"We'll have the summer
He'll work and I'll work
We'll see each other at night
and on the weekends
Then he'll go to one school
and I'll go to another
Basically that will be it"
I flirted with Joel most of the afternoon. He was really appealing after the blink-182 concert last year, but I knew that was just the live music "I love this band" euphoria. I haven't dated anyone since Jimmy for my self-applied blinders. I felt like a dick that it continued later into the night, but also reassuring that it's not something wrong with me, and I'll be fine at college. There were more fireflies tonight than I've ever seen in my life. It was awing. That smokey smell in my hair under the bioluminescent twinkling, I realized there aren't bonfires or fireflies in the city. I saw Ferris Bueller's Day Off for the first time. I thought about fear and about not wasting time. I have to wake up at 3 am, but I go to college in two months. I always thought of summer as three solid months, but it's really not I guess. When I get back from Myrtle, there'll be pretty darn close to 60 days left. Then, BAM! Whole new world. Entirely new people. Yeah, I'll correspond with the old life, but I can't make it the same.
Sitting next to Joel at the beginning of the movie, I felt a hand scratching at my shoulder. It reminded me of sitting with Dave in the band stands. When Jeff came over, Dave put his arm around me. I told my mom about that, that it made me feel uncomfortable and special at the same time.
"I will miss you more than I've ever missed anyone."
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
50 Most Played
I recently introduced a new friend to my blahg, and so decided to look over some old posts. It's ridiculous how much my Top 50 Most Played has changed.
1. Lullabye
2. Hero
3. All My Days
4. Seaweed Sheets
5. Oceanwalk
6. Everlong
7. Skinny Love
8. Soco Amaretto Lime
9. I Gotta Feeling
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms
11. Disloyal Order of Buffaloes
12. Hum Hallelujah
13. Thirteen
14. Bonfire
15. She's Got You High
16. Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want
17. Vagabond
18. Us
19. Savior
20. Velouria
21. Sweet Disposition
22. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
23. Mushaboom
24. Fast Blood
25. You Make My Dreams
26. Passing Afternoon
27. Indian Moon
28. As Time Goes By
29. Up Up & Away
30. Samson
31. The Coal Hits the Fire
32. Here's Looking at You Kid
33. A Complex Thing
34. I Believe in a Thing Called Love
35. Poke
36. What Would Steve Do?
37. (If You Are Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
38. Man Overboard
39. Pursuit of Happiness (ft. MGMT & Ratatat)
40. Merry Happy
41. Queque'un M'a Dit
42. I'da Called You Woody, Joe
43. Song for You
44. Dirty
45. Blue Mind
46. Poison Oak
47. Thunder Road
48. 3rd Planet
49. The Fixer
50. Breakeven
Although, actually thinking about, it hasn't changed at all.
1. Lullabye
2. Hero
3. All My Days
4. Seaweed Sheets
5. Oceanwalk
6. Everlong
7. Skinny Love
8. Soco Amaretto Lime
9. I Gotta Feeling
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms
11. Disloyal Order of Buffaloes
12. Hum Hallelujah
13. Thirteen
14. Bonfire
15. She's Got You High
16. Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want
17. Vagabond
18. Us
19. Savior
20. Velouria
21. Sweet Disposition
22. The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
23. Mushaboom
24. Fast Blood
25. You Make My Dreams
26. Passing Afternoon
27. Indian Moon
28. As Time Goes By
29. Up Up & Away
30. Samson
31. The Coal Hits the Fire
32. Here's Looking at You Kid
33. A Complex Thing
34. I Believe in a Thing Called Love
35. Poke
36. What Would Steve Do?
37. (If You Are Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
38. Man Overboard
39. Pursuit of Happiness (ft. MGMT & Ratatat)
40. Merry Happy
41. Queque'un M'a Dit
42. I'da Called You Woody, Joe
43. Song for You
44. Dirty
45. Blue Mind
46. Poison Oak
47. Thunder Road
48. 3rd Planet
49. The Fixer
50. Breakeven
Although, actually thinking about, it hasn't changed at all.
Not Worth Reading
[quote: WD-40 Posted]
One time my grandma and I were weeding in the early spring and my spade hit something shiny in the dirt, which I thought was some kind of interesting metal artifact, so I dug it out with my hands.
