It must be bedtime

I know that it doesn't happen very often, but on that rare occasion, when somebody manages to say exactly what needed to be said, whether that be a slap in the face or making every thing better for a moment, it's magic.

Sleep deprivation hit this morning, and we all slept in the car on the way to Baltimore. Maybe also sorta kinda on the way home too. Mrs. P. wants to adopt me. Robotics was awesome. It was a lost-tied-won-lost kinda dealie in semi-finals, and exciting. Also got to meet cool (& hot) people and mistaken for a 20 year old and assumed to be left handed. My favorite team was from Walt Whitman High School team 1389, The Body Electric. :D Nobody in my group noticed the homeless people in the Inner Harbor.

I feel so pleasantly warm that it must be bedtime.

and those Other fleeting things

My past few nights have been unreasonable. Dreams have been blooming something lovely, but waking thoughts- fairly on the emotional feminine side. Occasionally, it's that gorgeous rush of full body infatuation, the kind that gets me all tingly. Other times it's a rush of gorgeous bodies, the kind that gets me all hot and uppity. Besides those two exceptions, which are admittedly frequent, it's waves of uncertainty. In six months, my laptop will be gone. My guitar and my record player will also not be here. Most importantly, I will not be here. What will I be like then? Sometimes I get caught up in the detail- flashes of butterfly kisses and denim on skin and little pink scars. Other times I make spider webs of Markov chains, a most likely future, a future I can guarantee, a future that won't hurt. It's unreasonable. Logically, rationally, live momentously. Reflect pleasantly on warm moments, but don't question the moments that are yet to be, or how drawn out that future is.

Found out today it wasn't the guitar string, it was the guitar.

Liberal Fascism kinda sucks, not because of the bias, but because the author is unfocused.

I got a pen pal. I think. It was thrown out half-joking in casual conversation, but damn if I'll hold her to it.

Saw Shannon in the hallway. Waved and smiled genuinely.
Saw Alexa in the hallway. Pretended I didn't.
Siblings of exes and exes of siblings have a very similar sort of reverence to them.

"How am I supposed to pretend I never want to see you again?" Lawd, boy's an asshole. All right, everyone of them, "gonna grow up to be a good kid." Damn the cookies we ate together! I could've kissed him, and I didn't! Thought about it though. He used to make me so deliciously unreasonable. I hate his memes, of all unreasonable things to hate. Alas! Such is the way of life.

Self-Improvement, Summer, and Sidenote

Now that HiQ and robotics are winding down, I'm already planning ahead for my new "self-betterment" projects. Currently (though I may renege), is video game development with the Unreal Developer Kit. In a two pronged project, UnrealScript is heavily based in Java, so I'll be getting my head around that first. I'd also like to improve my Spanish, but that requires a little bit of free time, so I can immerse myself in the language. Noting that I'm seriously out of shape is a little harder to address. Swimming is the obvious answer, aerobic, enjoyable, and full body, but I have no access to a pool (or an ocean, but this one isn't conveniently overcome). I don't have the 60 minutes every other day to work out 'til sweaty and gross that I did with Strength and Conditioning. Plus, I have to finish the mural for Longo, preferably before Spring Break (though this is feasible). There's no way I'd seriously commit to jogging, so I'm left with making up my own home regiment. *wheezy sigh*

This summer, I'm going to make a damned good dam at "my creek." I've got so many plans for warmer (see: overbearingly hot) months. It's gonna be awesome. There's a heckuvalotta things I've never done, and most things on the "to do" list only require some transportation and/or Yankee ingenuity from materials I already have. Also, maybe some parental discretion, but I totally got +100 trust this weekend. Admittedly, some of the things I want to do came from theburiedlife, but not very many. My aspirations are not quite so large (also, I've already done a few on their list). :P

Note to hopeful future jugglers: oranges are not the right size

Quiet in the Grass

PostSecret was excellent this week. There are several people I suspect would send in a secret, and I always hope I'll recognize their handwriting or their fears.

