Quotes and Notes

Aw, sucks. i just bought you a forums account
-Jeff, on my favorite memory of 2009

Notes on "Notes I Wrote"

I have two journals that are physical, flesh and blood, pulp, glue and binding, diaries. That is not including the incredible number of note books, memo books, thought pads, and other smaller bound paper objects. They are what I write in during the dark and frightful hours of the night when it is simply my thoughts and I, unable to face a computer screen and permanently jot down my thoughts on something public. Hopefully most of that stuff will never see the light of day, but it's also where I wrote the sweet heart pangs of young love, and the fear it would be lost to me. Occasionally some of the scrawling are reasonable enough to commit to electronic memory, which is what the previous ones have been at some point or another. Over the next week or so, starting Sunday, I'm going to find and post at least one small entry a day. They're often a little incoherent or have spelling mistakes, as they were written in the throngs of emotion and usually darkness. The majority I still will be unable to expose for fear of retaliation or revealing myself to be a romantic twat with desires contrary to lust or logic. As everything recent and relevant is about Dave, that's where most of it will come from, but also some family life.

Dreams

A lost friend once told me that sleeping was a waste of time, a drain on your life, because nothing is accomplished during your respite. Occasionally, I would concede, though secretly clinging fast to my ideal of naps and sleeping in. Sleeping was the fastest way to pass boring hours, and the dreams that resulted were more beautiful than any reality I could have created in the same timespan. It is not to say I would waste my youth unconsciously whisked to a magical and frightening dreamland, but that my dreams have as much worth as my memories. Philosophically, the past is nothing but a personal interpretation, a collection of memories. There is, of course, "concrete" evidence the majority these events definitely happened, but for others, the only proof of existence is intangible recollections. If I am still loved in my dreams, and it is as beautiful and moving as past reality's, and brings me to tears when it is dashed by the morning's duties, then those "memories" hold a fonder place than the dull moments spent wandering my house in search of a spectacle.

Guitar

I started playing my guitar again. So far it's only been songs that I've shared with people, but they've generally turned out pretty easy which is nice. Except for Soco Amaretto Lime, which is in drop D and unfortunate when I want to switch from a warm up to practice. Phish is great, just a nice sound with new chords. I looked into Bob Dylan, but nothing sounds right. Waist Deep in the Big Muddy is simple and easy. It was the strangest thing, but I swore I could smell Dave when I started playing. It was nostalgic.

Songs

A very long while ago, before I had my optic white Chuck Taylor Converses, Dave told me he was writing a song for me. Overjoyed with the romance of it, when I did get my shoes, I vowed not to write on the left shoe until I had my lyrics to put on the right one. Time has passed, and despite two reminders, I remain lyric-less. I'll concede, his lyrics aren't very strong, but it's the novelty and sweetness of it. Yet, during my forays into terrible territory, I've wound up talking to Squid's drummer about the cliché lyrics of love and heartbreak. My stance it to write epics about communist uprising or obscure myths, and basically put a tune to prose. In a moment of inspiration, he wrote me a four line song detailing our encounter, the scandal, lust, betrayal, and guilt. I'm going to write on that left shoe now.

The Things I Threw Out

I cleaned my room today, completely and utterly, taking down things that have been hanging on my walls for years. Pulling out all sorts of materials from all sorts of crevices. These are some of the things I threw out:

A backpack
Several tacky purses
Lime green squishy pillow
Dasani "Mini Water Bottle" Box that I shaped into a mask for the pit water bottle cap fight in Viv's basement
Perfume set "FlowersbyKenzo"
Bath beads shaped like roses
Duke logo on cardboard
Polymer clay cat
Telephone chord
Tiny fake plastic spider
Poetry on Post-It Notes
Fairy wings
Christmas box
Wooden, painted on closet
Stickers from tween questions book
Penn State Plush Basketball
Jeff's paper CD cover
Reusable water bottle filled with unopened Crayola Glitter Glue tubes
RoseArt and PRANG colored pencils
Crayola crayons
Xavier Gibson's TI-30s
A full UNO deck
Full regular deck of cards
Tupperware container
Cookie tin with a pumpkin on it
Stretched out silk hair elastic
The heart balloon JoeKat gave me last Valentine's
A PEZ dispenser with a pumpkin at the top
Blue food dye
Toy pet carrier
Torn list of the books I want to read before I die
Awkward "getting your period" book
Half a plastic pirate sword
Coloring page of Uncle Sam I got from Trader Joe's when Viv and I went to buy veggie burger's for the 4th of July party at Sarah's
LEGO piece
Babysitter's Guide Folders from training course I took with Katy Creppon at Riddle
Business card with the handwritten numbers for 3 separate GameStops
Magnetic pencil holder for lockers
Pink and purple jump rope
Pit warm-up "Adelaide"
Broken Mardi Gras beads
Wooden display case

