Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Chloe's 2009 New Year's Resolutions

From last year to this year, I wouldn't have seen any of the wonderful things that happened. Except maybe JoeKat, but that kinda started on New Years. My summer was the most beautiful and thrilling experience for days at a time, with adventure, romance, and great friends attending to my every move. Fall swept me up with love and scandal, heartbreak and reassurances. Winter has been an emotional hell hole, but last night made me feel better. I was awestruck by the night sky for the first time in weeks, and we sang "Build Me Up Buttercup" louder and more joyfully than many other singing experiences of my life. None of that was planned. I remember everything from this year vividly and passionately, and next year is going to be the same. Maybe my resolutions are reckless, but both of my parents told me this week that my brother is the one to watch. Probably true, I still want to give them a run for their money. You're only a teenager once, and if I'm going to make terrible decisions it would rather be when they are forgiven as experimental behavior. I will still keep my reasonable head about me, and always in moderation, but here they are:

Learn to drive
Attempt to get an amateur radio license
Make strides towards obtaining my SCUBA license
Participate in a sport or athletic activity (swimming, Ultimate)
Watch the following films:
Dr. Strangelove
Requiem for a Dream
Apocalypse Now
An Inconvenient Truth
American Beauty
Braveheart
Alice's Restaurant
Fight Club
American History X
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Office Space
Get my passport
Learn to ride clutch
Read at least 10 books from my list, including A People's History
Try to meet through written letters, Tommy Smothers and Pete Seeger
Dye my hair a different colour, temporary or otherwise
Get "something" pierced
Set off fireworks
Get drunk, high, lost
Reconnect with Kristen and Kyle
Be able to name and play 10 Guitar Chords
Incorporate the 4 Elements of Hip-Hop culture into my daily life
Graffiti something
Get into college
Go out for breakfast
Visit Philadelphia and New York
Sneak out a minimum of 3 times
Practice breakdancing, surfing, piano, and guitar
Learn to safely jump from heights
Watch all of Dr. Who in 1 sitting with Molly
Ask more questions
Learn to play the electric mandolin
Ride a roller coaster
Catch a beach sunrise
Use practical Spanish
Watch celestial events (preferably with company)
Bike and walk more
Think of and possibly enact a senior and band camp prank
Be section leader
Practice getting over different types of fences quickly
Vandalize a bathroom stall

I won't feel guilty for not achieving them, it's more of "things you should do while it's still forgivable" guideline. Some of them I already achieved not through strenuous attempts, but I'll find some sort of calendar of celestial events this year (the International Year of Astronomy) and post that so other people can sneak out with me. It's been a hell of a year for growing up, but we've got one more year without saying goodbye, so I'm going to make it count.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Things I Would Name a Band from the Wikipedia Article I Read

August Coup
Brothers to the Rescue
Lincolnshire Poacher
Cryptographic Function
Hotel Kilo
Firedrake Jammer

Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Memories Came Back

The problem with hookups, is sometimes they start to respect you as a person, when all you really wanted was to feel like a slut. That way there's a reason for him not wanting you back, rather than "things just happened."

------------ ---------------------------- --------

I kinda think that that is my song, and I kinda want to jump off a bridge.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Stapler

I think my stapler looks like a sleepy smiling Japanese cartoon character. It's square and has two eyes, a circular nose and a mouth. I guess it looks like this -__- but with a nose.

FML

I HAD IT SO GOOD! Fuck you time and coincidence! I told myself I don't judge, I don't compare, but holy hell other boys make me miss him and everything he's good at. Bitches need to learn to kiss.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve: A Day of Firsts

Today was a day of two very important firsts, and the lesser is that I finally beat Minesweepers on Expert and I did it in 430 seconds.

Questions I Should Ask

Why won't you just say, "Fuck your control. I'm young and in love."?
Who were those thoughts about?
Do you ever get down about it like I do?
How could you be the one person I thought I connected to and let go?
Have you loved any of them?
Who did this to you?
Why would you let me do it to myself?
You know I'd be behind you anyway, right?
Oh god, did you ever think of me after you told me that?
Did you think I wouldn't care after all those memories?
How come you never told me if the cops got the bastard?
You only saw me for those twenty minutes or so in the shared spotlight, but what did you think of us?
I know it's been ages since that picture was taken, but when's the last time you smiled like that?
Do you love her?
What did you wish for on those stars?
Who is/was she?
Are you scared like I was?
Did you ever figure out what it said?
Will you let yourself be free when you're free of us?
Are we holding you back?
How much do you think I miss you, and how jealous do you think I am of your new life?
Why do I feel like I missed you too late?
Did you feel alone even though I was there for you?
Why can't we keep making memories like the ones we couldn't stop laughing at?
Which one of you got in the tree first?
In retrospect, do you see how hateful it made me?
Did you realize that I realized too when you said that?
How much do you remember beyond your trite associations?
Will you ever go back for him?
What did he do to make you fall in love with him?
Would you have ever gone through with it or said something?
Do you ever miss your friends and your life?
When did I start seeing you as tired and broken people?
Why did I ever change my feelings about you?
Would you really save that spot for me?
Do you ever wonder why they're really there?
How would you feel if you found out their answers?
Do you know I'm proud and jealous of you?
I know you meant what you said years ago, but did you ever acknowledge it afterwards?
Was I the one who let you down the most?
Why didn't you tell me about your hopes for me?
Why haven't we spoken before this?
Do you know about them?
What would you do if you found out?
How could someone do that to you?
When did you become a terrible person?
Are we going to ruin this?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

PJ Par-tay

I wore my PJs to school.
Teachers and students alike were jealous of how comfy I was.
My mom was supposed to pick me up at 3:30.
My bus gets home before 3:00.
She was home when I got there.
She flipped out.
"You let her walk out the door like that?" she accosted my dad.
"She's got her own personality if you haven't noticed," he replied.
Made my day.
Plus Jeremy Bean loved it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my feelings and memories about JoeKat post break up. It is dated Friday, May 23rd, 2006.


"Alright, magic for real?"
I've forgiven everything I ever held against my beloved Kacey. I utterly swear by it. I knew even when I hated that it was my fault, so it was just a lot of self loathing, and I am completely indebted to him for relieving me of that. I don't know when the last time I screwed up was. I guess it was when I was dating him.

Anyway.

I never wanted to be her. I couldn't stand the thought that someone else could hate me with such passion. I didn't even know I was capable of such hate. Of course, Abby assured me that Sarah would get over it and that we were free to date. Sarah and I had had a falling out over this little issue because she knew we were flirting. She's a tad bit dramatic and moody. Only a tad. If she had outright said anything to me, of course I would have never been her Kacey, because I understood.

Even when Trisha asked me the day before, she said she knew, but I was telling the truth. Emotion got the best of logic and loyalty. Oops... That was January 25th. The twenty-sixth I saw JUNO and told him. The twenty-seventh I made a playlist of 27 songs that made me incredibly happy because they made me think of him. I don't know what they were for the most part, so I don't associate them with him. Although there is quite a bit more that makes me think of him... He said he'd think about it. He liked me, but he didn't know if he secretly was still crushing on Hillary. I wouldn't have minded. He was still ridiculously jealous of Matt. Maybe still is. There's nothing there, and after him, there hasn't been since. He didn't realize. Still doesn't.

Our first kiss was on Valentine's Day. He made me an adorable "slide show" that he spent hours working on. I filled some of a book of words for him. I wish I could see that. I don't know what I wrote in the throws of emotion. I'm pretty sure there was dirty txting before our first kiss. Some emotional secret sharing too. Yep, in the same night. Lemme check that... Yep, February 7th I think. Then on, possibly the 9th? A picture of him lifting weights without a top on. That was hot. I'm still hot for him. I can't believe how insecure he is. I guess he thought I wanted an Adonis. *sigh*

Anyway, masturbating was a whole lot more fun because there were images and ideas to try. Plus the emotion and fantasizing pleasure of having a distinct "lover" to think about. I had my first orgasm because of the dirty txting. (I think?) I also was a lot more willing to try things on my own because in my head, I was practicing to show him. Although I did have my first (and last as of this writing) lesbian sex dream. It wasn't bad. I still haven't watched porn, but I started researching things we could buy once he was 18. I'm sure if we were still dating I would have given him head, or at least a hand job. I got close to the handjob... On the band bus. Never again.

I didn't mind, really. Of course Matt is right to say I'm sexually frustrated, but for a while I stopped taking the wrappers off of bottles. I learned a lot about myself, what I'm willing to do, how trivial I view a lot of emotion and experiences, and just about relationships and how to feel physically good. He was sweet and romantic when we talked, but accidentally, cutely. Before we were dating he told me he would never let me lick the floor of the first practice room. He also said if I ever needed a hug he'd be there. I wonder if they still apply. We shared nightly dreams, day dreams, fears, goals, the weather, and then stupid little things. However, I have no idea what we talked about for small talk other than drumline.

Jeff once said he had an entire conversation with him about running water. Really? I want that now. I sorta wanted it then.

I completely forgot about our after school/before drumline special. We had two, and I don't remember when the other one was. Maybe it was three? Yes, three. We organized crayons and I read the book he wrote when he was six about his birthday party. I dressed up as a pirate and we watched [S]crubs together. I do miss that. I don't know when the other one was, but I had to take out the wallet in his back pants pocket so I could grab his ass better.

Anyway, I went to his house, and his sister was there, which was weird. We watched [S]crubs again, not a particularly interesting episode I think. Then I wanted to see his Pokemon cards so we went to the basement to look. However, they were up in his room... He found them and I legitimately wanted to look at them because I knew what being in his room would lead to and I was hesitant. I was looking at the book on the floor, and he suggested we go to the bed. I knew, and was fluttery about it, but who gives a fuck. (haha) He was rushing me looking at them, which really was upsetting in hind sight because he just wanted me to lay down so he could get on me instead of waiting for me to finish with the cards. There are plastic glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. I'm sure they mean so much more to me than to him. We made Nutella sammiches and turns out Nutella kisses are just regular kisses.

It's odd because it's JoeKat, but I write incredibly distanced from it all. It was nice, but it also wasn't really him in my mind...

