Dear Gina,
You may consider it a cold and painful betrayal for me to say this and address you as "dear," but I still love you. You are still the same incredible person, even though now you can see me for the backstabber I am. My guilt is infinitesimal compared to every emotion you are experiencing, even before the sickening physical feelings. Even if I could explain what I did, it wouldn't change your terrible pain. I'm not going to ask for forgiveness. I know not only is it useless, but there may not be a time in the near future when I deserve it. I am sorry this had to be in a sterile and public blog, but I know that any private communication between us would only further your heartbreak.
With all of my heart,
Chloe
........ ...................... .........
Dear Sarah,
Gina needs you by her side, and I need you there for her too. We need to have a professional and cordial relationship for band, but beyond that, do give the vaguest consideration for my motivation. I'll miss you.
Sincerely,
Chloe
........ ...................... .........
Abby,
I'll continue to be the hypocritical backstabbing slut and you can continue to hate me while both parties who were actually involved are at college. You're the only one I'm angry at for this line "If this is my reaction, imagine what it will do to her." Your reaction doesn't matter. She knew well before you did. I don't have to imagine what her reaction was. It was made very clear the sickening, heartbreaking pain I have inflicted on my friend. After this, I'm sure you won't tell me what the old stories are, but I'm still curious.
Chloe
........ ...................... .........
Dear Joey,
I am ashamed to see you. Some of the only relief I have found is that you are an amazing brother and will be there for her. I know you are reasonable and will be cordial.
Sincerely,
Chloe
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Just the Smell of the Summer...
I am not ready to be a senior. This time next year, I will be left or leaving.
I tried making myself nothing to protect you, but they always promise, "Nothing can hurt you."
I believe in Page 89.
Did you sing "Happy Birthday" to your mom? You sing when I sing, even if we don't know the words.
Thursday could otherwise be a funny and embarrassing story.
I listened to the playlist "Girly Songs" for the first time since last October.
Playing guitar and singing is embarrassing for me. I didn't know you were there.
I kissed Jeff.
I tried making myself nothing to protect you, but they always promise, "Nothing can hurt you."
I believe in Page 89.
Did you sing "Happy Birthday" to your mom? You sing when I sing, even if we don't know the words.
Thursday could otherwise be a funny and embarrassing story.
I listened to the playlist "Girly Songs" for the first time since last October.
Playing guitar and singing is embarrassing for me. I didn't know you were there.
I kissed Jeff.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.
After three free years of dutiful, fashionable service, I need to get new flip-flops. :(
Tubing was super fun and Kate is super awesome! Part of me wishes the boys had floated off together so we could girly gossip.
I have books to read! Also, I don't know where the Huck Finn journals are or what we're supposed to do for How to Read Literature Like a Professor.
Even if I were to explain everything, it will still hurt. Seeing me will still make you want to cry.
Nick has disappeared off the face of the earth again. It sucks waiting.
I'm not scared that I'll wind up alone.
After three free years of dutiful, fashionable service, I need to get new flip-flops. :(
Tubing was super fun and Kate is super awesome! Part of me wishes the boys had floated off together so we could girly gossip.
I have books to read! Also, I don't know where the Huck Finn journals are or what we're supposed to do for How to Read Literature Like a Professor.
Even if I were to explain everything, it will still hurt. Seeing me will still make you want to cry.
Nick has disappeared off the face of the earth again. It sucks waiting.
I'm not scared that I'll wind up alone.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Devil Made Them Clever
I'm for decency — period. I'm for anything and everything that bodies love and consideration for my fellow man.
If you can make a woman laugh you can do anything with her.
We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
the most dangerous plaything.
the most dangerous game.
A woman's strength is in her tongue.
His style is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning.
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
Will they notice? No? It should be assumed not, but I do not investigate myself, merely dismiss it.
One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.
Fear is the enemy of logic.
I am a miser of my memories of you
And will not spend them.
One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.
Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad.
A man's real possesion is his memory. In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden.
If you can make a woman laugh you can do anything with her.
We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
the most dangerous plaything.
the most dangerous game.
A woman's strength is in her tongue.
His style is chaos illumined by flashes of lightning.
Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.
Will they notice? No? It should be assumed not, but I do not investigate myself, merely dismiss it.
One must eat muffins quite calmly, it is the only way to eat them.
Fear is the enemy of logic.
I am a miser of my memories of you
And will not spend them.
One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.
Reminiscences make one feel so deliciously aged and sad.
A man's real possesion is his memory. In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Things to Say
1. For my own jealous purposes, I wished you ill. Then, I felt ill.
2. I'm sorry I never invited you to my house for movies and an adventure.
3. You are very encouraging despite my doubt, "Are we really friends?"
4. I wasn't joking and I know you knew it.
5. You're a cool kid. Tag team rules.
6. It is impossible to express how much I value our conversation and your friendship.
7. I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend, but you make me scared and jealous. You're the only person who can do that though, so congrats.
8. I miss you, but what can we even talk about? I would listen to you for hours talk about anything, but I always feel like it's gossip, about you, or nothing.