Punctuation has never made me so happy. :]

D&PI is going very well. Bucci is improving my technique. Being in her room, this is the first year I've been consciously aware of the D&PII projects. Kinda makes me wish I'd had extra time to get there. She used me as the example of an art career side tracked by APs, which is almost true, but not quite.

I looked online for the names of the P90x Ab Ripper moves. I found them, and after a little thinking, managed to recall what each one was. Thanks, Was! Going through it sucked, because I felt all full of painful Jell-O after the first three routines. However, after finishing, I felt pretty damn fine. I've also been stretching, which is something I need to get caught up on.

Nominating someone for the memorial scholarship was tough. There are about six girls I wish I could've nominated, and it sucked thinking of a guy who "shows love towards his fellow man." No homo.

I really really really really wish that the brobotics team tore off their sleeves, because Was is jacked! Susan and I nodded in agreement the preponderance of aesthetically pleasing guys on the team, but there are still some others (Cartwright) who are best left with sleeves on.

Though my heart is breaking with rejection, Wasiq politely declined my invitation to prom that I shouted at him from across Doc's room (sad faces ensued). Either way, I'll get to share shirley temples with him in the Drexelbrook Corporate Center, so I can practically pretend. Also, besides that I loved hanging out with Jimmy, prom kinda sucked and post prom was also not super great (except for free Wawa). Right now, my major incentive to go to prom is that my dad is helping to build post prom (d'awww). Oh right, and also the cost, because fuck if I'm paying $75 class dues, dress, shoes, hair, (nails?), to grind on some guy I don't like to some soundtrack that "the prettiest class government" picked out and dance with people that I will effectively not care to see after graduation.

Stairway to Heaven is coming along nicely, though I seriously need some new guitar string. The most difficult part is jumping from bar 5 to D major with pinky on 4 the fourth fret, but the worst sounding part is anything on fret one.

By the end of next weekend, I will have completed 4/27 New Year's Resolutions, with 4 more of the 27 under way. I've decided that I will probably not go through with an additional 3, bringing the total up to 8/24 to be finished soonish. Some of them will have to wait until I'm 18 or it's the summer.

Dear Amanda,

You made my day.

Sincerely,
Chloe

I Didn't Know Gauss was a Unit

"I'm gonna show you guys some fields today."
"To the stadium!"

Physics is pretty sweet, and I think that if there were a liquid body on one of the moon's poles, it would have circular tides. Cartwright says I'd need to figure in the effect of the sun too, but whatever old man.

Monday night into Tuesday, I had a vivid, emotion filled dream. It woke me up, and I was very sad. However, there was some really beautiful architecture in the dream. I walked with Molly down an open brick alley, where the houses were a warm, stucco kind of appearance, very squarish European, lovely sloped sidewalks and enormous trees overshadowing with dappled sunlight. I'd like to draw it sometime, though I think the effect was more emotional because of the dream sense.

I wonder how long it takes a woman to get used to her new surname when she gets married.

Are there SI units for strange quantum mechanics properties? I realized in typing that, I don't know the term used for what a unit is actually applied to. Woah!

I set up a Google Calendar to send me a text reminder every day of three new things I added to my morning routine. It went well.

Today, before all of the terrifying physics innuendo, Cartwright said to the class, "Guys, I'm about to show you something you've never seen before." It took him a few seconds to get the demonstration set up. But while he was doing so, I realized, I'd never seen Cartwright in the that same position. In fact, while most things in my life have become familiar, there is no situation so fully identical that I've seen it before. Everything is new. I wish I could hold this thought when taking a moment for granted. Or someone. Then Cartwright showed us magnets on the overhead.

"Boys take a bath, to get more math
Girls take a shower to get more power."
In reality, it was the boys who were founding the basis of power.

This weekend had a flurry of art amidst three straight days of studying for HiQ. Yesterday, I read Best for the Baby, the romance novel that Kira got as a free gift, along with another free gift! It was very effectively the best way to shut down my brain. But, today it got me remembering about a boy I like, which got me thinking 'bout boys I don't like, which made me conclude: that Dave is a serious ass to me, and I didn't do anything wrong. Also, he's fat and slobby looking.

