating kids that was mind blowing, it made me sad to realize what people to do each other. Then we watched this YouTube video, and it made me so happy. It's almost like there's hope for people.

Improv Everywhere is hilarious. I want there to be a course or a club at GV, and to join a troupe in New York or Pitt, or any major city where I spent a significant amount of time.

Someday I'm going to have an "Oh God, my APPLE JUICE!" moment with someone who will confront me. I've been setting up the occasion a lot, people just haven't been around to hear me. There are 5 people that this could potentially happen to in the future. There are a few I would prefer it didn't happen to, but if that's how it goes, whatever.

I can't imagine drumline with an instructor other than Tom. He's so hilarious, and a teensy bit unprofessional at times, but that's the best part of it. It's also only with "kids he knew before," so we're already the cool kids he's talking to. He does keep it respectful though, and it's just silly things, like making fun of the kids in line or being absurd.

Apparently, he and Viv do not speak with frequency. I was saddened to learn that. Literally, every time I went to Viv's house, he was there. He swore we had Tom sensing powers, because he only came to her house a few times. That makes me sad, especially looking to my future.

I miss Viv. I gotta go visit her and spend the night at her dorm and meet her peeps and whatnot. She has exciting stories, and is one of the few girls I talk to online besides Trisha.

On Saturday, I challenged Sarah to pose something in the past that I wouldn't remember. She asked for her birthday, what she got me for my birthday two years ago, her Spanish name in Spanish II freshman year, and a few other things. It made me really happy to remember good times, specifically with her, because that's what I'm missing about them.

I feel like I've been talking to Jeff more frequently than in comparison to some other time, and I'm enjoying it. At the couch warming party at Abby's, when we lit fireworks, Dave, Matt, and Jeff, were standing around the box of colorful, flammable gunpowders, and if my brother had been there, it would have been the important guys in my life all right there. Dave didn't fit in, I recognized it again that night, and I knew it couldn't last.

On the first day of our PSSA half days, I graffiti'd this for Jimmy. It took about an hour because of the laptop touch pad and my relative inexperience with it. It has to be synced with "Falling for the First Time" by Barenaked Ladies, to make any sense. Also, you have to play with the speed button for a while to make the images line up with the lyrics. He makes me so happy and I missed graffiti.

Vegetarian diet +
strength & conditioning +
boyfriend who calls me beautiful =
self worth space elevator to the moon!

I've been missing Trisha, but she's in my English class now and we talk a lot in Bio. If she gets into my group next semester, it's going to be crazy awesome. If not, the class will still be really awesome. ENGLISH RULES! I miss art classes, and this is close enough.

Sick on Sunday

I wish I could give you a hug. That seems to be a recurring theme in the our story. I really care about you, and the mere thought of you makes me feel lo

ved. Your voice is adorably timid, and I'm flattered that you sound sad. I really hope you get better soon. I love being with you, even for the short

amount of time we're able to in school. I hope this makes you at least emotionally better. I look forward to seeing you, whenever that may happen. Always

. Even if being sick is making you look like hell, you'll still be beautiful to me. Rest well.

-Jimmy,
in response to the voicemail I left him, saying that I would be unable to make our date because I was sick and didn't know if I would be in school the next day.

I am so content and full of happiness, for everything.

3-20-09

It was the first day of spring, unbeknownst to me. Definitely used to be the 22nd. And yet, it was a Friday, and Jimmy and Rob were filming after school for the senior video. Drumline required my attendance at 4, and so hanging around and waiting for Jimmy was not inconvenient. Hand in hand, we walked from the glass lined hall to where Rob was sitting at the ticket booth. He questioned when we became an item, and we both jumped to the thought, "Not facebook official." (Though I said it first). Jimmy spent 25 minutes looking for the button to change his status. Before I could help him, and suggest it myself, a call to my beloved, Gina, was in order. I got my perfunctory Rita's water ice, ate some Chinese food, and selected the cellular buttons required (in the proper order) so that I could soon be speaking with the love of my open relationship. She gave her blessing and expressed happiness at my good fortune, and we had a lovely conversation. Wasiq frantically called me a few times to arrange me to pick up the buzzer system. We exchanged "winky smiley face" text messages. Jimmy and I had a fantastic phone call spanning over 80 minutes. I've never had more fun making fun of 9/11.