Postscript: Still haven't had a lesbian sex dream since then

General Texts:

Ur hilarious. Haha. Im glad that the chick im being brutally honest with is blondmcblondblond. But ur the only whose actually truly asked. ;)
-Wasiq

So the lady at Olive Garden just seated my mom and I. She walked away, and soon after, another woman walks up to us, and says, 'Be right with you, ladies.'
-Jimmy

alright chlo your the best thanks love you too
-Jack

Laissez fare, barrel of monkeys and anti-american anti-god communists.
-Matt

Integrizzle my derivatizzle.
-Matt

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Cover and the Song and the Reference and the Wrong

I sleep diagonal in my bed.

Soco Amaretto Lime

Tonight was the commencement of The Power Pit Reunion Party, though only four of the original power pit were in attendance. Jeff and I spent the beginning of the afternoon with Viv, watching hilarious YouTube videos and kittens and somethingawful and cryptwalking and general hilariousity. From there we drove to Matt's to eat some cookies and listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. Three kids lying in his living room surrounding a boom box spewing the general humour and political commentary of NPR. It was gorgeous. After the program we had to leave after being distracted by the TI-NSpire. On the way into Nicki's development, a track had begun playing that Jeff wanted me to listen to, but he said there wasn't enough time. While it was enjoyable to hear about the exotic college lives of other students, it felt like an exceedingly lengthy party. Molly and I had a tickle fight, Sarah C. brought an unusually large amount of animal crackers, and it was all around a warm time recalling fond memories rather than making them. Sleepy Gina left before me, though I was similarly batting eyelids. Jeff was going to bring me home to my mom's, and it was the second time in a month I've cried in front of him. The song was Soco Amaretto Lime, and the memory was not mine, but the thought of it brought tears of jealousy for their beauty and friendship. A boy I do not know who plays guitar and drinks and parties was playing his instrument alone on stage for baccalaureate. Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New. Towards the end of the song, his friends stood up in the crowd and sang. They sang with him, "We'll stay 18 forever. You're just jealous 'cause we're young and in love." At every party, no matter what stage of sobriety or drunkenness, they would stand and sing this song together before leaving. Driving home in the car with Jeff, I thought how there cannot be anything more perfect and beautiful in the world, and how I do not think I will have that. I teared up, I could not speak. I thought of the last time the pit felt like home. When Trisha, Matt, Abby, Sarah, and I, those who would be there through our graduation, could take anything with a grain of salt and humour and maybe a little song and laugh. How I thought that they would the people to have life altering revelations with in the dark of night, screaming in cars to music we could sure as hell learn to play, and staying out under the stars in a giddy stupor until we had a memory worth writing about. I remembered my time of existence when I was young and in love, and was jealous of those who still are and how close and how far everything seems. Graduation is not far away and the new year is not far away, and suddenly tomorrow will be next year's celebration of our last year together and then the last year will be gone and moved on. And I cried and he hugged me saying "It's not a red light, but that's alright. Do you just miss stuff?" [pause and nod], "I do too." And I cried at the way he said it, but it was good.

I love you guys.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Blue M&Ms

I've wasted too much magic in wishing for the reasonable and contradictory. And yet despite my abuses of magical ability, I've had innumerable wishes come true.

Legs?

Mrs. Rock and Abby told me my legs are nice. I didn't know. I wouldn't know. I have no basis for comparison. Girls realize when other girls look nice more so than guys. I don't understand this. Exposed legs remind me of A Christmas Story.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Best Lines: A Summary

Wasiq and I are having a lovely Facebook message conversation about why he doesn't have a secret girlfriend or a real girlfriend, and the complications of getting one. The following are the best lines from each message post.

1. The Opening:
...so i know you were anxious to hear the whole deal with the secret girlfriend/girlfriend/having a girlfriend thing

2. The Response:
I'm sure there are plenty of whities who've never been kissed.

3. He Gets My Letter in the Mail
why would write that first sentence on that letter

4. The Defense
Makes secret sleepovers harder

5. The Gasp
i wouldn't be able to keep it a secret for very long lol.

6. The Follow Up Gasp
and...alarm and no windows?

7. The Cold, Hard Truth
It'll be a while before you unleash the Beast from the Middle East.

8. The Misunderstanding of the Extent of the Innuendo
i would feel really awkward unleashing it with someone else...

9. Correcting the Misunderstanding
Awkward territory, but "unleashing the beast" includes a very wide spectrum of pleasurable activities.

10. The Last Line of #9. was very straight forward
I realized the letter would be summarized as the last line and didn't want you to see that first.

11. Laughter
lol

12. Bang Bang
i was straight up thinking like bang bang bang ba bang bang.

13. Further Clarification
I just meant acting on your physical desires and letting others act theirs on you.

14. The Past
yea we were having conversations at lunch and at one point..i think i referred to "beast" as well...dick.

15. The Cliffhanger
at least not yet. ;)

16. The Tease
Maybe I'll wear that skirt a little more (and then a little less). :O

17. Just Checking
of course i'd go to your funeral!

18. Obvious Statement
We've got some serious usage of the winky smiley face going on.

19. The Entire Summary of the Conversation
...provocative/seductive/quasi-seductive/innuendo/intentional innuendo comments need a winkey smiley.

20. FACT
Plus I always win Never Have I Ever.

Questioning the Contradiction

Dave and I see each other quite a lot in school, though it is under forced academic association and awkward hallway ignorances. Our outward attitudes lean significantly towards indifference and when required, blank attention. However, there are instances I forget that's how I'm supposed to be. If I do not think about it, I honestly feel splendid and tend to show it. Skipping and subtle dance moves occasionally interrupt my walking, laughter and giggling my speech, and repressed smiles my face. Yet on one occasion in particular, I was skipping with delight at the additions to my 2009 New Year's Resolution, and passed his lunch table. I was instantly struck by his nearness and slightly faltered in my step. Should I be skipping in front of him? Does he think this is on purpose? I don't want him to think I've moved on... He shouldn't have noticed, but still. The skipping continued, as did the train of thought.

Monday in Biology, he was visibly and through complaint, audibly, sick. It hurt wishing it was in my appropriate response to bring him Jell-O and Gatorade. Sunday, on solstice, it will have been a month since it became inappropriate. I knew what I was going to get him for Christmas. Hopefully I'll get my song lyrics before the new year begins. If it's not hand written, I don't think it will mean as much. I feel terrible to ask him, but would be scared and subversive to leave a note. Maybe some compromise will present itself. :\

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Last of the Memories

I've got a fantastic memory for detail. If I am actively experiencing something, not much gets left out. At inappropriate times I get stuck in strange and beautiful memories, sparked by some relevant item of the present. Increasingly, and especially because of other's fears, I had a desire to write them down. Reading them creates a sad nostalgia, but also immense happiness in recapturing the feel of the time. I don't want to lose the paper. It's lengthy and for my own sake.


