Saturday, January 17, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing that I didn't believe when Dave told me I looked good or made him happy entitled, "FAITHLESS." It is undated, but was written before Friday, September 12th, 2008.

I can't list the ways you make me happy you just do. I feel guilt over my lack of trust.
"
beautiful
gorgeous
hot stuff
everything happened that was supposed to
this ... [picture] illustrates my feelings for you
You make me feel so awesome
That was awesome
You make me very happy, Chloe
I let you turn me into a Communist
Your named was just carved into a big house's driveway
Wish You Were Here
"

P.S. I did wind up believing it eventually, but still not entirely.

[edit] P.P.S. The picture was of fireworks when he was away in Pittsburgh

Friday, January 16, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my conflicting emotions and fear of being involved with Dave (before he loved me). It is dated Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008.

I don't think I'm phenominally attached to him. In fact it's hard. I like the attention and the fun and fooling around, and Dave will be the best I have in high school. However, I keep having dreams and song interpretations that I'm going to hurt him. I may be giving myself too much credit though. My biggest fear now is that he'll say, "Kiss me hard, 'cause this will be the last time that I let you." So I try to remember our last kiss just in case. :(

P.S. I do remember our last kiss, and I was upset because I was scared that it might be, and it was a terrible kiss and I got his hair in my mouth. He won't remember it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry listing adjectives I was going to use while writing a song for Dave. It is dated Friday, October 10th, 2008.

Vegetarian, anarchist, tattoo'd, pot smoking, guitar playing, rock 'n' rolling, hilarious, genius, detached, Vonnegut reading, Canadian, photographer, artist, snowboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding, surfing, swimming, peace loving, me loving, bandana donned, hot and handsome, music composing hippi

P.S. I didn't write him a song, and I didn't get mine.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my frustration at coming up with a pet name for how deviously enamored I was with Dave. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

I hate the pet name game because words don't describe how physically attracted I am to you. It's not just your dark complexion, swimmer's body, or fantastic hair. It's also in the way you stand when you play guitar, or the various scars on your hands, how small you make me feel, and the stupid tickle of your neckbeard (Not that I'm endorsing it). "Hot" "handsome" "cute" "sexy" don't do any justice because each has other implications and whatever desire you arouse in me that's strictly physical transcends that. You are some fine eye candy though.

P.S. I'm not entirely sure why I wrote so many notes directly addressing him. Maybe I was planning to say it out loud or hoped he would find it someday. The ones addressed directly to him are the ones I can't post for the most part.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Left Shoe

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has. I feel better.


I WILL NEVER BE SILENT
But I don't want comfort.
I want God,
I want poetry,
I want real danger,
I want freedom,
I want goodness,
I want sin.
I would live my beautiful ideal
R-U-N-N-O-F-T
It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead
Vivez sans tempo mort
Anarchy is for lovers
Please me and have no regrets
That's not fair! That's not fair at all! There was time now. There was all the time I needed...
TAKE RISKS
I'm a sucker for a happy ending
Going to California
Always do what you are afraid to
JUMP
As they have dared, so shall I
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Each betrayal begins with trust, every man returns to dust
I'll never have the moon
TANGERINE
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high
There's no hope, but I may be wrong
Your hair down to your legs and your legs down to the floor
WASTE
And all a wonder and a wild desire
You've got to walk that lonesome valley You've got to walk it by yourself
I have beautiful dreams and a gorgeous reality
You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love
Be Silly. Be Honest. Be Kind.
44/16=2.75
.. .--. --- .--- . -.-- --- .--
SOCO AMARETTO LIME
Fades to background of drums and gunshots
I WILL FIND A WAY
All things must pass. All things must pass away.
The cause of war is preparation for war
I came into this world, not chiefly to make this a good place to live in, but to live in it, good or bad
the most alive is the WILDEST
I long for you tragically, A.T.Chapman [I got this wrong]
We come spinning out of nothingness. Scattering stars like dust.
The blue ones are MAGIC
When a man cannot choose he ceases to be a man
Maple Street, in the last calm and reflective moment before the monsters came
Deep as first love and wild with all regret
Let there be truth between us forever more
NO LIES, JUST LOVE
The people I respect the most behave as if they were immortal and as if society was eternal
Be realistic
Demand the impossible
BARE FEET INVITE TROUBLE
This is the strangest life I've ever seen
Remember when you were young?
You shone like the sun
I'm feeling this
If I seem free, it's because I'm always running
The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret
The Realms of the Unreal
FUCK YOUR CONTROLS!
This is not an EXIT
O for a life of sensations
I will trust what is deep is holy
This is a dimension of imagination
Thou art to me a delicious torment
I do not believe in god, because I believe in man
the passion you sparked in me one terrible night that persuaded my soul to ignite
I stepped on a dandelion and cried for all of the wishes that could have come true
Down with a world in which the guarantee we will not starve has been bought with the guarantee we will die of boredom
NEVER WORK
Poor people don't exist when times are good
'When it happens, it happens'
LOVE IS UNREASONABLE MADNESS
Stars and rain can be seen through glass ceilings
I AM ENJOYING EXISTENCE AS MUCH AS EVER AND REGRET NOTHING
Deep as first love and wild with all regret, O Death in Life, the days that are no more [not a mistake, I repeated it]
Reflecting on the time when this life shined
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
ALL MEN LOVE A LOVER
A+

there are a number of small doodles all over the shoe.
there are a number of sayings meant to remember everyone.
i'd tell you which one(s) are yours if you ask.
for the most part, if you recognize it and can associate it with me, its for you.
others are special and more secret.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about my feelings for Dave prior to him tell me he loved me. It is dated Sunday, August 31st, 2008.

Dave,
I'm writing this not so much for you as for me. I've no doubt there's a goodbye in our future, but you''ll still make me laugh, so it can't end that badly. Every day that thought crossed my mind, but I also remembered that I have you in the now and I'm going to have fun every day I get a chance to be with you. However long it stays fun, interesting, or exciting is how long I'll be here.
I'll do my best to keep you,
Chloe

Monday, January 12, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry about how distrusting I was of my body image. It is dated Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008.

My mom doesn't tell me I'm pretty. Only that at my age she weighed ten pounds less than me and she's glad I have the self-confidence not to wear make-up. I'd never get a word from my dad. So I'm having a hard time believing. I can't even believe that I'm arousing and/or inspiring good feelings. I thought the whole thing was a bet. I felt prettier and smarter and stronger without you.

P.S. I wrote the last part extra bold. Initially I thought that Dave was flirting with me on some sort of bet, most likely with Joe Marino.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing the wonderful, wonderful things that happened to Dave and I since we started flirting around, entitled, "3 Months." It is undated, but written sometime after October 23rd.

July 5th: R+J I'm crushin'
July 15th: Ducks, grist mill, RHPS
July 19th: Night walk DAC
July 30th: First Kiss/Stigmata
August 5th: Girlfriend
August: Wonderful
<28th- Nightwalk, 22nd Cops. penis
September 7th: I love you
September 12th: Tuxeuhffblllehhph
September 20th: Alpaca
September 21: I love him too
September 27th: Cocksucker
October 3rd: Wordless hour
October 9th: Grist Mill

October 31st: Halloween
November-February: :]

P.S. The "<" part was written in the margin. I told him I wasn't going to fuck him before October and his birthday was in February explain the last entry. My first chance came very shortly afterwards, but I didn't because of loyalty to a friend, the way it might have sounded in the future, and the way I remember things and make association. So often I wonder if I should've taken it, but am glad I did not.