Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing that I didn't believe when Dave told me I looked good or made him happy entitled, "FAITHLESS." It is undated, but was written before Friday, September 12th, 2008.

I can't list the ways you make me happy you just do. I feel guilt over my lack of trust.
"
beautiful
gorgeous
hot stuff
everything happened that was supposed to
this ... [picture] illustrates my feelings for you
You make me feel so awesome
That was awesome
You make me very happy, Chloe
I let you turn me into a Communist
Your named was just carved into a big house's driveway
Wish You Were Here
"

P.S. I did wind up believing it eventually, but still not entirely.

[edit] P.P.S. The picture was of fireworks when he was away in Pittsburgh

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my conflicting emotions and fear of being involved with Dave (before he loved me). It is dated Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008.

I don't think I'm phenominally attached to him. In fact it's hard. I like the attention and the fun and fooling around, and Dave will be the best I have in high school. However, I keep having dreams and song interpretations that I'm going to hurt him. I may be giving myself too much credit though. My biggest fear now is that he'll say, "Kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that I let you." So I try to remember our last kiss just in case. :(

P.S. I do remember our last kiss, and I was upset because I was scared that it might be, and it was a terrible kiss and I got his hair in my mouth. He won't remember it.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry listing adjectives I was going to use while writing a song for Dave. It is dated Friday, October 10th, 2008.

Vegetarian, anarchist, tattoo'd, pot smoking, guitar playing, rock 'n' rolling, hilarious, genius, detached, Vonnegut reading, Canadian, photographer, artist, snowboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing, swimming, peace loving, me loving, bandana donned, hot and handsome, music composing hippi

P.S. I didn't write him a song, and I didn't get mine.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my frustration at coming up with a pet name for how deviously enamored I was with Dave. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

I hate the pet name game because words don't describe how physically attracted I am to you. It's not just your dark complexion, swimmer's body, or fantastic hair. It's also in the way you stand when you play guitar, or the various scars on your hands, how small you make me feel, and the stupid tickle of your neckbeard (Not that I'm endorsing it). "Hot" "handsome" "cute" "sexy" don't do any justice because each has other implications and whatever desire you arouse in me that's strictly physical transcends that. You are some fine eye candy though.

P.S. I'm not entirely sure why I wrote so many notes directly addressing him. Maybe I was planning to say it out loud or hoped he would find it someday. The ones addressed directly to him are the ones I can't post for the most part.

The Left Shoe

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has. I feel better.


I WILL NEVER BE SILENT
But I don't want comfort.
I want God,
I want poetry,
I want real danger,
I want freedom,
I want goodness,
I want sin.
I would live my beautiful ideal
R-U-N-N-O-F-T
It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead
Vivez sans tempo mort
Anarchy is for lovers
Please me and have no regrets
That's not fair! That's not fair at all! There was time now. There was all the time I needed...
TAKE RISKS
I'm a sucker for a happy ending
Going to California
Always do what you are afraid to
JUMP
As they have dared, so shall I
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Each betrayal begins with trust, every man returns to dust
I'll never have the moon
TANGERINE
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high
There's no hope, but I may be wrong
Your hair down to your legs and your legs down to the floor
WASTE
And all a wonder and a wild desire
You've got to walk that lonesome valley You've got to walk it by yourself
I have beautiful dreams and a gorgeous reality
You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love
Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.
44/16=2.75
.. .--. --- .--- . -.-- --- .--
SOCO AMARETTO LIME
Fades to background of drums and gunshots
I WILL FIND A WAY
All things must pass. All things must pass away.
The cause of war is preparation for war
I came into this world, not chiefly to make this a good place to live in, but to live in it, good or bad
the most alive is the WILDEST
I long for you tragically, A.T.Chapman [I got this wrong]
We come spinning out of nothingness. Scattering stars like dust.
The blue ones are MAGIC
When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man
Maple Street, in the last calm and reflective moment before the monsters came
Deep as first love and wild with all regret
Let there be truth between us forever more
NO LIES, JUST LOVE
The people I respect the most behave as if they were immortal and as if society was eternal
Be realistic
Demand the impossible
BARE FEET INVITE TROUBLE
This is the strangest life I've ever seen
Remember when you were young?
You shone like the sun
I'm feeling this
If I seem free, it's because I'm always running
The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret
The Realms of the Unreal
FUCK YOUR CONTROLS!
This is not an EXIT
O for a life of sensations
I will trust what is deep is holy
This is a dimension of imagination
Thou art to me a delicious torment
I do not believe in god, because I believe in man
the passion you sparked in me one terrible night that persuaded my soul to ignite
I stepped on a dandelion and cried for all of the wishes that could have come true
Down with a world in which the guarantee we will not starve has been bought with the guarantee we will die of boredom
NEVER WORK
Poor people don't exist when times are good
'When it happens, it happens'
LOVE IS UNREASONABLE MADNESS
Stars and rain can be seen through glass ceilings
I AM ENJOYING EXISTENCE AS MUCH AS EVER AND REGRET NOTHING
Deep as first love and wild with all regret, O Death in Life, the days that are no more [not a mistake, I repeated it]
Reflecting on the time when this life shined
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
ALL MEN LOVE A LOVER
A+