The first time we ever talked online beyond school stuff was the week of my birthday when everyone was in Hawaii at 1 AM about the excellently horrible horror movie Catacombs.
He gave me the rest of Led Zeppelin IV and most of Farmhouse as an early birthday present.
44/16=2.75, love Dave and Joe
He told me I made him a communo-anarchist.
He made me an anarcho-communist.
I was with him when he took the bandage off his Anarchy tattoo.
Farmhouse was playing when I finally got away from his when he let me win Bearwrestling at my birthday party.
His text tone was Farmhouse until my phone speaker broke.
We walked to Sarah's house and he told me about his neighbor's Sherman Shepherd and secret rabbit. When they went on vacation they had a dead rabbit.
He sang Black Hole Sun and said he knew Chris Cornell's voice more intricately than the ROCKBAND requirements.
I sat next to him when we watched Romeo+Juliet and WANTED. During the previews he narrated a silent Batman preview and we laughed at the people's comments behind us. That night I told him it was hard to keep from crushin' on him, and he agreed.
The night before I left for Ocracoke, at Nicki's RHPS party, he put WIN! make up on me so I won a penis flavored lollipop. He was a fan of my outfit.
He told me to "Dance!" the first time we snuck out and I heard what sounded like Grateful Dead or upbeat Phish and I gave him a button and showed him my doodle summaries and he got a f'real Wawa Strawberry Milkshake and both agreed the machine reminds us of Star Wars. Then we saw the periscopic leaf and he blew his nose on a large be-fungled leaf. I watched the moon set and sun rise and a pentapus in the clouds. I was singing all the way home and "Old Man" as I got in the door, just in case my dad was waiting.
He and his uncle dueted "Wish You Were Here" while he was down Avalon and got sad.
The sunset pictures were beautiful.
He told me he was going to drive back to Bethel and pick me up so we could watch them together. Then hijack a boat.
He graffiti'd our names into some rich guy's recently poured driveway.
We shared a can of peaches at band camp when he made all the instruments I drew instruments of death.
Our first kiss was when we paused Stigmata because he had to go and then I went into my room and listened to "Do You Believe in Magic" and "First Date" as loud as my iPod speakers would go and danced. He was wearing his brown Pink Floyd shirt and I had my Neopolitan outfit on.
I interrupted his "Vatican Discount" graffiti for me so I could take him to my house.
All of our shared graffiti are adorable.
The first time we kissed in the hammock and the day he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, I kept moving my face all around so I wouldn't get goggle faced and he was wearing his "Green City Planning" shirt with the little kid on the back who I said was Banksy.
One of the first times we hung out in the hammock he fell out when I went inside. No matter what planar surface we were on, he would gravitate slowly to the right.
He had a general fear of being hit in the balls by a falling walnut.
He wore Monty Python Boxers and a Tuxedo shirt and a Vicoden haze to Abby's birthday party. He held me around my waist, poured cold water down my back when I was in the hot tub, sang "Never Gonna Give You Up" with Dan and Andrew C. Jeremy told me to give him a Vicoden BJ and on the way home Andrew C. would give one to whoever could named the Metallica song "Nothing Else Matters" before the vocals came on, and Dave almost responded. We kissed in his car.
The second time we snuck out my bike tire was flat. I was shaking because my hoodie wouldn't zipper up and I was excited. He wore the alpaca. We saw 12 shooting stars until the cops came and he told me to roll and lied about his age.
The cops stopped him on Smithbridge and told him to use protection.
The next morning he mis-texted me "Chloe totally wanted to get on my dick last night."
I watched American Pie, which was a lot better than I expected, because he told me the bandee gave him hope for band/non-band integration.
The third time he forgot his alpaca and I was scared the cops knew about the ninja thing when they stopped him at the playground. We were so cold, but stayed long enough to get Dew'd.
The absurd pride and humor of the ninja stopping my instrument with his foot and getting on the roof, followed by the sickening guilt when the cops came.
When he came to visit during band camp wearing the CCCP shirt, Katie said he was goodluck and we almost got him in the pit picture.
Messing with the ducks and geese and skipping stones and Esquire Capelli being an ass at the Grist Mill.
Floridians asking us if we needed help on our walk back to his house.
Super Colossal Shrimp and overly helpful guy and tomatoes from Canada like him because they didn't have E. coli like every other vegetable at that point in the summer. We had Tomato and Basil veggie burgers.
He was watching Future Weapons and wearing the argyle when the Dorans came to pick him up for West Chester Diner. He got fruit salad and balloons. At his house we watched Nuns on the Run and Deathwatch. Then we went to Build a Dream with my balloon and were the most childish people there because we were the first kids at the ice cream truck. He got me a Blue Raspberry ICEE Pushpop for $1.75 and he had Blue Raspberry Soda by C&C maybe? Then it started raining so we watched Men's Gymnastic Olympic Trials at the Wakovia Center from his house. Then we went to Hetty's and Meg stopped fifty feet outside Hetty's neighborhood to ask if we wanted a ride. He thought Jeff asked if we were official yet and felt like an ass for not doing so yet. He complimented Marty Monkhouse's ass for me.
I painted tiny sunflowers on my toenails in acrylic paint when I knew he was coming over.
He made fun of Gina for being pregnant on the Brandywine and talked about geologist's "drinking games involving complex mathematical formulas" and blew bubbles and saw ducks.
On the ride to Penncrest Jeremy said the rule of the bus was "You give one, you get one" [BJ], and I pretty effectively attribute all of our edited shenanigans to that.
Mrs. Glanfield saw him at the Penncrest bus ride and he propositioned the girls outside our bus.
He dibbsed giving first.
I was wearing my tuxedo dress and baggy cargo pants and matching undergarments the first time I came for him and my fists were clenched and I lisped "tuxcess" and he made fun of me for it at the football game I voluntarily went to. He bought me rootbeer and my ticket in.
He pretended to be an outrageous conservative at SPEAK UP! Where he claimed that if we drilled in Alaska and offshore, gas prices would drop under a dollar tomorrow. Joe D. almost agreed.
*Memory posted in secret blog for scandalous details
The second time we went to the Gristmill we crossed over an overgrown railroad track near Pole Cat Road and I was shown where two of his friends suffered near death injuries. We saw two adorable chipmunks I didn't know lived around here. *Rest of memory edited for scandal
We watched Screamers, but it was so terrible we walked his dog and then his parents thought we were fucking outside. He was wearing his blue "Peace" shirt.
When he told me he loved me for the very first time, he opened with "I love spending time with you so much. Anything else can't compare. Someone could say, 'Dude, free trip to the moon.' and I'd say, 'Sorry, I'm busy.'" I laughed, then he said, "Sometimes a laugh is the best response, but I hope I don't get a laugh when I say, 'I love you.'" And I was speechless for near on five minutes thinking of something stupidly, stammeringly cheesy but I just smiled and teared up and I couldn't believe he loved me.
My mom interrupted our first truly meaningful goodbye.
The next week he lent me his alpaca at Abby's bonfire where he sent the green M&Ms down the garbage disposal and I had my realization. The next day we watched the Eagles game together and I wore my green M&M socks to represent my fallen chocolates, but I told him I loved him anyway.
Fire works and Collective Soul and Pirates.
He fell asleep with me on the hammock on October 3rd during the best wordless hour of my life. We kissed, not made out, and I couldn't help but smile and this is my perfect memory.
I loved it when he kissed my forehead.
We spooned in the hammock at one of my bonfire parties.
I almost asked my mom to pray that he could finally surgery on his shoulder, but she volunteered it without me asking. I wish she still was.
I have a ticket stub to see Mama Mia because Pineapple Express was rated R. He couldn't wait with me to get picked up because he was getting a ride from someone else, but it was my first kiss in public. Years from now I will think, "I never saw Mama Mia?"
I also have a ticket stub to see Lakeview Terrace because Religulous was also rated R and he made sure it was on the correct side of the theater. It scared me and I was glad he was there to hold my hand.
I sat in on Squid practice a couple times and in particular, he was wearing his blue "Peace" shirt and played the opening riff to "Creep." I felt like I could sing it to him. He sang.
He came over to my house to hang out and we watched School of Rock and I connived the alpaca off of him, but I really was cold. He warmed my hands for me and it meant a lot. We also read Sign Spotters 2 and he didn't think some were real.
"an A+ combination"
We carved pumpkins. He sleepily carved the tri-force and intercrossed spoon/fork that became spoon/spoon. I had two cats and a moon. He was wearing his Bionic Commandos shirt and then we went out to the hammock and I was mortified. I got stuck in the hammock because Branden made a hole.
He changed the C/Js to indicate whose week it was for dishes to names. The last one was January.
I was so sad to get interrupted during James Bond.
I thought of him when we burned the anarchist on Bonfire Night. He was flattered.
We got extra ribbed even though they "hurt" and I had a hispanic lady as my checkout clerk and Dave got accosted by an old guy in the parking lot.
I'm glad my first time was not in the backseat of his car, but not glad that because of it, it will not be with him.
The voyeur made me laugh and completely relieved the stress.
"I love you so much."
His smell is incredible.
He wrote a song for me and hasn't given me the lyrics as of yet.

Monday, December 15, 2008

"You've got a big fat terrorist crush"- Viv

I've been flirting with Wasiq and I feel like a skankbag even though I know it's just fo'sho. He's a lot better at it than I thought. There have been multiple uses of the "winky smiley face," but I think he'd look ridiculous doing it in real life. Oh well, I am sad he can't have a real girlfriend. I hope he falls in love with an unbelievable Muslim girl so he and his parents can be happy. Or maybe he'll grow a spine and date a whitie.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Thought I Noticed

Sometimes I say, "I wonder what time it is?" in my head before I check my cell phone to see if I have new text messages so it's not so disappointing when I don't have any. I usually wind up not knowing the time as well.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Reckless Abandon

I feel vindicated by the pain of someone I don't even know. Somehow I wish I could have served as an example to her, but she wouldn't have known until it was too late. At least I had examples and the strength to follow through.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Facebook makes me feel like I don't have any friends.
Taking only "smart kid classes," makes me feel like I don't have friends.
Abby's blog makes me feel like I have friends and no issues.
My favorite class is Spanish because the people and information is new.
School mornings made me realize I don't mind getting up early, but I hate looking for someone to talk to when I get to my destination.
The smart group that is parallel to ours is really tame, otherwise I would try to get in again.
Looking around the room in Bio during Meiosis, I realized that I am the most vulgar girl, and second most obscene student.
Boys make better friends than girls.
I can physically fight like a girl, but not emotionally.
I don't think Shana likes me very much, but that Abby and Sarah like her more than me.
Even if it's not true, I wouldn't care.
Mr. Trabocco called me a folk hero.
There are a lot of people I think are really interesting, but I don't think know me.
People who know me as a smart kid are always surprised when I tell them I've gotten Ds for two years in a row in academic classes.
It helps me feel like I can relate to them when they can feel they did better than me.
If I was more of a people person, being a drifter would be easy.
Creeking with Nicki was one of the most fun bonding experiences of my life, and I'm sad that I can't do that all the time with everyone.
Some of my favorite time is waiting for Mrs. Frost to finish reading the letters I write her.
I've only ever gotten personal mail from Jeff and my aunts.
The last time I got a postcard I was 11 and it was from my aunt, but I didn't care because I thought she was annoying.
Making people feel special is beautiful in itself.
Knowing that someone took time out of their day to acknowledge your existence as a positive force is nice.
I would give my whole day to that if there were enough people to.
When I check my e-mail and I have 72 letters from colleges telling me I'm the perfect student for them makes me feel better.
When my quote gets featured in thethingswesaid I feel like what I say is special, if not usually very quirky.
If I had to choose one word that describes my entirety right now, I think it would be endearing.
I still check my texts at night as if he sent me one.
Dan Graney puts effort into how he says goodnight like I do.
I try to vary how I say goodnight to people so each experience they get something new and nice.
Molly and Gina's text messages are more beautiful and heartfelt than the ones I got from Dave.
They honestly make me feel like a good person.
I miss all of the random characters I wasn't really close with from the class of '08, like Andrew Z, Dana, Alanna, Dave N, and Zach.
I don't think they ever knew it, but I really liked Steve, Beth, Erin, and Melissa.
Nobody hugs the drum majors like we used to hug Steve and Schlicter.
I really respected Schlicter when she told us that if we ever needed it, she'd pick us up from a party we didn't feel comfortable at or calling our parents.
I'm afraid that the grades below ours are so terrible that Hi-Q and Drumline are going to die.
After my grade leaves, there are only "three" kids in the pit.
The freshmen still haven't been to a party, though I've tried.
I admire my father.
I don't respect my mother on the human level because she's everything I don't want to be.
And that kills me inside.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Stuff

Today: My dad fixed my iPod using magic and gnomes. I feel sexy like Sarah Palin.
Yesterday: Wasiq and I had a scandalous life talk and I txt'd seven people at the same time.
Two Days Ago: Our drumline music is fantastic. While there, I'm out of my head and having fun.

I <3 Flight of the Conchords

Sunday, December 7, 2008

It Snowed for Ho'ball

I don't think I should have gone, but I should not have stayed at Hetty's either. The music wasn't good at all, but I danced the entire time, spaced out and inattentive to everything. I'm a follower at dances. I don't have a best friend to freak out with and don't want to bump 'n' grind with boys. When Sandstorm came on, I threw myself into a pit and stupidly forgot it was the only one. I wound up jumping with my back to his. When we realized, perhaps unintentionally because of restricted movement, or perhaps on purpose to show that it really was ok, we did not move and kept jumping. It felt ok. I felt ok. I'm going to try to speak again, but it may be hampered by my straggling memories.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Flight of the Conchords

"Do they smoke grass in space? Or astroturf?"

