Recent Developments: I make a friend

Sup, babe? I got fast fingers and a good grasp of adjectives. What do you say to some explicit communications via text message?
-me

Hahahahahahaha i love you!
-Girl!

I'm not looking for commitment. I never said anything about love except the hot, sweet physical kind. Hope your night with Stasi is deep and emotion delving!

I wanna lick your sweet adverb dripping body.

Hahaha. I am scandalized by how quickly this friendship turned physical. But I admit, I was only in this for your adverb adjective body and your adjective wit.

Haha. Chloe. Lets be friends.

I heartily endorse that statement. I would invited you over for a sleepover and pillow fight or what not, but neither of us has finished our summerwork.
-Chloe, end communication

"when I am 24, I will tell people I am 4!"

I make my brother out to be such a badass, which he is, of course, but it makes all of my friends want to meet him. I think he's too cool for most of us.

When I have my silver studs in and a bandanna on to hold back my hair, I feel almost sorta like a badass.

I downloaded some Weezer today. My impression of them would be so much better if their first song I heard wasn't Beverly Hills.

I have eaten more food while outside of my home (mostly Stasi's and bandcamp) than I have in my house since Thursday.

On the AP Lit. journal requirements sheet, it says, "It's More then Just Rain." I think it's a grammar mistake, but it might not be.

[Edit: C&H Depressing comic week is really good at owning up to its title.]

Emoticon: Words, Words, Words

Our new fridge is too warm to keep milk safe and the freezer is not cold enough to keep popsicles frozen. Right now, we have our old fridge set up in the barn and my dad says, "...it makes me feel like a hillbilly, but at least it's not out on the porch."

Thusly, this evening, as I ventured upon a short jaunt into the night to fetch some milk fo' milk and coo-kays, I stepped on a slug. It was big. And, it was sticky.

On Saturday, I told the freshman what Katie wishes she had been able to.

I've gotten so much better at guitar since I start pwn'ing bar chords.

Because I was invited to sing at the talent show, I figured I should probably figure out what my voice sounds like. I started recording myself singing songs within my vocal range, and it's easier to figure out how to fix the way things sound now. I'm almost starting to not dislike my singing voice.

Hot Knives has been promoted to one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs because I can play it and sing it, and some of the lyrics remind me of who I wish I was.

All through the summer I've developed many varied and new friendships. They're not permanent yet, I know, but it's still a fascinating group of interrelated people who all talk about each other.

I've finally found a group of girls who I enjoy talking about sex with. It's finally girls who know, enjoy, and understand.

Last year, I promised my teachers that I would write them appreciation letters. I even handed out "IOUs." Unfortunately, while I still appreciate them, I haven't put it into words yet...

Roughly a quarter of the times I get ready for bed at night I think, "Barely seventeen and barely dressed..."

Words I wrote on my hand today: "Tonton Marcoute" and "blephanoplasty."

[Edit:
"I call on you not to hate because hate does not leave a space for a person to be fair and it makes you blind and closes all doors of thinking and keeps away one from balanced thinking and making the right choice. I also call on you not to hate the peoples of the other countries that attacked us and differentiate between the decision-makers and peoples. Anyone who repents... you must forgive him."

The previous are words taken from the last letter of an important political leader and humanitarian. He advocated free, modernized health care, free education, and a diversified national infrastructure campaign, winning an award from the United Nations Education, Science, and Cultural Organization for his work. He never met his father, his only older brother died of cancer at age 13, despite this, still managed to achieve one of the most prominent roles in international government in recent years. It's funny the things I didn't know about Saddam Hussein because I was close minded.]

Chloe Waits...

During the late summer of the last four years, as it got closer to 9:30, I began to dread the end of band practice. Aimless milling about is uncomfortable for me; I am not good at conversing. While I don't really like it, I usually have fun and get to hug people. The worst is waiting for my dad to come. I'm consistently one of the last kids waiting, even delaying instructors from their own homes. I've never bothered to carpool or learn to drive. Even worse than not talking in a large group is not talking one on one.

I Met Blink-182

Thursday, August 27th, at roughly 1:00 in the afternoon, I began my adventure to the best of the three concerts I have been to. Rachel's mom, Mrs. K., drove her daughter, Sean L., Joel W. and me into Philly so that we could take the ferry across the Susquehanna into Camden. I got bitch seat because I'm the littlest. A ticket costs six dollars for adults and runs, on time, every hour on the hour. We took up our wait by seating ourselves on a flat slate barrier several feet above the murky water, but not many feet from the edge. Conversation was excellent, discussing the band, concert, friends, observations, and generally hilarious stories. Through the efforts of the boys, we listened to Taking Back Sunday and Weezer, two of the bands who would be headlining. Upon boarding the ferry, we got a seat on the upper deck, facing the water, and I read all of the safety guidelines should the ferry suffer any number of tragedies and require an emergency response. Philadelphia is a beautiful city, and I wish I had brought my sketch pad. Camden is not beautiful.

Because the concert opened its gates at 5:30, we were one of the earliest groups there, setting up Rachel's "stoner blanket" as the fifth group in line behind one of the gates. A man with a fanciful hipster hairdo asked us if we wanted pictures taken of us for Taking Back Sunday's website. Of course, we agreed, and I'm sure we were absolutely adorable. An unsucessful attempt at hackey sack was made, but while Sean was sufficiently capable and Joel bordering on "not bad," Rachel and I were lucky if we hit the tiny, bean-filled ball. It was initially meant to be a flirting technique, but it becames more of a hazard zone as all boys quickly hurried past our area of play.

Rachel had her heart deadset on buying the limited edition, silk-screened concert t-shirt that only 182 copies were made of. Because of this, when the very beginnings of a merchandise booth was being set up outside the gates, we immediately set up residence to wait. There, another concert goer named Jackie, started talking to us about the band, being broke, and general conversation. It was very pleasant, and coincidentally, the boys we had left to guard the blanket had separately begun talking to her boyfriend, as we found out later. At one point in our line waiting adventure, we saw that the boys were giving out their phone numbers to t-Mobile representatives. We laughed at them, until they shouted to us they were signed up to meet the band. Infuriated, but not leaving our place in line, Rachel called, and they said they had actually registered in a raffle to meet the band. While still upset they hadn't called us over, we laughed it off, saying there were 25,000 people coming to this concert and there's no way they could win. For safe measure, we signed up when they came over to the merchandise line.

One of the men setting up the booth had said that the limited edition t-shirt was going to be seventy dollars. Rachel was astounded, and didn't have the money because she had to buy advance ferry tickets for the people who had not arrived yet. I lent her my money, as I was five dollars short of any t-shirt. However, as the first people in line, we learned they did not have the limited edition shirt at this particular stand, and so Rachel gave my money back so I could buy fire engine red "Feeling This?" underwear. We took our place in line, which was almost organized because it was getting close to entrance time, and Joel had transformed the blanket saving our spot into "one badass scarf." I texted some, but it was generally good talking, laughing, and being excited.

5:30!!! They let us in the gates and Rachel immediately bolted for the nearest merchandise stand, shoving aside other quick ticket holders and being the first person to purchase one of the shirts she so desired. Luckily, the other guy was a liar, and this shirt was only thirty dollars, to her relief. Some of us went to the t-Mobile stand to get our free gifts of sidekick beach balls and to use the facilities. We met up with the rest of the kids we would be spending the concert with, namely Meg, Joe, Alex, Amanda, Steve, Hannah, and Mel. We had an incredible seat, with a small patch of grass, close and center. Here we stayed, with more laughing, talking, and excitement until Rachel got a phone call. Chester French had started playing very loudly, disrupting the phone call, so Rachel ran towards an open spot to be able to hear. I very excitedly watched her, her far off leaps and bounds revealing that she, of the 25,000 concert guests, was going to meet blink-182. I ran off after her, ready to worship her feet after she met them, eager to hear how the incredible meeting went. At first, she ran to the wrong end, and was fearful she would be too late. Luckily, she arrived in the right spot and she was given a pink wrist band. Luckily for me, she got to bring a guest, to our surprise.

The guy who was organizing the event for t-Mobile had a sense of humor, and because of Rachel's extreme reaction of happiness, he sorta messed with her. Almost unbelievably, while waiting in line, we found out that Jackie's boyfriend who had been talking to the boys had also won and Jackie was going to meet the band as well. With a complete lack of dignity, Rachel and I started calling everyone we knew who would bother to care. My brother was jealous, but manly calm about it. Then, at their order, we got in a single file line and excitedly walked into the arena, waiting in a food court for access to the backstage area. While there, not two feet from a trashcan and only a few staggered steps from a bathroom, an inebriated young man puked. Rachel, who was excited to a point beyond what is medically healthy and usually has a mirror reaction to that action, was doing fine, to my great relief. Backstage, they told us that we could not have any cameras and that all three of the band members would sign one object for us, but not to ask for anything else.

We were waiting through the end of Chester French and through Taking Back Sunday. The only bad part is that the line was right outside of the catering area, and caterers know how to cook to please the senses when all we had eaten was overpriced chicken and fries. Finally, the band came out and set up their autograph table. Rachel went a small ways out of line to get a better look, and Mark gave her the standard man head nod. She just about shrieked and swooned. All of the security guards were joking about the fangirl reactions we were having and put us at ease. They allowed one or two people at a time at the table. First Rachel, then I joined her and told them that while I was a big fan, my brother was an even bigger one. They signed the underwear I had just purchased and we received free stickers and a CD of Travis and DJ-AM (who died in a coke overdose two days later, on August 29th). Tom told Mark to cover his face, because Rachel was crying, and hugged her. Apparently, he's cuddly. Then, we took a picture of the group together and led us away.