there are a number of small doodles all over the shoe.
there are a number of sayings meant to remember everyone.
i'd tell you which one(s) are yours if you ask.
for the most part, if you recognize it and can associate it with me, its for you.
others are special and more secret.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about my feelings for Dave prior to him tell me he loved me. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

Dave,
I'm writing this not so much for you as for me. I've no doubt there's a goodbye in our future, but you''ll still make me laugh, so it can't end that badly. Every day that thought crossed my mind, but I also remembered that I have you in the now and I'm going to have fun every day I get a chance to be with you. However long it stays fun, interesting, or exciting is how long I'll be here.
I'll do my best to keep you,
Chloe

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about how distrusting I was of my body image. It is dated Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008.

My mom doesn't tell me I'm pretty. Only that at my age she weighed ten pounds less than me and she's glad I have the self-confidence not to wear make-up. I'd never get a word from my dad. So I'm having a hard time believing. I can't even believe that I'm arousing and/or inspiring good feelings. I thought the whole thing was a bet. I felt prettier and smarter and stronger without you.

P.S. I wrote the last part extra bold. Initially I thought that Dave was flirting with me on some sort of bet, most likely with Joe Marino.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing the wonderful, wonderful things that happened to Dave and I since we started flirting around, entitled, "3 Months." It is undated, but written sometime after October 23rd.

July 5th: R+J I'm crushin'
July 15th: Ducks, grist mill, RHPS
July 19th: Night walk DAC
July 30th: First Kiss/Stigmata
August 5th: Girlfriend
August: Wonderful
<28th- Nightwalk, 22nd Cops. penis
September 7th: I love you
September 12th: Tuxeuhffblllehhph
September 20th: Alpaca
September 21: I love him too
September 27th: Cocksucker
October 3rd: Wordless hour
October 9th: Grist Mill

October 31st: Halloween
November-February: :]

P.S. The "<" part was written in the margin. I told him I wasn't going to fuck him before October and his birthday was in February explain the last entry. My first chance came very shortly afterwards, but I didn't because of loyalty to a friend, the way it might have sounded in the future, and the way I remember things and make association. So often I wonder if I should've taken it, but am glad I did not.

Quotes and Notes

Aw, sucks. i just bought you a forums account
-Jeff, on my favorite memory of 2009

Notes on "Notes I Wrote"

I have two journals that are physical, flesh and blood, pulp, glue and binding, diaries. That is not including the incredible number of note books, memo books, thought pads, and other smaller bound paper objects. They are what I write in during the dark and frightful hours of the night when it is simply my thoughts and I, unable to face a computer screen and permanently jot down my thoughts on something public. Hopefully most of that stuff will never see the light of day, but it's also where I wrote the sweet heart pangs of young love, and the fear it would be lost to me. Occasionally some of the scrawling are reasonable enough to commit to electronic memory, which is what the previous ones have been at some point or another. Over the next week or so, starting Sunday, I'm going to find and post at least one small entry a day. They're often a little incoherent or have spelling mistakes, as they were written in the throngs of emotion and usually darkness. The majority I still will be unable to expose for fear of retaliation or revealing myself to be a romantic twat with desires contrary to lust or logic. As everything recent and relevant is about Dave, that's where most of it will come from, but also some family life.

