Saturday, November 5, 2011

I've been crying a lot and not crying a lot.
I breathe pretty consistently.
Sometimes, I almost feel rational again.
I made an awful choice, and it sucks. I want it undone. I want Bubba, but there's no going back from breaking his trust so unexpectedly where it was fragile to begin with.
It's so much more physically painful than I expected.
I cried on the phone with my mom.
I cried when Kevin texted me.
I cried at the freakin' wind ensemble performance.

Where to go from here? It can't be friendship, because I want him too much. I'm hurt. He is hurt. Trying now to start a foundation would be too soon. And I can't see why my friendship would be worth trying to him. I didn't feel good enough in the relationship, no reason to feel so now.

It had been a while since I blogged (ugly word). The unfortunate reason is that I don't really have anyone to talk honestly about this except Kevin, who is Bubba's housemate. I told my mom everything, but couldn't tell her I was crying on the phone. Nobody in my life even knew we were dating, let alone that it's already over. If these feelings had been caused by anybody else, I would've gone to Bubba.

Deep down, I know we're not "long term relationship partners." Yeah, we have fundamental differences, but GODDAMN WE'RE CHILDREN. I couldn't stay in the beautiful moments with him, or I didn't try hard enough.

I spoiled a lot of happiness.