3-20-09

It was the first day of spring, unbeknownst to me. Definitely used to be the 22nd. And yet, it was a Friday, and Jimmy and Rob were filming after school for the senior video. Drumline required my attendance at 4, and so hanging around and waiting for Jimmy was not inconvenient. Hand in hand, we walked from the glass lined hall to where Rob was sitting at the ticket booth. He questioned when we became an item, and we both jumped to the thought, "Not facebook official." (Though I said it first). Jimmy spent 25 minutes looking for the button to change his status. Before I could help him, and suggest it myself, a call to my beloved, Gina, was in order. I got my perfunctory Rita's water ice, ate some Chinese food, and selected the cellular buttons required (in the proper order) so that I could soon be speaking with the love of my open relationship. She gave her blessing and expressed happiness at my good fortune, and we had a lovely conversation. Wasiq frantically called me a few times to arrange me to pick up the buzzer system. We exchanged "winky smiley face" text messages. Jimmy and I had a fantastic phone call spanning over 80 minutes. I've never had more fun making fun of 9/11.

Blog Purge pt. 2

I looked over my other blog, devoid of quotes, and realized that while I probably wouldn't mind showing individuals a number of the posts there, it's still too personal. It's strange having secrets.

Last Letter

This is the last letter I wrote to Dave. It was hand written, and I did not send it. I wish I had given it to him.

Dear Dave,

The coming weeks will be tough, but eventually thinking about adorable memories won’t be quite so sad, and return to wistful warm and fuzzies. Sadness is only temporary and the cliché “you’re awesome and don’t need him and there will be other guys” lines aren’t really my problems. Of course I’m still awesome and independent, and yes, someday there will be someone else who will love me, I’m just going to miss you like crazy. You made my summer more special than I could have imagined, and autumn followed in a brilliant session. It’s because of you I can look at Kirk and the DAC and BYC and have real memories. Whenever I was with you, I felt so boring in comparison because you have near death stories and all around questionable escapades to speak of. However, because I was with you, I could tell other people interesting stories. Somehow dating “(not) the ninja,” sneaking out at night, being let go by the cops, and having a relationship made almost exclusively in a hammock made me seem like exciting, emotional lottery winner, and I was. You were my manicorn, and will be the man I think of for my iconic high school romance. Plus this summer also included winning a penis lollipop, tubing down the Brandywine on an inflatable, plastic whale, and going skinny-dipping. Things like that help me remember I’m awesome, even without you, though the inspiration helps.

I do not know when or why you stopped loving me, but I also don’t know how it began. In attempts to make me feel better, my friends have sullied your reputation or maybe cleared things up, but it assures beyond doubt you still care about me. Being near you there was warmth and security, and I’ll miss that, but this last decision as a couple was to protect me from further heartbreak. On a bad ending, there was the possibility that the memories that will eventually be happy ones again, would be lost. You made me profoundly happier than I’ve ever been for such a consistently wonderful time, and also gave me the most pleasant* physical feelings of my life. Any second of the wordless hour we spent together may possibly be the most beautiful moment of my life. If I ever show indifference towards you, it’s to keep myself from looking like an idiot in your presence.

Everything about our relationship was worth this heartbreak. I felt really lame because I was trying to love you without fear and comparing it to Yossarian. Nearly everyday I would recognize that someday you would not be there, and I would have to let you go. Time will pass before I can love without thinking about you, before I remember the should have been, but I can wait. I will wish we had more time together, but because of you, I know there is love, and I know that I can be loved, and that somehow, miraculously, I know I am handling this right. I will talk with you, or text sometime soon, but I want to get to a point where I think I could have the conversation without breaking down. I owe it to myself to be able to end things coherently.

You make it hard not to love you.

With love and anarcho-communism,

Chloe

Super Enormous Quote Post

So I was going to post all my quotes here, and did, and it's just too long and awful. It's 19 pages in a single spaced, 10 font, Times New Roman Word Document.

Blog Purge

I have two blogs. This one and my secret one. As of this post here, there are 108 posts in my other blog. It is where I write when I don't want anyone to see, but most of the time the things don't matter too much and the rest are quotes or notes. I'm going to remove many of the posts from there, and condense it to posts here. They will probably be word for word, although not necessarily with the title. The quotes I may make one enormous post. Cool.

Well, I guess this is growing up...

Things are sad in Delaware again.

I hate visiting my mom, because I don't like to see the pain she is in. So often I tear myself apart for my disloyalty. I love her, but I hate so much about what she has become. It takes so much strength for her to get through a day, and she is still the opposite of everything I want to be. Although I don't particularly like 3rd to 9th graders, I'm generally enamored with other children, and will probably be a mother at some point very far in the future. In that respect, raising young children and instilling an appreciation of life, I hope to be like her. In showing her children broken humanity and medical illness, exposing us to the tragedy that comes to good people, I don't want to be for anyone. It's made us good human beings, Jack and I. Maybe not the greatest sense of Christian morals, but we know right from wrong and appreciate the simple things of life. We talk about it sometimes, in little moments of resolve. His escapism is literal escape. He's never home those weekends. It's why I started walking, my short escapes. Whenever I was angry, or frustrated at our terrible condition, I would slam the door and walk for however long it took. Once, after getting furious with Jack, I left at an hour unfit for decent humanity to be wandering the streets. He waited a few minutes and followed me until I started to come home. I didn't tell him I noticed, but when I got back, we weren't fighting anymore. "Come home" isn't very appropriate. Returned to the apartment is more accurate, because my "home" is on a piece of commercial property in Pennsylvania with a tire swing, fruit trees, and dirt basement. The first time I told my mom I was considering going to the University of Hawaii, she told me I wasn't allowed to go far away. My family cannot put a lot of financial support behind furthering my education, except that neither of them graduated college, making me a first generation, and I'll get some decent need based funding. I don't really think they should have any say in where I choose to attend. My mom pointed out that if I went to Hawaii, I wouldn't be able to come home for holidays. In retrospect, I hope I didn't say what I was thinking, because I know that I would have said, "I don't consider your house a home, and my real one will be sold out from over us, demolished, the home I grew up in, and they'll cut down the walnut tree of my love/hate relationship, and I'll never be able to put up a hammock between two trees ever again." (The fact that I have a hammock between two trees is one of the greatest aspects of having a home). If I go to college, and my dad moves, there will not be a home to return to, I will probably be in better financial situation than my mom, and Jack will be busy having his own life with "exciting" people, though I will miss him like crazy. Hating Delaware has always been a selfish thing for me, but now it's because I hate her suffering, and am not inconvenienced by the distance.