Dreams

A lost friend once told me that sleeping was a waste of time, a drain on your life, because nothing is accomplished during your respite. Occasionally, I would concede, though secretly clinging fast to my ideal of naps and sleeping in. Sleeping was the fastest way to pass boring hours, and the dreams that resulted were more beautiful than any reality I could have created in the same timespan. It is not to say I would waste my youth unconsciously whisked to a magical and frightening dreamland, but that my dreams have as much worth as my memories. Philosophically, the past is nothing but a personal interpretation, a collection of memories. There is, of course, "concrete" evidence the majority these events definitely happened, but for others, the only proof of existence is intangible recollections. If I am still loved in my dreams, and it is as beautiful and moving as past reality's, and brings me to tears when it is dashed by the morning's duties, then those "memories" hold a fonder place than the dull moments spent wandering my house in search of a spectacle.

Guitar

I started playing my guitar again. So far it's only been songs that I've shared with people, but they've generally turned out pretty easy which is nice. Except for Soco Amaretto Lime, which is in drop D and unfortunate when I want to switch from a warm up to practice. Phish is great, just a nice sound with new chords. I looked into Bob Dylan, but nothing sounds right. Waist Deep in the Big Muddy is simple and easy. It was the strangest thing, but I swore I could smell Dave when I started playing. It was nostalgic.

Songs

A very long while ago, before I had my optic white Chuck Taylor Converses, Dave told me he was writing a song for me. Overjoyed with the romance of it, when I did get my shoes, I vowed not to write on the left shoe until I had my lyrics to put on the right one. Time has passed, and despite two reminders, I remain lyric-less. I'll concede, his lyrics aren't very strong, but it's the novelty and sweetness of it. Yet, during my forays into terrible territory, I've wound up talking to Squid's drummer about the cliché lyrics of love and heartbreak. My stance it to write epics about communist uprising or obscure myths, and basically put a tune to prose. In a moment of inspiration, he wrote me a four line song detailing our encounter, the scandal, lust, betrayal, and guilt. I'm going to write on that left shoe now.

The Things I Threw Out

I cleaned my room today, completely and utterly, taking down things that have been hanging on my walls for years. Pulling out all sorts of materials from all sorts of crevices. These are some of the things I threw out:

A backpack
Several tacky purses
Lime green squishy pillow
Dasani "Mini Water Bottle" Box that I shaped into a mask for the pit water bottle cap fight in Viv's basement
Perfume set "FlowersbyKenzo"
Bath beads shaped like roses
Duke logo on cardboard
Polymer clay cat
Telephone chord
Tiny fake plastic spider
Poetry on Post-It Notes
Fairy wings
Christmas box
Wooden, painted on closet
Stickers from tween questions book
Penn State Plush Basketball
Jeff's paper CD cover
Reusable water bottle filled with unopened Crayola Glitter Glue tubes
RoseArt and PRANG colored pencils
Crayola crayons
Xavier Gibson's TI-30s
A full UNO deck
Full regular deck of cards
Tupperware container
Cookie tin with a pumpkin on it
Stretched out silk hair elastic
The heart balloon JoeKat gave me last Valentine's
A PEZ dispenser with a pumpkin at the top
Blue food dye
Toy pet carrier
Torn list of the books I want to read before I die
Awkward "getting your period" book
Half a plastic pirate sword
Coloring page of Uncle Sam I got from Trader Joe's when Viv and I went to buy veggie burger's for the 4th of July party at Sarah's
LEGO piece
Babysitter's Guide Folders from training course I took with Katy Creppon at Riddle
Business card with the handwritten numbers for 3 separate GameStops
Magnetic pencil holder for lockers
Pink and purple jump rope
Pit warm-up "Adelaide"
Broken Mardi Gras beads
Wooden display case

