Through the day I murmur and shout that I am blessed, my holy godless mantra.
I am overly emphatic about that. Last night, even more so. A haze of love and perfect understanding overwhelmed me. Danielle was finally recognized as everything perfect that I adore and am not. She works in a socialist summer camp. She is going to be an elementary school teacher. She is perfectly, wonderfully odd. Even her features and mannerisms convey a knowing in ways I cannot. I was blessed for having Jess that I should wind up with her in the long run. For the first time in a long time, we sat with Tina in her room. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was on, the end, when Charlie finds out what happened to the boy who got everything he ever dreamt of. I felt like that boy too. Tina shared that while she's the skinniest she's been in her life, she's still scared that Jesse will drop her when he goes to pick her up. It was such a normal, specific fear that I'd never thought of, one indicative of the past and society's ideals. It is such a depth of character fear, including the guilt she felt in not being confident. In those moments of listening, I felt utterly blessed to be surrounded by such strong and beautiful women. I was gleefully happy, which amused Tina greatly.
Later, I felt weird about having been so emphatic and childish about my love that day. It was a pure and innocent disappointment, though, like I'd been excited to draw a smiley face in window's condensation, only to realize the condensation was on the other side and feeling crestfallen dumb.
At Outdoor's club today, the guys were apologetic for leaving me behind on Tuesday's midnight pretzel run. They hadn't realized it was a legitimate hipster race from the art museum and felt guilty about leaving behind "the lil' girl." Each of them had approached me individually to make sure I got home okay, but now it's makes for a fabulous story. It got an enthralled audience from the club members who hadn't heard.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I went to Pitt and met Gab's internationally traveled professor grandparents, Bubbi and Zadie. I smoked hookah and in a public park. I found Hogwarts branded by the Carnegie name and knitted through a conversation about our impossible future together as "the lesbian aunts." I slept well and dreamt. I met people and made friends and wished for a return a different sort of pit party.