BULLSH*T

Okay, so let me lay down what kind of bullshit was going on at Championships after the fan bus left:

We beat Haverford by 4 points, "suck it, we're going to states" *high
fives all around* There wasn't really anything they could've
challenged, though we were considering challenging our geography
question (What gulf is Gdansk on? We said Gulf of Gdansk, which is
its current name, but the right answer was Danzig, which is what it
still says in Goode's, so eventually decided not to challenge it, also
based in part because we didn't know what the outcome of the following
would be). Anyways, we're celebrating going to states and generally
being awesome, when Rick informs us that Haverford is challenging our
answer to World History. It was the Frank Lloyd Right House, Falling
Water, and our answer was Falling Waters. BULLSHIT, Haverford. Dirty rats. We figured they wouldn't take the points, but they did. Later,
Mrs. Rock said after that announcement, the look on my face was
priceless, and that she never wants to get me mad at her because I
could beat somebody up. Keep in mind that last year when World
History was challenged, we did not get the subsequent replacement
question, so I was freaking out. They would replace just the one
question, we get four guesses, then it goes to the buzzer, and Penn
Crest had the option to decline to participate. If we got it wrong
and Haverford got it, then they would've taken second and gone to
states. If we got it wrong and Penn Crest got the pick up, we'd have
to go through a whole 'nother tie breaking game. Delightfully, Rick
told us that Penn Crest had declined to step on stage. I was about to
seek 'em out and get on my knees, since they're gods on the buzzer and
know their shit. Anyway, that was unnecessary, because the kids
voluntarily chose to come on stage, since they were all calling
bullshit too, even Ludwig. So we got up there, I wrote down BS on my
notepad. They started reading the question, and within five words we
knew it was opium. Apparently, every single kid on stage got it at
the same time, because we instantaneously let go and were practically
standing up to leave. One of the Haverford kids came over to shake
hands, and we sorta scooted as best we could away from them without
looking super impolite. Ludwig came up to Kevin Day and said he was
glad we got it, because that was bullshit. Quote. He told Rock that
he considers GV his only competition, because nobody else takes it
seriously. They got a near perfect game, including both toss ups,
only missing chemistry (which I got on the pick up point (!!!), only
because Doc told us to look at numbers yesterday, water is densest at
4 degrees Celsius), although they did have to go through a couple
guesses on some other questions. I never would've thought I would
leave that meet mad with Haverford and proud of Penn Crest, who will
probably just be a "not-as-bitter," amiable rival next year. Then, as
we were going to Friendly's, Haverford's bus pulled up right behind us
in the Granite Run Mall parking lot. We were freaking out. Mrs. Rock
was telling the bus driver there was another Friendly's on Route 1.
However, we waited to see where they were going, and they went to the
other side of the building. Paul and I ran to see, and they had gone
to McDonald's. I think the quote regarding that was, "Call the health
inspector, there are rats in McDonald's." Great times at Friendly's.
We got gummi bears. Wasiq asked the waitress we always have to sign
his shirt that our Gov class made up. Kelsey Baumes loved her Wasiq
shirt, and everyone was super impressed. Was also got his shirt
signed by basically everyone who was associated with DCIU. Tom signed
it:
God Bless
Tom McCarthy
and proceeded to inform us it literally means "God bless Tom McCarthy"
quoting "no comma, baby." It had us laughing well over 10 seconds.
Rick was flattered, and said he had to think really hard, because it
was permanent and he wouldn't get another shot. After, seriously, a
minute of deliberation and asking about where Was was going to
college, he wrote,
"Keep answering!
Rick Durante"
We made fun of him all through lunch.

Ode to Boy

I miss you more than Jeff or summer, because they are definitely coming back.
I miss you more than the past, because that's definitely dead and gone.
I miss you more, because I don't know if you'll be in my future.
You don't linger for me anymore,
otherwise I could've said it in person,
otherwise I wouldn't have had to write it.

This wasn't supposed to happen to good kids, not white kids from the 'burbs, not AP scholars with three and a half credits of biology.

If my brother wasn't hit by that car, we never would've happened. I wouldn't have squealed with such delight or smiled always so awkwardly or been so horrid. Trains moan whispers in the night of Beatnic summers, romance up in smoke.