IT WAS A BALL OF EARWIGS.
Seriously gross. It was the size of a baseball and the ones on the outside were all dead. I guess that's how they hibernate. I screamed and cried and maybe fainted. My grandma destroyed it with her shovel, because she's badass.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. Why do I keep reading this thread?!
Gettin' shit done, bitches! I have to make a list of things to do before I go to bed, or I won't wake up and won't do anything. I've already tackled two major projects, and I'm scared I'm going to run out of them before the end of June.
According to the internet, the Spirit Airlines strike has ended and I will be able to fly to Myrtle, not drive. Thank the lordless intertubes.
Perhaps my next thing to tackle will be organizing the shelves above the laundry room closet. Also to do is get my passport, make a driving playlist, and get some new underwear. It's a varied list. I also have to finish up my mural this summer on account of not living her anymore once fall strikes.
There is soooooooo much information on the internet. Like, conceivably my brain does not have a defined limit for learning, but sometimes I need to take a couple minutes to freak out and settle the kettle. Anything I want to know, I can spend less than 5 minutes rooting around the internet and I have source material right there. What the fuck?! This is amazing! What an incredible time to be alive! That and the free porn.
While cleaning out the family bookshelf, I found the MOST ADORABLE picture of my brother. I made a gurgling awwwwww noise for probably a good ten seconds. It was his little league picture from 2002. I still have another ten minutes or so I have to invest in the bookshelf. All of the things that weren't book are all piled on top of the stereo.
I want a vinyl copy of Led Zepplin IV. I don't think I would need another album ever if I got that. I've never seen a single Zepplin album on vinyl though, and that's the best of the best, so I may have to seek it out.
Summer time makes me happy! It's been kinda sucky weather, but from Friday to uh... maybe Saturday, I'm going to be straight swimming and eating mangoes and bein' in the sun and chlorine. That makes for some hot summer prep. Plus, getting a new bikini from the beachwear side of the family. SCORE!
Shout out to Jules!
So there's this boy I know whose ringtone is Smile by Uncle Kracker, and I feel like he must be a romantic to do that. It kinda makes me jealous?
One time my grandma and I were weeding in the early spring and my spade hit something shiny in the dirt, which I thought was some kind of interesting metal artifact, so I dug it out with my hands.
IT WAS A BALL OF EARWIGS.
Seriously gross. It was the size of a baseball and the ones on the outside were all dead. I guess that's how they hibernate. I screamed and cried and maybe fainted. My grandma destroyed it with her shovel, because she's badass.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. Why do I keep reading this thread?!
Gettin' shit done, bitches! I have to make a list of things to do before I go to bed, or I won't wake up and won't do anything. I've already tackled two major projects, and I'm scared I'm going to run out of them before the end of June.
According to the internet, the Spirit Airlines strike has ended and I will be able to fly to Myrtle, not drive. Thank the lordless intertubes.
Perhaps my next thing to tackle will be organizing the shelves above the laundry room closet. Also to do is get my passport, make a driving playlist, and get some new underwear. It's a varied list. I also have to finish up my mural this summer on account of not living her anymore once fall strikes.
There is soooooooo much information on the internet. Like, conceivably my brain does not have a defined limit for learning, but sometimes I need to take a couple minutes to freak out and settle the kettle. Anything I want to know, I can spend less than 5 minutes rooting around the internet and I have source material right there. What the fuck?! This is amazing! What an incredible time to be alive! That and the free porn.
While cleaning out the family bookshelf, I found the MOST ADORABLE picture of my brother. I made a gurgling awwwwww noise for probably a good ten seconds. It was his little league picture from 2002. I still have another ten minutes or so I have to invest in the bookshelf. All of the things that weren't book are all piled on top of the stereo.
I want a vinyl copy of Led Zepplin IV. I don't think I would need another album ever if I got that. I've never seen a single Zepplin album on vinyl though, and that's the best of the best, so I may have to seek it out.
Summer time makes me happy! It's been kinda sucky weather, but from Friday to uh... maybe Saturday, I'm going to be straight swimming and eating mangoes and bein' in the sun and chlorine. That makes for some hot summer prep. Plus, getting a new bikini from the beachwear side of the family. SCORE!
Shout out to Jules!