Friday, December 5, 2008

Communism Friday

During Hi-Q, I was informed by Sam B. that Tboc told his class about the "episode" last year involving the flag of a particular, formerly communist country. For Matt's 16th b-day we made USSR flags and were going to bring them into school on the start of the October Revolution adjusted for the Gregorian Calendar. As the day rolled in and on to Enhancement, we taped the offending symbol of humanity to his door and waited for third period, our special time with him. Repressing smiles and giggles, we took our seats and smiled harder at the semi-devious looks he was giving us. Walking up to my desk holding an envelope, he emptied its contents, the shredded remains of my flag onto the desk. Attempting to return them to their former state by means of puzzle solving, he took "the winds of Democracy," borne from the flap of a folder, to ruin my efforts. Only partially dissuaded I have kept the pieces in my purse for over a year now. Knowing that the story of my flag's trials were told, it was time to bring them out of exile. Shortly after being informed, Matt and I took to the reconstruction and rise of communism from the ashes, forged in greatness as the phoenix from flame. Pieced together, we were missing two pieces, but also had three "extra" pieces that wouldn't fit and therefore were ignored. The final product was a work of beauty and signed with, "The winds of Democracy will never sway the endless ideology that is Communism. Sincerely, Chloe (Hammer/Sickle and Heart)." Taking the opportunity at the switch of third to lunch, I got tape from Poli and and stuck that piece of paper to the outside of his window while he was teaching less than three feet away. It was a day of victory and several tests.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I'm Excited

I talked to my brother. I read wiki articles. I watched movies. I listened to music. I've considered costs and risks and consequences. I looked at pictures. I glanced at books. I assessed what it means to what little morality I have left.

Bring it on.

I'm going to be exciting. Of course I'm awesome and hilarious, and maybe this does have something to do with that, but what the hell have I really done? This was my summer, and it will be my winter too.

Friday, November 28, 2008

End Communication

"Do you have any idea what happened to us? Because it hurts to lie in my bed and know you loved me here and that so soon you were gone. If there isn't an explanation I'll be sleeping shitty anyway, but I can't stop thinking about you. :\"

"I don't know. I just sort of got to the point where I was always irritated about something. I let things get to me I guess."


It did hurt to know that Saturday night he held me in my bed and told me he "loved me so much," and that by Wednesday he would not even say goodnight. But somehow, I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. There are an endless number of adorable or exciting memories I've shared with him, but it doesn't really hurt to think about them. I lied when I said I wouldn't sleep well. I've been having some of the longest, most vivid dreams of recent times. Dave's not in them, or not for long. In two of the dreams I've asked where he was, because his missing presence is noted, but I'm not sad about it. On my walk to Viv's then to Gina's I remembered every time we'd talked or laughed or noted something about the walk, or how I would sing on my way to see him after midnight. And I laughed and smiled the whole time, it was fun. I've actually got some really important memories, some really badass stories about Garnet Valley. Now that I've grown to appreciate the layout, and how close things really are, and how mobile I can be just walking, I realize I've found stunning beauty in Garnet Valley. Now I can sound impressive and wild. At BYC I got picked up and let go by the fuzz. More than once I've snuck out of my house after midnight. And one time, I spent so long in the Darlington Arts Parking lot staring at the stars that I watched the moon set. I've scared ducks and sucked cock at the Newlin Grist Mill. Twice I've gone down the Brandywine on a plastic, inflatable, whale pool toy named Shamu. My friends have a.) rallied my spirits and comforts b.) been a bitch, but that's ok. Other than the fucking up math class thing, it's been a year worthy of '06-'07.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Things That Will Remind Me of Him

Things: alpacas (finished product), tattoos, anarchy, communism, Morse Code, wolf spiders, A+, Vicodin, "smash the state," Blue Raspberry Icee Push Pops, West Chester Diner balloons, a certain constellation, the T9 word doodle/fondle, tree carvings, driveway graffiti, ushankas, ninjas/pirate, flowers, ponchos, guitars, ducks, geese, skipping stones, sneaking out, shooting stars, cops, le parkour, French, Canada, American Pie (movie), Jeeps, the backseat of cars, HERRs plain potato chips, pumpkin carving, cats that look like they have the continent covering their sides, cats drinking out of toilets, STAR WARS: The Force Unleashed, The Ultimate Survival Guide Board Game, purple/yellow sunsets, pink frisbees, internet chat commentators business meeting, T-Rex skeletons, walnuts, acorns, child slavery, the title "Esquire," fireworks, Tuxedo shirts, tuxedo dresses, "tuxcess," Health Guard Pin, the Fonz, and many, many more

Sports: The Patriots, Thursday football, college football, hockey, the Pittsburgh Pirates, The Gymnastic Men's Trials, The Olympics, The World Series

Music: Phish, see Farmhouse (album/song), Secret Smile (song) and Waste (song), Collective Soul, Blink-182, Nirvana, Wish You Were Here, Port Is Head, Grunge Rock, Superunknown (album), Black Hole Sun (song/Rock Band track)

Places: The Hammock, The Grist Mill, the Brandywine Youth Club, the Darlington Arts Center, the entirety of Kirk, the intersection of Kirk-Temple/Smithbridge, West Chester Diner, his dad's house, his mom's house, his mom's neighborhood, Build a Dream Playground, the Brandywine, at least for a little while, Wawa on 202, the place where the sidewalk ends, Pittsburgh, the roof of the school, Riviera Pizza

Movies: American Pie, Screamers, Nuns on the Run, Deathwatch, Midnight Meat Train, Pineapple Express, Religulous, School of Rock, MIB II, Wanted, Romeo+Juliet, Stigmata, Catacombs

Books: The Invisible Man, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Boxers: Monty Python, Southpark, Deer, tie-dye, Mario

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I keep forgetting

I slept, and when I woke up, I remembered and the hurt was new.

I walked down Rodman, through River Road Park, where I swung and sat on the "vicious Barney, " to the Governor Printz, to the Cauffiel House, across the road to the Blackrock Center, into Bellevue, across the oval track, across Marsh, into Rockwood, and into the creek where my hands were too frozen to skip rocks like we did at the Grist Mill. Only one guy in a pick up truck offered me a ride. It took so long to get warm. It's the same walk I took the day before the night I broke up with JoeKat, but backwards, from the creek, home, from home to the creek. That one ended with me not going to break up with him, but the hurt came crashing back that night.

He removed me from his interests.

"Hugs and Sympathies"

My last text to him of any importance:

"Please, if you are awake, tell me to stop waiting. If you are asleep, please tell me my fear is unfounded when you wake up or see me. :\"
-Chloe, on Thursday

I knew what was going to happen when he said, "Let's go over here." I almost lost my virginity Saturday, and given a decent chance would've in the next two weeks. But he didn't want me to be a "fuck and chuck," which at least is considerate. I don't know when or why he stopped loving me, but I don't know how it began either. Cliches like, "you're awesome," "you don't need him," "he's an idiot," and "there are other guys," aren't really helpful. I know I'm awesome, independent, and will find someone else to love me, but he's also not an idiot or stupid for this. All of his actions are rationally justifiable, but emotion has a way of making that insignificant. I'm going to miss him and the adorable things we did together, so I'll be sad for a while.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm OK (just making sure you know)

I've had to see a lot of myself I assumed I wouldn't have to for a while, and I've fought my beliefs and seen I am comfortable in myself. I don't mean to shut anyone out or cause worry with my silence, but I finally feel like I have something personal and worth keeping to myself and finally mine.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Distance

How far do you it think it is to reach from the back seat while not buckled in to the foot space of the passenger seat? Maybe 3-4 feet? It could probably be done without taking your bum off the seat. What if your back was facing the windshield? That's still pretty close I think, especially if you can twist. Trisha and I tried acting it out in the middle of the hall today to make a guesstimate. We decided definitely within arm's reach. That's close.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Talking

I haven't talked to anyone in so long. I miss Sarah and Abby, and this week has been too hectic to talk to Trisha just because of circumstance. What I need to say I can't to Matt, and what I want to say feels almost too personal for me to share it because I feel stupid and childish. My brother had friends over all weekend, and he assumes things I guess, but I haven't told him anything recently either. Friday I was going to go all girl talk and what not, and by Saturday I realized I needed it a lot sooner than I thought. Of course it's about Dave, and I don't want to ramble, but this time it's also about me. I felt so much stronger and secure in myself before. I am still strong, it just hurts more to make sure I stay me.

Girl Pockets

What did you find in your pocket?
-Dave

Hahahaha! Totally forgot! That's hilarious! Keep that to yourself hahaha!
-Dave

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I held myself to "higher standards."

French Txt: This is what I get for sending love letters in Spanish

Sleep well. Je suis surexite pour le jour quand tu fait finalement du transduction. Bonne nuit, ma cherie. Je t'aime fort.
-Dave

My first interpretation was: I am excited for when you finally dream. Good night, my cherished. I love you too.

Freetranslation.com's interpretation was: I am surexite for when you does finally of the transduction. Good night, my cherie. I like you strong.

I'm pretty sure I'm missing accents in surexite and cherie, but I think I've got a good grasp on them. No idea about transduction, and the English word is about bacteria or childhood reasoning.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Txts: Consistently 98% Full

I haven't been able to post many adorable quotes because they've been consistently sprinkled with vulgarities I would not publish and cannot be edited to be sensible and adorable.

NO YOU WON'T!
-Dave

Okay sweet. I'm looking forward to it. I am SO tired. Text me in the morning when you have a time. I'll probably dream about you in French. :P Sleep well. I love you. Goodnight. xoxoxo
-Dave

Hahahaha. I'm not inanimate! >:-| I just found old DanandDave files we never used. I put them to music and uploaded the product. It's called "Action! Movie!"
-Dave, in response to:

Nothing too weird, something I can call my signature move. I wouldn't put my name on anything unpleasant. We played chirades during Drumline. My concept was "falling madly in love with an inanimate object." The respective guesses were, "seducing Dave Rose" and "Taking off Dave Rose's pants." Those were guessed before I started acting.
-Me

I kind dozed off for a while there. I love you too. A whole lot, I'll see you with it in the morning, so be careful.
-Dave

That's okay. I can't either. I think it's a good time to pack it in. I'll see you tomorrow. I had a nice afternoon ... Goodnight, Chloe. I love you love you love you love you. <3 <3
-Dave

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Left Shoe

I promised myself I wouldn't start writing on the left shoe until I got the lyrics to the song he's writing me to put on the tongue of the right one. On Tuesday he worked with Nick and Wasiq to get it translated from acoustic to electric, and I'm really excited. However, at the bonfire, I got it really dirty, so I may have to clean it up. My book of quotes is getting really full, but that's half the fun of it. I am going to live like Emma Goldman, but with my own life and values.

