I'm so mean to my mom. I speak with her as I speak with everyone else, truthfully and very bluntly. She asked me if I would spend the night at her house when I'm home for the weekend. I said, "No." She asked me why. I told her that if I'm only going to be home for two nights, I want to spend them in "my bed" in "my room," and that her house didn't even have a room for me. She immediately said her goodbyes and hung up. Well, I knew I fucked up.
My mom likes to think that I don't like being at her house "because it's a shithole" or "I don't have my own room." Her old place was a shithole. This one is not. It's not about having "a room." It's that no room will ever be my room like the current one is.
The truth is, I don't like spending time there because there is nothing to do except watch TV or go on the internet, and I hate to spend my time watching a screen. When I suggest going to the park or for a walk, she will walk the minimum distance, and we go home. She's not fun to talk to. She doesn't know anything about my life. Occasionally, we play cards. Being home, I want to spend my limited time doing everything I can't here. I want to spend no time watching TV.
She texted me back, complaining that she doesn't make a lot of money, but that next time, she'll try to get a three bedroom. That's fiscally irresponsible. I'm 18. I'm never going to live with her again. If I visit, I'll take the couch.
I responded:
"Mom, it's not about the room. This dorm is "my room" and "I live here," but the room at dad's is simply where I've been forever, and may possibly never be again. No where will ever take its place. I'll definitely visit you, but just not spend the night."
She responded:
"I hate my life and hurt more then you know.u"
Fuck.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
New York, New York
- I fell asleep on the bus after doing calc made my head hurt
- I figured out the Streets v. Ave before Steve had to tell me
- But I used the sun, so late night, had no idea
- Avenues suck
- They are so damn long
- I saw "Goodburger: Home of the Goodburger" and took a picture
- I ate a cupcake that was actually a cupcake shaped cake
- We ate at a store that exclusively sells macaroni
- New York has sooooo many stores
- How do people even have time to buy all this stuff?!
- We went to Theodore Roosevelt's birth place
- We went to a store called "Alphabets"
- It was delightful
- New York is different from Philadelphia in ways I never imagined
- NYU has fewer black kids than I expected
- However, we met one of the few other ones while in a park together
- NYU has an unbelievably good business school?!
- I rode the NYC subway system
- There was a green market
- I wanted vegetables :(
- I now feel capable of up and going wherever I please
- Went went to "the" Macy's that has 9 stories and wooden escalators
- I had no idea wooden escalators had ever existed
- Steve's workplace is very "unique"
- I want to eat all of the soaps there
- Put them right in my mouth
- The couple next to me on the bus was SUPER cute
- What with their subtle hand-holding
- I thought a lot while fitfully napping on the way back
- I was very scared I would not make the subway
- Because I got into Philly at 11:40
- And the subways close at 12
- I caught the last Northbound train
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saying Goodbye to You
and Goodmorning to the Sun
Today, math blew my mind. It was so pretty sitting on my white sheet of paper, and I thought about its visual aesthetics, then about its purity in expressing the universe. Humans are currently capable of expressing just about anything they want in mathematical notation, but I wonder if there is a more efficient, currently undiscovered symbol language.
I had a lengthy argument over the weekend about the limitations of the written word or its verbal counterparts. The kid I was talking to is a secondary ed English major who claims words are only as limited as the human mind. While a nice little phrase, I can make up any number of words describing my most intimate feelings, but there will be no way to define that word in a way that someone else will definitively understand.
Simply put, there are emotionally charged sounds humans are incapable of making, which is partially where music comes in, though that is also limited in its subjectivity. If I were smart enough, I could write a poem more beautifully in math than I could in the written word. If I spoke with all painful inflection and tone, that can be expressed as a series of sound waves. That style of reading doesn't come across when the words are simply black on white.
Today, math blew my mind. It was so pretty sitting on my white sheet of paper, and I thought about its visual aesthetics, then about its purity in expressing the universe. Humans are currently capable of expressing just about anything they want in mathematical notation, but I wonder if there is a more efficient, currently undiscovered symbol language.
I had a lengthy argument over the weekend about the limitations of the written word or its verbal counterparts. The kid I was talking to is a secondary ed English major who claims words are only as limited as the human mind. While a nice little phrase, I can make up any number of words describing my most intimate feelings, but there will be no way to define that word in a way that someone else will definitively understand.
Simply put, there are emotionally charged sounds humans are incapable of making, which is partially where music comes in, though that is also limited in its subjectivity. If I were smart enough, I could write a poem more beautifully in math than I could in the written word. If I spoke with all painful inflection and tone, that can be expressed as a series of sound waves. That style of reading doesn't come across when the words are simply black on white.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I Fucked It Up
My favorite song where your voice sounds best.
(I don't sing)
I've been inquiring how to apply for an intra-university transfer to the architecture program. It's a union of form and function, math, science, and art. My only problem is that I don't know what exactly an architect does once they get their masters....
Summertime
(when the livin's easy)
Steve G. and I saw the Social Network tonight. It was very well done, and the theater near Drexel's campus was the Digital Logic Projectors or whatever by Texas Instruments, so it was the sharpest thing I'd ever seen in theaters. We mosey'd about, stopping by Wawa. The Wawa smell hit me hard, because I'd missed it so much. Tonight was the first time since the first week I had legitimate homesickness. Steve talked about when he came home and visited his cats. I almost cried thinking about how I'll probably cry when I get into my bed and start thinking. "I don't live here anymore." I'll think about summer and impossibilities and about being a dumb teenage girl who can't even choose a major. I lost Steve's firefly running from the subway stop in the rain.