Blog Purge pt. 2

I looked over my other blog, devoid of quotes, and realized that while I probably wouldn't mind showing individuals a number of the posts there, it's still too personal. It's strange having secrets.

Last Letter

This is the last letter I wrote to Dave. It was hand written, and I did not send it. I wish I had given it to him.

Dear Dave,

The coming weeks will be tough, but eventually thinking about adorable memories won’t be quite so sad, and return to wistful warm and fuzzies. Sadness is only temporary and the cliché “you’re awesome and don’t need him and there will be other guys” lines aren’t really my problems. Of course I’m still awesome and independent, and yes, someday there will be someone else who will love me, I’m just going to miss you like crazy. You made my summer more special than I could have imagined, and autumn followed in a brilliant session. It’s because of you I can look at Kirk and the DAC and BYC and have real memories. Whenever I was with you, I felt so boring in comparison because you have near death stories and all around questionable escapades to speak of. However, because I was with you, I could tell other people interesting stories. Somehow dating “(not) the ninja,” sneaking out at night, being let go by the cops, and having a relationship made almost exclusively in a hammock made me seem like exciting, emotional lottery winner, and I was. You were my manicorn, and will be the man I think of for my iconic high school romance. Plus this summer also included winning a penis lollipop, tubing down the Brandywine on an inflatable, plastic whale, and going skinny-dipping. Things like that help me remember I’m awesome, even without you, though the inspiration helps.

I do not know when or why you stopped loving me, but I also don’t know how it began. In attempts to make me feel better, my friends have sullied your reputation or maybe cleared things up, but it assures beyond doubt you still care about me. Being near you there was warmth and security, and I’ll miss that, but this last decision as a couple was to protect me from further heartbreak. On a bad ending, there was the possibility that the memories that will eventually be happy ones again, would be lost. You made me profoundly happier than I’ve ever been for such a consistently wonderful time, and also gave me the most pleasant* physical feelings of my life. Any second of the wordless hour we spent together may possibly be the most beautiful moment of my life. If I ever show indifference towards you, it’s to keep myself from looking like an idiot in your presence.

Everything about our relationship was worth this heartbreak. I felt really lame because I was trying to love you without fear and comparing it to Yossarian. Nearly everyday I would recognize that someday you would not be there, and I would have to let you go. Time will pass before I can love without thinking about you, before I remember the should have been, but I can wait. I will wish we had more time together, but because of you, I know there is love, and I know that I can be loved, and that somehow, miraculously, I know I am handling this right. I will talk with you, or text sometime soon, but I want to get to a point where I think I could have the conversation without breaking down. I owe it to myself to be able to end things coherently.

You make it hard not to love you.

With love and anarcho-communism,

Chloe

Super Enormous Quote Post

So I was going to post all my quotes here, and did, and it's just too long and awful. It's 19 pages in a single spaced, 10 font, Times New Roman Word Document.

Blog Purge

I have two blogs. This one and my secret one. As of this post here, there are 108 posts in my other blog. It is where I write when I don't want anyone to see, but most of the time the things don't matter too much and the rest are quotes or notes. I'm going to remove many of the posts from there, and condense it to posts here. They will probably be word for word, although not necessarily with the title. The quotes I may make one enormous post. Cool.

Well, I guess this is growing up...

Things are sad in Delaware again.