Carta de Amor

While I was cleaning out my backpack, I found two love letters I had written to Dave in Spanish. I remember I specifically looked up words I didn't know, and tried to use tenses I'm not comfortable with. I want to publish this one because it was the better idea wise, rather than the grammatically sensible, simple one.

"Me encanta tu alpalca. A veces con la duermo. Mi corazón está muy feliz. "Te amo." Lo deciste, y lo creo. Ahora no puedo dejar de pensar de tú por uno hora. Yo sueño de tú. Todos noches me duermo con la esperanza voy a verte antes de me despierto. Me gusta (casi) los deportes cuando estoy con tú, pero miraría C-SPAN con tú si quieras. Estoy muy orgullosa estar tu novia. La inteligencia y el sentido del humor tienes estan más extraordinarios que cualquiera otra persona ya conozco. ?Quien, pero tú, puede me traer éstos sentimientos de amor y confianza? Tú estás todo quiero, pero tu abrazo es todo necesito. Mi amor es siempre nuevo y claro. Con amor y comunismo y toda mi corazón, Chloe."

PS: It was a bitch to find the accents

Big Blue Bag

When my parents got separated my brother was too little to realize what it meant and his play was being hampered by this family discussion. We were never really exposed to the legal battle as our parents were very cordial about it, and the only real symbol of separation was the bag we used to move our things from house to house. It was called the big blue bag, a blue duffel bag that could be zippered into itself that we had so long my brother grew out of bringing his stuffed animal in it. Usually if we had to bring it to Concord Christian Academy, I would take it to my class and leave it with my backpack along the wall. I don't remember it ever weighing too much. Stuffed animals, clothes, seasonal things like bathing suits, and whatever game boys we had weren't a problem, and I really don't remember bringing anything else. Not sure where it is now, but it's the only thing that ever symbolically defined the divorce. Except maybe Delaware.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

NCD

I'm totally going to be the creepy lesbian girl after this, but I'll bring National Cleavage Day to the States goddammit. Go South Africa and Wonderbra and Cosmo.

Txts: Worth Keeping

HOLY SHIT! YOUR LAST NAME HAS NO VOWELS IN IT!
-Dave

Saw your name at the bottom of the fondles. Which I loved lol.
-Dave

I'm crying, god, lol. we're a good country again. my god.
-Jeff

Oh, I'm pretty sure I understand because I'm in the same boat. :] So how was your day?
-Dave

Acorn

"Random thought I know, but leads to an actually serious question, 'When was the last time you saw an acorn?'"
"Recently actually, I collect them from important places."
"Oh cool, like where?"
"Katie Ross' old house, and my best friend Kristin's old house too."
"Oh, that's boring... like places that are important to you."

So I brought back an acorn, and it was explained as something really awesome. But I felt stupid for having it, and so didn't share it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Bonfire/Campfire

We sang songs of moose and fire and Kumbaya and watched the fire crackle and burn and drank apple cider and Mango Twist with too much noise and talked about drugs, sex, and alcohol, but still kept that wild trepidation of so long ago with the magic and awe of being outside and happy. Guy on the fire, where creation for the sake of destruction and meeting for the sake of music, brought back memories and laughter of when we were newer. Huddling close and whispering of sad realizations, but singing loud and holding on to that trembling, fearful rise of welcoming acceptance we cannot usher in quite yet. They said the embers looked like Phoenix feathers or dragon scales, but when things come of out fire that should stay dead, they set barns on fire. I've got my bucket ready, but right now, I'm using it as part of my robot costume.

Hear me crying
Hear me singing
Hear me laughing
Oh I need you
Come by Here

Txts: Random

I had a great afternoon today. I'm really surprised my mom wasn't pissed. She just gave me a talk and a warning. :P
-Dave, on Matt's birthday

How about Satur Day? It only happens 52 times a year.
-Dave, on holidays that need celebrating

But I NEED that shamWow.
-Matt, on cigarettes, porn, and infomercials

Hahaha. Sorry, I think I have another pair of pants to party in that day, but thanks for the invite.
-Me, on The Party in Matt's Pants

I'm not sure if I should appreciate that, but I do, so thanks!
-Dave, on me thinking of him when I go to burn the anarchist

Oh god! Oh god it burns!
-Dave, on setting fire to the anarchist for Guy Fawkes Night

I love you too. I'll talk to you tomorrow! <3
-Dave

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Thank you for being a good friend.


"Shh, I'm rocking out."
-Molly

Trees

There used to be a large, dead and dying tree in my front yard where we currently have growing decorative grass. A man used to come every once in a while to take mushrooms that had sprouted themselves on the stump. We don't know if he sold or ate them or actually knew what he was talking about, but my mom would occasionally check the news for "mycology related deaths." My neighbors had another large, dead tree in their side yard in between our driveways. One day that was scheduled to be uneventful, I woke up to discover firemen clustered around the trunk and attempting to coax a wayward iguana from its perch at the top. Sometime after they got it down, our family hosted it for a week, but it was really boring. We sent it on its way to Farmer Willy, and I lost track of it from there. The neighbors had another large pecan tree, where they currently have planted a cat nip tree. Once, Jack and I nabbed every single fallen nut and tried to eat them. Not knowing if we had to roast them or other preparations, we gave up and threw them at each other. There are a total of four trees my neighbors no longer have. Along with the ones already mentioned, two that threatened to fall on their house. It makes the sky over their yard look empty. Before the neighborhood in back of the firehouse was constructed, there used to be a crab apple tree in the field neighboring my yard. Deer would often frequent it, as would my brother and I to collect ammo for when the "invaders" who never came finally arrived. One very early morning, maybe getting ready for school or cartoons, my dad hushed me awake to look out of our kitchen window to see a horse nibbling around the tree. That may also have been Farmer Willy's, but I don't remember it very well.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Response to my Note Passing

.. .-.. --- ..- . -.-- --- ..- - --- --- .-.-.- :]


Which translates to: I loue you too

6/8 of the Drafts I've Typed

You're super hot and have very pretty features, kinda like a doll. He understands water and dirt and flowers. He's practical. Place the stones at my head and tell them all that I done. You're good. Now it's just pleasure and vinyl. They're like zombies or sadists or something.

Thunderstorms, wrap-around porches, homemade lemonade, tiki torches, technicolor pachyderms it's really too much for me, this machine surrounds hate and forces it to surrender Why is there a tambourine attached to a cowbell?

But in the hereness of dusk I am moving towards the doomlike bells through the flowered air, beneath the rising moon.

Legal Jargon vs. Plain English, Copyright Law Legal systems of other countries, Ganja Queen, what are the colorful tubes in between a tractor trailer, why do shapes taste better than noodle, ageism in 55+ communities

That's better than the bullet that killed Kennedy.

My dream gave me three options: I could sneak back and let everybody know with the hose, become bitter about it like Tom Brokaw, Stay here and follow that duck, or start a band.


Of course the ones I don't publish have the most meaning, and I'll probably delete them soon. There are moments where quotes will strike me, or I'll need to write something down, and so I save them in drafts. This is that assembly of spontaneous thoughts worth saving.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My Top 50 Most Played

1. Farmhouse
2. Always
3. Chasing Cars
4. Stolen
5. First Date
6. Semi Charmed Life
7. Wish You Were Here
8. Yellow
9. All My Loving
10. I've Just Seen a Face
11. Hands Down
12. Calling You
13. Honey and the Moon
14. Closing Time
15. All You Need is Love
16. Missed the Boat
17. Fix You
18. Going to California
19. Beloved
20. Samson
21. Do You Believe in Magic
22. Bug
23. Fidelity
24. The Flowers
25. Crazy for This Girl
26. Lizzy
27. Long Walk Home
28. Old Man
29. I Want You
30. The Best Deceptions
31. Radio Nowhere
32. Somedays
33. Lover I Don't Have to Love
34. The General
35. You Can't Always Get What You Want
36. Not the Same
37. You and Me
38. Laid
39. The Connection
40. Secret Smile
41. Black Hole Sun
42. 4:16
43. Pennies from Heaven
44. Devil's Arcade
45. Together
46. Piazza, New York Catcher
47. I Miss You
48. The Great Gig in the Sky
49. Screaming Infidelities
50. What's My Age Again?

I listen to songs that remind me of him a lot

Waste

Every single Phish song I own reminds me of Dave. One towards the end of gym class he thought the "Wish You Were Here" shirt Molly got me for Christmas said, "Phish." I'd always associated him with the band even if I wasn't specifically sure why I'd picked up the connection. He has some ridiculous amount of Phish on his iPod; something around 10 GB. Before there were even speckles of interest, during the Stink Bomb Crisis, I checked out all of the available Phish albums from Brandywine Hundred and set to listening. I didn't keep everything, in fact, I didn't keep much. One of the outstanding songs was Waste. The lyrics are fantastic and the mood is so calm and mellow it's a wonderful lounging song. I distinctly remember telling Dave that I had listened to Waste and watched the sun set, at least a month before my birthday party. About a week before my birthday, he sent me Farmhouse, one song from White Tape, and the rest of Led Zeppelin IV I did not already have. During my party, after I had just barely escaped bearwrestling on a technicality, Farmhouse came on over the loudspeakers and we made eye contact, and I smiled and sang a little. Farmhouse especially reminds me of him.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Ice Cream and Thousand Legger Bugs

The worst of all legged abominations and yummy ice cream. A very nice evening with friends, and I stopped being angry, and I stopped being angry at myself for letting my mom get to me. We were sitting in a booth, with Jeff to my left and Lexi to my right in the aisle. Jeff was asking me about a Journalism class I don't have, and to my horror slightly to the right of his shoulder was a thousand legger bug crawling across the wall. I froze in shock and repulsion and started backing out of the booth. Eventually it was made clear my fear, and we moved to another table after Jeff failed at being the boy in the situation. So sitting at this other table without walls bordering it, I thought we were safe. However, I was leaning back in my chair as we were ready to leave, and Abby gasped, "Chloe, behind you!" And there on the wall, maybe not inches from my head and Dave's alpaca, was another bug. I screamed, jumped, and ran outside. Luckily we'd been ready to pay.

