Weekend and Weak Start

"I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more."

Saturday night was fun. Carley, Jeff, and I went to Tom Jones, orange pleather heaven, and were completely surrounded by scene-sters enjoying a late night snack. Carley slept over, and during the night we talked about the difference between pro-life and pro-choice, our lives, and the disgusting sense of entitlement at GV. Waking up, we made bacon and toast and sang during clean up,

"Doin' dishes as a team
Gonna make them squeaky clean
do doo do do doo..."

and so on an so forth. After robotics on Sunday, I went over Kacey's to talk about her trip to Ireland and have a generally good time with a friend it's tough to keep in touch with. When Steph came back from work, I made her tell me about her Ireland experience, because it was very different from Kacey's pubcrawling of the brogueish land. Unfortunately, I had a severe need to study for HiQ, as we had a meet the following day, so I had to leave a bit early after some very yummy cake. Studying for HiQ was not awesome, but we won with a 59 today, tying us in second place with Haverford. It was a fairly easy meet, pretty much all of the questions we got wrong came from my section. However, I pulled out the toss-up math for the second meet in a row. It's fairly ridiculous, but I'm proud. Friendly's was awful. I hate going to the HiQ Boys Club. I'm not in AP Physics or Stat or Calc, and I'm good at art and have a vagina. The hostility is subtle, admittedly, but there is conversation I am ashamed happens while the sweater is still on. It's not something I'm proud to go to anymore, because I don't feel a part of it.

Quotes: Three Years of a Secret Blog

They're all this and pages and pages of texts from Jimmy and sickly sweet musings I am too embarrassed to post.

"I screamed so much. I tried so hard to be normal, just until the end, so I screamed in anger and sadness and there was a catch in my voice and I hoped they lost so I wouldn't have to face another third quarter alone."

"This morning was awkward and tragic and frustrating. The new year is dawning."

"It was blue and we fell skyward..."

"If there is a time in the future where we can fall responsibly in love, I will be lovingly and devotedly head over heels for him."

"I want to be better, but hopefully he appreciates the eager enthusiasm and innocent desire to learn. "

"It felt so good and my will melted to him, though not all my anxiety."

"My existence does not include potentially scar-inducing activities. Therefore, I am a bit lacking in crazy/dangerous, easily recountable tales with the evidence always with me."

"He was worried my dad would walk in and discover his baby girl engaged in devious sex acts with the scruffy pothead. He didn't phrase it that way, but I got it."

"It was about me, and this full body tension, and the thrill of dangerous sexuality that had evaded me..."

"It hurt so much to say with confidence,..."

"I feel like I'm taken for granted, but not worth getting back."

"he'll never love you in public and he'll never love you when it's inconvenient for him"

"Loving you means I'll always be scared you'll stop. And every day I realize, someday, you won't love me, and we won't be friends."

"Somehow it makes it easier not to be ashamed."

"And in realizing that my happiness with him was the reason for her non-smile, acknowledged that someday I will wear that sad indifference."

"This morning I cried because I couldn't believe how wonderful things are with me and how happy and different and strange I was and how my everything is so crazywildperfect."

"My heart will break for you, and I will do anything in my power to save you from your evils, but my power is small against the world of pain and suffering we will live and die in."

"I really like people and it makes me sad sometimes that nice people are sad and I don't understand any of it
I feel so young and naive and I don't know why I walk all the time"

"I don't question her faith so much, because it gives her comfort, but it's hard not to."

"my Aarfy, your Michaela
what's one more dead among millions"

"You are more ordinary then I used to think"

"Please, stop! Your words are stabbing me!"

"We can discuss politics and math and science and humor and Wikipedia forever, but not philosophy or how your childhood made you who you are. I know this is simply the product of a sentimental late night pity-fest, but I've never shared anything really important with you except what was relevant to yourself."

"I don't want any of your monogamy, girls who make you happy, make you happy."

"I don't want to say that of my day, I look forward most to talking to you; that I giggle and grin when I think about lying in bed together or looking at you..."

"I pine softly for moments, rather than lifetimes."

"and I'm fantastic at keeping other people's secrets
but not my own"

"I keep falling for boys who do not need me"

"I am so worn down and tired. Time passes, I pass with it. My mom hugged me extra tight on Tuesday. She knew I was sad. I knew she was sad too."

"I berate myself in scathing letters and allow the sentiments to resonate in my silly little head. "

"My biggest regret is how much I believed in the future."

On blue M&Ms, I wish for opposing extremities. Either end provides more comfort than the in between.

I lack gross feminity. I consider college a possibility to run off into the sunset in high heels and hooker make up, to be a bimbo or an object or someone to be loved and wash the floors, at least for a little while. Giving up freedom for security works.

Ontology and Honesty

I'm ignorant and inexperienced!
I cannot believe myself into or out of a position except by state of mind and not physical or sovereign state. A glass of water doesn't change if you think happy thoughts at it. A human might, if you happen to smile during your telepathic direction of good will. "There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face." Beyond any seemingly sincere smile may lie misgiving and insecurity. I cannot prove that anything exists beyond my consciousness, and yet I trust the spoken word as promise. It's about about connotation and insinuations. To say, "You are my rock," is generally accepted to mean that the person in question is a source of stable security. For me to say, "You are my rock," would imply that I am being weighed down. I speak honestly to the best of my ability, usually in a blunt fashion, but I'll doublespeak more accurately in the implications. Because I utilize the nuance of language, I expect that others can and do, on occasion. I discover fine details of literary craftwork and sift double meaning from language that was not meant to hold any. While it serves itself well in academic passage analysis, it is an abhorrent practice to apply to text messages and love letters from time past. And yet, from every insecurity and momentary gasp it has elicited from me, I am rewarded with the occasional unveiling of an intent they did not mean to express. It is not worth it.

Dad

Being little, my dad was the strongest, oldest, smartest person in the whole world. He could hoist me and my Cookie Monster balloon up on his shoulders. He could beat up anyone or save me from anything. Now, he is older and a little broken, but wiser. On the way home tonight, we talked about musicians drinking to excess, keg parties in the woods, the slow-creeping, inevitable college, and an idyllic past. We sang "For What It's Worth." His voice is more pleasant for never hearing it in melody. I know he doesn't sing with Jack.

M&Ms, Spray Paint, and Sex Toys

Glitter is Evil!

Othello won Desdemona not with witchcraft, but storycraft. She was young and innocent and charmed by the words of the scarred and hardened old general. Oh, the power of language.

I'll love you when you to go prison
for a starry-eyed idealism
But someday when we both get old
We'll wish we'd been more scared than bold