What do I like?

I have flaunted my lack of passion and ambition in this world to those who would be disappointed to hear it. Lazy simplicity brings a warm, sleepy contentment that dwells for hours, and companionship the pleasure of forgetting everything beyond the simply lazy. If those are things that bring me happiness, how can I possibly earn a living from that? I have no pride in my achievements. The barely recent accomplishments which I hold most dear are the placement of HERSHEY on the snowy banks of GV, taking third highest scoring individual in Villanova Quizbowl, and being called the poster child for mallet percussion by an instructor from a school even ours can deem sub-par. I dream of distance and escaping the fate that everything here must come to an end, whether or not before its time. Perhaps at college I will find my calling. Maybe I will discover it was not college actually calling. My parents continually express distaste at my potential life choices. Cultural history appeals to me, but daily practicing it in any form of income earning profession would bore. Psychology and the mysterious origin of mind has perplexed me beyond any other subject, but I am disgusted by people. Sex counselor hasn't been brought up. But if I do wind up becoming a stripper and living in a van, I hope that van will have enough gas to get me close to finding something I want.

"But in the hereness of dusk I am moving toward the doomlike bells through the flowered air, beneath the rising moon."

92% Full Requires I clear things out

Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
-Dave

That's so cute and little-kid. Cheerios and chocolate. I love it. Did you do anything else noteworthy today besides watching movies?
-Dave

I don't mean to be impatient for a response but I'm really tired. Busy afternoon I guess. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks for everything you've done to make me the happiest dude in the state. :] Sleep well and sweet dreams, Chloe. I love you. <3
-Dave

Haha word to that babe! I'd "hypothetically" "produce viable offspring" with you any day of the week. Let's give Lamark some credibility and adapt!
-Dave

You've never had a Filaffle?!? Holy shit Chloe we're getting Filaffles a.s.a.p.! What you're describing sounds just like Filaffle bread. They're incredible!
-Dave

P.S. I'd rather you fuck social norms than fuck me. Who needs them anyway?
-Dave

I believe all of that 100%. I can say that I really felt something different when we said goodbye on Friday night in my dad's driveway. Your mom kind of interrupted, but the love and the trust felt like it was all there. Maybe some kind of progress. Any truth to that?
-Dave

I certainly will, Chloe, and I trust you will as well. I'll see you in the morning. I love you. Goodnight. <3
-Dave

Grammar doesn't really concern me, that's still a great way to end the night. :] Enjoy your daily dose of existentialism. See you tomorrow. Goodnight love. <3
-Dave

I can't get enough of that goofy grin. :] Get that much needed rest. Have awesome dreams and I'll see you tomorrow one way or another. I love you. <3 x0x0
-Dave

Okay. That's a shame, really, considering nobody else is likely to be home at that time.
-Dave, in reference to:

"If you come over any time before 1:30 I'll probably be in the shower :P" -Dave
"As much as I'd love to stumble upon you in that condition in the future, I don't believe I will make it over before then." -Chloe

The Types of Notes I Write

Very often in class, or in any of my freetime, I will take a piece of paper and write, in tiny font, cursive or print, the swirling thoughts which have lately been inspired by Dave. This is something similar, as I do occasionally reference this tendency in my work. I've recently taken to answering the question, "How are you?" not with "good," "ok," or another term of relative indifference, but with "Fantastic," or "Excellent." This general haze of happiness is intermittently punctuated by moments of manic anxiety or late night melancholy. But since my birthday, the contented peace I've been living with is sublime. There have been times I worry I am not seeing my friends as often as I should, but I made attempts at remedying that this weekend. My change has already come to pass, I am very aware. My priorities have shifted from the last time I took notice. Perhaps it was a gradual transition, and I cannot find Dave an influence for my waning interests, but perhaps it is in a way I do not realize.