Remember that all over ecstasy? That skin to skin circuit of electric infatuation set on fire like instantaneous lightning. My whole being in your hand on my hand under stars like lunar revolutionaries abysmally falling through space.

I said no to the first and second, but persistence is ever the victor.

Candlelit open window in your hoodie because the night air was too much for my trembling skin. Those visions persist, sin to sin, and I contemplated deep as was possible with those cloudy thoughts. Besides the rippling sensations and altered perception, you had me seeing stars.

Unweaving the Rainbow (Dawkins on Keats on Newton)

Today, I mulled around Wikipedia's "Outline of Knowledge" and was flabbergasted to discover certain things and concepts. Most notably, various meteorlogical phenomena including: false sunrises, moonbows, fogbows, (sea-dogs), sundogs, glories, parhelic circles, frost flowers, rime, hoarfrost,. Durham, NC is famous for moonbows. I've been to that damnable Southern city six times, and never knew to check the sky for a sighting. In a double rainbow, one of the rainbows will have the colors inversed to Vib G. Yor. Rainbows are colorful arcs created in water droplets. Halos are the same thing, but from ice crystals. There might be rainbows on Saturn's moon Titan. Space rainbows, who'da thunk?

Reduce, Reuse, and Recylce isn't just the catchiest way to order those words in a phrase. It's actually the most to least desirable steps to minimizing waste. Mottainai is the Japanese word expressing regret over something not being used to its full potential. It is a sensation I experience often. However, Japanese 7-11s are apparently really awful at considering this idea.


A False Friend doesn't have anything to do with people. It's a literary term. Hypocorism is the fancy word for shortening a name, like "moving picture" to "movie" or "Abraham" to "Abe."

B. Frank recommended an early submarine use "foxfire" or glowing fungus to light the underseas vessel.

Also, abstruse goose is like xkcd, but not quite as funny or developed (as far as I've yet read), but a little more mathy and a lot more self-aware.

Unrelated note: in Tiny Dancer, I thought the line was, "Jesus frees out in the streets." It was somewhat tragic to think, and even more so to realize that is not the line at all.

Hotties from Sales

At robotics, there's this particular teammate named Frank from Sales. It is also of note that I find him particularly attractive, though, alas, circumstance has prevented meaningful interaction. In a series of events that continued to not lead to meaningful interaction, today, I had the opportunity to observe the robot being strung up with all manner of electrical wire by Noah and Lauren. In the midst of this careful learning activity, Frank came over, presumably to "do work" or some such related action. Positioning himself between the robot and my innocent observations, he proceeded to bend over and muddle with something or other. Yet, it was not the responsible "bend the knees" bend over, it was a "stick your ass out" bend over. My despicable self, a notorious checker-outer of the male derriere, had to turn away stifling giggles. Arguably, if I was staying over night at any of the trips, I would put a reasonable degree of effort into getting to know him, establishing a playful camaraderie, and violently pushing the rumor that I'm easy and/or give good bjs. Perhaps most tragic, I'm unaware if he has a girlfriend or not. It's my assumption that he's single. But if not, I'd drop it even though he's hot, because I'm an ethical ho'. Actually, I wouldn't necessarily classify him as hot, but definitely appealing to my aesthetic sensibilities.

Verse is my Vice

If you want to read an article that describes the real life existence of "squid with people teeth" and "tentacle faced digbeasts," sleep with the lights on.

Little brother, I worry sometimes. These late nights, you're so alive.

Sculpture of words and whispers.

The "Spend Nothing Game.." Like the "Quiet Game," but for adults and more fulfilling.

I dream about the summer, but cannot tell if it's the past or future.

Reflecting on infinity, I insisted it was a definitive number when I was little. My dad tried to break this notion by reminding me "you could always add another one."

Damn your beauty. I have only been alive for 16 Mays, 17 summers.

Delirium brings me closer to you and to orgasm. My fantasies are vivid.

