Last Letter

This is the last letter I wrote to Dave. It was hand written, and I did not send it. I wish I had given it to him.

Dear Dave,

The coming weeks will be tough, but eventually thinking about adorable memories won’t be quite so sad, and return to wistful warm and fuzzies. Sadness is only temporary and the cliché “you’re awesome and don’t need him and there will be other guys” lines aren’t really my problems. Of course I’m still awesome and independent, and yes, someday there will be someone else who will love me, I’m just going to miss you like crazy. You made my summer more special than I could have imagined, and autumn followed in a brilliant session. It’s because of you I can look at Kirk and the DAC and BYC and have real memories. Whenever I was with you, I felt so boring in comparison because you have near death stories and all around questionable escapades to speak of. However, because I was with you, I could tell other people interesting stories. Somehow dating “(not) the ninja,” sneaking out at night, being let go by the cops, and having a relationship made almost exclusively in a hammock made me seem like exciting, emotional lottery winner, and I was. You were my manicorn, and will be the man I think of for my iconic high school romance. Plus this summer also included winning a penis lollipop, tubing down the Brandywine on an inflatable, plastic whale, and going skinny-dipping. Things like that help me remember I’m awesome, even without you, though the inspiration helps.

I do not know when or why you stopped loving me, but I also don’t know how it began. In attempts to make me feel better, my friends have sullied your reputation or maybe cleared things up, but it assures beyond doubt you still care about me. Being near you there was warmth and security, and I’ll miss that, but this last decision as a couple was to protect me from further heartbreak. On a bad ending, there was the possibility that the memories that will eventually be happy ones again, would be lost. You made me profoundly happier than I’ve ever been for such a consistently wonderful time, and also gave me the most pleasant* physical feelings of my life. Any second of the wordless hour we spent together may possibly be the most beautiful moment of my life. If I ever show indifference towards you, it’s to keep myself from looking like an idiot in your presence.

Everything about our relationship was worth this heartbreak. I felt really lame because I was trying to love you without fear and comparing it to Yossarian. Nearly everyday I would recognize that someday you would not be there, and I would have to let you go. Time will pass before I can love without thinking about you, before I remember the should have been, but I can wait. I will wish we had more time together, but because of you, I know there is love, and I know that I can be loved, and that somehow, miraculously, I know I am handling this right. I will talk with you, or text sometime soon, but I want to get to a point where I think I could have the conversation without breaking down. I owe it to myself to be able to end things coherently.

You make it hard not to love you.

With love and anarcho-communism,

Chloe