Even good kids can hurt their parents deeply without realizing it. It feels terrible to realize. I feel like shit knowing how hurtful I am to my mom. This woman who is, literally, living for you and your brother, and you're so disdainful. Still, she is infinitely the better person for taking it and knowing you're just a child. It doesn't make it sting any less, she's just that much more the grown up. Forgive yourself and do your best to be kind. It's all you can do. It really is all there is to the world.
It's okay to be disingenuous now too, to an extent. You're 18 years old, nearly 19. That's the very beginning of life. Kids are naturally themselves- they don't know any different. You're still growing up and finding the many different people you could be. It's okay to find some of them aren't a good fit for you. There's time to settle into yourself. Again, be kind, and you'll come to like grown up Chloe. There's a lot of natural potential there, so don't worry too hard. Really, all the amazing people in your life are there because you're pretty cool too. Of all the people in your life, you probably think the least of yourself, which is something, considering how much you show off. :P A good remedy for that would be good old fashioned work. Things do come naturally to you, and it's certainly a gift. But barely acceptable work doesn't cut it. Honest to goodness, you're only truly exceptional when you work, and knowing that you can and have done great things tends to alleviate personal anxieties. Yes, there isn't one grand goal to work towards right now, but that's no excuse. The person you want to be is a good role model, is someone you'd want to respect. That person is responsible and does a good job- no more half-assing things. The ability is there. If you want to play guitar, do it. If you want to know how to sew, spend time applying yourself. "It takes time and effort." All important things do. You shouldn't be proud of anything that took less than twenty minutes. Unless speed and quick-thinking were absolutely key.
Those are really big, generalizing claims that you can't be too sure of, being only 18 and all. The one thing I know for certain is to cool it with the boys. Yes, post-college abyss of freedom is really scary to think about, but college is not the time to figure everything out. For one, there are truly amazing opportunities you're going to miss if you try to decide things too early. Grow up a little before getting locked into things and enjoy being young in the meantime. You've been pretty good about making options for yourself when not taking advantage of everything already available. That's a quality that should stick around for a while. Let the rest of you settle down. You're an absolute stunner, it's true. Any guy who will be good for you is going to like you. Find a whole bunch of those. Experience romance and another heartbreak or two. That way you'll know what to do in case something really serious happens. Yeah, it might suck being a teenage girl for another year, but things have more weight when you're older. That's why you need to be mature in order to handle it. It'll be okay. With more pain comes more breathtaking. You live an exquisite life, just keep with the following: Be kind. Be patient. Do work. You're a good kid.