I just thought these things were interesting. Also to make room, I put all but four of my remaining stuffed animals away in a bag. I feel like I'm suffocating them. They are:

David, my bear from JoeKat
Tiger, the tiger Darrell gave me the last day of 4th grade because he wouldn't be able to make it to my birthday party because he was going to Dallas, Texas, but he brought me back a bracelet with Texan charms on them
Sarah, my white tiger I got from Toys 'R Us
Pumpkin, the singing, vibrating pumpkin my poppop gave me on his last Halloween
Sammy, the pink bear that Darrell gave me the Valentine's of 5th grade
Puppy, the little plush dog that Darrell gave me in 3rd grade as a secret admirer for Valentine's Day
Three plush kittens from Rehobeth, DE that my mom got me
Jasmine, the stuffed Jaguar I got at Build A Bear for Liana's birthday and Katy Creppon was there too and some of the money went to the World Wildlife Fund
Chico, the stuffed penguin I got at the Baltimore Aquarium named in honor of our 7th grade penguin adopted from the Philadelphia Zoo in Mr. Knight's class

I already gave away so many, these were the ones with the strongest memories.

New Year's Eve Party

Yesterday evening, nearing six o'clock, I shut down my laptop that finally got internet access (but causes Vista induced head explosions) and ate dinner. Getting ready to spend the night at someone's house is much easier when you don't intend to fall asleep for some reason. On the way to Jeff's house, there was a lot of good classic rock on the radio and I sang, though I don't think my dad did. It was "getting the Led out." Gina, Joey, Dom, and Jeff were there already, so Gina and I enjoyed a warm embrace after so long without. There were Jeff cookies and eventually he opened a bag of M&Ms as far as the best party food ever goes. The next people to arrive were Matt and his cousin, Nick, who I greeted with, "Are you the cousin who does robots? Trisha said you were cute. Not that I don't agree." The next guest to arrive was Trisha... Abby, Sarah, Hannah, and Shana showed up before going to Johnny Mackin's, which is where Dom as a chauffeur and Joey were headed as well. We played BLOKUS, and I lost the most, but helped other people cheat. Following BLOKUS was MarioKart64 which I got with Trisha at Gina's house. Eventually Jeff and I played ping-pong, then Nick and I, and within the first hour of the New Year, Nick, Matt, and 'Leesh. Jeff attempted to get me a forums account, but that didn't work, so we read creepy Wikipedia articles. Somehow it made me very sad that I wasn't horrified. Erik came bringing a beautiful Gingerbread lighthouse. Some of Johnny Mackin's came back. She got me juice that wasn't expired. It was nice. I drank the last of it as the clock hit 2009. I was playing Ping-Pong very soon after the ball dropped, and Jeff began asking people what their most and least favorite moments of 2009. I attempted to listen in, although I didn't want to make Nick sit through to stories he didn't know the background of. Many of them were surprising to me. I knew Sarah's least favorite, but didn't want to ask. Nobody asked me about my favorite or least favorite, so I talked about good memories, but not the memories. Around 1 AM, there was a terribly awkward conversation about the frustrating, unreasonable tragedy that are Gina's parents. I interrupted saying, "So almost all of my favorite memories of 2008 were in hammocks. I like hammocks, they're really relaxing!!" Eager for a change, most people chimed in to agree. Around 1 several people left, and Mrs. Glanfield was my first non-obligatory hug of 2009. I called her before I called my mom as far as Happy New Year's wishes go.

- - ---------

Gina had to leave around 2, and Abby and Sarah decided it would be awkward, and so we left. We made prank phone calls for around 2 hours, then I got really hungry and ate pizza with Hannah and Sarah. Then Hannah and I shared a can of Progressive Chicken Noodle. Shana got a "whoopie cushion" application on Abby's iPhone, we played a couple rounds of "would you rather," and Shana put whipped cream on Abby's face and hand. Sarah and I remembered how our freshman year totally kicked the freshmen years of Shana and Hannah. We explained general drumline relationships and how Gina and JoeKat had been the couple. At 6, Lexie, Sarah C., and Catey T. showed up to explain their fantastic evening. Around 7, Hannah, Shana, and I went outside to try to watch the sunrise. I explained skunk apes to Hannah and made her look it up on YouTube. Then I went inside, watched a few minutes of Entourage, then the end of The Land Before Time II. Woke up, felt crappy, went home, went to my mom's house, fell asleep, showered, wrote this.