1. First and foremost, loyalty among friends and the time to develop it.
Sweet nothings for Sarah and Gina. Music, politics, communism, and the world before us in the presence of Nicki. Frustrated rants on school, band, relationships, and the general time of things with Abby. Particle physics, the scum of the internet, and all the general, hilarious irony I can find for Matt. Questioning art and exploration of my beloved Viv in Philly. Angry musings and silly, secret realizations with Trisha. Keeping up with each other and general sharing of experience with my big brother figure, Jeff. Even making sure I interact with my real brother figure, Jack.
2. Secondly, my breath taking romantic interest, Dave
There was no particular friendship to speak of, before our venture into whatever beautiful relationship we have. Despite this, the simple happiness and wild pleasure he inspires brings such a comfort to not feel so very alone. Unique in ways I can only dream, his intellect is on a plane unlike any I have met, and a humor of a more refined, and slightly more relevant, Steve Goff. I am in very few ways equal, but this conglomeration of quirks and behavioral oddities makes me comfortable as only a small number have achieved.
3. Marching Band
Strange as it is, with my desperate dislike of the original songs, a greater dislike of how dissimilar our rewritten music is, and the time dedication, I hold it in very high regard. Our two freshmen are exemplary personalities I have failed to connect with. Though I hope an introductory party will change that.
4. Hi-Q
Maybe it's only so high because there have been no other major organization I would dedicate my time to, but there has been a severe decline in my interest for this particular establishment. Personality clashes especially, and the recent "innovations" in our memorization practices have a lot to do with it, but it's also the very distinct change from what it felt like my freshman year.
5. Indoor Drumline
Only so far because it is not a direct issue time-wise, the decimation of our potential members pool has caused significant morale issues among everyone, including the still cumbersome pit. Outstanding personalities with general talent have left, and the void is not being replaced by students eager to fill it.
6. Speak UP
Also relegated to such a low position simply because the other organizations are of more direct importance. The numbers of this group have caused issues with distractions that otherwise cannot be overcome. But rather than informed students with ideas to discuss and question, there are loud, unrelated comments that, while hilarious, serve no purpose.
7. Schoolwork?
I'm sticking it to the man with very negative reflections on my grades
I wish I had art class instead of math.

Throw Family somwhere in there and you got me about covered.

Spirit Fingers

"Meh it was an okay sleep. Haha I just got "a request to take a leave of absence" (fired). :P"
-Dave

"Yay! (spirit fingers)"
-me

"Lol spirit fingers."
-Dave

"Ow I just burned my spirit fingers on a hot plate from the microwave."
-Dave

"I was like "Ah my spirit fingers!" and my dad called me a faggot."
-Dave

":\ I almost said "Not these spirit fingers!" accompanied by the shocker, but then I imagined the ensuing conversation and thought better of it."
-Dave

Maybe I won't skip Homecoming. I have to use that damned dress sometime. I'd always like to wear it to school over jeans with a sweater though. While I knew we could slowdance not at the dance, and we'd have to put up with the rest of the horrible music, they might play Never Gonna Give You Up.

The Summary of My Most Wonderful Friday

"Tuxeuhffblllehhph. :P"

I Love You

I loved Joe, I did, but being my first boyfriend I would never had said so, fearing I would scare him away. Yet, love prevailed, and on one special occasion he texted me, "I love you." I don't know if I had ever been more elated; having my love returned and being worthy of love and being loved in any sense of the word. I told him that I felt the same way for him and how incredibly happy I was that we shared these feelings. I was soaring and skipping and flying and breathless all day in my bliss. However, less than 24 hours later he took it back, and suddenly I didn't feel so worth loving anymore. I still loved him, and sometimes said so, but he never told me again. I wasn't heartbroken, but it did hurt quite a lot.

......... ....... ........

