Found Out Today

Today was, if all efforts fail,
the last day I had the right to call myself a GV band kid.
Thanks for the adventure.

Today was, if all efforts fail,
the day I began planning.
Thanks for giving me something else to do on Wednesdays.

Today was, if all efforts succeed,
the first day of many football games.
Thanks for the freedom.

We Will No on Saturday

My dad compared the level of my brother's science class to:
"dissecting insects with a hammer."

Yesterday, we had the interesting free write prompt in English,
"What makes someone popular?"

"ps- if you ever change your mind, you are always welcome back."
-text

I went back to the land of my last childhood "best friend" summer.

My dad saw me crying, keeping my head up,
and decided to fight my battle for me.

Bring on the eye liner, Dan G.'s pants, and Abby's music.
Tomorrow is picture day.

Jumping to Conclusions

I hate you.

I hate your incompetence, your ignorance, your selfish jealousy.

I hate your attitude.

I hate what you have done to my life, the things you don't realize.

I hate that you didn't consider the consequences.

I hate how you hurt me, because I let myself care.

she sings/and sang/now you

We are all such accidents. We do not make up history and culture. We simply appear, not by our own choice. We make what we can of our condition with the means available. We must accept the mixture as we find it — the impurity of it, the tragedy of it, the hope of it.
-Saul Bellows




I have now have Concert Band, BDF, 1st period, 2nd semester, complemented by Strength and Conditioning with Mrs. Knox. I'm excited to see Mrs. Knox again, but I might skip every day of band, take the F and the Saturdays.

'Missed you guys! :D The "welcome back" hugs were phenomenal. Simply showing up has never felt more like "suck it. suck it. just... suck it." *insert Godzilla roar and arm flail*

I have Physics with Gary and Dan S. I'm delighted and displeased.

Not learning in art, but still learning oodles in other classes, though the work is catching up with me as the courses really start.

Robotics Animation is AWESOME! I'm learning there too. :]

Kira and I went to the car show. It was cold. There were cars. Also, best group project ever with many inside jokes. Our table in English is by far the most diverse/best group.

p.s. I was 99% right about my previous prediction, but she said no (internally, I threw up my hands filled with confetti and wore a party hat).

Stream of Consciousness: Overwhelmed

oh and i'm shaking and weeping not for the past in sadness but truth and beauty and fragility and that my future will repeat the past and is doomed to repeat and I love you and him so much and there's so much and I can't hold on the desk isn't solid and breathing out making everything tighter and it's so full and so loud and so quiet and the light is flashing and tears are blurring and everything is beautiful and nothing hurt and I wanted them to leave before you did and it's slipping and everything's slipping but into something cool and calm and I enjoy the ride and the loss and the shaking and somber and I didn't turn on the light and I've cried so much on this desk and there's soot on my face and my hair and my clothes and always in my hair and Jimmy can smell it and I wonder if they wonder and it was so perfect and content and this is what it should be and we are the last and it's not coming out right and I can't force it out and it's all building up and silent and terrible and so much shaking and god, it was so beautiful it made me cry and overwhelming and I cannot touch him and I cannot touch him and I will not touch him and he will not see me and I am scared to see him and I'm scared for his life and I'm scared for letting them down and seeing them hurt. So much love and truth and beauty. It's not enough, this isn't helping. I cannot be Viv. I cannot give them so much happiness. They're speaking through me because they shaped me because I didn't have a choice, but I did and I love who I am I love who I am I love who I am you are in opposition to everything we stand for. You are ugliness and lies and stupidity and fuck fuck fuck fuck so much anger for your everything and for making fun of him and not standing up for him, but I wouldn't associate myself with him, he's weird. Augh. Please please please let me let me let me get what I want Viv is Summer and I love summer and I am alive in the summer and I made him alive and I weep and breathe and cry and take in the air and there are tears and I exhale. So much love, it's overwhelming. So much time and memory. I felt beautiful today and I'm going extinct.