*sigh?*

I do not understand so much. Another night with the damn bear. It represents everything that was good about him and the relationship. It's odd, because I know I wouldn't go back to be with him for his personality, but I would be friends with benefits?! I know it couldn't work because it'd be so awkward, but I also would feel like I am betraying the future thinking about this. I tried switching my fantasy lover to Matt, but it doesn't work AT ALL. It's too weird and creepy. Of course, it's not weird at all I still fantasize about Joe.

I sometimes wonder if he thinks about it. I've always assumed it didn't mean as much to him. After all, I was the fifth girl he kissed I think, and his third legitimate girlfriend, but never a Gina. I was sad that followed him. I suppose it did with good measure, but she got to move on without consequence and it was assumed Steph and I were rebounds, despite the fact it was at least five months later. I don't understand why Gina is so angry, and if I knew maybe it'd be easier? Yet I get the distinct feeling she's just holding a grudge.

I also wonder what's up with Matt. Kacey said she'd be fine if I dated him, and almost hopes I do to prove he's fine. But we both came off of relatively significant relationships, his longer, mine more important to me, and there's no way I want the word rebound ever associated with our relationship. I want Matt to mean something, and Joe to just be practice.

"Then I thought about the present and how much of it is mine to keep."
-Kurt Vonegut