Dating Dave, I tried so hard not to love him, despite everything fantastic about him and his ability to sound and act like the hero from a romance novel. I felt that if I could keep my happy indifference towards him, that it wouldn't hurt so much when he was left with only the indifference. If I loved him and the love wasn't returned, or was eventually taken back, my heart might have broken. I had assumed, from his string of relationships, that perhaps I would be someone fun to hang out with and perhaps someday a belt notch. I was willing to play that part if I could stay with him for as long as possible. Never had I dreamed that he is capable of finding love for me. It left me speechless, and even what I said minutes later was stupidly, stammeringly cheesy. Somewhere inside me, I didn't believe him still, but the thought of him taking it back brought tears to my eyes. Everything about him is worth liking or loving, and for gaining those two things, the rest is tolerable at the least. I don't believe I will ever find such an ideologue of hilarious genius.

Because he could find love for me, and make me feel worthy of it, I have found love for him and for not taking it back.

I'll figure it out

and someday I'll be able to list the nouns and adjectives and feelings that have me all a'flutter, but for now, it's a verb.

Hippocratic means of or pertaining to Hippocrates
hypocratic is not a word
and hypocritic doesn't apply

I think I'm going to suck his dick.
&
I've never been happier for such a period of time.
&
I'm glad I'll get to keep my title.
&
I'm skipping Homecoming.
&
I'm really glad he'll still make me laugh when we break up.

090508

Yesterday I spent about two and a half hours in school with Dave, and possibly spoke to him for ten minutes tops. However, after school we hung out at his house and watched this horrific horror movie, Screamers. It didn't have a plot, but it did have bad CGI, bad stop-motion animation, and terrible acting. We watched it for about an hour, but decided it wasn't even worth watching. This whole time I had my head on his shoulder. We hadn't even kissed yet that day. It was around 4:30, and because I had to be at band by five we wanted to find something else to do. His mom suggested we walk the dog, and because of the shade and breeze it was a pretty pleasant experience. However, Ruke (rhymes with Duke, I don't know the spelling) refused to do his business and we spent like twenty minutes coaxing him to relieve himself. When we got back I had to grab my stuff and go, but I'd see Dave at the game. The bus ride was fun, the game was good, I had a lot of fun, and screamed my lungs out. Dave rode the band bus home and Mr. DeMarro acknowledged him with sociability. I wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid of chipping a tooth with the turns the bus was taking, so we talked to Christian for some of the trip. Getting back I put my stuff away, walked out to the office with him, we shared our first and last kiss of the day and he left. His mom had been in the parking lot and saw us.

A pretty normal story, but I was told that about an hour and a half after I left his house, Dave's step dad came home and walked the dog. Upon arriving home a little while later, unable to convince the dog to poop because there wasn't anything left, he asked if Dave had walked the dog earlier. Yeah, around five. "Did Chloe happen to be with him?" Yes, where's he going with this? I don't know the exact words, but his step dad discovered a used condom at the bottom of the hill and we did spend twenty minutes out "walking the dog." Neither of his parents believed him. An exact quote from his mom was, "The couch wasn't good enough for you?" The clincher is the first words as Dave got in the car that evening were, "My god, Dave. Haven't you had enough of her in public already?" We spent about six hours together and made out for under ten seconds and that's what I get for it.

Txts I feel bad about posting, but they're so adorable I had to...

Hakuna Matata transcends Disney! It's a legit African phrase! But Lion King is fantastic. Don't think for a minute that this lessens my deliberate disassociation with Walt Disney.
-Dave

Sometime I want a nap in that hammock. I've been tempted to doze off before. It's not particularly comfortable, but it's so relaxing....
-Dave

I'd go starving photographer. But photography pay fairly well as compared to other forms of art, so a more accurate phrase would probably be "uncomfortably hungry photographer." And if it came right down to it, I would totally patronize you. If you weren't already sharing the van with me. :P
-Dave

Haha I thought the same thing but I didn't want to be super lame! You complete me! :D I also heard many Is and Ss.
-Dave, in reference to The Mating Game in Bio where a wolf spider was sending tapping signals which both of us immediately referenced to Morse Code