I hate visiting my mom, because I don't like to see the pain she is in. So often I tear myself apart for my disloyalty. I love her, but I hate so much about what she has become. It takes so much strength for her to get through a day, and she is still the opposite of everything I want to be. Although I don't particularly like 3rd to 9th graders, I'm generally enamored with other children, and will probably be a mother at some point very far in the future. In that respect, raising young children and instilling an appreciation of life, I hope to be like her. In showing her children broken humanity and medical illness, exposing us to the tragedy that comes to good people, I don't want to be for anyone. It's made us good human beings, Jack and I. Maybe not the greatest sense of Christian morals, but we know right from wrong and appreciate the simple things of life. We talk about it sometimes, in little moments of resolve. His escapism is literal escape. He's never home those weekends. It's why I started walking, my short escapes. Whenever I was angry, or frustrated at our terrible condition, I would slam the door and walk for however long it took. Once, after getting furious with Jack, I left at an hour unfit for decent humanity to be wandering the streets. He waited a few minutes and followed me until I started to come home. I didn't tell him I noticed, but when I got back, we weren't fighting anymore. "Come home" isn't very appropriate. Returned to the apartment is more accurate, because my "home" is on a piece of commercial property in Pennsylvania with a tire swing, fruit trees, and dirt basement. The first time I told my mom I was considering going to the University of Hawaii, she told me I wasn't allowed to go far away. My family cannot put a lot of financial support behind furthering my education, except that neither of them graduated college, making me a first generation, and I'll get some decent need based funding. I don't really think they should have any say in where I choose to attend. My mom pointed out that if I went to Hawaii, I wouldn't be able to come home for holidays. In retrospect, I hope I didn't say what I was thinking, because I know that I would have said, "I don't consider your house a home, and my real one will be sold out from over us, demolished, the home I grew up in, and they'll cut down the walnut tree of my love/hate relationship, and I'll never be able to put up a hammock between two trees ever again." (The fact that I have a hammock between two trees is one of the greatest aspects of having a home). If I go to college, and my dad moves, there will not be a home to return to, I will probably be in better financial situation than my mom, and Jack will be busy having his own life with "exciting" people, though I will miss him like crazy. Hating Delaware has always been a selfish thing for me, but now it's because I hate her suffering, and am not inconvenienced by the distance.

Friday the 13th

Jimmy and I watched two discs of arrested development. I was trying to be sneaky and get closer to him, but there were once again too many pillows. Eventually, I abandoned the sneaky and went for the hand holding. He smells wonderful and our afternoon was even better.

Today, I ate mashed potatoes and green beans from tupperware while at my laptop.

On the ride home from drumline on Saturday, Molly and I had a poke fight lasting maybe 3 minutes. During those 3 minutes, everything in my entire world was perfect.

I've always said I'd make the perfect boyfriend because I appreciate girls, know what to say, and would say it. Jimmy does too.

I tried to take my first nap in the hammock of the year, but it was too windy. It doesn't hurt to be there anymore.

Bon Iver- Stacks
Recently, while looking for the songs from the [H]ouse season finale, I read the episode summary on Wikipedia. It made me tear up a little bit. Wilson was so heartbroken.

Another song that I've been listening to recently is Tell Her This by Del Amitri. I don't think the lyrics are supposed to be for new romances, but the sound is appropriate.

Strength and Conditioning has been a great place to think. Walking on the treadmill, I can be in and out of my mind, creating beautiful analogies or simply listening.

Right now, I have set up candles, listening to Stacks, and I am going to get into my bathrobe, and go through bliss.

[edit] I think I will, from this point on, associate "All Along the Watchtower" with Watchmen and Molly.

"she’ mad but she’
magic. there’ no lie in her fire"

"The night kept coming and there was nothing I could do."

Chris

My aunt Karen brought her South African boyfriend home to meet the family for the first time today. He's white, unfortunately. I tried to fall asleep before going over to grandmom's, but it didn't work out very well and mostly rendered me in a state of fuzzy thoughts. This weariness followed me into conversation. I wanted to get away and nap. Grandmom and Aunt Jeanne in the kitchen. "Menfolk" and Aunt Karen in the living room. Jack and Shannon in the freezing basement. Nobody upstairs... I went into the attic, freezing, but curious. From the top stair I could see stacks of books and bags of clothes. Books! Interesting! Well worth the cold. One particularly tattered book was beat up and faded. It was a soldier's handbook. The front sticker still had my Uncle Chris' name and code number on it. Echo #215. I hesitantly picked it up. On the back was poetry. On the inside cover there was poetry. War is not the place for a poet, and his words make that clear. It makes me sad.

:]

He likes me back and we phrase things so peculiarly and it makes me so stupidly happy I forget to say something with ridiculous phrasing.

