I've Never Been Drunk, but I Have Lied

"There is no poem that can make up for the time we have lost."

Why am I worth waiting for? Why does it happen that guys would rather say no than corrupt me? Why can't I be a normal fuck and chuck. I'm so frustrated. I've done things I never wanted to and figure it's better doing something than nothing. I think my innocence made me worth loving. I think I loved myself for my innocence.

I'd rather be wanted than needed. To be wanted is selfish satisfaction. To be needed is selfish control, a selfish power, and one can let the other person down. Still, I'd rather be either than neither.

Much as I disdain the lifestyle, I've always seen myself as capable of being a housewife. At least in the beginning, until I get resentful or the man gets complacent. If I had somebody respectable to love who'd love to fuck me, I could get on my hands and knees to scrub the floor.

"We won't touch, but I'll do 100 sit ups a day for two weeks."

I had a dream about Jimmy last night. Well, the main focus wasn't him, but he's probably why I remembered it. Him, Rob, Josh, and Grayson were renting an apartment in Philly together, and Grayson had invited me over for a party. After guiltily cockblocking him and his girlfriend for some of my dream, I ventured out to see the rest of the party. Jimmy and Josh did not acknowledge me, and I didn't know what so say. Then I made fun of Rob. There was drinking, so I left, and walked around Philly for a while. I was sad and had forgotten where I'd parked.

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."

— Robert Fritz

A Lone Gunman Can't Shoot Anybody Else

An idiot is without reason, unreasonable, if you will. In that, my emotions have enslaved me to idiocy. Cease thinking, it is time to feel pain disproportionate to provocation. How's that vagina treating you? Because it's the worse thing that ever happened to a girl, to be born. Bleed. Suffer all manner of irrational despair. Get fucked. Continue propagating and bring the next generation into misery. Females are the un-fairer sex. What an idiot. What a brilliant idiot.

In Action

I want to shout in the streets like Ginsberg's tragic poets. The damned and defeated have nothing to lose but time, while I creep in my room looking for satisfaction in words rather than action with other bodies. It was discomfort and inconvenience that made me feel too old and too scared. There is no future of fiery shrieks in the night choked up in laughter. No gasping breath materializes a shimmering fog suspended in night air. All manner of limbs fall about in wildness only in fantastic visions of who I am not and will not. There is something Romanitic to the billow of smoke and sharpened clarity of stars. Lie in the grass in the summer at night and the world morphs to some unbelievabl contradiction. Time and distance grow beyond the realms of comprehension while the whole world shrinks to the senses of something alive. The night sky stretches indefinitely for the overwhelming contentment of one mind. Inhale. Stop breathing. The world simplifies. Exhale in slow motion.

Good Day (As Usual)

Dan invited me to lunch with Gabby, Brandon, and Jake, and now I feel my life is lacking intentional ironic absurdity. There was some slight chillin' at Dan's house before we left where I organized the G.'s Apples to Apples box. Brandon played guitar. Dan sang. The singing continued as we hit the road. During "Jump Around," we shook the car. Listening to "Closer" by NIN followed. Now, while that song is incredibly sexy, in my Top 10 Songs to Strip To List*, and is not a family friendly song to blast, it is an incredibly amusing song to blast. Our destination was orange pleather heaven, Tom Jones, and I got the Blue Ribbon Special**, as always. I trusted Jake enough to give him my sausage, but he finished neither mine nor his own and relocated them to Brandon's plate. Besides that, I ate everything, and will take a nap to sleep it off. Hopefully, I'll hang out with Stasi or Jeff or peeps later tonight, but I may be whisked away to see my cousins down from NYC.

*Closer- NIN
Pleased to Meet You- Wolfmother
Whole Lotta Love- Zeppelin
Sweet Child in Time- Deep Purple
When I Grow Up- Pussycat Dolls
Roadhouse Blues- The Doors
No One Knows- Queens of the Stone Age
If You Seek Amy- Britney Spears
Okay, so maybe I don't have ten

**Coffee or tea,
juice or soda,
two eggs,
two bacon,
two sausage,
two pancakes,
and toast.
$3.79

I Am Making a List of Pros and Cons

[Love makes time pass...]

I'm at a loss for words, so I'll hum you a tune! I feel very small, and that I'm too young for this. I still make wishes on blue M&Ms, and now I feel dirty. It's the most reasonable time to think about what I want, because I don't want to waste magic wishing for something I can do on my own.

Nothing is crueler than children who come from good homes.

I'm going to take all the butterflies and stab them and put them in display cases.

People have some pretty bad short stories. Not sayin' that's a personal reflection on all of their writing, but a lot of the problem is their writing style.

The fuck? TMI. I don't want a Facebook anymore. It's too easy to hear what you never wanted to consider.

Pancakes. Woods. Stories. Enlightening. 18 or older with ID. <3ART.

[...and time makes love pass.]