I just thought these things were interesting. Also to make room, I put all but four of my remaining stuffed animals away in a bag. I feel like I'm suffocating them. They are:

David, my bear from JoeKat
Tiger, the tiger Darrell gave me the last day of 4th grade because he wouldn't be able to make it to my birthday party because he was going to Dallas, Texas, but he brought me back a bracelet with Texan charms on them
Sarah, my white tiger I got from Toys 'R Us
Pumpkin, the singing, vibrating pumpkin my poppop gave me on his last Halloween
Sammy, the pink bear that Darrell gave me the Valentine's of 5th grade
Puppy, the little plush dog that Darrell gave me in 3rd grade as a secret admirer for Valentine's Day
Three plush kittens from Rehobeth, DE that my mom got me
Jasmine, the stuffed Jaguar I got at Build A Bear for Liana's birthday and Katy Creppon was there too and some of the money went to the World Wildlife Fund
Chico, the stuffed penguin I got at the Baltimore Aquarium named in honor of our 7th grade penguin adopted from the Philadelphia Zoo in Mr. Knight's class

I already gave away so many, these were the ones with the strongest memories.

New Year's Eve Party

Yesterday evening, nearing six o'clock, I shut down my laptop that finally got internet access (but causes Vista induced head explosions) and ate dinner. Getting ready to spend the night at someone's house is much easier when you don't intend to fall asleep for some reason. On the way to Jeff's house, there was a lot of good classic rock on the radio and I sang, though I don't think my dad did. It was "getting the Led out." Gina, Joey, Dom, and Jeff were there already, so Gina and I enjoyed a warm embrace after so long without. There were Jeff cookies and eventually he opened a bag of M&Ms as far as the best party food ever goes. The next people to arrive were Matt and his cousin, Nick, who I greeted with, "Are you the cousin who does robots? Trisha said you were cute. Not that I don't agree." The next guest to arrive was Trisha... Abby, Sarah, Hannah, and Shana showed up before going to Johnny Mackin's, which is where Dom as a chauffeur and Joey were headed as well. We played BLOKUS, and I lost the most, but helped other people cheat. Following BLOKUS was MarioKart64 which I got with Trisha at Gina's house. Eventually Jeff and I played ping-pong, then Nick and I, and within the first hour of the New Year, Nick, Matt, and 'Leesh. Jeff attempted to get me a forums account, but that didn't work, so we read creepy Wikipedia articles. Somehow it made me very sad that I wasn't horrified. Erik came bringing a beautiful Gingerbread lighthouse. Some of Johnny Mackin's came back. She got me juice that wasn't expired. It was nice. I drank the last of it as the clock hit 2009. I was playing Ping-Pong very soon after the ball dropped, and Jeff began asking people what their most and least favorite moments of 2009. I attempted to listen in, although I didn't want to make Nick sit through to stories he didn't know the background of. Many of them were surprising to me. I knew Sarah's least favorite, but didn't want to ask. Nobody asked me about my favorite or least favorite, so I talked about good memories, but not the memories. Around 1 AM, there was a terribly awkward conversation about the frustrating, unreasonable tragedy that are Gina's parents. I interrupted saying, "So almost all of my favorite memories of 2008 were in hammocks. I like hammocks, they're really relaxing!!" Eager for a change, most people chimed in to agree. Around 1 several people left, and Mrs. Glanfield was my first non-obligatory hug of 2009. I called her before I called my mom as far as Happy New Year's wishes go.

- - ---------

Gina had to leave around 2, and Abby and Sarah decided it would be awkward, and so we left. We made prank phone calls for around 2 hours, then I got really hungry and ate pizza with Hannah and Sarah. Then Hannah and I shared a can of Progressive Chicken Noodle. Shana got a "whoopie cushion" application on Abby's iPhone, we played a couple rounds of "would you rather," and Shana put whipped cream on Abby's face and hand. Sarah and I remembered how our freshman year totally kicked the freshmen years of Shana and Hannah. We explained general drumline relationships and how Gina and JoeKat had been the couple. At 6, Lexie, Sarah C., and Catey T. showed up to explain their fantastic evening. Around 7, Hannah, Shana, and I went outside to try to watch the sunrise. I explained skunk apes to Hannah and made her look it up on YouTube. Then I went inside, watched a few minutes of Entourage, then the end of The Land Before Time II. Woke up, felt crappy, went home, went to my mom's house, fell asleep, showered, wrote this.