I feel silly and I like it.

words

the riots
Carson McCullers
congrats, Chinaski
me and Faulkner
having the flu and with nothing else to do
it was just a little while ago
what makes?
three oranges
rhyming poem:
the crunch
what can we do?
a dead romance
dark night poem

Saturday's Adventure Story as Related to Gina

August Coup: Gina, my love
I have something to tell you

samwiserox13: chlooeeeeee

Auto response from August Coup: eatin' food

but Jimmy likes me back
and I'm really happy

!!!! =D

:D

awwwwwww i'm so happy for you! that's awesome

mmhm

hehehehe how did you find out??

we're both reeally awkward
well
I sent him a letter
confessing I was madly in like with him
but I didn't use enough postage
and kept asking him if it got there yet
so then yesterday
I was out walking
and he texted me will I ever know the contents of the lost letter
so I texted back, "It was more artfully presented in the letter, but I am positively madly in like with you."
and then he replied
"That's probably the most adorable phrase I've ever heard, and it's a perfect way to say it. That's good, because I think I'm madly in like with you too. [pirate smiley AIM icon]"

=D

except not a pirate
:D

hahahaha aawwwwwww

and so then I stopped walking
and started floating
and skipping a little

XD
teeheehee

and all was wonderful

awww i'm so happy =D

and we had an awkward hug today
but it was nice
:D

hahaha that's cute =)

I know we just celebrated 3 months in our open relationship, but it'll be one year May 3rd
and Jimmy's okay with us being secret lovers

ahahaha well cool =P
i'm glad we have his approval

though it totally wouldn't matter
:P
[winky/kissy pirate smiley icon goes here]
I love winky kissy pirate smiley

heheheh yeah let me know if you ever need your facebook status back because i will gladly relinquish my my hold on it for your being happy XD

aw
thank you, darling
:)

mmhmmm *huuuuugs*

*Huuuuugs and squee*

heeheehee you get a real one on saturday (!)
hopefully
if all goes well XD

I'm so excited
finally
a real corp
!!!
also
I have a story
it's an adventure story
about a booty call
so Saturday at our first show
there was a really hot tenor kid
who looked like a Beatle
and he bent over to pick up his quads
and I turned to Stasi and said, "That kid has the most beautiful ass!"
she was just going to say the same thing

ahahahaha

so we checked him out later 'cuz they sat next to us
and then we talked about it in the girl's room
and a lady came up to us and asked us about it
and she said she was Downingtown's bus driver

XD

and she could get us his name
so I followed her to their bus
and then had to go
so I gave her my name and number to give to him
and then on the bus

perfect. lol

I got a phone call
from my brother
which sucked
but THEN!

!!!!!!

a phone call from a restricted number!!!

!!!!
SUSPENSE

So I answered, "Hi, this is Chloe. Are you the hot tenor kid from Downingtown?"
and he said, "No, this is me."
and I went
"NOOOOOOOOO! JIMMY NO!"
OH NO!
"
but it wasn't Jimmy

!!!!!!!!! oh NOOO
oh

it was Alex Morris
calling from the bus

hahahahahahahaha

and I laughed

what the hell alex morris XD

and cried
and was relieved
it was hilarious

all at the same time
hahahaha

yes
so THEN
A REAL PHONE CALL!
from the Downingtown tenor
and I answered in the same way

!!!!!
hahahahahaha

and we talked for maybe 3 minutes

that's hilarious lol

until his "boyfriend" came on the phone asking why I was asking about his "boy" being available
so then he and I talked for 4 minutes
and I said some lewd things
oh
and by the way

hahahahahahahah

I was sitting four seats behind all of the instructors who were listening
so Tom came over
next to me

oh tom. lol

and told me to ask him questions
and then halfway through the call

XD

Zack rightfully accused me of making a booty call
after the other kid hung up on me
Katie Capasso came back to where I was sitting
and said, "Their instructor just texted me..."
and she forwarded it
and it said, "which one of your girls is trying to hook up with our tenor player?"
and it was hilarious

ahahahahah that's hilarious

and it's saved forever

i can just picture katie

and then she high fived me

hahahah that's really funny

and I laughed and laughed and laughed
and everyone applauded

oh drumline.
hahahahaha

it was AWESOME
great night

sounds it XD
i'm jealous i wasn't there
sounds like a great time =P

I have to eat dinner, my love, you will be there for the stories on Saturday, but most likely, you will be the story

awwwww =P

I miss you mucho!

you're adorable

miss you too!!!

:D
<3

byeeeeee!

Erase Message?