So there's this boy I know whose ringtone is Smile by Uncle Kracker, and I feel like he must be a romantic to do that. It kinda makes me jealous?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dreams
Last night, I had a really long and extensive dream that had me wake up with my heart pounding.
It started as a band trip during a winter out of a TV show the likes of Gilmore Girls. We were supposed to be playing for some far off college with Gothic architecture where Christmas lights were hung up in every tree and on most of the buildings. I was late getting onto the band bus, and realized the only seat left was with Abby. It was super awkies, but we didn't acknowledge it. She was talking to someone in the seat behind us, and I was talking to somebody ahead of me, despite the fact we were sitting in the front seat. At some point, I turned to look out the window and forgot who I'd been sitting with. We smiled at each other, and she said something that made me laugh, but we'd just arrived. Everybody hopped off the bus and waited around in the light dusting of snow, with rumors circulating that we were in the wrong place. Shortly afterward, D informed us that we would have to come back the next day, so he was taking us to a restaurant to get us fed in the meantime. We arrived in the city, and as is the nature of dreams, time sped up infinitely to the point where I was going to college in the same city, possibly in my junior year. I was running for some sort of political seat, but it was in the midst of a much larger political takeover where that seat happened to be one of the contested chairs. I went into a store to buy something, and the cashier was talking about threats of violence against candidates and the general public. It was unnerving, but I bought what I intended to come in for. I took my purchases to a barber shop, because I wanted to get my hair cut before debates two days ahead. Sitting down, I realized I'd bought Yugioh cards in a fundraising attempt. I'd spent $5 on cards, and was hoping to find a more valuable card to sell back. While I was looking through my stack, this little black boy sitting next to me started falling asleep on my shoulder, which hindered my sorting. I apologized when I woke him up, but he became interested in what I was doing. I gave him a few less expensive cards to look at, and I started to ask him about his classes. He told me that he had graduated 6 years ago, meaning college, and I startlingly realized he was much older than me. I was shocked that he had been so content to play with the Yugioh cards if he was older than me, at which point he leaned in very close and menaced the words, "Black Horse Troop," which was the name of the political party that was intending to sweep the elections by any means necessary. I was chilled with fear, and froze in my seat while he got up laughing out a back door. I sat and collected myself while waiting for my turn for a haircut. When I was called, the man was agonizingly slow, to the point I was paranoid he was working with them, since they knew where I was. I stood up and apologized for leaving so quickly, but I just about bolted out of the place when I realized it was close to noon, a time they had threatened to incite violence. The barber shop had been a part of a huge complex of stores, dorms, and classes, and I was walking through the covered portion to get to the exit that would take me to my dorm. As I got to the class exitway, there were people running and screaming past the door and into the complex. I stood in my place a few moments until I saw a window across the street shot out and shattered onto the sidewalk. Terrified, I ran with the crowd, but I gained my compsure and started making my way towards the second story to try to cross the street in the skywalk connecting this building and mine. The floor I got to was a mall, mostly abandoned by the time I got there. As I hurried to the skywalk exit, a half-dozen kids wearing black hoodies and bandanas burst into the mall ahead of me, and I couldn't move. I realized they were giggling and trying to catch their breath, and one of the kids made it clear to me they weren't with the opposition, they just wanted to smash in some windows and cause mayhem in the chaos. Relieved, I started walking with them away from the skywalk and further into the mall, when the door behind us was shot out and a kid next to me was shot. Panic erupted and I fell into a display as the kids mobbed past me. We ran to the stairwell, but panic gates had been erected across it. We pleaded with the person who had just locked up, but they ran away. The kids darted away further into the mall, but I hid between the door and the gate, realizing that the corridor was also a freight elevator. The floor that I came out onto housed the corporate offices for the mall, and also the dorms for those who worked in the mall. The first door on my left was bustling with people who were seemingly unaware of the terror on the streets. I made a statement to the effect they should take cover, but it was replied that they were crisis management and doing their best to coordinate the rest of the building. I left and found my way to the housing, where I knew my was temporarily living to help install telephone wiring in the newest section. I hugged him, and started prepping the room for a seige, when I thought I heard Jeff's voice a few rooms over. I crept out to see, and it was him with his roommate. I was so relieved, our hug seemed to last forever, but nearby gunfire sounded through the hall, so I had to leave. He shut the door as I left, and that race from his dorm to my dad's was terrifying. I slammed our door shut just as I heard shots in the crisis management room. The doors were very flimsy, so we laid down in the closet to avoid random fire, at which point I woke up.