Chloe's 2009 New Year's Resolutions

From last year to this year, I wouldn't have seen any of the wonderful things that happened. Except maybe JoeKat, but that kinda started on New Years. My summer was the most beautiful and thrilling experience for days at a time, with adventure, romance, and great friends attending to my every move. Fall swept me up with love and scandal, heartbreak and reassurances. Winter has been an emotional hell hole, but last night made me feel better. I was awestruck by the night sky for the first time in weeks, and we sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" louder and more joyfully than many other singing experiences of my life. None of that was planned. I remember everything from this year vividly and passionately, and next year is going to be the same. Maybe my resolutions are reckless, but both of my parents told me this week that my brother is the one to watch. Probably true, I still want to give them a run for their money. You're only a teenager once, and if I'm going to make terrible decisions it would rather be when they are forgiven as experimental behavior. I will still keep my reasonable head about me, and always in moderation, but here they are:

Learn to drive
Attempt to get an amateur radio license
Make strides towards obtaining my SCUBA license
Participate in a sport or athletic activity (swimming, Ultimate)
Watch the following films:

Dr. Strangelove
Requiem for a Dream
Apocalypse Now
An Inconvenient Truth
American Beauty
Braveheart
Alice's Restaurant
Fight Club
American History X
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Office Space

Get my passport
Learn to ride clutch
Read at least 10 books from my list, including A People's History
Try to meet through written letters, Tommy Smothers and Pete Seeger
Dye my hair a different colour, temporary or otherwise
Get "something" pierced
Set off fireworks
Get drunk, high, lost
Reconnect with Kristen and Kyle
Be able to name and play 10 Guitar Chords
Incorporate the 4 Elements of Hip-Hop culture into my daily life
Graffiti something
Get into college
Go out for breakfast
Visit Philadelphia and New York
Sneak out a minimum of 3 times
Practice breakdancing, surfing, piano, and guitar
Learn to safely jump from heights
Watch all of Dr. Who in 1 sitting with Molly
Ask more questions
Learn to play the electric mandolin
Ride a roller coaster
Catch a beach sunrise
Use practical Spanish
Watch celestial events (preferably with company)
Bike and walk more
Think of and possibly enact a senior and band camp prank
Be section leader
Practice getting over different types of fences quickly
Vandalize a bathroom stall

I won't feel guilty for not achieving them, it's more of "things you should do while it's still forgivable" guideline. Some of them I already achieved not through strenuous attempts, but I'll find some sort of calendar of celestial events this year (the International Year of Astronomy) and post that so other people can sneak out with me. It's been a hell of a year for growing up, but we've got one more year without saying goodbye, so I'm going to make it count.

Things I Would Name a Band from the Wikipedia Article I Read

August Coup
Brothers to the Rescue
Lincolnshire Poacher
Cryptographic Function
Hotel Kilo
Firedrake Jammer

The Memories Came Back

The problem with hookups, is sometimes they start to respect you as a person, when all you really wanted was to feel like a slut. That way there's a reason for him not wanting you back, rather than "things just happened."

------------ ---------------------------- --------

I kinda think that that is my song, and I kinda want to jump off a bridge.

Stapler

I think my stapler looks like a sleepy smiling Japanese cartoon character. It's square and has two eyes, a circular nose and a mouth. I guess it looks like this -__- but with a nose.

FML

I HAD IT SO GOOD! Fuck you time and coincidence! I told myself I don't judge, I don't compare, but holy hell other boys make me miss him and everything he's good at. Bitches need to learn to kiss.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Christmas Eve: A Day of Firsts

Today was a day of two very important firsts, and the lesser is that I finally beat Minesweepers on Expert and I did it in 430 seconds.