Alright then. I'm really glad you're home, and I'll be happier when I get to see you tomorrow. Goodnight, Chloe. I love you so much and will only continue to love you more. Sleep well and dream better. :] <3 <3
Yes


I love you I love you I love you I love you I love yooooouuuuu! :D
Yes


You make me so happy all the time. It's almost worthless to say because words don't do it any justice. But either way I feel like I need to say how much you mean to me.
Yes


I know. Me too. It would've been nice I think. That was the best wordless hour I've had in probably forever. I love spending time with you so much. <3 :]
Yes


I can't get enough of that goofy grin. :] Get that much needed rest. Have awesome dreams and I'll see you tomorrow one way or another. I love you. <3 xoxo
Yes


Tuxeuffblllehhph. :P
Yes


I don't mean to be impatient for a response but I'm really tired. Busy afternoon I guess. I'll see you tomorrow morning. Thanks for everything you've done to make me the happiest dude in the state. :] Sleep well and sweet dreams, Chloe. I love you. <3
Yes


(Not literally at the moment, because right now I'm at my house and you're at your house...)
Yes


I don't care what people think any more now than I ever have in the past. Probably less actually, because I have everything I cold want at the moment.
Yes


Haha I thought the same thing but didn't want to be super lame! You complete me! :D I also heard many Is and Ss.
Yes



You have every right to high self-esteem. It's a shame to think you might have once upon a time had issues there. I've always known you're smart, and this year I found out how funny you are, and I can't believe it took me until recently to realize that you're fucking beautiful. It's an A+ combination.
Yes


I haven't been nearly this content in a really long time. You make me feel so awesome Chloe. I can't explain it any better than that. I know I've said it before but you just keep reminding me.
Yes


You make me very happy, Chloe Glynn. I'm not sure what is prompting this statement but it's true. I'm so glad we started hanging out this summer. :]
Yes


Haha I definitely give Capitalism and my being the son of a middle class white male props for this one. But those are isolated and are not meant to be taken out of context. Also, in feeling retrospective, I can't believe I let you turn me into a Communist.
Yes


It's all sounding great. I'm flattered that you'd like to do boring things with my future mentally handicapped self instead of something fun. Even if I won't remember any of the unspeakable things you could get away with doing to me.
Yes


Your name was just carved into a big house's new cement driveway next to mine and the date. :D
-July 28th
Yes


I was just guitar dueting with my uncle. We played wish you were here. Then i got sad. It was really cool though.
Yes


:] <3
Yes


Even prettier than before. Wish you were here.
Yes


Beautiful.
Yes


Dance!
Yes


Yeah i had a blast too. You're making this summer fantastic for me. Have a safe ride down to NC. I'll hope to hear from you soon. Sleep well. Goodnight <3 ;)
Yes


Dude same here. Its gettin tough. And I think different circles is probably right. Gotta change that. I'm willing to hang with band kids to get to you :D
Yes


Haha me neither. Anyway, definitely a solid several days. I'm really liking hanging out with you. Why haven't we in the past?
Yes

It hurt so much. I cried. I wrote them down, then went through and deleted all of them before I could change my mind.

I Kissed a Girl

The worst part of this song has nothing to do with sexuality, but the fact that Katy Perry used the other girl.

"No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature..."

It required human interaction. The owner of cherry chap-stick kissed a girl too. Perry was a little drunk. Was the other girl? I wonder how she felt. It reminds me of Frankenstein. This is how asshole boys are supposed to feel.

Awesome Weekend #2

Will put words here later...

I Love the Whole World

and xkcd, boom de yada, boom de yada boom de yada!

I wish I had known of that park on September 23rd, 2007

"Powerless"