HEAEH!!!! HE- HE- HE- HEEEAAAEEEHHHH. *creepily* heeeeaaaaeeeehhhh....
-Jeff

I just typed half a text about how I cared about my reputation and then I realized that was dumb and I deleted it. I like the idea of acceptance. And I'd rather be embarrassingly lame with you than 400 megafonzie cool with anyone else!
-Dave

I don't care what people think any more now than I ever have in the past. Probably less actually, because I have everything I cold want at the moment.
-Dave

(Not literally at the moment, because right now I'm at my house and you're at your house...)
-Dave

Haha that's so doable! What did you think I was working toward with that dumb Hopscotch analogy? :P
-Dave

First words spoken upon entering the car: My god, Dave. Haven't you had enough of her in public by now?
-Dave, on Dave's mom*

Fucking sweet! Haha I never knew that rule was mutual! I just assumed it was one of those rules guys made up and then were basically unable to enforce.
-Dave, on "you give one you get one"

Wow, even the date. Ironically, if it was at night, you might have crossed over midnight and into February 19th, my birthday!...
-Dave

*There's a story behind this

Hakuna Matata

I was not scared or worried about these tales of lack of a remorse and attachment. In fact it made me glad I wasn't the only one. At least once a day I've remembered there is a goodbye in our future. But astonished by the fact he picked me only makes every day until then better.

Cyanide and Happiness I'd like to find later

Female Empowerment
Any relationship I may ever have
Super Hero Man
I'd Agree
Disease Joke
For Molly
Damn Bears
It would make sense if he was a girl
The New Yorker
Fuck the New Yorker
PIGS
Power Outage
<3
I'd do it
Again
I've done it
More Cowbell
Violence is sometimes the answer
Protection: Use It
The Powers of Alcohol
Random Thoughts
Sammiches
Which One Will be Me?
He's a Lefty
Yes, yes I should if I haven't already
More Jokes of the Same
Waldo
Not Waldo
The Hitcher
More Female Empowerment
The Majority of AP Chemistry
And this existed before Pineapple Express
Holiday: 4/27
If Only
Almost Happened
Halloween
I'd Deal with This

OH the IRONY

1.	Creeper	629 up, 101 down
	A person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. usually a close friend or relative. you know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. it is not hard to spot the creeper. jeff was the "creeper" in the background This would be the first entry for "Creeper" in urbandictionary. Note the example.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Hemingway's famous six word short story. He distinguishes it his best work. Since then, other authors, particularly sci-fi, have attempted their own of the sort and a few were collected at this website. So maybe some are five words and some are seven, these are my favorite.

From torched skyscrapers, men grew wings.
- Gregory Maguire

It cost too much, staying human.
- Bruce Sterling

Rained, rained, rained, and never stopped.
- Howard Waldrop

“I couldn’t believe she’d shoot me.”
- Howard Chaykin

Despite disorders, jafroed jewboy gets girl.
- Michael Eisner

Thought I would have more impact.
- Kevin Clark

Heaven falls. Details at eleven.
- Robert Jordan

Please, this is everything, I swear.
- Orson Scott Card

whorl. Help! I'm caught in a time
- Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel

Dorothy: "Fuck it, I'll stay here."
- Steven Meretzky

Will this do (lazy writer asked)?
- Ken MacLeod

English Examples

Pun- “I have Che Guevara on my ‘change purse.” Also note, irony.

Double Entendre- “As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language.” –Uncyclopedia.org

Simile- “He was grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ wasps.” –Viv/Meg D

Metaphor- "Your mom's a station wagon."

Analogy- “Guys, well they’re sorta like a bottle rocket.” –Jeff Foxworthy

Zeugma- Michael Phelps earned a new Olympic record and Cecilia’s heart.

Apposition- Chloe, possibly the laziest person in the class, had a lot of fun with these examples

Hyperbole- "There must have been about a million bees on my sister's swingset." -Somethingawful.com

Understatement- The Russian Revolution was a mild capitalism retardant.