We got back in between sets, and Weezer was not on yet. I enjoy most of their singles, but have no idea about any of the other songs on their albums. Their performance etiquette was fantastic and it really psyched up the whole crowd. Thanks to radio 104.5, I knew the words to their new single "If You're Wondering If I Want You To (I Want You To)," which I thoroughly enjoy. Their last song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" During which, I was squished between two guys jumping and I did my best to jump with them. It was fun. After their sets were finished, they played keyboard cat. Then, blink!! They opened with The Anthem, Part 2. Tom was the tinest bit drunk, and while very funny, made many a dick and fart joke.

Joel and I rocked out and sang every line until he found (or formed) a mosh pit right in front of us. We ran into Evan P., Max G., Joe P., and Taylor J., the first of whom also participated in the moshing. I pretty much jumped and sang and danced to every line. I got a little bit moshed on and a little bit grabbed by the waist by a drunk guy until Meg saved me. Tom forgot a few of the lyrics, but the crowd carried him through and it was overall a great performance. They closed with Reckless Abandon, and the crowd refused, chanting "One more song! One more song!" At that, Travis came out, and in his levitating, spinning, and angling drum set, played "Some West Coast Shit." Then, the rest of the band came out and eventually finished with Dammit. They played all of my favorite songs and two I didn't know the lyrics to, one of them being Man Overboard.

The line for the ferry back was hell (this line will last forever, and ever, and ever...), but it still saved more time than if Sean's dad had driven up through Jersey, paying tolls and fighting traffic. We realized that during the concert, someone had kicked Rachel's bag and we had lost four of the tickets and had to buy new ones back. After getting tickets, but before getting on the boat, we sang "On a Boat." Though by some mighty miracle, they told our group they only had room left for ten people, the exact number we happened to be. We were glad we did not have to face the embarrassment of a.) not being on a boat after singing that and b.) facing the wrath of everyone who heard us singing.

There was sleepy conversation on the way back and Mr. L. is an interesting guy. I woke up incredibly sore. My neck still hurts a lil' bit.

One of the freshman and I are doing the talent show together! Snaps a plenty!

There were 1.4 billion fewer credit card solicitations sent out in '09 than in '08.

Weezer and Third Eye Blind both had good albums come out this month.

Holy goodness! blink-182 concert today!
I'm also excited to hear Weezer's new single.

Band camp has been super awesome this week!
Except for 4/6 of the pit (battery reject) freshmen.

Being outrageous makes them notice I'm cute.
Then they notice I'm nice too.

"god, this long fucking fight
is lost"

Goodbye hugs are the hardest and easiest to remember.
Sometimes though, I wish they would blur together.

I think I'm going to go out and legitimately get some make up,
still not much though, only enough to apply "smokey eye."

"Lightning comes and lightning goes, it's all the same to me."

The riff from "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age is catchy.

I tremendously enjoyed Huck Finn.
I develop crushes on literary figures too often.

Brandywine

Between the Brandywine River Museum and Smith's Bridge, there is a rope swing. It is nearly perfect, considering the many variables that go into making a great ride. The water is deep, the bank high and climbable, and the rope sturdy. To get a real pendulum swing, it is necessary to climb up the supporting tree and jump from there. I am scared of heights, and it is very intimidating from up in the tree. However, one of my summer resolutions was to jump if the option presented itself. I screamed an exhilarating scream and almost forgot to let go.

Gina is the only person who can have any personal interest in my actions. However, my reactions were terrible and I am ashamed of them. Those, everyone has a right to gut me for.

This Is Underhanded

Dear Gina,

You may consider it a cold and painful betrayal for me to say this and address you as "dear," but I still love you. You are still the same incredible person, even though now you can see me for the backstabber I am. My guilt is infinitesimal compared to every emotion you are experiencing, even before the sickening physical feelings. Even if I could explain what I did, it wouldn't change your terrible pain. I'm not going to ask for forgiveness. I know not only is it useless, but there may not be a time in the near future when I deserve it. I am sorry this had to be in a sterile and public blog, but I know that any private communication between us would only further your heartbreak.

With all of my heart,
Chloe

........ ...................... .........

Dear Sarah,

Gina needs you by her side, and I need you there for her too. We need to have a professional and cordial relationship for band, but beyond that, do give the vaguest consideration for my motivation. I'll miss you.

Sincerely,
Chloe

........ ...................... .........

Abby,

I'll continue to be the hypocritical backstabbing slut and you can continue to hate me while both parties who were actually involved are at college. You're the only one I'm angry at for this line "If this is my reaction, imagine what it will do to her." Your reaction doesn't matter. She knew well before you did. I don't have to imagine what her reaction was. It was made very clear the sickening, heartbreaking pain I have inflicted on my friend. After this, I'm sure you won't tell me what the old stories are, but I'm still curious.

Chloe

........ ...................... .........

Dear Joey,

I am ashamed to see you. Some of the only relief I have found is that you are an amazing brother and will be there for her. I know you are reasonable and will be cordial.

Sincerely,
Chloe

Just the Smell of the Summer...

I am not ready to be a senior. This time next year, I will be left or leaving.

I tried making myself nothing to protect you, but they always promise, "Nothing can hurt you."

I believe in Page 89.

Did you sing "Happy Birthday" to your mom? You sing when I sing, even if we don't know the words.

Thursday could otherwise be a funny and embarrassing story.

I listened to the playlist "Girly Songs" for the first time since last October.

Playing guitar and singing is embarrassing for me. I didn't know you were there.


I kissed Jeff.

One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.

After three free years of dutiful, fashionable service, I need to get new flip-flops. :(

Tubing was super fun and Kate is super awesome! Part of me wishes the boys had floated off together so we could girly gossip.

I have books to read! Also, I don't know where the Huck Finn journals are or what we're supposed to do for How to Read Literature Like a Professor.

Even if I were to explain everything, it will still hurt. Seeing me will still make you want to cry.

Nick has disappeared off the face of the earth again. It sucks waiting.

I'm not scared that I'll wind up alone.

The Devil Made Them Clever

I'm for decency — period. I'm for anything and everything that bodies love and consideration for my fellow man.

If you can make a woman laugh you can do anything with her.

We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.

the most dangerous plaything.
the most dangerous game.

A woman's strength is in her tongue.

His style is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning.

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.

Will they notice? No? It should be assumed not, but I do not investigate myself, merely dismiss it.

One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.

Fear is the enemy of logic.

I am a miser of my memories of you
And will not spend them.

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.

We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.

Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad.

A man's real possesion is his memory. In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor.

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden.

Things to Say

1. For my own jealous purposes, I wished you ill. Then, I felt ill.

2. I'm sorry I never invited you to my house for movies and an adventure.

3. You are very encouraging despite my doubt, "Are we really friends?"

4. I wasn't joking and I know you knew it.

5. You're a cool kid. Tag team rules.

6. It is impossible to express how much I value our conversation and your friendship.

7. I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend, but you make me scared and jealous. You're the only person who can do that though, so congrats.

8. I miss you, but what can we even talk about? I would listen to you for hours talk about anything, but I always feel like it's gossip, about you, or nothing.

9. I don't think any boy or girl is good enough for you. You are unique.

10. I'm going to miss you a lot. Even though you just left, and we didn't talk frequently, you understood my embarrassment and left an open invitation.

11. I told you we weren't friends. I tried tonight, not well, but I was hampered by fear. I hope, in the least, you recognized the awkward effort.

12. I love you, and I love your family, and I wish there had been time enough for me to appreciate you more. I'm utterly ecstatic for you, but a lil' jealous he gets your time.

13. We should be friends. You are interesting and exceptional.

14. Love her and tell her she is gorgeous, because you are finally a guy who might deserve her.

15. Part of your mystery is being unreachable and far away. It forces us to miss you.

16. So far, the only imperfections I recognize in you are your genetic defects and you're not a fantastic "deep kisser." I'm still working on it though.

17. If you get outraged and horrified and betrayed by my actions, I will still love everything about you. Even if you acknowledge the logic and motivation in my actions, I know you will still despair.

18. I just have to remind myself how much I cried, your love of apathy, and your hatred of grape drank.

19. You are adorable, and as writing this, I wonder if that night we sat talking in my kitchen until 3 AM if you didn't get the album because of him and not me. I enjoy the feeling thinking about that evening, even if I don't remember the details.

20. Part of it is dramamongering and no personal investment, but I wish you'd told off that crazy bitch who stole the perfect chance to go for your man.

21. I wish I was better at making you realize your beauty. It gets hard fighting against your self-deprecation.

22. Please, don't die young.

23. You never kissed me in public, and I still adored you.

24. You know it's fake. I would give anything for you to fall in love with a girl who gives you butterflies, who gets nervous giggles when look at her, and makes you happy beyond anything you knew.

25. Sometimes, I think you want him to be with me. Maybe you just think I'm a cool kid.

26. Thank you for giving me someone to write to. I wish we could be friends.

27. You contributed very much to who I am. I am ashamed by my disgust of your self-destructive choices.

28. You are a perfect father to me. I hope I can be a good daughter.

29. You know me well. It breaks my heart when your actions based in the best of intentions don't mean what you hoped they would.