NMbtV

Fuck this. I'd been more than satisfied with any time we had together, but then my mom made me realize the only things we've done at his house since becoming "official" are watch horrible movies OnDemand, sports, or fool around. Anything in public we've done has been coincidence or at my suggestion and he's never suggested something for us to do. I'll try to let him know that I'm pissed, but I'm not putting this lifestyle changing effort for something that might make him happy or might make him think of Sarah. Sarah scares the shit out of me, in case anyone was wondering. I still think they're a way better couple than we ever will, and she wasn't a secret. I feel like she's the Gina to JoeKat, but without as much hate. Just a lot of indifference, which is even worse in my book.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Graffiti

I do believe I would like to branch into the real thing, with physical results and paint and smells and evidence and consequence and an audience.

Tying a bunch of holes Together

The hole in my hammock is big enough for my entire arm and shoulder to fit through to make it possible to hug while on the hammock without it going numb. I'm all better emotionally, but completely mortified because of the cause.* It was a spectacular evening and we had fun carving pumpkins and I got the alpaca. :D

*PMSing ended last night, but I didn't know until eleven

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

"I love you" vs. "Love you"

I am in even less control of my emotions than I usually am, and the difference made my cold, sleepless night into a physically ill morning. Once might not have bothered me if the next time I was reassured, but twice has sent me into an insecure panic and has what will eventually not be a little stuck on my mind. I knew it would hurt, but there's not even anything behind this. I think there's a difference, and I hope it's not prompted by anything.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

NMbtV

I'm going to try going vegetarian for a month. I understand the concepts of economic vegetarians and social vegetarians and health vegetarians, but I'm doing it for none of those reasons. I'm doing it because vegetarians taste better and I want to return the favor. Only for a month or so, until sometime after Halloween, but it could potentially backfire. I think Sarah C. is a vegetarian, and I don't want to rekindle memories. I also don't want to imply I'm flattering him by mimicking his lifestyle choice, though I do admire it. It could potentially be fun. Lunch and breakfast are almost always meatless, so dinner is my only obstacle, and I've eaten a lot more fruit than I would otherwise. Vitamins to supplement protein and iron are back in my diet and a whole lot of water to clear out my system faster. I started yesterday and we'll see how it goes.

No Meat but the Vegetarian's

Sunday, October 19, 2008

He got me flowers and wore Chuck Taylors


They're beautiful and smell very cool and light. I've never gotten a bouquet before and I don't know if there's any special way I'm supposed to dry them so I can save it. I felt very much myself because I was wearing my fancy heels that cost more than $20 and a dress that only I have owned and a necklace I bought with my own money with flowers gotten specifically for me that took effort to get, and yet not me because I only ever wear things that are secondhand. It was nice. I had a lot of fun.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The kid on my bus got a new cologne.

Remedy to my Lack of Beautiful Words

I do not know the story behind the sadness in your eyes but i hope as the day gives way to night that somehow there is something to make you happy, if only for a moment. You are awesome. Remember that. Love you.
-Molly

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

One Txt to Save

Another was that I felt honored to be consulted. Thank you.
-Oct. 8th 2008

Duke

My aunt Karen is the Head Archivist of Photography or something ridiculous at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina. I've spent a spring break on campus and an Easter in the chapel, but I was too young to appreciate her life and the simple pleasures of sitting and enjoying it. Art, music, and the beauty of the campus and gardens combined for me to have a great weekend. Friday I flew down on South West and got to sit in on three classes, because the professor of my fourth class, Global Warming, got the stomach flu. Strangely, the highlight of my trip was a quote. Aunt Karen lives in Old West Durham, and this angry looking calico cat was stalking amongst the shrubbery in her front yard. Pointed out, my aunt said, "That's Mabel. She's fearless and likes to nap." And I couldn't think of any description I want more.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Said Everything

Standing in sunlight and grey asphalt I finally said everything I'd been meaning to say for a year and a half, and the conflicts I've meant to say for two weeks. Friendship was neglected for personal interest, and the distance was noted by both of us. I look forward to the response, even though the answers were everything I wanted to hear and the silence wasn't terrible. The reassurance was an air of realistic acceptance, so the doubt and sadness in my voice were about as matched, and about as final.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Txts: Adorable

That's sad, but i suppose That's the price for being young and in love. i'm glad you don't let that stop you though - isn't it all totally worth it?
-Jeff

It'll work. And I'll pull over if I have to. I decided to leave out the last 5 pages of the chapter because I'm so worn out. I love you SO much for SO many reasons, the topics of this conversations only representing a small percentage. I'm sure I'll see you in my dreams, and then for real in the morning. Goodnight darling. Sleep well. :] <3 <3
-Dave

Sleeping already? Alright, I won't keep you up. Hope you get a good night's sleep, Chloe. I love you too. If sing real love and try to serenade you from here. :] <3
-Dave

Hahaha really, 6th grade swimming? Same here! That's so great!
-Dave, on my crush on him in 6th grade

I love it. That's so awesome we have that. We were destined to come together eventually. Thank you AP Chem. I give that class and Abby/Trisha credit for catalyzing this relationship. Kudos to them. :D
-Dave

Sweet. So I had a fucking great afternoon.*
-Dave

*Epic understatement.
-Dave, on Friday, October 3rd

I know. Me too. It would've been nice I think. That was the best wordless hour I've had in probably forever. I love spending time with you so much. <3 :]
-Dave

You make me so happy all the time. It's almost worthless to say because words don't do it any justice. But either way I feel like I need to say how much you mean to me.
-Dave

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love yooooouuuuu! :D
-Dave, October 6th, 7:20, interrupting band

:D Hahaha! I love you and all your goddamn spontaneity that makes me smile and laugh and skip and dance.
-My reply

I was thinking about you nonstop all afternoon and I just decided to tell you why. :]
-Dave

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Optic White Chuck Taylors: Right Shoe

On October 1st, 2008, I got a new pair of optic white, Chuck Taylor, Converse ALL*STARS. Using my double tipped Sharpie, I then spent the following two hours planning my works, and three subsequent hours writing, doodling, and musing on how Chucks became the shoe of creative license. This is a collection of what I wrote, as inclusive as possible.

THIS MACHINE SURROUNDS HATE and forces it to SURRENDER.
How many loved your moments of glad grace, and loved your beauty with love false or true, but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you.
To dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free, silhouetted by the sea... Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
Oft in the tranquil hour of night, when stars illume the sky, I gaze upon each orb of light and wish that thou wert by.
WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
I walked out in the desert to look at the moon. There was a jeweled city on the horizon. Spires rising in the night, but the jewels were diadems of electric and the spires were the neon signs ten stories high.
let me tell you the story 'bout the call that changed my destiny
Oh glorious night! Thou wert not sent for slumber.
You cannot cry in space.
Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.
watch the tramcar Please
she's not a girl who misses much
HALLELUJAH
Sex burns 360 calories an hour
To find a queen without a king they say she plays guitar and cries and sings
She only reveals what she wants you to see
BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE
Go now, you are forgiven
What can I say to the old desire?
If your time to you is worth saving, then you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone
Freedom lies in being bold.
isn't it totally all worth it?
Wish you were here
M&M
Yes, Virginia
All the things she said
FARMHOUSE
Love me, that's all I ask of you
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need
He was a stranger to all the world, but he was not lonely
How does it feel? How does it feel to be with a home, like a complete unknown? Like a ROLLING STONE. You're invisible now, you've got no secrets to conceal. Oh.
WITHOUT TRUTH you are the LOOSER
You wasted life why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.
G
R
A
V
I
T
Y
Plays favorites
Gonna lay in the grass, open an' honest with anybody that'll have me. Gonna cuss an' swear an' hear the poetry of folks talkin'. An' that's holy.
These blessed candles of the night.
Me + You = Great Hair
Puedo escribir los versos mas triste esta noche. Escribir por ejemplo, "La noche essta estrellada, y tiritan, azules, los astros, a los lejos."
So it goes.
the dead have all the glory of the world
Po-tee-weet
HEAEH!!!
All you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be
So no more we'll go a roving, So late into the night, though the heart be still as loving, and the moon be still as bright
So sad So strange The days that are no more
we're ridin' out tonight to case the promised land
She went her unremembering way, She went and left in me, the pang of all the partings gone, and partings yet to be
Mythozoology
I believe in the sand beneath my toes
Do not go gentle into that good night.
I never ever saw the stars so bright
STARS
STARS
Who do you want to be? The person you hope to be, or the person you fear you actually are?
Dawn seemed to follow midnight with indecent haste
There were no stars....... they were blotted out by the light of the boardwalk
Sharpie
there's magic in the music and the music's in me
WAWA
Go away from my window, and leave at your own chosen speed
I had some dreams there were clouds in my coffee
I could use a little fuel myself and we could all use a little change
It's a COOKBOOK!
TO SERVE MAN
TO SERVE MAN
TO SERVE MAN
TO SERVE MAN
TO SERVE MAN

Wawa

How could any franchise, except for possibly Wal*Mart, have a more direct effect on the hearts and minds of the people? Named for the Ojibwe word for "goose," Wawa happens to have it's birthday on April 16th. This year, it will be turning 55 and celebrations will occur in our hearts, if not making a special or accidental trip for the occasion. Like everything else that ever goes to Delaware, the du Ponts had a little bit of influence, with Eleuthère (Thère) du Pont serving as the CFO and president at some point. What the hell is with our obsession with this enormous, though perceived tiny, vendor of processed foods and conveniently delicious hoagies? According to Forbes Magazine, in 2007 it was the 64th largest private company in America. Jackass Johnny Knoxville has the logo tattoo'd on his left arm and The Bloodhound Gang complains about its lack of name recognition. Our August 12th Scavenger Hunt involved taking photos of as many Wawas as possible. My dad has decided the amount of money he spends there in one week is incalculable. It's where Dave and I had our first date, simultaneously earning the title of one of the few places worth walking to after midnight. There's no way Glen Thrills could hold its proud name without it. I'm also of the opinion it couldn't support a sustainable population as 90% of the Garnet Valley Band would have already collapsed of starvation and I'm sure countless students more as well. Their milkshakes are f'real, and the mixing machine reminds me of STAR WARS. There may be NO LOITERING, but my heart will linger here for time to come.