Euphanism- "Your daughter’s 'finding Nemo, 'ya-yaing the sisterhood.'" –[H]ouse

Allusion- “English, you’ll be good at it! AAAARRRRRGH!” -Powerthirst

Polysyndeton- We biked and sat and stargazed and spoke and didn’t get caught by the cops.

Anadiplosis- “History passed into memory, memory faded with time, and time ceased to matter.” – Matt/Chloe’s best transition sentence ever

Chiasmus- I used to have a lot of space and no wife, now I have no space and a lot of wife.

Exclamation- As waited patiently in ACME — Jiminy! What a scare! — teenage hooligans jumped over baskets.

Rhyme- Purple nurple. Just rhymed the ‘unrhymable.’

Rhetorical Question- Why would you even think of something like that?!

The Grotesque- The Phantom of the Opera

Anachronism- "I am the girl anachronism." -Amanda Palmer

From the Mouth of my Mom

A mildly, awkwardly amusing story from the mouth of my mom.

I recently purchased a roll of duct tape from the dollar store for its infinite uses. Particularly the numerous uses associated with the band room. Upon leaving the store with this as well as our other purchases, my mom turned to me and asked, "You're not planning to use that on Dave are you?"

I laughed, said no, laughed again, wondered why that was the first thing that came to her mind, quickly became very uninterested, and sang along with the radio.

Bob Dylan

I recently took out Greatest from the library, and I've had a lot of fun listening to all of the songs from it.

Go 'way from my window,
Leave at your own chosen speed.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I'm not the one you need.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
Someone to open each and every door,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go lightly from the ledge, babe,
Go lightly on the ground.
I'm not the one you want, babe,
I will only let you down.
You say you're lookin' for someone
Who will promise never to part,
Someone to close his eyes for you,
Someone to close his heart,
Someone who will die for you an more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Go melt back into the night, babe,
Everything inside is made of stone.
Theres nothing in here moving
An anyway I'm not alone.
You say you're looking for someone
Who'll pick you up each time you fall,
To gather flowers constantly
An to come each time you call,
A lover for your life an nothing more,
But it ain't me, babe,
No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,
It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe.

Trust

Drumline mantra and a tiny little issue I have. I don't trust myself to make other people feel good. Usually I don't consider it, and more often I don't care, but I didn't believe Dave. I hope it's experience and religion that's let me down and not people, because I don't have faith in myself. I wanted evidence and I don't have it for emotion.

Interpreting Dreams and Songs

I dream very often, and remember them with about as much frequency, even if it's only color or movement. However, if a dream is especially emotional or I wake up in the middle of it, I'll remember the plot and details. Zombies frequent my dreams, as do my friends and school.

The first time I dreamed of Dave, before we were dating, I had gone to a party at Jennica's house and nonchalantly made out with her a man supposedly her older brother, Tony W. We had been sitting around a cushioned, low lying table surrounded by laughing people oblivious to us. Laughingly, I walked out of the bright, white room through an open doorway, and Dave was leaning against the adjacent wall to my left. My dream conveyed the emotions better than the look he gave me, but with an expressionless, indifferent face, he was hurt and angry and disappointed in me. Stumbling out of the house and onto the lawn, I discovered myself naked, in a bathrobe, but ashamed of my actions and not my appearance. He walked to the door and slowly shut it on me.

The second time, I was at band camp and being rather cheery and helpful to the freshmen, when Dave and Scott M. showed up with guitars in Tuxedo shirts talking to Mr. Richards. Dave turned to look at me, and I smiled, but he shook his head and averted his eyes.

There have been many other dreams with him, but as a presence and not interacting. Also within the last month have been two significant dreams with Matt in them. I'll finish this some other time.

When I listen to "Backstabber" by the Dresden Dolls, I picture myself as the backstabber. Listening to "The Best Deceptions" by Dashboard Confessional I imagine myself being the giver of the awkward last kiss that tells of other people's lips. I try to take Bright Eyes' advice and "not wonder who may have been me before." I was "Not the Same" after that. If I can't trust, I can't be "Trusted." Oh well.