*30. I am sorry we are not friends. You are amazing, and I try to appreciate you, but making new friends got so much harder after elementary school where a sleepover was an easy token of friendship.

X. You are terrified of people and get jealous over things you have no entitlement to.

Stuff In My Phone

So oddly i miss you? Haha well have to hang out when I get back.
-Nick F.

YAAAAAAAAAYYYAAAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYY. The more y's there are the happier I am
-Erik

I'm kinda pretty and pretty kind

I don't drink. I don't smoke. I use soft drugs very infrequently. I don't fuck. I take AP classes. I am on the HiQ team and marching band. I am involved in politics. I am a "student leader." I did well on my SATs. I have never been arrested. I don't drive. I honestly care about the guys I date. I am a feminist. I recycle. I listen to classic rock and NPR. I own vinyl albums. I read the newspaper. I obey and respect my parents. I miss my grandparents. I write and send honest to goodness letters and postcards. I appreciate the things I have and beauty, no matter how hard it is to find. I love reading. I like science and math. I am awesome in history. I appreciate nature.

Good gift to me: Your dick in a box.
Bad gift from me: Your dick in a box.

We were walking in time, but on opposite feet. We were walking together on different streets.

forgot nothing but the feeling

What are the colorful tubes between the "truck" and the "trailer" on an 18 wheeler?
Why do shape mac n' cheeses taste better?

"The Old Regime and the Revolution"

"I bet it's sleazy. I want to read it."
-Mom

I didn't believe in destiny until you told me it was ours.

I want to find my boy writing the dracula rock opera.

I cannot tell you how long your road is, but do not fear the obstacles.

Well you're just a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere.

Course it's Pete. Just look at him. We gotta find some sorta wizard to change him back.

Hrmph

I didn't lie. I just didn't have the willpower to keep it the truth.
This was not out of malice.
It was my decision, based in logic.
I thought it out.
I can imagine how you'd feel.
I don't like it.
It makes me feel guilty.
I still don't regret it.

An Enormous Survey (Stolen from Emily on FB)

Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
No, not romantically, but I know he still wants to be friends so long as we give it time.

Where is your phone?
On my left leg.

Are you excited for anything happening in the next week?
Hanging with Dan, Fava, tubing with Molly, tubing with group, senior portraits, dinner with mom, Hi-Q party, and Emily's bonfire.

How are you currently feeling?
Sweaty and fulfilled.

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours?
Regrettably, most likely internet things, if I'm ambitious, reading.

Do you regret anything you've done recently?
Nope. I don't regret anything that happened this year.

If you drank fifteen beers, what would you be doing?
Probably puking my guts up or on the way to the hospital.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
Not while in high school, but yes.

Who did you talk to on the phone last?
Viv!!! (This will never occur again.)

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
Possibly the HiQ sweater if bitches get this party figured out.

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
DUH! Adios, Glen Thrills, though you have served me well.

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a D?
Nope, but I was half jokingly offered.

Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it?
Haha, all the time. Promises are shit.

What do you always take with you?
The clothes on my body, but it's not guaranteed they'll stay there.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
Goodness, no.

What was the best thing that happened today?
Best thing?! How can I choose?! India Grille, then (500) Days of Summer, with Viv and Erik, then hanging out with Dan G..

Is anything bothering you?
My sleep schedule is a little wacky and summer reading is daunting, but not really.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
One!

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head?
Demetri Martin

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?
Emotional, but only because as a female suburbanite, I will probably never suffer much pain.

What color is the shirt you are wearing?
Brown.

What song are you listening to?
She's Got You High by Mumm-Ra (because I stole the 500 Days of Summer OST)

Have you ever fallen asleep while texting someone?
Yeah, I always feel a little bad, but if I'm up that late texting someone, they don't mind.

Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days?
Yep.

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week?
Nah.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes. Isn't it the sweetest?

Who is the last person 18 or under that you were in a car with?
Uh... not Viv or Erik... Jack?

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Maybe, though I've never had to hide them for long.

Who did you last send a text message to?
Dan G.

Do you feel like life will be easier when you're older, or harder?
Harder, if only because there's a shit load of busy work. Bills suck!

Are you a jealous person?
Nah, bein' an anarcho-communist is all youthful idealism, but I try to live it.

Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions?
Yep.

Is the last person you kissed more than a year older than you?
Yes.

Are you comfortable with your height?
Absolutely.

Is your room ever clean?
Not at this moment, but yes.

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Ah, the stars, or down the boardwalk, the illumination.

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?
No, but a hammock is better?

Do you like to take walks?
I don't think I should have to answer this.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
I could be, but it matters not.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Mmhm. I want a line of poetry or literature either on my wrist, ankle, or back neck near the hairline in very small, very fine print.

Can you whistle?
Yes.

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
Haha, if I had woke up this morning, no. As I woke up in the afternoon, yes.

What's your relationship with the person you last texted?
Friend, admirerer

Do you wish someone would call you right now?
No, I get nervous on the phone.

Who have you texted in the last 48 hours?
Jeff, Matt, Erik, Dan, and Jack

What is wrong with you right now?
I have never traveled out of the country.

Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
Stasi, by far, all of our conversations can become philosophic without any effort.

Who do you tell the most to?
Jeff probably, except when it concerns Jeff, then probably Stasi

Where is the person you want most?
Not a clue.

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
3 "true" and 3 I could always go to.

Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
Smile over the lie. I am only human, allow me illusions.

Do you like anybody right now?
Sorta kinda. No crushes, but general boy longing.

Are any of your career plans pretty definite or up in the air?
Haha, jobs can suck it.

When was the first time you kissed the last person you kissed, where was it?
Thursday, May 7th, on Jimmy's back porch under the stars and moon.

Did you kiss or make out with anyone today?
Nope!

Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever?
Nah. While it was a good night, it was not one of the best.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
30something

Do you want to cut your hair?
Nope, just a trim and leave it long.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
Hey, Dave and Jimmy! I dedicate this one to you two.

What kind of mood are you in?
Warm and floaty, great day feeling.

Do you like your life as of now?
God, yes. I've loved my life since after AP exams last year.

When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
Only if I have my inconvenient, reusable, open lid water bottle.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
Nope.

Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Same guy, different vehicles, once while trying not to cry.

Ever snuck out of your house?
Haha, it's pretty much the only thing that makes me a badass anymore.

What did you do today?
Woke up, went to India Grille with Viv and Erik. Accidentally met up with Kacey and Matti at Regal to see (500) Days of Summer with them and afore mentioned friends. Had lovely chats with Viv, got dropped off. Biked to Dan G.'s house. Biked back to Garnet Mine to meet up with him, then to Rob's neighborhood where we talked for well on two hours.

Do you like someone right this second?
Nope.

Would you ever betray a friend for personal gain?
In an unanticipated consequence, yes. Never intentionally or with malice.

What was the last thing you ate?
Milk and cookies!

Are you a morning person or a night person?
I haven't "seen" the morning since Stasi and I stayed up.

Do you snore?
When I have a cold or restricted nasal passage for some other reason.

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
Yes.

Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Nah.

Do you want a relationship right now?
Kinda sorta. I want a physical relationship

True love or 1 billion bucks?
Gimme the billion bucks. I'll find the guy on my own.

Do you think too much or too little?
Both, depends on the context, usually, too much.

Is there someone who can always make you smile?
Indeedily.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I'm a motherfucking sexy beast. Thanks long hair.

Do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
I don't toss and turn, necessarily, but I will lie in bed thinking about things until I get sleepy.

Does the person you like, like you back?
As there are many involved, at least one, yes.

Do you want to see somebody right now?
Duh! Bein' alone and on the internet is boring.

What color are your nails right now?
That whole "natural pink color" thing.

Who was the last person to text you?
Dan G.

Could things possibly get any better?
Yeah, but frankly, things just get different.

Do you get along better with the same sex or opposite?
Opposite sex, unfortunately. I'm not good at keep female friends.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
Yes.

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Haha, probably, but not one I'll regret.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Nope! 9 AM: Senior Portraits.

Do you consider yourself lucky?
Not "luck," but dear goodness, my life has been nothing but blessed.

Are you in a relationship?
Nope.

Who is your favorite person to text?
Probably Jeff, though I don't really like text conversations.

How many times have you been rejected by the opposite sex?
Wasiq, can I count the times I thrown myself upon you, only to be pushed away? But other than my deepest loss, yeah: Matt (freshman homecoming), Dave, and Jimmy.

Can you keep a secret?
Yep!

Have you ever made someone your everything?
Nah, the world is too big for that.

Are you an emotional person?
*sigh* Probably, though I wish so much I wasn't.

Are you a caring person?
Yeah.

Can you make people smile?
I try.

If you like someone do they know?
Nowadays, as soon as I know, they know.

What're some good qualities about yourself?
My smarts, memory, personality, boobs, abs, ass, legs, eyes, hair, arms, waist...

Where do you wish you were?
Haha, freakin' Italy after talking to Dan.

What was your last dream about?
Dave and I had a normal conversation. I dream about him a lot. :P

If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name?
I won't put that here for internet safety reasons, but y'all know what his last name is.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Yes! I was excited to go to India Grille with Viv and Erik.