"Do you even know what a Wawa is?"
Microsoft Word doesn't.
Wikipedia duhs.
"It is often associated with the Philadelphia area and the Delaware Valley"

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Txts I have Sent and found worth keeping

We're not sure how it came about, but he was passing out papers and just said, "Chloe's a communist" and then pulled out a picture of a childrens war parade and said you and Viv were leading it. He was pretty scandalized.
To: Jeff
Sent: Oct. 2, 2:33 pm

I may not put my sweat and blood into the mallets, but I certainly put it on them. -Chloe.
To: Tom
Sent: Feb. 4th, 5:00 pm

Okay, so we played the game where you have a word written on a plate and you have to guess it by asking yes or no questions. So I got my first one right in like, seven questions and it was hilarious. Afterwards, I got a second one, and I have to say, Matt came up with the most ingenious scheme/word that could possibly exist. The word: "play psychologist." I was absolutely in hysterics. They were playing with me while I was guessing. It was great. JoeKat's was "That Guy." He could not get.
To: Jeff
Sent: Apr. 14, 10:21 pm

I got pantsed in bear wrestling. :P
To: Jeff
Sent: Apr. 20, 10:09 pm

My drunk uncle's philosophy of life: if you love them, set them free. Or deport them. If they come back, plant an illegal substance on them.
To: Matt G.
Sent: Jun. 15, 11:27 pm

Also, my offer to make out with you is temporarily negated until further notice.
To: Wasiq
Sent: Jul. 12, 12:08 pm

I concede that my first win was due to you being distracted, but I totally would have won if we kept going. And my whole look is a finely tuned defensive strat I've perfected to combat a guy's natural advantage.
To: Dave
Sent: Jul. 22, 10:29 pm

I think Existentialism in the Whorehouse could be one of those cult classic, totally worth a shot.
To: Dave
Sent: Jul. 27, 1:02 am

I haven't played with LEGOs in so long that there's a housing and employment crisis. It's devastating.
To: Matt G.
Sent: Jul. 29, 1:57 pm

GNOME!
To: Dave
Sent: Aug. 12, 9:22

Haha. At least it's something productive, even if it's useless. When they showed the wolf spiders and the male was tapping his signal I thought of Morse. A lot of Es.
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 4, 10:31 pm

I'm the one with herpes. I don't care.
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 6, 1:31 pm

Woo! Last night I was like, "Dave doesn't have his phone :\ but at least I won't be up so late." Then I spent the whole night thinking about you anyway. :P
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 10, 3:55 pm

Hahaha. Even though we're in separate states you've made me laugh more than anything in this one.
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 14, 12:26 pm

Wow, then you are straight up intoxicating. Goodnight, Dave, while I was more often occupied with you, I paid more attention to this game than any since HERSHEY's. Sleep tight with fantastic dreams, I will see you in the morning, and I love you. :] <3 <3 <3
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 21, 11:44

If I put more than two quarters into a game I'm invested in it. (puns, get it?!)
To: Dave
Sent: Sep. 27, 11:12 pm

Absolutely. It's more than I could have ever imagined. I feel like such a nerd for trying to love without fear and comparing it to Yossarian.
To: Jeff
Sent: Sep. 29 12:03 am

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Txts:

Glad to please the olfactories. Also glad to instill in you a tiny bit of fleeting interest in football. I'll see you in the morning. You make Monday's worthwhile. Sleep well. I love you too. :D
-Dave

We should totally go on Wheel of Fortune teen best friends. We'd pwn.
-Matt

Yea! And any other best friends show.
-Matt

:] I love you too, and it makes me so happy to have you return it so fully. Perhaps we can do something together tomorrow after school. Sleep tight, beautiful. <3
-Dave

It's supposed to be chilly tomorrow. I'd recommend something warm. :P Sweet dreams, Chloe. I love you too. <3
-Dave

Loved yours. [graffiti] The alpaca actually looks good? I'm genuinely surprised. And I meant to say something when I saw you later tonight, but I never did. You looked absolutely gorgeous today. I'm not sure why but I kept having to just look at you. :]
-Dave

Saturday

My dad woke me up at 9:15 to ask if I wanted to shower before the band competition. I said no, because he had woken me out of a dream and was still in dream paralysis. Although being woken mid-dream allowed me to remember it, so pretty much woke up horny. I sat in bed for another twenty minutes before getting dressed and confused about what the hell cheering was outside my window. Oh right, the parade that I had intended to skip if it wasn't canceled for the band. Stupid cheerleaders, sucks they had to go. We got to the band room, I helped load up the pit stuff, and then sat on the bus with Abby for the hour long trip to Rising Sun, Maryland. The battery made it quite the hilarious ride, with Schade's imitation of the sorting hat being the highlight. It rained on and off during the ride, but not really anything more than a drizzle. I hadn't eaten breakfast, so the two hot dogs and M&Ms at the snack bar was a life saver. Trisha and I chatted up the designated hosts who showed us around. They told us to get into full uniform on the bus, and on our way there it started raining just enough to make us damp and uncomfortable, but it stopped not even ten minutes later. Getting closer to what was supposed to be our performance time, we got off the bus and went around to the loading truck. Our instruments came off with not too many problems, even though Sarah, Trisha, and I complained about the band parents. There was a bit of a walk to the set up point, but there were enough band parents to help us get there. Almost immediately as we arrived in where we were supposed to be, it started dripping over our coverless instruments. I tried leaning over my marimba, but as it's a keyboard it wouldn't be too badly affected. Mrs. Glanfield threw her coat over the rosewood, Big Red, and then went back to grab the covers off the truck. I leaned over a snare until they returned. We moved our instruments under an overhang, but the majority of us spent the next forty minutes out in the pouring rain. That was when we got the call to move inside. Morale was low, but just before we were supposed to perform I got into the zone and had a fun, pretty decent performance. According to D we won best section, and because of our dedication in the rain, we pretty much applied that to best section forever. The hour long ride home wasn't as uncomfortably moist as I thought it was going to be, and I got animal crackers. Cleaning up didn't take as long as I'd predicted, and we left the covers to dry.

Dave's dad picked me up after everything was in its place, and when we got to his house, Dave let me borrow dry clothes and put mine in the dryer. We watched three score-less innings of the Phils, a few minutes of "Space Balls: The Animated Series," and the first half-hour of Rocky IV, where Soviet, Ivan Drago, kills Rocky's best friend, Apollo Creed, in what was supposed to be a good will match. For some ridiculous reason, Rocky then announces he's going to fight Ivan in Russia on Christmas, without consulting his wife. Dave then summarized the rest of the movie as a 35 minute training montage and the fight where he wins. I referenced the DBZ where Vegeta destroys the PSI measuring punching machine. His brother got out of the basement, so we went down there so I could play Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I owned the first level as Vader because he's nearly indestructible, and it had some pretty good cut scenes. Dave switched to his profile and brought down a Star Destroyer with just the Force. We watched off the Phils, (Go Rollins!) then some fat comedian talking about people who take too long waiting in line. Then another fat comedian talking about being fat and loving the south. At 7:30 my dad called because I hadn't called (I thought he said call when you're ready, not call at the band room when I had talked to him on the bus). I got to stay until around 10 when the PSU vs. Illinois game should have been overish. We went upstairs and had a nice dinner of pizza from Cafe Riviera from the mall. Football is boring, and I was sleepy, but still highly impressed with Penn State's crazy white out. I got to spend the rest of my evening with his arm around me, yawning, and petting his dogs Boomer or Javelin. A fantastic evening despite the rain and sports.

<3

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What do I like?

I have flaunted my lack of passion and ambition in this world to those who would be disappointed to hear it. Lazy simplicity brings a warm, sleepy contentment that dwells for hours, and companionship the pleasure of forgetting everything beyond the simply lazy. If those are things that bring me happiness, how can I possibly earn a living from that? I have no pride in my achievements. The barely recent accomplishments which I hold most dear are the placement of HERSHEY on the snowy banks of GV, taking third highest scoring individual in Villanova Quizbowl, and being called the poster child for mallet percussion by an instructor from a school even ours can deem sub-par. I dream of distance and escaping the fate that everything here must come to an end, whether or not before its time. Perhaps at college I will find my calling. Maybe I will discover it was not college actually calling. My parents continually express distaste at my potential life choices. Cultural history appeals to me, but daily practicing it in any form of income earning profession would bore. Psychology and the mysterious origin of mind has perplexed me beyond any other subject, but I am disgusted by people. Sex counselor hasn't been brought up. But if I do wind up becoming a stripper and living in a van, I hope that van will have enough gas to get me close to finding something I want.