It started as a band trip during a winter out of a TV show the likes of Gilmore Girls. We were supposed to be playing for some far off college with Gothic architecture where Christmas lights were hung up in every tree and on most of the buildings. I was late getting onto the band bus, and realized the only seat left was with Abby. It was super awkies, but we didn't acknowledge it. She was talking to someone in the seat behind us, and I was talking to somebody ahead of me, despite the fact we were sitting in the front seat. At some point, I turned to look out the window and forgot who I'd been sitting with. We smiled at each other, and she said something that made me laugh, but we'd just arrived. Everybody hopped off the bus and waited around in the light dusting of snow, with rumors circulating that we were in the wrong place. Shortly afterward, D informed us that we would have to come back the next day, so he was taking us to a restaurant to get us fed in the meantime. We arrived in the city, and as is the nature of dreams, time sped up infinitely to the point where I was going to college in the same city, possibly in my junior year. I was running for some sort of political seat, but it was in the midst of a much larger political takeover where that seat happened to be one of the contested chairs. I went into a store to buy something, and the cashier was talking about threats of violence against candidates and the general public. It was unnerving, but I bought what I intended to come in for. I took my purchases to a barber shop, because I wanted to get my hair cut before debates two days ahead. Sitting down, I realized I'd bought Yugioh cards in a fundraising attempt. I'd spent $5 on cards, and was hoping to find a more valuable card to sell back. While I was looking through my stack, this little black boy sitting next to me started falling asleep on my shoulder, which hindered my sorting. I apologized when I woke him up, but he became interested in what I was doing. I gave him a few less expensive cards to look at, and I started to ask him about his classes. He told me that he had graduated 6 years ago, meaning college, and I startlingly realized he was much older than me. I was shocked that he had been so content to play with the Yugioh cards if he was older than me, at which point he leaned in very close and menaced the words, "Black Horse Troop," which was the name of the political party that was intending to sweep the elections by any means necessary. I was chilled with fear, and froze in my seat while he got up laughing out a back door. I sat and collected myself while waiting for my turn for a haircut. When I was called, the man was agonizingly slow, to the point I was paranoid he was working with them, since they knew where I was. I stood up and apologized for leaving so quickly, but I just about bolted out of the place when I realized it was close to noon, a time they had threatened to incite violence. The barber shop had been a part of a huge complex of stores, dorms, and classes, and I was walking through the covered portion to get to the exit that would take me to my dorm. As I got to the class exitway, there were people running and screaming past the door and into the complex. I stood in my place a few moments until I saw a window across the street shot out and shattered onto the sidewalk. Terrified, I ran with the crowd, but I gained my compsure and started making my way towards the second story to try to cross the street in the skywalk connecting this building and mine. The floor I got to was a mall, mostly abandoned by the time I got there. As I hurried to the skywalk exit, a half-dozen kids wearing black hoodies and bandanas burst into the mall ahead of me, and I couldn't move. I realized they were giggling and trying to catch their breath, and one of the kids made it clear to me they weren't with the opposition, they just wanted to smash in some windows and cause mayhem in the chaos. Relieved, I started walking with them away from the skywalk and further into the mall, when the door behind us was shot out and a kid next to me was shot. Panic erupted and I fell into a display as the kids mobbed past me. We ran to the stairwell, but panic gates had been erected across it. We pleaded with the person who had just locked up, but they ran away. The kids darted away further into the mall, but I hid between the door and the gate, realizing that the corridor was also a freight elevator. The floor that I came out onto housed the corporate offices for the mall, and also the dorms for those who worked in the mall. The first door on my left was bustling with people who were seemingly unaware of the terror on the streets. I made a statement to the effect they should take cover, but it was replied that they were crisis management and doing their best to coordinate the rest of the building. I left and found my way to the housing, where I knew my was temporarily living to help install telephone wiring in the newest section. I hugged him, and started prepping the room for a seige, when I thought I heard Jeff's voice a few rooms over. I crept out to see, and it was him with his roommate. I was so relieved, our hug seemed to last forever, but nearby gunfire sounded through the hall, so I had to leave. He shut the door as I left, and that race from his dorm to my dad's was terrifying. I slammed our door shut just as I heard shots in the crisis management room. The doors were very flimsy, so we laid down in the closet to avoid random fire, at which point I woke up.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Bad Habit
"And I lie down and remember you loved me here, and I tear up. And I remember when you kissed me despite my tears, and the tears roll across my cheek and perch upon the edge of my ears, and I remember when you kissed my ears and told me beautiful and temporary truths.