To Do List:

Maybe June 19th or 20th, I wrote a letter to myself with a list of things to do this summer. This is that list (italics mean it's completed):

Go on adventures. Read books. Do your summer work. Eat fruit. Climb trees. Keep secrets. Forget. Get drunk. Sing. Swim. Play guitar. Sneak out. Get high. Scream. Explore. Listen. Talk, but not too much. Knit. Hackysack. Learn. Draw. Paint. Photograph. Swing. Dream. Walk. Stargaze. Creek. Laugh. Smile. Watch movies. Build a birdhouse. Garden. Learn to can. Nap. Breathe. Blink. Masturbate. Cry. Be there. Go in hot tubs and pools. Make friends. Kiss. Party. Bike. Picnic. Wait. Volunteer. Write. Teach, but only by accident. Eat break and M&Ms. Get new sexy clothes and socks. Don't get bit by a zombie.* Talk like a pirate. Tell the truth. Spill my own secrets. Make new ones. Study Hi-Q. Pool with Wasiq. Get new albums. Send postcards. Write letters. Make Jello. Get a kiddie pool. Appreciate the hammock. Body surf. Find beach glass. Get ear pierced again. Smell the grass. Bake cookies, cakes, and other assorted baked goods. Firefly with Matt. Catch butterflies. Get over band. Program computers. Hang out with everyone I promised, especially Poofy. Drive. Admire thunderstorms. Jump in puddles. Don't be so scared to jump.** If confronted with it, jump off a high dive. Make wishes. Make love? Discuss philosophy and politics. Read Wiki. Find a "signature scent." Play "Best Day/Worst Day" with Molly and company. Inquire as where to get a fake ID. Finance my pranks. Devise better pranks. Get over Dave. Talk back. Graffiti. Sleep tight. Feel better about the Jimmy situation.

* Ongoing
** Metaphorically as well

Recently

I went to one of Hetty's battle practices today. I had a lot of fun and got to see Dan who I haven't seen since prom for a total of two minutes.

I got creeped on and hit on in a creepy way. The second was flattering.

I was talking to Christian via Facebook chat about my status "...is frustrated with her clitoris," and he determined it is time to get me "layed." That was preceeded by me sharing all of my deepest darkest past that I sorta thought he knew, but he thought I fucked Dave, so apparently not, but whatever, because I told him the straight shimmy, but anway, THAT was followed by him realizing that the solution is to get Dave to fuck me, and then me Facebook chatting Dave, opening with the lines,
Hey
I gotta question
Do you want to fuck?

He said "uh" "not really" "I appreciate the bluntness though i really do"

The rest of the conversation was significantly less awkward, though by then my adrenaline was crashing and I wanted to go to bed. It was scarier than riding the roller coasters I hate. I made Christian psyche me out and I listened to Gonna Fly Now in my head before the chat. Also, I am scared and embarrassed to be near Dave in real life, so that wouldn't have worked, even if I really want it to.

Jeff and I visited Viv tonight. I missed her sooooooo much. She is hilarious and silly and we are probably going to see 500 Days of Summer this week and go tubing. Yo, e'rybody, tubing on Tuesday?

Jeff and I sorta kinda have a thing where we care deeply about each other as friends, but also sorta kinda romantically? But I don't want it to be secret because there's nothing there and not going to be anything and I feel really subversive about it and had a nightmare where I couldn't explain to Gina.

In the birthday present Abby got me, Wreck this Journal, there is a page for criticism. I wrote down one bad thought about everybody. Except Molly, apparently, because there's absolutely nothing I dislike about her except I don't see her all the time. Oh, and we didn't go to California. Take that, hoebag.

I kinda wish my stereotype was slut, rather than dork or nerd, which I assume it currently is. Unfortunately, I think even if I slept around, that it would hard for my good image to be tarnished unless I somehow convinced the nerds to sleep with me too.

Even after every talent and gift I have, I still wish I could sing.

"We are just kings on a chessboard painted pink and blue..."

I don't want to be in a relationship with Matt, I simply don't have the romantic feelings. But, I still want to spend a large portion of my time with him and am, to a reasonable degree, jealous of Brianna because their time together is not sparce and awkward.

I should be playing guitar or mandolin, right now.

You bitches should post things, so I can read things. Or we should just all hang out so you guys have stuff to write about.

I miss Hannah's blog. (But band camp is starting soon!)

I am excited for band camp and being a section leader (but mostly only the title and having a freshman buddy for the second).

10 months without an orgasm.

Uh... yeah. I'll probably hang out with Fava sometime after he gets back from wherever he is, even though I had two other offers to fix the previous problem.

The Anonymity of the City

Jeff and some of his friends from PSU experienced First Friday in Philly last night. There was art and performance art and Jewish art and feeling the thrill of crossing streets and watching diners. I went to LOVE park, saw the Oldenburg clothespin, and the Liberty Bell.

I can't wait to leave here and be somewhere new.

*Sing*

When I say "it's not fair," I mean it's not fair to other people.
I got the 'good' side of unfair.

[I feel pretty]

I feel like I don't have any girls to talk to.
Also, that that is mostly my fault.

[Oh, so pretty]

There are some couples I should refer to as:
"See No Evil" and "Smell No Evil."

[I feel pretty]

I used to collect books of fairy tales and horror stories.

[(and witty and bright)]

There are dried tear drops on this desk I refuse to wipe away.

[and I pity any girl]

I miss singing this with Katie.

[who isn't me]

Until I post this, there will be 300 posts in this blog and 100 in my secret blog.

[tonight.]

"With global travel becoming widespread at that time, cookies made a natural travel companion..."
-Wikipedia article on cookies

"Cookie" is an anglocissmo of a Dutch word. Score!

Today was my only nearly entirely shitty day of the summer.

August 3rd

What can anyone say to make it hurt less, but the memories strong?
I'm so sorry that we're all just children who can't do anything to help.

Elton John & Billy Joel: Face 2 Face

Thursday, Matt, Mr. and Mrs. G., Jackie, Tom H., and I gathered at Matt's to set off for Citizen's Bank Park to tailgate, and eventually, see the two greatest pop piano players in history. While packing for the parking lot experience, I found and appropriated a pogo stick for the wait. We managed to arrive just as a new parking lot was opened, so we got to chill upon the grass of a median. My first attempts at pogosticking resulted in a top score of 3 hops. Tom and Mr. G both tied at 4. We discussed college, the artists at hand, and Matt took a picture of me with my hand on a beer (black mail!). My mom called and, despite my best reasoning, assumed that I was just there with a bunch of kids. Nearing 7 o'clock, we began the trek from our parking spot to the stadium. Tom and Matt both snuck in water bottles, because the security patted their middle section, but not their lowest cargo pockets. Oh well. It was sorta around this time I found out that our seats were on the field. I was stunned and delighted.

There were numerous antics from the fans around us. There was a fabulous man two rows ahead of us with a tongue piercing. There were two old guys cracking jokes with Tom all night. Behind us was a short, irritable woman who screamed at us to "sit the fuck down," even though every single row ahead of us was standing up... To our left, in section 108, there was a man in yellow in the very first row who very animatedly sang every Elton John song, sometimes to his miserable girlfriend. He was hilarious.

I think Billly Joel came out first, but I'm not entirely sure. The entire stadium erupted into cheers. Elton John came out, they bowed, hugged, sat down at pianos, and began playing Face2Face. I have no idea what order the songs were played in. Joel and John played together for maybe five or six songs, then Elton John took the stage solo. His guitarist had a new guitar for every song and a fan inexplicably always blowing his long, scraggly hair like in a Bollywood movie. Rocket Man was, by far, the longest song of the night. His jacket has a sequinned genie/waitress on it, his red, frameless glasses were bedazzled with real diamonds to spell "EJ," and his silver platform shoes had little colorful stars on them. He is quite the showman.

Billy Joel, on the other hand, is a dirty old man. He flexed, took off his jacket, swayed his pelvis, and was possibly the teeniest bit drunk. At one point, he shouted, this next song I'm going to play... doesn't mean shit... it's like... Louie Louie (which made me think of the shrimp). He started the intro to Hound Dog by Elvis Presley, but then started We Didn't Start the Fire. Because it was an extravagent concert, there were visuals flashing overhead to coincide with the lyrics of that particular song. On the line, "England's got a new queen..." they showed Elton John. Maybe halfway through his set, Billy Joel brought out one of his roadies from Chester to "sing a religious song." This old guy, very closely resembling Fat John of the high school's janitors, proceeded to sing "Highway to Hell" rather fantastically. Some of the old people around us who had not paid money to hear AC/DC sat down.

Elton John and Billy Joel came back together to sing. Elton had changed his jacket into one depicting him "Rocket Man," with all manner of glittery shooting stars. They played through some of their bigger hits, ending with Piano Man. During what should've been the last chorus, they stopped singing, and the whole stadium carried it out (mostly in tune!). Getting out of the stadium was a little troublesome, but we were in high spirits and not too eager to face the parking lot traffic. It was an utterly fantastic night. I got home before midnight too, which was nice.

Tom and I sang through most of the songs, Matt through a few.