9. I don't think any boy or girl is good enough for you. You are unique.
10. I'm going to miss you a lot. Even though you just left, and we didn't talk frequently, you understood my embarrassment and left an open invitation.
11. I told you we weren't friends. I tried tonight, not well, but I was hampered by fear. I hope, in the least, you recognized the awkward effort.
12. I love you, and I love your family, and I wish there had been time enough for me to appreciate you more. I'm utterly ecstatic for you, but a lil' jealous he gets your time.
13. We should be friends. You are interesting and exceptional.
14. Love her and tell her she is gorgeous, because you are finally a guy who might deserve her.
15. Part of your mystery is being unreachable and far away. It forces us to miss you.
16. So far, the only imperfections I recognize in you are your genetic defects and you're not a fantastic "deep kisser." I'm still working on it though.
17. If you get outraged and horrified and betrayed by my actions, I will still love everything about you. Even if you acknowledge the logic and motivation in my actions, I know you will still despair.
18. I just have to remind myself how much I cried, your love of apathy, and your hatred of grape drank.
19. You are adorable, and as writing this, I wonder if that night we sat talking in my kitchen until 3 AM if you didn't get the album because of him and not me. I enjoy the feeling thinking about that evening, even if I don't remember the details.
20. Part of it is dramamongering and no personal investment, but I wish you'd told off that crazy bitch who stole the perfect chance to go for your man.
21. I wish I was better at making you realize your beauty. It gets hard fighting against your self-deprecation.
22. Please, don't die young.
23. You never kissed me in public, and I still adored you.
24. You know it's fake. I would give anything for you to fall in love with a girl who gives you butterflies, who gets nervous giggles when look at her, and makes you happy beyond anything you knew.
25. Sometimes, I think you want him to be with me. Maybe you just think I'm a cool kid.
26. Thank you for giving me someone to write to. I wish we could be friends.
27. You contributed very much to who I am. I am ashamed by my disgust of your self-destructive choices.
28. You are a perfect father to me. I hope I can be a good daughter.
29. You know me well. It breaks my heart when your actions based in the best of intentions don't mean what you hoped they would.
*30. I am sorry we are not friends. You are amazing, and I try to appreciate you, but making new friends got so much harder after elementary school where a sleepover was an easy token of friendship.
X. You are terrified of people and get jealous over things you have no entitlement to.
2. I'm sorry I never invited you to my house for movies and an adventure.
3. You are very encouraging despite my doubt, "Are we really friends?"
4. I wasn't joking and I know you knew it.
5. You're a cool kid. Tag team rules.
6. It is impossible to express how much I value our conversation and your friendship.
7. I'm sorry I'm a shitty friend, but you make me scared and jealous. You're the only person who can do that though, so congrats.
8. I miss you, but what can we even talk about? I would listen to you for hours talk about anything, but I always feel like it's gossip, about you, or nothing.
9. I don't think any boy or girl is good enough for you. You are unique.
10. I'm going to miss you a lot. Even though you just left, and we didn't talk frequently, you understood my embarrassment and left an open invitation.
11. I told you we weren't friends. I tried tonight, not well, but I was hampered by fear. I hope, in the least, you recognized the awkward effort.
12. I love you, and I love your family, and I wish there had been time enough for me to appreciate you more. I'm utterly ecstatic for you, but a lil' jealous he gets your time.
13. We should be friends. You are interesting and exceptional.
14. Love her and tell her she is gorgeous, because you are finally a guy who might deserve her.
15. Part of your mystery is being unreachable and far away. It forces us to miss you.
16. So far, the only imperfections I recognize in you are your genetic defects and you're not a fantastic "deep kisser." I'm still working on it though.
17. If you get outraged and horrified and betrayed by my actions, I will still love everything about you. Even if you acknowledge the logic and motivation in my actions, I know you will still despair.
18. I just have to remind myself how much I cried, your love of apathy, and your hatred of grape drank.
19. You are adorable, and as writing this, I wonder if that night we sat talking in my kitchen until 3 AM if you didn't get the album because of him and not me. I enjoy the feeling thinking about that evening, even if I don't remember the details.
20. Part of it is dramamongering and no personal investment, but I wish you'd told off that crazy bitch who stole the perfect chance to go for your man.
21. I wish I was better at making you realize your beauty. It gets hard fighting against your self-deprecation.
22. Please, don't die young.
23. You never kissed me in public, and I still adored you.
24. You know it's fake. I would give anything for you to fall in love with a girl who gives you butterflies, who gets nervous giggles when look at her, and makes you happy beyond anything you knew.
25. Sometimes, I think you want him to be with me. Maybe you just think I'm a cool kid.
26. Thank you for giving me someone to write to. I wish we could be friends.
27. You contributed very much to who I am. I am ashamed by my disgust of your self-destructive choices.
28. You are a perfect father to me. I hope I can be a good daughter.
29. You know me well. It breaks my heart when your actions based in the best of intentions don't mean what you hoped they would.
*30. I am sorry we are not friends. You are amazing, and I try to appreciate you, but making new friends got so much harder after elementary school where a sleepover was an easy token of friendship.
X. You are terrified of people and get jealous over things you have no entitlement to.
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