Stapler

I think my stapler looks like a sleepy smiling Japanese cartoon character. It's square and has two eyes, a circular nose and a mouth. I guess it looks like this -__- but with a nose.

FML

I HAD IT SO GOOD! Fuck you time and coincidence! I told myself I don't judge, I don't compare, but holy hell other boys make me miss him and everything he's good at. Bitches need to learn to kiss.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Christmas Eve: A Day of Firsts

Today was a day of two very important firsts, and the lesser is that I finally beat Minesweepers on Expert and I did it in 430 seconds.

Questions I Should Ask

Why won't you just say, "Fuck your control. I'm young and in love."?
Who were those thoughts about?
Do you ever get down about it like I do?
How could you be the one person I thought I connected to and let go?
Have you loved any of them?
Who did this to you?
Why would you let me do it to myself?
You know I'd be behind you anyway, right?
Oh god, did you ever think of me after you told me that?
Did you think I wouldn't care after all those memories?
How come you never told me if the cops got the bastard?
You only saw me for those twenty minutes or so in the shared spotlight, but what did you think of us?
I know it's been ages since that picture was taken, but when's the last time you smiled like that?
Do you love her?
What did you wish for on those stars?
Who is/was she?
Are you scared like I was?
Did you ever figure out what it said?
Will you let yourself be free when you're free of us?
Are we holding you back?
How much do you think I miss you, and how jealous do you think I am of your new life?
Why do I feel like I missed you too late?
Did you feel alone even though I was there for you?
Why can't we keep making memories like the ones we couldn't stop laughing at?
Which one of you got in the tree first?
In retrospect, do you see how hateful it made me?
Did you realize that I realized too when you said that?
How much do you remember beyond your trite associations?
Will you ever go back for him?
What did he do to make you fall in love with him?
Would you have ever gone through with it or said something?
Do you ever miss your friends and your life?
When did I start seeing you as tired and broken people?
Why did I ever change my feelings about you?
Would you really save that spot for me?
Do you ever wonder why they're really there?
How would you feel if you found out their answers?
Do you know I'm proud and jealous of you?
I know you meant what you said years ago, but did you ever acknowledge it afterwards?
Was I the one who let you down the most?
Why didn't you tell me about your hopes for me?
Why haven't we spoken before this?
Do you know about them?
What would you do if you found out?
How could someone do that to you?
When did you become a terrible person?
Are we going to ruin this?

PJ Par-tay

I wore my PJs to school.
Teachers and students alike were jealous of how comfy I was.
My mom was supposed to pick me up at 3:30.
My bus gets home before 3:00.
She was home when I got there.
She flipped out.
"You let her walk out the door like that?" she accosted my dad.
"She's got her own personality if you haven't noticed," he replied.
Made my day.
Plus Jeremy Bean loved it.

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my feelings and memories about JoeKat post break up. It is dated Friday, May 23rd, 2006.


"Alright, magic for real?"
I've forgiven everything I ever held against my beloved Kacey. I utterly swear by it. I knew even when I hated that it was my fault, so it was just a lot of self loathing, and I am completely indebted to him for relieving me of that. I don't know when the last time I screwed up was. I guess it was when I was dating him.

Anyway.

I never wanted to be her. I couldn't stand the thought that someone else could hate me with such passion. I didn't even know I was capable of such hate. Of course, Abby assured me that Sarah would get over it and that we were free to date. Sarah and I had had a falling out over this little issue because she knew we were flirting. She's a tad bit dramatic and moody. Only a tad. If she had outright said anything to me, of course I would have never been her Kacey, because I understood.

Even when Trisha asked me the day before, she said she knew, but I was telling the truth. Emotion got the best of logic and loyalty. Oops... That was January 25th. The twenty-sixth I saw JUNO and told him. The twenty-seventh I made a playlist of 27 songs that made me incredibly happy because they made me think of him. I don't know what they were for the most part, so I don't associate them with him. Although there is quite a bit more that makes me think of him... He said he'd think about it. He liked me, but he didn't know if he secretly was still crushing on Hillary. I wouldn't have minded. He was still ridiculously jealous of Matt. Maybe still is. There's nothing there, and after him, there hasn't been since. He didn't realize. Still doesn't.

Our first kiss was on Valentine's Day. He made me an adorable "slide show" that he spent hours working on. I filled some of a book of words for him. I wish I could see that. I don't know what I wrote in the throws of emotion. I'm pretty sure there was dirty txting before our first kiss. Some emotional secret sharing too. Yep, in the same night. Lemme check that... Yep, February 7th I think. Then on, possibly the 9th? A picture of him lifting weights without a top on. That was hot. I'm still hot for him. I can't believe how insecure he is. I guess he thought I wanted an Adonis. *sigh*

Anyway, masturbating was a whole lot more fun because there were images and ideas to try. Plus the emotion and fantasizing pleasure of having a distinct "lover" to think about. I had my first orgasm because of the dirty txting. (I think?) I also was a lot more willing to try things on my own because in my head, I was practicing to show him. Although I did have my first (and last as of this writing) lesbian sex dream. It wasn't bad. I still haven't watched porn, but I started researching things we could buy once he was 18. I'm sure if we were still dating I would have given him head, or at least a hand job. I got close to the handjob... On the band bus. Never again.