Other Stuff

Pretty girls aren't allowed to say "Women should be comfortable with their bodies."
I miss hangin' out with Katie and Molly and Gina and Trisha (not at the same time).
Wednesday, I realized I have to "dress up" from my usual self to go shopping or I feel physically uncomfortable.
Clothes shopping makes me feel uncomfortable to some degree anyway.
I think the above is probably a bad thing, but it won't be a problem with credit cards.
I spent $10 for 9 pairs of earrings, $7 on a shirt, and $15 on my first new bra and underwear since last September.
That is more money that I have spent on clothes and jewelry for myself in the whole year since my $50 back to school shopping budget (not including Goodwill, gifts, and hand-me downs).
I have 5 ear piercings.
I don't think it's fair that Matt and I haven't been able to hang out one on one in damn near forever.
I know we're trying to resolve that, but it still sucks.
I think I own his old pogo stick now, but I left in their car after the concert.
I pogo'd 13 times in a row in the parking lot while tailgating.
I don't know how many I have to do in order to fulfill my pogo stick resolution.
I keep filling in Mrs. G on the latest gossip.
I knew mentioning Nick was not a good move, having already dated Dave.
Then, I had a lighter at the concert, specifically for concert waving though.
The Billy Joel/Elton John concert was absolutely phenomenal.
I'll write a full post about it.
There were 3 other GV kids I'm aware of who went independently of us.
I've been getting into really crazy music recently (by my former standards) .
It's awesome.
I've been downloading the complete Modest Mouse discography for 4 days.
I have felt simply alluring since going down the beach.
Although, I have been complimented to an outrageous degree.
(Not that I don't enjoy it...)
I know it's my blog and my whiny emo feelings are supposed to be the focus, but I use the word "I" too much, especially starting sentences.
Hangin' with Jeff later today. Mambo Weekend. Keith's band, Sunday. Nick, Monday. Party Tuesday. Party Wednesday. Brain stops. Future does not exist.
I cannot express how grateful I am to have gotten to know Molly, Stasi, Emily, and Nick, both for how amazing my life is because of them and enjoying the actual act of getting to know someone.
Also, new perspectives on old faces are incredibly interesting.
Next year, I would enjoy fluctuating between normal me, fancy days, sexy days, and themed weeks.
On August 9th, I will not have had an orgasm for 10 months.
I'm pretty sure it won't go that far.
WILL SMITH IS A THEIF (and I had no idea)!
(Sure, it's "sampling," something I entirely support, but still.)
I missed ultrafine black Sharpies.
Nobody but me has posted a blog in the last week.
I know Katie's down the beach, but it makes me self conscious.

Horny Fucking Teenager

I'm tired of waiting, being rational, and a tiny bit jealous that I will not give my virginity to a virgin. Of course, I understand. The most logical part of me says, "There is no especially significant difference between 1 & 2. It should be the decision to have to sex that should be respected and appreciated, not which time it is." This applies not just to my choice to have sex, but whatever partners I choose. I made a list of pros and cons factoring in numerous variables on whether or not to have sex. It's getting harder and harder to rationalize waiting when immensely pleasurable options keep presenting themselves. In the terms of How We Decide, I will react to a dopamine release in anticipation of immediate gratification rather than processing the decision with my frontal cortex. However, one of very many variables is that I realize that I am "not in my normal state" after the breakup with Jimmy, even if I don't consciously feel it. Frankly, nothing much has been normal, and I'm having fun in the chaos.

Aside spawned by that last line: For those I haven't talked to in a while: I have slowly and not accidentally moved away from the group, with a little bit of pushing. I understand my cause of the distance, and I'll come back. Right now, however, I'm very much enjoying the change of scenery.

Clarification of Aside: Above does not apply to Trisha, who I miss.

Excellent Afternoon

Today, Jeff picked me up around 1:30 to go to a bakery where Dana K. works in Bryn Mawr. It's called the Corner Bakery, and we found it will some terrible directions from both Dana and the GPS. However, upon arriving, Jeff got a very delicious brownie, I, root beer, and Dana an M&M cookie. Eventually, Jeff moved on to try their french toast, which was more like a slightly solid pudding of sugar and yummy. Dana had promised her friend she'd visit at the thrift store where she worked, and so we journeyed thus forth. I got a book of fairy tales by Tolstoy, and Jeff got two books of puzzles from NPR's puzzle master, Will Shortz. Leaving the thrift store, we went into an art store, where I stared amazedly and picked up two new ultrafine black Sharpies. Then we left to sit on a bench and complete a few of the puzzles. Jeff then drove Dana to her doctor's appointment, again, after many terrible directions. Jeff and I drove back, talking about people, the future, and the way of things. It was an excellent afternoon.

Unimaginable Morning

Emily U. and I had a most excellent sleepover Sunday into Monday. Smores, Mac n' Cheese, and popcorn preceded my first viewing of The Breakfast Club. Of course, as girls, myself as one who had been out of the loop for a week, gossiped. Unfortunately, I could feel a cold sore coming on and realized that I could not be salacious for a while. This wouldn't matter, except I was supposed to hang out with Nick F. any time after noon. I told him we couldn't be naughty because of my cold sore and asked if he even knew where I lived, but no response. From 2-4 I wandered around GV, consistently changing my destination and begrudging the abominable heat. After I got home at 4 with no response from Nick, I text'd him to ask if he had canceled on account of lip herpes. After a shower to clean off the gunk from walking outside for two hours, I took a nap. I was awoken by a text message from Nick at 6. He had just gotten up, as the Kites had band practice from 8PM to 6AM. We talked about rescheduling. Tuesday, I had reserved for hanging out with Jeff. Wednesday, we were going to Dorney. Thursday, was the Elton John/Billy Joel concert. Friday, Nick had a Dreamtheatre concert. I was at my mom's over the weekend. We elected to sneak out.

....... ............................ .........

He picked me up in the parking lot of the sale, already high and talking nonstop over a great selection of Queen and the Police. We smoked when we got to our destination, then began walking and talking. It was great conversation straight through the night. Sometimes I would play "don't fall off the curb" or "only take two steps in between the sidewalk lines." At one point, we were chillin' by a lake and there were bullfrogs making a tremendous racket. Some were great maestros of bass, and others with much higher pitched silly sounds. While we were sitting on a hill, the very distant shine of headlights began illuminating the street in front of us, so we jumped up to hide on the edge of the tree line. It wasn't a cop. There were very many sexually tense moments, but we only touched accidentally bumping into each other. He had to be home by 5, so at 3:30 we went to his car to listen to music. It was an absolutely incredible selection from the Police, Deep Purple, Queen, Vanilla Fudge, and then "the CD of cheese." This CD consisted of such cheesy hits as "Never Gonna Give You Up," "Pour Some Sugar On Me," and "I'm So in Love with You." During the last one, we both began singing it jokingly, but then belted it out. For 4 straight seconds, we were in great harmony and it was the most ridiculous sing along I have ever participated in. I tried looking out the sun roof for stars, so Nick tried to catch what I was looking at. He saw the reflection of the glass that let him look down my shirt. He dropped me off at the firehouse and we hugged and texted some afterwards. It was a fantastical morning. Every 20 minutes or so, I would think, "I can't believe this is really happening. This is what I meant to make a New Year's Resolution 'Make Interesting Choices.'"

The beach was exciting.
(Especially when we stayed up to watch the sun that never rose.)
I thought a lot.
I talked a lot.
I should've listened more, like I said I intended to.
I got cranky the last two days.
I asked for forgiveness.
She understood.
I am going to hang out with Nick Fava Monday.
I don't want it to be like Nick Kilmer.
I got my letter.
I listened to music.
I got my blink-182 tickets.
I listened to different music.
I am going for a walk.
There are things I have to do.

Today is the anniversary of Billie Holiday's death.

Strange Fruit Gives Me the Chills

Billie Holiday wrote a song, one of the few she authored herself, after she found her husband with lipstick on his collar. It is titled "Don't Explain." These are the situations were I am scared of the truth. It makes me feel weak, but human.

Stoof

I finally found out why the Liberty Bell is historically important and got my blink-182 tickets. I'm going to start an altered book. I'm not sure what the theme should be. One "Books On the Street," essentially, "read a book, read a book, read a motherfucking book" or "A Collection of Letters." I'm going to muse on it tomorrow. I was also trying to think of relating how books are dying and slow to convey information as compared to the internet. Maybe by making it a dinosaur. I dunno.

[Edit: The book I'm altering is Ulysses, so I might actually do the theme about how books are a home away from home or whatever, because the whole theme of Ulysses is him just trying to get home.]

Today, I had a fucking adventure

12 miles. Plus the tiny hike through the woods from point C to point A, after which point my shoes were soaked.

Rant: Sorta Coherent, Fades in and Out

"before my death I hope to obtain my
life."

I hate that I feel sexier when I wear make-up. I should be able to feel sexy without it. I don't like supporting this fashion industry. In my whole life, I have spent less than $5 on make-up, not including two vials of black and yellow nail polish that I wanted so I could paint my nails to look like bumble bees or the glow-in-the-dark polish I got for Halloween. My eye shadow and foundation were gifts from my aunts. I did not use the blush until I wanted to give Molly's figurine some color. I have not used the foundation. However, I have spent at least $30 of my parents' money to shave my legs and arms and hoohah. I wore no jewelry to prom. It's specifically sexy, though. I'm supposed to win guys with my personality, and I do consider myself on varying scales of attractive, depending on what I'm wearing, or what effect I'm going for. I want to tell everyone that it doesn't matter what you look like, the one who loves you will find you fascinating to stare at. Every curve and color, and it all blurs with tactile facets too. I, in all honesty, can't though, because I am proud of my genetics and lifestyle that have allowed me to live up to this standard of beauty. I love who I am, physically and in all other respects. There was a PostSecret with a venn diagram: "People Who Love Me, People Who'd Love to Fuck Me" and the words, "I fear that no one will be in the overlap again." Someone had replied to it, "My problem is, I can't find anyone I love and would love to fuck." They change everything and are so separate, but both so necessary, at least definitely at this young and raging with hormones stage. I have no experience saying at other times, but I think it's still similar.