Chloe's 2009 New Year's Resolutions

From last year to this year, I wouldn't have seen any of the wonderful things that happened. Except maybe JoeKat, but that kinda started on New Years. My summer was the most beautiful and thrilling experience for days at a time, with adventure, romance, and great friends attending to my every move. Fall swept me up with love and scandal, heartbreak and reassurances. Winter has been an emotional hell hole, but last night made me feel better. I was awestruck by the night sky for the first time in weeks, and we sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" louder and more joyfully than many other singing experiences of my life. None of that was planned. I remember everything from this year vividly and passionately, and next year is going to be the same. Maybe my resolutions are reckless, but both of my parents told me this week that my brother is the one to watch. Probably true, I still want to give them a run for their money. You're only a teenager once, and if I'm going to make terrible decisions it would rather be when they are forgiven as experimental behavior. I will still keep my reasonable head about me, and always in moderation, but here they are:

Learn to drive
Attempt to get an amateur radio license
Make strides towards obtaining my SCUBA license
Participate in a sport or athletic activity (swimming, Ultimate)
Watch the following films:

Dr. Strangelove
Requiem for a Dream
Apocalypse Now
An Inconvenient Truth
American Beauty
Braveheart
Alice's Restaurant
Fight Club
American History X
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Office Space

Get my passport
Learn to ride clutch
Read at least 10 books from my list, including A People's History
Try to meet through written letters, Tommy Smothers and Pete Seeger
Dye my hair a different colour, temporary or otherwise
Get "something" pierced
Set off fireworks
Get drunk, high, lost
Reconnect with Kristen and Kyle
Be able to name and play 10 Guitar Chords
Incorporate the 4 Elements of Hip-Hop culture into my daily life
Graffiti something
Get into college
Go out for breakfast
Visit Philadelphia and New York
Sneak out a minimum of 3 times
Practice breakdancing, surfing, piano, and guitar
Learn to safely jump from heights
Watch all of Dr. Who in 1 sitting with Molly
Ask more questions
Learn to play the electric mandolin
Ride a roller coaster
Catch a beach sunrise
Use practical Spanish
Watch celestial events (preferably with company)
Bike and walk more
Think of and possibly enact a senior and band camp prank
Be section leader
Practice getting over different types of fences quickly
Vandalize a bathroom stall

I won't feel guilty for not achieving them, it's more of "things you should do while it's still forgivable" guideline. Some of them I already achieved not through strenuous attempts, but I'll find some sort of calendar of celestial events this year (the International Year of Astronomy) and post that so other people can sneak out with me. It's been a hell of a year for growing up, but we've got one more year without saying goodbye, so I'm going to make it count.

Things I Would Name a Band from the Wikipedia Article I Read

August Coup
Brothers to the Rescue
Lincolnshire Poacher
Cryptographic Function
Hotel Kilo
Firedrake Jammer

The Memories Came Back

The problem with hookups, is sometimes they start to respect you as a person, when all you really wanted was to feel like a slut. That way there's a reason for him not wanting you back, rather than "things just happened."

------------ ---------------------------- --------

I kinda think that that is my song, and I kinda want to jump off a bridge.

Stapler

I think my stapler looks like a sleepy smiling Japanese cartoon character. It's square and has two eyes, a circular nose and a mouth. I guess it looks like this -__- but with a nose.

FML

I HAD IT SO GOOD! Fuck you time and coincidence! I told myself I don't judge, I don't compare, but holy hell other boys make me miss him and everything he's good at. Bitches need to learn to kiss.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Christmas Eve: A Day of Firsts

Today was a day of two very important firsts, and the lesser is that I finally beat Minesweepers on Expert and I did it in 430 seconds.

