*sigh?*

I do not understand so much. Another night with the damn bear. It represents everything that was good about him and the relationship. It's odd, because I know I wouldn't go back to be with him for his personality, but I would be friends with benefits?! I know it couldn't work because it'd be so awkward, but I also would feel like I am betraying the future thinking about this. I tried switching my fantasy lover to Matt, but it doesn't work AT ALL. It's too weird and creepy. Of course, it's not weird at all I still fantasize about Joe.

I sometimes wonder if he thinks about it. I've always assumed it didn't mean as much to him. After all, I was the fifth girl he kissed I think, and his third legitimate girlfriend, but never a Gina. I was sad that followed him. I suppose it did with good measure, but she got to move on without consequence and it was assumed Steph and I were rebounds, despite the fact it was at least five months later. I don't understand why Gina is so angry, and if I knew maybe it'd be easier? Yet I get the distinct feeling she's just holding a grudge.

I also wonder what's up with Matt. Kacey said she'd be fine if I dated him, and almost hopes I do to prove he's fine. But we both came off of relatively significant relationships, his longer, mine more important to me, and there's no way I want the word rebound ever associated with our relationship. I want Matt to mean something, and Joe to just be practice.

"Then I thought about the present and how much of it is mine to keep."
-Kurt Vonegut

Content?!

I'm very happy with where I stand. It's pretty much the end of the year. The only things I have to do are in English and a term paper. Just out of school projects really.

I've learned to be content with Sarah's run to friend, it's nice. She can be Abby's best friend for the rest of their lives, but when she's fighting with Abby, I'll be there. I'll be there for the rest of it, just not as important a role.

Trisha's awesome, she's got gossip and cares.
Abby's awesome, but I fear her ambition? Until then, she's fun. Too much melodrama.
Viv has been back for awhile. Tom is adorable. Steph is a cutie. Gina and I are having a "secret" love affair.

Boys are great right now. Joe and Dave are hilarious in Chem class and gym. I'm back to appreciating Jeff again. Matt's pretty much my BFF and single. EVERYone can see we're going to get together, it just matters when. Hopefully not too soon as I am not currently interested. He can't stay single forever, and I'm sure I'll be jealous again, but damn if this isn't sweet right now.

I feel a little bit vindicated by this. I had a great time with Joe, but I knew there was nothing in it. I've wanted Matt to be my highschool sweetheart for such a long time if such things still exist. At least I know I'll mean something to someone faster than Joe will to another girl.

I've already said my goodbyes to him, so I don't have to care. I'll be friends again when he's in college, because then it doesn't matter at all. I feel great. Swimmin' is just around the river bend.

Recollection

I spent about an hour thinking about him last night. Not really who he is now, but what it was like. Several things remind me of it, and it's not bad, because the whole thing was a lot of fun. Something made me actually laugh out loud thinking about it. That might have been painful irony though. Nutella Sammiches, excellent, and Nutella Sammich Kisses, not as excellent. Pretty much everything at the Sale does. It was our first date. He paid for dinner and I bought him baklava. He slipped on the hardwood floor once, that was funny. I wound up smelling like him that day. He does have a good choice of body spray. I made a line of a song that doesn't have any other words because I liked it. He kissed me with his eyes closed, so I changed it to, she fucks with her eyes closed. He's also not a good kisser. Very heavy lipped. Now I'm just angry he's sorta boring and I don't know what to say to him. I miss talking, but again, there's nothing to say to him. I laughed at how long our conversations were. I thought it was crazy. I've wound up having similarly long conversations with Matt which sorta pisses me off. I don't want anything from Matt right now. I will later, I know, and while I could have a romantic relationship, I'm just not in it yet. I don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship because it means so much to me. Also, I'm still a little bit not done fantasizing about Joe. I can't do anything on my own without thinking about him. Maybe that was what made me laugh, thinking about him and how he won't get anything else until he goes to college. Nope... I think it might have been the conversation in my head I was going to have with him about the pictures from Sarah's birthday party. Now that he's accepted into college, I don't see any reason not to put them back up. Plus, I'm still a fan of him topless. Which is weird. OMG! It was something about a fun patch and Dr. Cox. It was Dr. Cox I was thinking of... I'm completely over a romantic relationship, especially because he's not really funny anymore. He actually wasn't the whole time really... Matt's always made me laugh more. I'm not even sure where Wasiq fits in. Eh, hottie with a body.

Farmhouse

Welcome this is a Farmhouse
we have cluster flies alas
And this time of year is bad
We are so very sorry,
There is little we can do
But swat them

She didn't beg oh, not enough
She didn't stay when things got tough
I told a lie and she got mad
She wasn't there when things got bad

I never ever saw the northern lights
I never really heard of cluster flies
Never ever saw the stars so bright
In the farmhouse things will be alright

Woke this morning to the stinging lash
Every man rise from the ash
Each betrayal begins with trust
Every man returns to dust