Sunday, in the Park

Today, I walked to Bellevue from my mom's for the summer concert series. The band was very folky and from West Chester. They played "It Ain't Me" by Bob Dylan, which is maybe my third favorite song of his. I sang along. In between singing and scoping out two hotties (one with an Obama shirt, another with a Mt. Pleasant Band shirt), I would find this little girl staring at me and we giggled at each other. Eventually, her and her sister worked up the courage to ask me what my name was. I told them, and returned the question. I wasn't sure what they said, but I knew they were speaking French. We spent the next few minutes sitting, giggling, and me answering questions as they ran to their mom for "transduction." The older girl was 8, the younger 6. We played tag, and the only French I learned this whole time was how to call a time out. An older gentleman wanted to give the littlest girl a flower, and I told him they spoke French. He began asking a few questions in French, and they energetically responded. The younger girl had a leg brace and lift, because her right leg was shorter than the left. It was an amazing evening. I gave them my address, and they returned the favor. I'm going to ask Wasiq to help me compose a letter. They gave me pretty much the sweetest ego boost ever, because they took pictures of me for their vacation, and the American friend their parents were visiting told me that they were saying "tres belle," and that those sort of things shouldn't get lost in translation.
:]

Considering a Question Posed in Firelight

While everything said was true, I don't believe in "the one."

I like to think that I am aware of the transient nature of life, more so than most people. I have had days so beautiful, filled with activity and extreme emotion. There's that hypothetical, "If you had 5 minutes to live, who would you call and what would you say? Why haven't you said it yet?" Other than not being able to express who amazing my parents are, I feel like I've said everything. Maybe some people need it to be emphasized and clarified, but I try to live without secrets or hiding how I feel about people.

Closing Lines

"I don't want to loose you."
The spelling stung, but he was dumb and now I am loosened and it is wonderful.

"I still really care about you. We can talk about this whenever you need."
And now I am forgotten, my tongue tied.

"Do you want to try for something real, maybe later?"
No.

"I don't want to lose our friendship. ...take as much time as you need, and respond."
We never had a friendship.

The saddest thing in the whole world is knowing that despite all of the love still there, that this will be our last hug and feeling it end, very slowly, from a tight embrace, to merely standing there, holding hands.

Today

Today was awesome and the result of unfortunateness.
Jimmy hung out with Gabby all of yesterday, which was cool because I had to finish Molly's graduation gift. I asked him if he was free today, and he said, "No, I'm hanging out with Gabby again because she's leaving for Italy soon." Understandable, she leaves on the 13th, except that he's probably not going to want me back and I'll be leaving his life forever soon. Sorta in an effort to be mean, and sorta just because it's super fun to hang out with him, I txt'd Dan G. and asked what he was up to. We decided to hang out and frolic. The frolicking didn't happen, but we did bike around until eventually settling in to talk beneath a shady tree in Rob H. and Gab D.'s neighborhood. We talked about all sorts of interesting philosophical things, with promises to lend each other books and articles. Then we headed back to his house to meet up with Brandon, where they subsequently jammed. I was very excited to sit in on the jamming. Then we put french fries in the microwave, had "brownie bread," and Kool-Aid fruit punch. We decided to light sparklers on fire and have a water balloon fight, and I was conveniently wearing a bikini in case I decided to stop by Gina's. We had 17 water balloons and missed with probably 13 of them. Then we played "Civil Rights March" because Dan's hose looks like a fire hose from the south. It was fun and incredibly racist, but fun. We considered reenacting other tragedies, like the Hindenburg, but didn't. My pants were wet, and I am very proud to say that the only skinny jeans I have ever worn were Dan's. I just don't think they look very good on girls. Then we finally ate the french fries, tried to find people to come over, then sat in his front yard until Natalee and Kierstin showed up, followed by Taylor and Gabby. Dan, Brandon, and Gabby went inside at one point, leaving Taylor and I alone as Natalee and Kierstin left, and so we played volleyball, soccer, and catch with a basketball. It was a good time.

Thunderstorms
Waking up to a text message
Merry Dandelion Hunt
Making wishes on blue M&Ms
Having lots of green M&Ms
Disney movies
Vinyl Records
Doodling
Hipster fairytale alternative love stories like JUNO or Away We Go
How awesome art erasers feel
The way certain boys smell
Walking
Biking
The way trees look when they are full of sunlight
Shade in the summer
Hammocks
Lemonade
Stargazing
Finding shapes in the clouds
Sparrows
Playing guitar
Singing
Singing with friends
Making gifts for people
Writing letters
Making witty phrases or images
Reading
Climbing trees
Wearing pirate hats and [seasonally] scarves
Seeing people you've missed
Swimming
Wearing sexy clothes
Feeling sexy
Chuck Taylors
Oscillating fans in the summer
Sewing
Feeling productive
Writing love poetry
Making up songs
Free style rapping
Havin' money
Being proud of something
Acoustic guitar
Capo
Buttons
Fuzzy blankets
Painting
Stringed instruments
Sunglasses
My fancy camera
AWESOME music
Miniature things
Bandannas
Idealism
Holding hands
Tiki Torches
Live music
Feeling healthy
Fruit
Bread
Mac n' Cheese
Wind Chimes
Sitting down after standing up for a long time
Bein' a hipster
Learning
Reading Wikipedia
Reading poetry
Remembering
Trying to play harmonica
Talking to neighbors
Sunsets
Sunrises
Being awake before the birds
High heels [sometimes]
Callouses on my fingers
Vibraphones
Certain marimbas
Jack Kerouac
Music boxes
Cootie catchers
Long bus rides
Long car rides with friends
Blonde hair
Having fingers
Being able to breathe
Leaves in autumn
Old pictures
Sweaters
The perfect hoodie
Throw-back candy
90s Pop
Hot chocolate
Smores
Bonfires
Apple Cider
Milk and Cookies
PB&J
Fireworks
Lightning Bugs
Poetry & Literary tattoos
Kurt Vonnegut
PJs
Adventures
Christmas lights
Pictures of friends
Pictures from elementary and middle school
Bright colors
Beautiful prose
the word 'Incendiary'
Web comics
Science
The perfect resonating chord
Understanding a math or science concept for the first time
Having people worth biking to
The Beat Generation
Allen Ginsberg
Incense
There's oodles and oodles and oodles more I can't even begin to say or express or think of, but I have to go bike to a friend's house and frolic in the woods and maybe go to Wawa.
Wawa
Frolic'ing

I Am Amazing

all bo rock i d on ,

that's what it took to narrow down "It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)" on Bringing It All Back Home by Bob Dylan to "What a Catch, Donnie" from Folie a Deux by Fall Out Boy. Luckily, the first one is a long song. The genre is Rock.

[Edit: great line, "money doesn't talk, it swears."]

Very Muddled, Not Very Enjoyable Game

I play this new game with my iPod. I start on any song I want to hear, for example, Daughter, by Pearl Jam. I am very meticulous about having all of the correct information on my iPod, so it will also display the genre, Rock, the album, Vs., and maybe the composer. Then, I get it in my little head, that for whatever reason, I want to hear a particular song next, such as anything by Bright Eyes. Now, the band has published many albums, and is always of the genre "Alternative & Punk" or "Indie."

The game I try to play is, by the end of the first song, figure out what letters only those two songs or artists have in common. For example, to win this game, I eliminated all songs that did not have "ght" in them. That narrowed it to 70 out of 500 on the playlist I was on. Then I went for "ea," because of the Bright Eyes album which has the word "ear" in it, which made the count 7. Then I specificed to "ear." Then I added a D. Then a period. Then it was only two Bright Eyes songs and Daughter. Sometimes it is very hard.

Pablo Neruda

that that house is empty
and wants nothing to do with you,
your stories mean nothing,
and if you insist on being gentle,
the dog and the cat will bite you.

And something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
deciphering
that fire,
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
nonsense,
pure wisdom
of someone who knows nothing,
and I suddenly saw
the heavens
unfastened
and open.

I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees.

Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

I like for you to be still: it is as though you were absent,
and you hear me from far away and my voice does not touch you.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

the rain repeatedly spattering
its words and drilling them full
of apertures and birds.

He learned the alphabet of the lightning

shut up the stars and bury the ash in the earth;
and, in the rising of the light, wake with those who awoke

Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond.
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.

I'm not sure what the graffiti speed has to be to replay in real time it took to draw it, but my most recent would be rather long.

[Edit: I found the "Stat" function on graffiti. I used 85 colors and it is a total of 175 meters of line.]

Huh...