Mmm... Bacon... *aughargle* Empiricism. *mmm*

In the Midnight Hour

I hate songs in drop D, because they're so rockin', and I don't want to spend the time or effort to tune down. Same goes for half-step down, or anything written by Brand New or Dashboard Confessional. This revelation is specifically spurred by a sincere desire to tear up "Savior" by Rise Against. What I'd envision is myself on guitar, singing the first half of the chorus, and a guy the second half (maybe playing drums), with variable refrain and verse.

Today, I got four shots of novacaine. When they told me to rinse my mouth out, I slurred and stumbled something akin to, "This is going to be an embarrassment." Through sheer luck, I twice managed to not leak fluids all over myself and the office floor. However, eating lunch must not have been pleasant for accidental spectators.

-------------

Occasion’ly, the languid thought
Drifts sleepy through my mind,
"If maybe human progress is a Babylon in kind."
Foundations build on axioms and mathematic proof
Ascended by technology to sweeping, gabled roof.
The peak of this achievement
In some future dappled dawn,
May not to be to reach a god,
But make one all our own.

----------

Hey, SADD, get the fuck on a coffeehouse will you?

Even so much as a year ago, I doubt I would've considered guitar to ever be an important part of my life. However, I give it a pretty good deal of my time now.

Past Passed

When I was little, growing up meant a lot more ice cream, a lot less rules, and no bedtime.

This evening was spent in the company of horrendously immature babblers, falling over themselves to correct each others' knowledgeable, irrelevant professions.

"He could've handled that better." AP Gov is one of the most entertaining, enlightening classes I've ever had the pleasure to experience. Strange, that there have been more original ideas and witty statements flung out in this class than in English. I am besides myself with gratefulness.

"Let me become acutely aware of all I've taken for granted."
-Sylvia Plath, one of the very few interesting things of hers I've read

Between school and now, with robotics in between, I managed to complete 7 of the 9 homework assignments written on my hand and both visual and verbal expressions of what my first real orgasm felt like.

I've been practicing hacky-sacking. I don't know what the verb is, much like I do not know the term for one who plays the accordion (more like discordian! Ayo!)

If PSSAs were to start all over again tomorrow, I'd be reduced to passing notes across the middle person to Kira. Those few hours were so much fun, like one great big Breakfast Club detention. I wish there was something to apologize for, so I could maybe have some more moments like that. Mostly, I'd be apologizing for getting older.

MOEbotics and Generalties

Animation team is fairly caput and could be relegated to meeting only when Ms. Pensak is going to be there. I don't feel like a part of the team, and wish I didn't have to go to meetings or regionals.

"I can make you happy. Or disappear for a while."

After HiQ practice before semifinals, I stepped out afterward and stopped at my locker. Nevermind. I sometimes forget who reads this blag.

Nobody listens to their damnable lyrics. I hate the teeny-boppers who swear by their pop and have no idea what "Semi-Charmed Life" is about. "What do you mean, Chloe? Surely, the song is not about blowjobs and crystal meth as you speak?!"

I consider myself a sexual creature, desirous of pleasure, given and received. Secrets sworn to myself, "Never fake it! It only propigates that women deserve less!" Sadly, the female orgasm relies not just on physical sensation, but a state of mind. At a certain point, I just want them to stop. That's if they even get started at all. I've given a (un)fair share of bjs without any demands or even requests for reciprocation.

Doing the Dishes

Quite often, I feel sexiest doing the dishes. It's a 1950s nostalgic kind of feminine sexy. Congratulations, society, on associating feminine roles with sex appeal! It also reminds me of the scene from Catch Me If You Can where the mother is doing the dishes, then the father pulls her away to dance.

Today, however, our heater broke as my brother was doing the dishes. At first, we didn't realize that was the issue, so we kept talking and listening to music. Eventually, I set to doing the dishes with the still warm pot of water, cold water rinses. We sang together. It's the first time in kinda a while.