I feel strange."
I wasn't immediately sure who this was about.
Last night's walk was not a good idea, except getting home and playing with Cabot in the driveway. I decided once again that I make terrible decisions to the point of being a hazard. I obviously learned nothing being with Dave or Jimmy, and for all my self-esteem, I have really shitty self-worth. On a brighter note, fireflies are awesome and last night was pleasant.
I feel strange."
I wasn't immediately sure who this was about.
Last night's walk was not a good idea, except getting home and playing with Cabot in the driveway. I decided once again that I make terrible decisions to the point of being a hazard. I obviously learned nothing being with Dave or Jimmy, and for all my self-esteem, I have really shitty self-worth. On a brighter note, fireflies are awesome and last night was pleasant.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thinking
Money has a way of making one think, and tonight I intend to go walking for the first time since Thursday.
I'm On Fire
Woah.
These past few days have left me at a loss for words. Thank you notes to Rock and Doc are summarized as, "I'm speechless and grateful." Even writing this blog there's not much I can drag up to say. It's a little bit overwhelming. My whole future changed overnight.
Waiting in line for graduation, Mr. L told me that this was a sign. He knows I float by in classes, and that this incredible opportunity isn't meant for somebody who accepts the minimum. I don't really believe in signs, but I do believe in advice, and he's right. Mr. L said in those difficult moments of "to do or not to do," I should imagine his bearded Jiminy Cricket face on my shoulder.
In congratulating me, several people mentioned that I deserve it. I don't necessarily feel undeserving, but it's an outrageously generous gift for only having written three essays. Financial need was the most heavily weighted factor in determining the recipient. Am I simply the poorest applicant, or did my academics weight me above somebody less fortunate? My dad wanted to know how many people applied for it. I don't know of anyone else.
Mrs. G. and my dad both asked where am I transferring to, but I don't think that's going to happen. Admittedly, when it came to application time, I didn't even look at colleges over $25,000 a year. Over the weekend, I threw out my booklets from NYU and BU.
By great coincidence with graduation, my cousin is getting a new car, and I'll be receiving her '91 Nissan Maxima as a joint grad gift from my dad and my uncle Mike. It was tentative for a while, but after the awards night, my dad said it was a definite. I'll have to get a job to pay for gas, but I'm still terrified of driving, so I feel this will mostly exist so I can pay to get myself to work.
These past few days have left me at a loss for words. Thank you notes to Rock and Doc are summarized as, "I'm speechless and grateful." Even writing this blog there's not much I can drag up to say. It's a little bit overwhelming. My whole future changed overnight.
Waiting in line for graduation, Mr. L told me that this was a sign. He knows I float by in classes, and that this incredible opportunity isn't meant for somebody who accepts the minimum. I don't really believe in signs, but I do believe in advice, and he's right. Mr. L said in those difficult moments of "to do or not to do," I should imagine his bearded Jiminy Cricket face on my shoulder.
In congratulating me, several people mentioned that I deserve it. I don't necessarily feel undeserving, but it's an outrageously generous gift for only having written three essays. Financial need was the most heavily weighted factor in determining the recipient. Am I simply the poorest applicant, or did my academics weight me above somebody less fortunate? My dad wanted to know how many people applied for it. I don't know of anyone else.
Mrs. G. and my dad both asked where am I transferring to, but I don't think that's going to happen. Admittedly, when it came to application time, I didn't even look at colleges over $25,000 a year. Over the weekend, I threw out my booklets from NYU and BU.
By great coincidence with graduation, my cousin is getting a new car, and I'll be receiving her '91 Nissan Maxima as a joint grad gift from my dad and my uncle Mike. It was tentative for a while, but after the awards night, my dad said it was a definite. I'll have to get a job to pay for gas, but I'm still terrified of driving, so I feel this will mostly exist so I can pay to get myself to work.
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