In 1998, teenagers from Portland, Oregon, celebrating high school graduation held a wet T-shirt contest on a Boeing 727 to a Mexican resort . A flight attendant encouraged the activity. An FAA investigation followed, as pilots supposedly judged the contest on the flight deck, disregarding rules that passengers are not allowed in the cockpit. A video showed contestants emerging from the cockpit wearing wet T-shirts. The FAA disciplined the pilots for sexual misconduct.^[1]

Ugly Sunset by Ethic

Sunset, ducking beneath that horizon
what are you so afraid of?
it gave me goosebumps
undeniably dramatic
moonlight
pouring rain
whipping wind
one last breath
she rose out of that lake like silhouetted sea creature
polaroid proof
damaging my internal organs like soundwaves

if there ever was a moment to be labeled poetic
this was it
she was everything
and we were endless

and now she's nailing some other guy and
I'm trapped between the foreground and the background
as the only guy she knew
who could make her tingle
the breakup gave me acupuncture wounds in all the wrong places
which felt less like a sacred chinese method of release and relaxation
and more like being jabbed with a bunch of little fucking needles

so this
is to that sunset
which claims to be beautiful
with it's shapes and shades and mystical colors but really
it's one ugly motherfucker
that sunset
has put an end to more beautiful days than you care to count
that sunset
is the reason for teen curfews and little girls being taken from their homes
that sunset
is the cause of evil worldwide

fuck that thing
you can paint your canvas and snap your photos,
but I sumbit
that that is one ugly sunset

that sunset
and all of its hideous glory
barked death threats at me
and told me that if I thought it was so fucking ugly that I shouldn't look at it
and if I thought these feelings were too painful
then I shouldn't write poetry about them

I look at that sunset
because even ugly is beautiful
and humanity holds no standards
so kissing the audience with my break up poem is not self indulgence
it's taking something ugly
and painful
and heartbreaking beyond comprehension
and showing you just how fucking beautiful
life can be
so go ahead sunset
keep causing death and destruction and darkness
masking it as beauty
and go ahead baby
make me jealous
pluck my nerves and
yank those fucking tears out of me
I appreciate beauty
no matter how difficult it is to find

I hope you
can do the same

ugly sunset
ducking beneath that horizon
what are you so afraid of?

I might ask him to take me back.
I'm only hesitating uncertainly to make sure I really want this.
I don't think he'll say yes.

My Goodbye Was Not So Lovely

I'll miss you, but only in the happiest way possible. Good bye, Chloe. I love you, and I will never forget you. You've given me self-confidence I will never lose and made me smile more than anyone else ever has. I don't mean to be unoriginal, but it's the perfect way to say what I want to. Thank you for the adventure. Every moment was unforgettable and beautiful and I'm so very happy you trusted me and shared a part of your life with me. Thank you.

It didn't have to end.
Now I'm reading Pablo Neruda.

"Ready or not, here they come. It's zombie time."

I found my "artsy notebook" recently, and was very amused by what I had written.

My brother got caught with pot because Brandon does not have common sense.

I went for a walk to Wawa, then biked to Jimmy's last night.

I meant to get Peachy Gummies, but for some horrible reason grabbed caramel creme chews.

My walk was for nothing except thinking.

2/3 of the way finished another one of my New Year's Resolutions.

The Gaslight Anthem has the perfect sound for bein' a reber.

This summer is turning out well. It's interesting.

Today Felt Like Summer

I woke up at noon.
I did internet stuff.
I folded two loads of laundry.
I biked to Gina's house.
We went swimming.
We lounged in the water.
We went to get ice cream.
It was yummy.
We listened to the Pokemon Master CD.
We boogied to the dance remix.
We got back to her house.
I picked up my stuff.
I biked back home.
I sat outside and read.

[Edit: Checked my SAT scores. Feel I did comparatively well.]

Bar Chords Suck

I've been playing guitar a lot.
My wrist hurts.
My fingers have callouses.
This is awesome.

Myrtle Beach: Act & Observation

I read 4 books in 3 days and forgot how it feels to adore reading with every fiber of my body.
(I have more secret dreams than before)

I am sunburnt.
("The only thing more fleeting than summer is childhood")

I told Matt I loved him and didn't mean it in a romantic way.
(I love the right people the wrong amounts)

Breakfast here consists of a mango and toast.
(I adore bread and fruit)

I went swimming in the pool and concentrated on how it felt to move underwater.
(It felt like being high, but without the breathing)

I skinny dipped in the ocean.
(It was awesome)

I purposefully tanned for the first time.
(It sucks)

All of my relatives have drunken conversations about Palestine/Israel or global poverty or the perfect humanity of Obama.
(I don't play enough drinking games None actually)

I miss everyone.
(I want so much to be a hipster)

The most fun I've had at the Wilmington Chase Center was when Jeff and I went to meet Matt at robotics and then checked out the Wilmington Health Fair and sat in on a seminar about being young and black.

Firefly

My life will be one flash of bioluminescent light. Maybe nobody will see or remember the flash, and then it's over. Perhaps it will be the first one someone sees of summer. It could be in a jar, as everything else is slowly suffocating. Though unlikely, perhaps my tiny, insignificant life will flash right over the top of some kid's head as they ride their bike and try to remember every summer they've ever had and it will look like a shooting star.

P.S. It's also a TV show I have to watch with Matt

Hurt is the same in past and current tense in the plural.
"My fingers hurt so much."
"Her lungs hurt so much."
"These memories hurt so much."

I miss things I can't explain, like college football or Clockstoppers.

Life is Repeating

I played guitar for an hour and a half. I missed it so much.
I sneaked out of the house last night at midnight and biked to the Darlington Arts Center to relive my memories, partly fulfill my New Year's Resolution, and to collect a sample of the periscope leaf.
I've already heard the things Jimmy is saying. Exactly. I have a record of it in my private blog. When we hang out, I try to avoid sitting in the same positions Dave and I did. I'm creepy and remembering things enables me to act on it.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close keeps making me cry.
I'm such an emo...
Emo is one of the first slang terms that I distinctly remember misusing and learning. Now it's scene.
It's almost summer again.
I'm having trouble falling asleep again.
Those feelings I put away from me are coming back again.

The Weekend

During my Memorial Day Party, Emily U. invited Jeff to her birthday party, which was June 6th from 8 to 12. They had just met, but it looked like it was going to be a fun night, so Jeff said he would consider driving up for it if he had a place to crash because he didn't really want his parents to know he came up just for that. Finally, June 6th rolls around and I have SATs. I reasoned the shit out of them, but skipped a math problem. :( After that, I took a nap. Jimmy and I had fought that Thursday and we didn't really talk. Justin S. had a grad party from 3 to 8, and I knew it would be awkies, but I knew I was leaving early. Because the internet is exploding at my house, I had to call to get directions. It was very straightforward, almost literally from my house to his. I showed up at 4 and no one was there, including most of his family. Eventually, Abby showed up. We gossiped, played badminton, and had a pretty alright time, considering we were at Justin's awkward grad party. She gave me a ride home before the show in West Chester, because Jeff was still about an hour off. I ate dinner in the downtime. Then, the sunset was so gorgeous and gold, that I climbed on top of the office and listened to music to watch it go down. I started singing Lizzy, and that's when Jeff arrived. He climbed up on the shed with me, and we talked. He thought he could hear the band warming up, but Emily's house is VERY far away for sound to travel. It was because the radio was on in the barn. It was almost dark when we jumped off and headed over to her house. My brother and Shannon were already there. This is the first party we were both legitimately invited by the host. It was weird. The pool was very cold. Kate and I were the first ones to jump in, then quickly into the hot tub. Jack (Emily's little brother) and I had water wars, but had to be careful of not electrocuting the bands. I managed to get Wasiq to commit to going into a pool with me once he finished P-90X. It was a GREAT party. Closer to 11, the remaining cool people, including Emily, went upstairs to her room to talk because of the noise from the bands. It was rather great conversation, and Emily very much enjoyed getting to know Jeff. He didn't make a move on her. She was surprised and delighted. Once a majority of the people were leaving, Emily was required to be downstairs to say goodbye to guests. Luke and Brandon were playing popular hits on guitar. It became a beautiful sing-a-long. I finished a line to Scotty Doesn't Know by myself and then got quiet because nobody else knew the words. Katie played Hallelujah on guitar and we sang along. It was very intimate and wonderful. Jeff and I were hoping to stay later at the request of Emily, but my dad required me home. He asked if that was okay, I said, "No, not really, but I'll abide by your rules." My dad laughed a little. Once Jeff drove me home, he showed me this song and we talked. I got him a sleeping bag; but while we were conscious, we talked on my bed. I really missed him and enjoyed catching up. I think I talked the most, but it felt really good to finally say what I've been meaning to. I'm not used to not saying everything I feel like. We woke up at 20 of 10 because we wanted to go out for breakfast and I had graduation at 11:45. Coffee Station. He had french toast, pancakes, and chocolate milk. I had pancakes. I think I'm going to make chocolate milk now.