Questions I Should Ask

Why won't you just say, "Fuck your control. I'm young and in love."?
Who were those thoughts about?
Do you ever get down about it like I do?
How could you be the one person I thought I connected to and let go?
Have you loved any of them?
Who did this to you?
Why would you let me do it to myself?
You know I'd be behind you anyway, right?
Oh god, did you ever think of me after you told me that?
Did you think I wouldn't care after all those memories?
How come you never told me if the cops got the bastard?
You only saw me for those twenty minutes or so in the shared spotlight, but what did you think of us?
I know it's been ages since that picture was taken, but when's the last time you smiled like that?
Do you love her?
What did you wish for on those stars?
Who is/was she?
Are you scared like I was?
Did you ever figure out what it said?
Will you let yourself be free when you're free of us?
Are we holding you back?
How much do you think I miss you, and how jealous do you think I am of your new life?
Why do I feel like I missed you too late?
Did you feel alone even though I was there for you?
Why can't we keep making memories like the ones we couldn't stop laughing at?
Which one of you got in the tree first?
In retrospect, do you see how hateful it made me?
Did you realize that I realized too when you said that?
How much do you remember beyond your trite associations?
Will you ever go back for him?
What did he do to make you fall in love with him?
Would you have ever gone through with it or said something?
Do you ever miss your friends and your life?
When did I start seeing you as tired and broken people?
Why did I ever change my feelings about you?
Would you really save that spot for me?
Do you ever wonder why they're really there?
How would you feel if you found out their answers?
Do you know I'm proud and jealous of you?
I know you meant what you said years ago, but did you ever acknowledge it afterwards?
Was I the one who let you down the most?
Why didn't you tell me about your hopes for me?
Why haven't we spoken before this?
Do you know about them?
What would you do if you found out?
How could someone do that to you?
When did you become a terrible person?
Are we going to ruin this?

PJ Par-tay

I wore my PJs to school.
Teachers and students alike were jealous of how comfy I was.
My mom was supposed to pick me up at 3:30.
My bus gets home before 3:00.
She was home when I got there.
She flipped out.
"You let her walk out the door like that?" she accosted my dad.
"She's got her own personality if you haven't noticed," he replied.
Made my day.
Plus Jeremy Bean loved it.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my feelings and memories about JoeKat post break up. It is dated Friday, May 23rd, 2006.


"Alright, magic for real?"
I've forgiven everything I ever held against my beloved Kacey. I utterly swear by it. I knew even when I hated that it was my fault, so it was just a lot of self loathing, and I am completely indebted to him for relieving me of that. I don't know when the last time I screwed up was. I guess it was when I was dating him.

Anyway.

I never wanted to be her. I couldn't stand the thought that someone else could hate me with such passion. I didn't even know I was capable of such hate. Of course, Abby assured me that Sarah would get over it and that we were free to date. Sarah and I had had a falling out over this little issue because she knew we were flirting. She's a tad bit dramatic and moody. Only a tad. If she had outright said anything to me, of course I would have never been her Kacey, because I understood.

Even when Trisha asked me the day before, she said she knew, but I was telling the truth. Emotion got the best of logic and loyalty. Oops... That was January 25th. The twenty-sixth I saw JUNO and told him. The twenty-seventh I made a playlist of 27 songs that made me incredibly happy because they made me think of him. I don't know what they were for the most part, so I don't associate them with him. Although there is quite a bit more that makes me think of him... He said he'd think about it. He liked me, but he didn't know if he secretly was still crushing on Hillary. I wouldn't have minded. He was still ridiculously jealous of Matt. Maybe still is. There's nothing there, and after him, there hasn't been since. He didn't realize. Still doesn't.

Our first kiss was on Valentine's Day. He made me an adorable "slide show" that he spent hours working on. I filled some of a book of words for him. I wish I could see that. I don't know what I wrote in the throws of emotion. I'm pretty sure there was dirty txting before our first kiss. Some emotional secret sharing too. Yep, in the same night. Lemme check that... Yep, February 7th I think. Then on, possibly the 9th? A picture of him lifting weights without a top on. That was hot. I'm still hot for him. I can't believe how insecure he is. I guess he thought I wanted an Adonis. *sigh*

Anyway, masturbating was a whole lot more fun because there were images and ideas to try. Plus the emotion and fantasizing pleasure of having a distinct "lover" to think about. I had my first orgasm because of the dirty txting. (I think?) I also was a lot more willing to try things on my own because in my head, I was practicing to show him. Although I did have my first (and last as of this writing) lesbian sex dream. It wasn't bad. I still haven't watched porn, but I started researching things we could buy once he was 18. I'm sure if we were still dating I would have given him head, or at least a hand job. I got close to the handjob... On the band bus. Never again.

I didn't mind, really. Of course Matt is right to say I'm sexually frustrated, but for a while I stopped taking the wrappers off of bottles. I learned a lot about myself, what I'm willing to do, how trivial I view a lot of emotion and experiences, and just about relationships and how to feel physically good. He was sweet and romantic when we talked, but accidentally, cutely. Before we were dating he told me he would never let me lick the floor of the first practice room. He also said if I ever needed a hug he'd be there. I wonder if they still apply. We shared nightly dreams, day dreams, fears, goals, the weather, and then stupid little things. However, I have no idea what we talked about for small talk other than drumline.

Jeff once said he had an entire conversation with him about running water. Really? I want that now. I sorta wanted it then.