"But in the hereness of dusk I am moving toward the doomlike bells through the flowered air, beneath the rising moon."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

92% Full Requires I clear things out

Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
-Dave

That's so cute and little-kid. Cheerios and chocolate. I love it. Did you do anything else noteworthy today besides watching movies?
-Dave

I don't mean to be impatient for a response but I'm really tired. Busy afternoon I guess. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks for everything you've done to make me the happiest dude in the state. :] Sleep well and sweet dreams, Chloe. I love you. <3
-Dave

Haha word to that babe! I'd "hypothetically" "produce viable offspring" with you any day of the week. Let's give Lamark some credibility and adapt!
-Dave

You've never had a Filaffle?!? Holy shit Chloe we're getting Filaffles a.s.a.p.! What you're describing sounds just like Filaffle bread. They're incredible!
-Dave

P.S. I'd rather you fuck social norms than fuck me. Who needs them anyway?
-Dave

I believe all of that 100%. I can say that I really felt something different when we said goodbye on Friday night in my dad's driveway. Your mom kind of interrupted, but the love and the trust felt like it was all there. Maybe some kind of progress. Any truth to that?
-Dave

I certainly will, Chloe, and I trust you will as well. I'll see you in the morning. I love you. Goodnight. <3
-Dave

Grammar doesn't really concern me, that's still a great way to end the night. :] Enjoy your daily dose of existentialism. See you tomorrow. Goodnight love. <3
-Dave

I can't get enough of that goofy grin. :] Get that much needed rest. Have awesome dreams and I'll see you tomorrow one way or another. I love you. <3 x0x0
-Dave

Okay. That's a shame, really, considering nobody else is likely to be home at that time.
-Dave, in reference to:

"If you come over any time before 1:30 I'll probably be in the shower :P" -Dave
"As much as I'd love to stumble upon you in that condition in the future, I don't believe I will make it over before then." -Chloe

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Types of Notes I Write

Very often in class, or in any of my freetime, I will take a piece of paper and write, in tiny font, cursive or print, the swirling thoughts which have lately been inspired by Dave. This is something similar, as I do occasionally reference this tendency in my work. I've recently taken to answering the question, "How are you?" not with "good," "ok," or another term of relative indifference, but with "Fantastic," or "Excellent." This general haze of happiness is intermittently punctuated by moments of manic anxiety or late night melancholy. But since my birthday, the contented peace I've been living with is sublime. There have been times I worry I am not seeing my friends as often as I should, but I made attempts at remedying that this weekend. My change has already come to pass, I am very aware. My priorities have shifted from the last time I took notice. Perhaps it was a gradual transition, and I cannot find Dave an influence for my waning interests, but perhaps it is in a way I do not realize.
1. First and foremost, loyalty among friends and the time to develop it.
Sweet nothings for Sarah and Gina. Music, politics, communism, and the world before us in the presence of Nicki. Frustrated rants on school, band, relationships, and the general time of things with Abby. Particle physics, the scum of the internet, and all the general, hilarious irony I can find for Matt. Questioning art and exploration of my beloved Viv in Philly. Angry musings and silly, secret realizations with Trisha. Keeping up with each other and general sharing of experience with my big brother figure, Jeff. Even making sure I interact with my real brother figure, Jack.
2. Secondly, my breath taking romantic interest, Dave
There was no particular friendship to speak of, before our venture into whatever beautiful relationship we have. Despite this, the simple happiness and wild pleasure he inspires brings such a comfort to not feel so very alone. Unique in ways I can only dream, his intellect is on a plane unlike any I have met, and a humor of a more refined, and slightly more relevant, Steve Goff. I am in very few ways equal, but this conglomeration of quirks and behavioral oddities makes me comfortable as only a small number have achieved.
3. Marching Band
Strange as it is, with my desperate dislike of the original songs, a greater dislike of how dissimilar our rewritten music is, and the time dedication, I hold it in very high regard. Our two freshmen are exemplary personalities I have failed to connect with. Though I hope an introductory party will change that.
4. Hi-Q
Maybe it's only so high because there have been no other major organization I would dedicate my time to, but there has been a severe decline in my interest for this particular establishment. Personality clashes especially, and the recent "innovations" in our memorization practices have a lot to do with it, but it's also the very distinct change from what it felt like my freshman year.
5. Indoor Drumline
Only so far because it is not a direct issue time-wise, the decimation of our potential members pool has caused significant morale issues among everyone, including the still cumbersome pit. Outstanding personalities with general talent have left, and the void is not being replaced by students eager to fill it.
6. Speak UP
Also relegated to such a low position simply because the other organizations are of more direct importance. The numbers of this group have caused issues with distractions that otherwise cannot be overcome. But rather than informed students with ideas to discuss and question, there are loud, unrelated comments that, while hilarious, serve no purpose.
7. Schoolwork?
I'm sticking it to the man with very negative reflections on my grades
I wish I had art class instead of math.

Throw Family somwhere in there and you got me about covered.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Spirit Fingers

"Meh it was an okay sleep. Haha I just got "a request to take a leave of absence" (fired). :P"
-Dave

"Yay! (spirit fingers)"
-me

"Lol spirit fingers."
-Dave

"Ow I just burned my spirit fingers on a hot plate from the microwave."
-Dave

"I was like "Ah my spirit fingers!" and my dad called me a faggot."
-Dave

":\ I almost said "Not these spirit fingers!" accompanied by the shocker, but then I imagined the ensuing conversation and thought better of it."
-Dave
Maybe I won't skip Homecoming. I have to use that damned dress sometime. I'd always like to wear it to school over jeans with a sweater though. While I knew we could slowdance not at the dance, and we'd have to put up with the rest of the horrible music, they might play Never Gonna Give You Up.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I Love You

I loved Joe, I did, but being my first boyfriend I would never had said so, fearing I would scare him away. Yet, love prevailed, and on one special occasion he texted me, "I love you." I don't know if I had ever been more elated; having my love returned and being worthy of love and being loved in any sense of the word. I told him that I felt the same way for him and how incredibly happy I was that we shared these feelings. I was soaring and skipping and flying and breathless all day in my bliss. However, less than 24 hours later he took it back, and suddenly I didn't feel so worth loving anymore. I still loved him, and sometimes said so, but he never told me again. I wasn't heartbroken, but it did hurt quite a lot.

......... ....... ........

Dating Dave, I tried so hard not to love him, despite everything fantastic about him and his ability to sound and act like the hero from a romance novel. I felt that if I could keep my happy indifference towards him, that it wouldn't hurt so much when he was left with only the indifference. If I loved him and the love wasn't returned, or was eventually taken back, my heart might have broken. I had assumed, from his string of relationships, that perhaps I would be someone fun to hang out with and perhaps someday a belt notch. I was willing to play that part if I could stay with him for as long as possible. Never had I dreamed that he is capable of finding love for me. It left me speechless, and even what I said minutes later was stupidly, stammeringly cheesy. Somewhere inside me, I didn't believe him still, but the thought of him taking it back brought tears to my eyes. Everything about him is worth liking or loving, and for gaining those two things, the rest is tolerable at the least. I don't believe I will ever find such an ideologue of hilarious genius.

Because he could find love for me, and make me feel worthy of it, I have found love for him and for not taking it back.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I'll figure it out

and someday I'll be able to list the nouns and adjectives and feelings that have me all a'flutter, but for now, it's a verb.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Hippocratic means of or pertaining to Hippocrates
hypocratic is not a word
and hypocritic doesn't apply

I think I'm going to suck his dick.
&
I've never been happier for such a period of time.
&
I'm glad I'll get to keep my title.
&
I'm skipping Homecoming.
&
I'm really glad he'll still make me laugh when we break up.

090508

Yesterday I spent about two and a half hours in school with Dave, and possibly spoke to him for ten minutes tops. However, after school we hung out at his house and watched this horrific horror movie, Screamers. It didn't have a plot, but it did have bad CGI, bad stop-motion animation, and terrible acting. We watched it for about an hour, but decided it wasn't even worth watching. This whole time I had my head on his shoulder. We hadn't even kissed yet that day. It was around 4:30, and because I had to be at band by five we wanted to find something else to do. His mom suggested we walk the dog, and because of the shade and breeze it was a pretty pleasant experience. However, Ruke (rhymes with Duke, I don't know the spelling) refused to do his business and we spent like twenty minutes coaxing him to relieve himself. When we got back I had to grab my stuff and go, but I'd see Dave at the game. The bus ride was fun, the game was good, I had a lot of fun, and screamed my lungs out. Dave rode the band bus home and Mr. DeMarro acknowledged him with sociability. I wanted to kiss him, but I was afraid of chipping a tooth with the turns the bus was taking, so we talked to Christian for some of the trip. Getting back I put my stuff away, walked out to the office with him, we shared our first and last kiss of the day and he left. His mom had been in the parking lot and saw us.

A pretty normal story, but I was told that about an hour and a half after I left his house, Dave's step dad came home and walked the dog. Upon arriving home a little while later, unable to convince the dog to poop because there wasn't anything left, he asked if Dave had walked the dog earlier. Yeah, around five. "Did Chloe happen to be with him?" Yes, where's he going with this? I don't know the exact words, but his step dad discovered a used condom at the bottom of the hill and we did spend twenty minutes out "walking the dog." Neither of his parents believed him. An exact quote from his mom was, "The couch wasn't good enough for you?" The clincher is the first words as Dave got in the car that evening were, "My god, Dave. Haven't you had enough of her in public already?" We spent about six hours together and made out for under ten seconds and that's what I get for it.

Txts I feel bad about posting, but they're so adorable I had to...

Hakuna Matata transcends Disney! It's a legit African phrase! But Lion King is fantastic. Don't think for a minute that this lessens my deliberate disassociation with Walt Disney.
-Dave

Sometime I want a nap in that hammock. I've been tempted to doze off before. It's not particularly comfortable, but it's so relaxing....
-Dave

I'd go starving photographer. But photography pay fairly well as compared to other forms of art, so a more accurate phrase would probably be "uncomfortably hungry photographer." And if it came right down to it, I would totally patronize you. If you weren't already sharing the van with me. :P
-Dave

Haha I thought the same thing but I didn't want to be super lame! You complete me! :D I also heard many Is and Ss.
-Dave, in reference to The Mating Game in Bio where a wolf spider was sending tapping signals which both of us immediately referenced to Morse Code

HEAEH!!!! HE- HE- HE- HEEEAAAEEEHHHH. *creepily* heeeeaaaaeeeehhhh....
-Jeff

I just typed half a text about how I cared about my reputation and then I realized that was dumb and I deleted it. I like the idea of acceptance. And I'd rather be embarrassingly lame with you than 400 megafonzie cool with anyone else!
-Dave

I don't care what people think any more now than I ever have in the past. Probably less actually, because I have everything I cold want at the moment.
-Dave

(Not literally at the moment, because right now I'm at my house and you're at your house...)
-Dave

Haha that's so doable! What did you think I was working toward with that dumb Hopscotch analogy? :P
-Dave

First words spoken upon entering the car: My god, Dave. Haven't you had enough of her in public by now?
-Dave, on Dave's mom*

Fucking sweet! Haha I never knew that rule was mutual! I just assumed it was one of those rules guys made up and then were basically unable to enforce.
-Dave, on "you give one you get one"

Wow, even the date. Ironically, if it was at night, you might have crossed over midnight and into February 19th, my birthday!...
-Dave

*There's a story behind this