"Bad" Things I Have Done Recently

1. Made fun of Hannah
2. Bought pot from my brother
3. Pretended I sent my articles to Lauren. S
4. Lied to Trisha in saying I was completely done our project
5. Wanted to renege my commitment to try to fall in love with Jimmy
6. Became mildly jealous of Gabby I.
7. Cried a single emo tear during UP
8. Had a boy sleep over my house (!) (It was just Jeff)
9. Trash talked Nick
10. Talked all through graduation
11. Called Amanda E. a fat heifer
12. As well, called Jordan L. a cunt
13. Stared at Dave when he played guitar
14. Wondered, "Will I ever have such a lovely, impromptu jam session with such wonderful people again?"
15. Had a boy in my bed from roughly 1 to 3 AM (!) (It was just Jeff again. We talked.)
16. (Sexually) Harassed Wasiq
17. Told Racist Jokes
18. Pretended my phone was on silent to avoid a call
19. Stayed out past curfew
20. Ate dinosaur gummies in the SAT testing room.
21. Spoke about the SAT questions

Feeling Things

Jimmy and I had a "fight" this morning from around midnight to 3AM. I was very sad, then grumpy and angry and resentful. I rode his bus in the morning and I'm mostly better now, but I can still feel the effects of the fight in our texts. He's sad I won't fall in love with him. It all makes me sad. I am cold and sleepy and I dislike my mom's "new house." It's one room we actually have things of our own in. I'm usually outside, but it's raining.

P90X with Wasiq in Strength and Conditioning is awesome. There were 8 kids doing the work out today in gym. My abs hurt so much and I'm totally jacked for a girl (but I knew that).

I completely and totally apologize to Abby for not being a friend the last few months. I missed her.

Matt and I are going to see UP tomorrow. I missed him too, but differently.

Other things make me very sad recently. I used to not be so emotional. I miss that.

[edit: I got my ear pierced yesterday and I texted Dave two days ago and I asked him to hang out with me one time over the summer and he said, "well of course I can't just say no..." and I felt much better because I do want his friendship back, but this was mostly an exercise in getting closure. That's what I wanted to dare myself to do. I wasn't as scared about getting him to sign my yearbook because of it.]

Thoughts

Have you ever been so close to a bird you saw it swallow? Because I have. Twice.

Why was I never given the experience of a pogo stick as a child?

"Best friends" describes two people, and so does a couple, but why is couple singular and best friends plural? I think it enhances "oneness."

We won't have to worry about the walnuts anymore.

There are things I could dare myself to do and not regret. But I won't, because if I did, there wouldn't be a safety net of "but she dared me."

If I were to lie out with you, I would say, "I can't see the forest." And maybe you would say, "That's because there aren't any trees here, Chloe." And then we would plant a tree together.

I don't know why humans got embarrassed about singing. If whales were embarrassed about their singing voices, they wouldn't be able to reproduce. It should be the same way with humans.

I still want to scream obscenities and yell about every wrong that has ever been perpetrated against me and shake my fists at you in the hallways just to get the anger out. I wouldn't mean it, of course. It's not really you I'm yelling at. I don't think it ever is.

The skeletons in my closet have gotten out and donned party hats to parade about my yard as entertaining stories.

Yes, "participation trophies" devalue awards earned by merit.

If I sent a letter to everyone I loved, I think only two or three of them would have expected what I wrote. I might try this. There is something romantic about letter writing and Polaroid cameras.

"There's a bright flash. Brighter than the sun. Brighter than anything you've ever seen." I imagine it's like the opposite of complete darkness, but with white instead of black.

"Again." But maybe not many more times if I have my way.

I accidentally cleared the play count on Soco Amaretto Lime on Wish You Were Here. They were 50something and 83 plays each respectively.

A Softer World is coming to Philly on Tuesday at the anarchist book store I job shadowed. I want to go back.

I told my mom that "I felt like such a hipster," with my laptop, books, Chuck Taylors, and veggie burgers. She thought that meant yuppie.

I'm at a loss what to write that will be meaningful and truthful, but it doesn't matter. There is no surface to write on.

Tremble like a child, or maybe a flower, makes it seems like it's not okay to tremble like yourself, or like a frightened young adult.

'I' messages

I feel hurt and betrayed when I misunderstand an agreement and fulfill my half, and am not compensated in the way that I believed to be the original intent.

I feel disappointed and cold when I shy away or cannot think of anything to say.

I am elated and pleased when I am confronted by humor and intelligence many times a day.

I am cynical when I am compared to a standard that was not set by me.

"he knows that breaking into a cemetery and making love under the stars will make for a more memorable moment than watching TV ever could."

I want to make reference to everything I learned this weekend, but there is so much I did and so much I learned.

"Whatever a man prays for, he prays for a miracle. Every prayer reduces itself to this: Great God, grant that twice two be not four."

I'm doing it. I'm going to try for art.

"In the real world, you must wear shoes."

The future feels very near, as if the summer sun will set and rise in autumn again in an instant and my memories won't stick. This summer will never match my perfect summer, but goddamn will I try. Strangely, in looking to the future, it is juxtaposed with the past. Last year I discovered freedom of movement. I can bike or walk anywhere I want. There are planes, trains, and automobiles for everything else. Unfortunately, I never have a destination. It's all for the point of walking. Maybe I'll branch out. As graduation draws ever closer and I'm scared that my grip on Molly is loosening and I will lose her. I know that won't happen, but it's still an anxiety that creeps upon me in the mornings when I am with Jimmy and not talking to her. He wrote me a letter more touching and absolutely heart wrenching than anything ever said about me. Reading it makes me tear up. I simultaneously feel like a good and wicked person. I wrote a reply love poem to Kevin V. in English class, but of course, he wasn't my inspiration. However, he is writing a response to my reply. The school year drawing to a close forces me to look at my preparations for college and lack thereof. My first SATs are in June, I have no SAT IIs yet, and my only As this semester are in gym. The rest are Cs, not even Bs. Hopefully my AP scores will validate me, but I think that all I can hope for are 4s. I didn't get into AP Calc, so I'm taking Topics and art classes. Right now it looks like I won't be in the same classes as the people I've shared classrooms with for 4 years. Maybe bungling my schedule around will manage to get me into the right courses, but somehow I doubt it. My mind has been preoccupied with personal matters and I've been crying a lot. I tear up so easily in this new year. I want to be colder. I miss logic so much. In contrast, I miss art even more.

If the real world requires me to wear shoes, I hope I never wake up from this adolescent dream.

I haven't bear wrestled since August 3rd, the morning everyone + Calculus went to West Chester Diner for breakfast. I missed it.

I remember stupid everything.

e. e. cummings was quoted on itsonlythewind twice today, and it was beautiful, so I look him up on Wikiquote.

Pictures of Walls is my new favorite "hipster" website. I miss graffiti.

I'm going to have a birthday party I have decided.

Next Friday, a good deal of time before prom, I am going to bike to Chartwell to bother the Day twins on their birthday and chill with Kevin V.

His poem was beautiful up until the point where we had to share.

Today is Jimmy and my three month anniversary.

For whom does the bell toll? It tolls for anyone who cares to know the hour. Also, it's only a recording of a bell.

Today was gorgeous.

Strange Things in My Room

Half a baby doll from The Dresden Dolls concert
Water from The Fountain of Youth
USSR Veteran's pin that says "BETEPAH"
Flowers that I've dried
Dancing Lederhosen
Edgar Allen Poe action figure
Jars of dirt
Electric mandolin
Bug vacuum
"Chicken Chucker"
Hedgehog made out of corn husks
Fuzzy diary
M&Ms de Espana
The broken innards of a music box
Train whistle
Record player and albums
Ready made tie-dye bottles
Bag of Alconox with pink ribbon
Untouched neon green shoe laces
Bills from 4 countries, but not the US...

Time Trumpet

BBC has great programming and damn the British for being clever.

[Tony Blair]

Recent, Trivial Observations

My sexy, red prom dress doesn't have a color swatch with it. I noticed on Wednesday, but didn't think it was very important until I learned I am helping with tux shopping.

While I have never followed a strict schedule of biking, walking, participating in gym class, eating healthy(ish)/my vitamins, and drinking lots of water, my loose enjoyment of those things makes the dress incredible on me.

Something that irritates me, though I know it's easier, is to call junior prom simply "prom."

To my great relief, it is very difficult to overcook KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese so long as there is still water in the pot.

Record players look waaaaaay more badass when surrounded by posters of bands that released on vinyl. Also, they're more BA than CD players.

Hannah reminds me of me from freshman year, but only in one, unfortunate regard.

Sarah and I haven't been in best regards recently, so it's killing me that I can't do anything to make her feel better.

I sent my email to the Smothers Brothers' publicist to hopefully convey my request for an interview, and I have no idea how to write a formal letter without sounding incredible pretentious.

Jeff is home!

Stockholm Syndrome

Today I biked to Emily's house for girl talk, and by definition, we talked about boobs, boys, and related activities. Talking to Emily, I wish I had more of a history. Her little brother, Jack, is really cute.

"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious."
-Oscar Wilde

"I know not with which weapons world war 3 will be fought. But world war 4 will be fought with sticks and stones" - Albert Einstein

The only thing more frightening than nuclear apocalypse is the possibility of a zombie apocalypse following it.

Brick Stairs, Mornings, and Birds

In elementary school, before I left in the mornings, my dad and I would sit outside the kitchen on the brick stairway, whisper, and throw bread to the birds. Eventually, the sparrows became rather emboldened and would venture as far as the bottom step in search of yummies. My house faces W-NW, and because of this, the sun rises on the opposite side of the stairway, casting shadows over these encounters. Ambient lighting provided for a high degree of visibility, but not much brightness. In 6th grade, I came to a new school with new, significantly earlier time to get up in the morning and my dad and I wouldn't sit out on the stairs anymore. The birds don't come around so much anymore.

I miss reading

"if they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers."
-Gravity's Rainbow- Jeff

"i'll be there...with my uh...'pen'. Haha."
-Wasiq