We were alone. We were lost and naïve and dying. We were the Power Rangers. Physical death, an end to our bodies, never imposed itself as an object of fear. With the reckless abandon of youth, we consistently subjected ourselves to close proximity with that specter of doom. We were just children, desperate to become a perfect embodiment of everything beautiful and safe in the world. Teenagers, selected by some alien force we did not understand to protect our fragile world from the evils of intergalactic imperialism, eager with youthful idealism to become forces of good and the stainless heroes of childhoods lost. And yet, slowly, everything we strove so diligently to protect and sanctify began to negate our existence. We allowed ourselves to become ideas. We ceased to exist as humans, fallible and capable of fear.
With stupid, naïve trust we removed the duty of protecting and caring for our lives from the incompetent hands of our parents, and into the cold technology we did not understand. It was a kind of magic to us, the science. The machines were devoid of the emotional failures of our parents, mothers and fathers, families, and things dreamed of suffered from. Our “families” had abandoned us in a startling reality. Selling our childhoods for their own safety, they betrayed us to a scathing world and bound us to protect it. Despite their brilliant logic and ceaseless calculations, the machines eventually exposed their fallibility. Thus was our twisted fall into adulthood. Everything will break, heart and body included. Our resentment was understandable, even reasonable.
Extravagant villains plagued Angel Grove like locusts, a common occurrence and ordinary experience for us Power Rangers. Ivan Ooze, a vile creature from an ancient past formed from foul primeval filth, was unlike the thoughtless antagonists of previous encounters. The machines guarded the interests of innocent citizens against “bad guys,“ such as these, before the welfare of their own existence. Zordon was the seemingly infinite being whose wisdom and obligations controlled our destiny. The first time we fought the minions of Ivan Ooze was at the direction of Zordon. He told us to leave him, to go out into the city, and protect its inhabitants. In our absence, Ooze himself entered our command center, and the source of our powers. Ravaging the wires and circuit like some demented flood, he destroyed not only the life support of our powers, but of Zordon. Instantly, the suits, weapons, and abilities granted us by alien intervention vanished.
The brave commander had died. The “brave commander” had orphaned us, powerless against the evils of the world. It was “a calculated risk.” If his machines calculated the worth of citizen’s lives against our own, we would obey as child slaves incapable of free will. Billy, the stereotypically nerd, once recited to us, “When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.” He had realized before all of us that we had no control in the decisions of our life. Whether to laugh, cry, reject our responsibilities, or fall hopelessly, madly in love had not been our choice. Zordon had managed every aspect of our developing adolescence. Zordon, omnipotent, infallible Zordon had failed to protect himself, and doing so, failed to protect us. Yet somehow, paradoxically, the responsibilities that had forced us to abandon our childhoods and assume the role of hero, a title we believed only adults could hold, had prevented us from ever really “growing up.” The “Power Rangers” were infallible. We were not, but the blinding perfection of childhood ideals masked our faults. Zordon’s power had protected us from physical harm, and protected us from making mistakes. Upon his death, we floundered in the magnificent void of freedom.

Madly in Like

It's not a fake stalker crush anymore. He makes me feel squishy and warm inside and his unique humor forces me to be witty again. I don't know what I expect to gain, except that I know I want to hold his hand. He called me from Hawaii every day to endless laughter and easy chatting.

In English class, a great number of our conversations become personal "confessions" that would otherwise never come up. Listening to Dave's stories, though I love and admire his dispassionate logic (jealous to no end), my life is touched with the brilliant and devastating fire of emotion. Our days of eternal summer and glorious autumn will remain bittersweet memories of perfect, innocent romance, but they are the last of anything between us. I can love him and his life without wanting to be near it. It is sweet release.

Recent Texts Worthy of Much Remembering

You know, I think I'll take you up on the cookie baking extravaganza sometime :D
-Jimmy

[picture] Doesn't matter! iWin!
-Matt

I know, It's so exciting to find a functional family that likes each other when yours isn't like that o_O you and molly are a cute friend couple lol
-Jeff, on my super duper Valentine's

Dude. you rob and jimmy are all fucking awesome. like, seriously.
-Jeff

Hahaha okay. Thanks. He was a wrestler, he wrestled with heroin and a shotgun and he didnt win
-Steve

I hope you dont get smited Chloe.
-Steve

Now your just giving Jesus ideas. He could kill two birds with one lightning bolt, or a flood or a drunk guy in an SUV
-Steve, on the observance that my smiting would serve example to any of my communist conspirators

A homeless (and assumedly gay) man just tried to pick me up. God bless this state!
-Jimmy

He mostly ogled me and asked me 'How much for that ass.' pretty straghtforward.
-Jimmy, when asked, "What pick up methods did he use?"

I'm madly in like with Jimmy.
-me

PostSecret

I hope whoever got this appreciated it more than anything else in the world.

[edit] Why this should be mine:

1. I don't want the love to have vanished.
2. The last time he told me he loved me in person he said, "I love you so much."
3. While breaking up with me, his exact words were, "I felt like it was going to end and I don't want you to be a 'fuck and chuck.'"
4. It's perfect for my situation.