Scientia sine arte nihil est

I don't know whose hand hung Hesperus in the sky, and fixed the Dog Star, and scattered the shining dust of Heaven, and fired the sun, and froze the darkness between the lonely worlds that spin in space.
-- Gerald Kersh

Every so often, Science-Fiction and abstract reasoning call me with a largeness I cannot comprehend, let alone quantify. What is the universe made of? How am I, a bunch of atoms, capable of studying other atoms? Does time exist if nothing is happening to mark its passage? I assume there are a finite number of protons in this world? Can they be broken up? Have we lost any? Do we have an inkling of how many there are? Can the universe have weight? It has mass and a lot of vacuum, but is there gravity acting outside of it? What about the gravity acting inside of it? What is the universe expanding into? The speed of light is dependent on the medium, and I always considered that a vacuum was not a medium, but I guess it is. Traveling through nothing means you can go a lot faster. If there was an infinitely long, frictionless path, arbitrarily in the -y with gravity acting on it, would, theoretically, an object fall long enough to turn into light? Right now, I'm sitting where I once cried on the floor wrapped up in your arms. How can I explain my thoughts? Why do they exist? How does existence, atoms of molecules of compounds of cells of tissue of organs of a body, somehow produce a being capable of thought? How does this physical form manage to function long enough to grow old enough to appreciate the life it was given? to fall innocently in love?

My Day/Two Days

My Day:
Almost had a solo orgasm in the wee hours of the morning
Represented HiQ, a lucky break of guesses and questions from my section had me lookin' outstanding on stage
Mrs. Bucci spontaneously told me that I had the potential for a career in art
"Surly, Apathetic Teenager Compares Herself to Bear Riding Bus" got an Honorable Mention in the PhilWP
Animation Instructor titled me as her Head Animator and Right Hand Lady when she debuted our terrifying animated short for the rest of MOE
As the bronze heart charm necklace lay nestled on my bosom, I appreciated my body and the boys who have loved it

Two Days (the twins):
HiQ meet today was spectacular. A number of the questions were ones that we had specifically gone over and over and over and had become near jokes at that point. Highlights included three pulled-from-my-ass saves, pointing to Wasiq in saying, "Sheikh Jarrah," Kevin Day being adorable, hands shaking as he buzzed in a toss up question, him and James being acknolwedged as twins by Radnor's advisor, Strath Haven kids getting directions to Concord Pike Pizza, setting us on a Holy Mission to destroy Penncrest, and generally enjoying the free Aquapods provided by our reception.

Two Days (numerical calendar days until another memory passes):
HiQ Championships! The last home meet of my senior year means the last home meet ever. After Penncrest, my sweater will have lost its functionality as a symbol of something it is, and become something that was. Four years: untold meet hours, studying hours, Friendly's Hours, talking about it hours, Rock Band party hours. Next Tuesday, I have Mrs. Rock for Macro, Gov, HiQ ENH, and after school. I see her more than either of my parents. HiQ has been more than some academic competition or something to pass the time, and its time is about to pass.

"Girl, I want to lay you down by the fire with a bowl of popcorn and watch some Fresh Prince reruns."

Educa-shun

AP Gov is one of my favorite classes. It's probably because of Mrs. Rock and the class discussions and the preponderance of intellectually and visually stimulating guys in the class. Admittedly, there has only been one test for us to fail thus far, but I am indifferent to my grades. That apathy is not a result of impending senioritis. It's been my work ethic since sophomore year. Strangely enough, this entire year has actually brought a clarification of learning. All of my classes are engaging. It's almost frightening. Up until recently, I've attributed this interest to the fact nearly all of the classes I'm taking present new material. Literature finally broached some serious analysis, in limited content. Psych was a phenomenal classroom experience besides the entire field of information I'd never been academically exposed to. Even Topics and Color & 2D held my focus and deserved some degree of effort. Now, economics is rousing and relevant and there's lots of candy. Gov is surprisingly contentious, and no one is hesitant to voice a view in opposition to Mrs. Rock. Even in the short time, Drawing & Painting has improved my skills. Physics feels entirely new, and I'm wonderfully engaged. While the majority of these classes had no previous knowledge base for me, I wonder if maybe I simply never took advantage of the amazing curriculum at GV before. Perhaps these new revelations are not a result of new learning, but a new perspective that I unconsciously assumed. Also, my teachers are kick ass this year.