I completely forgot about our after school/before drumline special. We had two, and I don't remember when the other one was. Maybe it was three? Yes, three. We organized crayons and I read the book he wrote when he was six about his birthday party. I dressed up as a pirate and we watched [S]crubs together. I do miss that. I don't know when the other one was, but I had to take out the wallet in his back pants pocket so I could grab his ass better.

Anyway, I went to his house, and his sister was there, which was weird. We watched [S]crubs again, not a particularly interesting episode I think. Then I wanted to see his Pokemon cards so we went to the basement to look. However, they were up in his room... He found them and I legitimately wanted to look at them because I knew what being in his room would lead to and I was hesitant. I was looking at the book on the floor, and he suggested we go to the bed. I knew, and was fluttery about it, but who gives a fuck. (haha) He was rushing me looking at them, which really was upsetting in hind sight because he just wanted me to lay down so he could get on me instead of waiting for me to finish with the cards. There are plastic glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. I'm sure they mean so much more to me than to him. We made Nutella sammiches and turns out Nutella kisses are just regular kisses.

It's odd because it's JoeKat, but I write incredibly distanced from it all. It was nice, but it also wasn't really him in my mind...

Postscript: Still haven't had a lesbian sex dream since then

General Texts:

Ur hilarious. Haha. Im glad that the chick im being brutally honest with is blondmcblondblond. But ur the only whose actually truly asked. ;)
-Wasiq

So the lady at Olive Garden just seated my mom and I. She walked away, and soon after, another woman walks up to us, and says, 'Be right with you, ladies.'
-Jimmy

alright chlo your the best thanks love you too
-Jack

Laissez fare, barrel of monkeys and anti-american anti-god communists.
-Matt

Integrizzle my derivatizzle.
-Matt

The Cover and the Song and the Reference and the Wrong

I sleep diagonal in my bed.

Soco Amaretto Lime

Tonight was the commencement of The Power Pit Reunion Party, though only four of the original power pit were in attendance. Jeff and I spent the beginning of the afternoon with Viv, watching hilarious YouTube videos and kittens and somethingawful and cryptwalking and general hilariousity. From there we drove to Matt's to eat some cookies and listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Three kids lying in his living room surrounding a boom box spewing the general humour and political commentary of NPR. It was gorgeous. After the program we had to leave after being distracted by the TI-NSpire. On the way into Nicki's development, a track had begun playing that Jeff wanted me to listen to, but he said there wasn't enough time. While it was enjoyable to hear about the exotic college lives of other students, it felt like an exceedingly lengthy party. Molly and I had a tickle fight, Sarah C. brought an unusually large amount of animal crackers, and it was all around a warm time recalling fond memories rather than making them. Sleepy Gina left before me, though I was similarly batting eyelids. Jeff was going to bring me home to my mom's, and it was the second time in a month I've cried in front of him. The song was Soco Amaretto Lime, and the memory was not mine, but the thought of it brought tears of jealousy for their beauty and friendship. A boy I do not know who plays guitar and drinks and parties was playing his instrument alone on stage for baccalaureate. Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New. Towards the end of the song, his friends stood up in the crowd and sang. They sang with him, "We'll stay 18 forever. You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love." At every party, no matter what stage of sobriety or drunkenness, they would stand and sing this song together before leaving. Driving home in the car with Jeff, I thought how there cannot be anything more perfect and beautiful in the world, and how I do not think I will have that. I teared up, I could not speak. I thought of the last time the pit felt like home. When Trisha, Matt, Abby, Sarah, and I, those who would be there through our graduation, could take anything with a grain of salt and humour and maybe a little song and laugh. How I thought that they would the people to have life altering revelations with in the dark of night, screaming in cars to music we could sure as hell learn to play, and staying out under the stars in a giddy stupor until we had a memory worth writing about. I remembered my time of existence when I was young and in love, and was jealous of those who still are and how close and how far everything seems. Graduation is not far away and the new year is not far away, and suddenly tomorrow will be next year's celebration of our last year together and then the last year will be gone and moved on. And I cried and he hugged me saying "It's not a red light, but that's alright. Do you just miss stuff?" [pause and nod], "I do too." And I cried at the way he said it, but it was good.

I love you guys.

Blue M&Ms

I've wasted too much magic in wishing for the reasonable and contradictory. And yet despite my abuses of magical ability, I've had innumerable wishes come true.

Legs?

Mrs. Rock and Abby told me my legs are nice. I didn't know. I wouldn't know. I have no basis for comparison. Girls realize when other girls look nice more so than guys. I don't understand this. Exposed legs remind me of A Christmas Story.