I didn't mind, really. Of course Matt is right to say I'm sexually frustrated, but for a while I stopped taking the wrappers off of bottles. I learned a lot about myself, what I'm willing to do, how trivial I view a lot of emotion and experiences, and just about relationships and how to feel physically good. He was sweet and romantic when we talked, but accidentally, cutely. Before we were dating he told me he would never let me lick the floor of the first practice room. He also said if I ever needed a hug he'd be there. I wonder if they still apply. We shared nightly dreams, day dreams, fears, goals, the weather, and then stupid little things. However, I have no idea what we talked about for small talk other than drumline.

Jeff once said he had an entire conversation with him about running water. Really? I want that now. I sorta wanted it then.

I completely forgot about our after school/before drumline special. We had two, and I don't remember when the other one was. Maybe it was three? Yes, three. We organized crayons and I read the book he wrote when he was six about his birthday party. I dressed up as a pirate and we watched [S]crubs together. I do miss that. I don't know when the other one was, but I had to take out the wallet in his back pants pocket so I could grab his ass better.

Anyway, I went to his house, and his sister was there, which was weird. We watched [S]crubs again, not a particularly interesting episode I think. Then I wanted to see his Pokemon cards so we went to the basement to look. However, they were up in his room... He found them and I legitimately wanted to look at them because I knew what being in his room would lead to and I was hesitant. I was looking at the book on the floor, and he suggested we go to the bed. I knew, and was fluttery about it, but who gives a fuck. (haha) He was rushing me looking at them, which really was upsetting in hind sight because he just wanted me to lay down so he could get on me instead of waiting for me to finish with the cards. There are plastic glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. I'm sure they mean so much more to me than to him. We made Nutella sammiches and turns out Nutella kisses are just regular kisses.

It's odd because it's JoeKat, but I write incredibly distanced from it all. It was nice, but it also wasn't really him in my mind...

Postscript: Still haven't had a lesbian sex dream since then

General Texts:

Ur hilarious. Haha. Im glad that the chick im being brutally honest with is blondmcblondblond. But ur the only whose actually truly asked. ;)
-Wasiq

So the lady at Olive Garden just seated my mom and I. She walked away, and soon after, another woman walks up to us, and says, 'Be right with you, ladies.'
-Jimmy

alright chlo your the best thanks love you too
-Jack

Laissez fare, barrel of monkeys and anti-american anti-god communists.
-Matt

Integrizzle my derivatizzle.
-Matt

The Cover and the Song and the Reference and the Wrong

I sleep diagonal in my bed.

Soco Amaretto Lime

Tonight was the commencement of The Power Pit Reunion Party, though only four of the original power pit were in attendance. Jeff and I spent the beginning of the afternoon with Viv, watching hilarious YouTube videos and kittens and somethingawful and cryptwalking and general hilariousity. From there we drove to Matt's to eat some cookies and listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Three kids lying in his living room surrounding a boom box spewing the general humour and political commentary of NPR. It was gorgeous. After the program we had to leave after being distracted by the TI-NSpire. On the way into Nicki's development, a track had begun playing that Jeff wanted me to listen to, but he said there wasn't enough time. While it was enjoyable to hear about the exotic college lives of other students, it felt like an exceedingly lengthy party. Molly and I had a tickle fight, Sarah C. brought an unusually large amount of animal crackers, and it was all around a warm time recalling fond memories rather than making them. Sleepy Gina left before me, though I was similarly batting eyelids. Jeff was going to bring me home to my mom's, and it was the second time in a month I've cried in front of him. The song was Soco Amaretto Lime, and the memory was not mine, but the thought of it brought tears of jealousy for their beauty and friendship. A boy I do not know who plays guitar and drinks and parties was playing his instrument alone on stage for baccalaureate. Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New. Towards the end of the song, his friends stood up in the crowd and sang. They sang with him, "We'll stay 18 forever. You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love." At every party, no matter what stage of sobriety or drunkenness, they would stand and sing this song together before leaving. Driving home in the car with Jeff, I thought how there cannot be anything more perfect and beautiful in the world, and how I do not think I will have that. I teared up, I could not speak. I thought of the last time the pit felt like home. When Trisha, Matt, Abby, Sarah, and I, those who would be there through our graduation, could take anything with a grain of salt and humour and maybe a little song and laugh. How I thought that they would the people to have life altering revelations with in the dark of night, screaming in cars to music we could sure as hell learn to play, and staying out under the stars in a giddy stupor until we had a memory worth writing about. I remembered my time of existence when I was young and in love, and was jealous of those who still are and how close and how far everything seems. Graduation is not far away and the new year is not far away, and suddenly tomorrow will be next year's celebration of our last year together and then the last year will be gone and moved on. And I cried and he hugged me saying "It's not a red light, but that's alright. Do you just miss stuff?" [pause and nod], "I do too." And I cried at the way he said it, but it was good.

I love you guys.