Frozen Hair Hot Tub
(M&M rainbow)
It's so weird when parents do stuff together. Neither of my parents came out to my things. My mom saw the movie "Drumline" and said, "I finally learned what you've been doing all these years!" I really wanted my dad to be at the band senior night, but when I called, he said he didn't want to go. Then they left out that I was a section leader on my bio sheet, but left in that my favorite thing about band were the freshmen, which was more important. I don't ever want to do that to Chloe spawn. I don't believe in always.
"It's okay to cry in front of your roommate"
I've never been mad enough to scream.
I've never been passionate enough to hold on tighter.
I've never loved enough to refuse to say goodbye.
and I'm sorry.
(I don't sing)
I've been inquiring how to apply for an intra-university transfer to the architecture program. It's a union of form and function, math, science, and art. My only problem is that I don't know what exactly an architect does once they get their masters....
Summertime
(when the livin's easy)
Steve G. and I saw the Social Network tonight. It was very well done, and the theater near Drexel's campus was the Digital Logic Projectors or whatever by Texas Instruments, so it was the sharpest thing I'd ever seen in theaters. We mosey'd about, stopping by Wawa. The Wawa smell hit me hard, because I'd missed it so much. Tonight was the first time since the first week I had legitimate homesickness. Steve talked about when he came home and visited his cats. I almost cried thinking about how I'll probably cry when I get into my bed and start thinking. "I don't live here anymore." I'll think about summer and impossibilities and about being a dumb teenage girl who can't even choose a major. I lost Steve's firefly running from the subway stop in the rain.
Frozen Hair Hot Tub
(M&M rainbow)
It's so weird when parents do stuff together. Neither of my parents came out to my things. My mom saw the movie "Drumline" and said, "I finally learned what you've been doing all these years!" I really wanted my dad to be at the band senior night, but when I called, he said he didn't want to go. Then they left out that I was a section leader on my bio sheet, but left in that my favorite thing about band were the freshmen, which was more important. I don't ever want to do that to Chloe spawn. I don't believe in always.
"It's okay to cry in front of your roommate"
I've never been mad enough to scream.
I've never been passionate enough to hold on tighter.
I've never loved enough to refuse to say goodbye.
and I'm sorry.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Crazy Weekend!
Friday Night:
After band, T. Pat and I caught dinner at J&H. We ran into Lutz and made a little drumline table, but that also meant conversation was almost exclusively drum related. This was also prompted by the fact that our instructor had just about given us a "pep talk," at the end of practice, but still, not my bag. When Lutz finished, T. Pat saw Tyler and called him over, so the conversation continued while he was eating. Everyone finished their meals, but we kept talking until around 8. T. Pat offered to give me a ride back to 1300. While I'd been in a car at Penn State, it felt like I hadn't been in one for much longer, and it was a special occasion. I don't know if he tried to scare me, because I said I was fearless, but if he always drives like that, I will never again accept his offer. After that, I got all gussied up to hang out with Kira and maybe catch a party. She'd watched the Phillies' game with Brenna, and they were a lil' drunk. Brenna's friend Bob was there, and we eventually all left to try and find her other friend from high school "H-Bomber" aka "Haley." I may've partaken in a little illicit drug usage, and so the entire evening felt like being an outside observer. It was lovely. I ate a bowl of Easy Mac, a single pizza roll, and a bag of popcorn. The Jew Frat was selling pancakes 2 for $1, so I treated Kira and myself. We wandered the streets just off campus, trying to find this girl, then looked for a party. I wasn't too interested in finding one, but I knew exactly how James Joyce felt to interpret Ulysses as the adventures of a drunken wanderer. Eventually stopping at 7-11, I got a chocolate cake-brownie and a bag of Lays, and marveled that the salty-sweet duality was the greatest invention of man. At one point, Kira held a Tasty-Cake and a half eaten chip in her hand, the symbol of excellence. I wound up spending the night at their place, and woke up just in time to welcome my mom to Temple.
Saturday:
Mom dropped off Jack and Jeremiah around noon and very promptly left. Even though I knew Jack didn't want to go to a museum, I'd been relying on Mom's badgering and money to get us to one anyway. With all of my potential plans destroyed, and the boys with ~$8 spending money between them, we went to the Wagner Free Institute of Science. It was closed. Our free activity alternative was for them to smoke a bit, and all three of us to take a nap. Good stuff. They smoked again before the a cappella concert (which was amazing!), and then we went to Wendy's where I got them food. Ethan escorted us to Mike's for the fancy band party. I was all fancy hoochie, forgetting how short my tuxedo dress is and wearing high heels. My fake pearls were ballin', though I didn't know how I felt about wearing them out to 18th St. The party was fantastic. Drum major Jeremiah was upset that I'd brought another, significantly underage, Jeremiah, but his fancy suit was possibly the most entertaining thing of the night, so I couldn't take him seriously. I was having a great time. It was kinda a sausage fest, and guys were talkin' to me left and right, but Jack and Jer were not feelin' the "band party thing," and they'd forgotten their bowls in the dorm. After much scrabbling for a piece, rolling papers, an apple, or a pen for a water bong, I guy volunteered to walk to his house next door in the service of my brother. However, during that time, my brother was brought to the attention of some other stoners who they began talking to, and were eventually invited to hang out with. Admittedly, one of them was trying to get with me, which I think might've been the reason for the invite, but hey, let's go to the hood and hang. I walked there in my high heels, over broken sidewalk and plywood, eventually taking off my heels despite the broken glass shimmering like starlight. Once we got there, there were a number of illegal activities taking place, with Jack and Jer eventually playing Mario Smash Brothers Brawl with the guys (one of whom was on '08 GV Grad?!), while I watched and listened to the admittedly interesting stories of this guy who managed to get closer to me every time he stood up and sat back down. I don't think he understands what kind of a cock-block a younger brother is, and I know he didn't know about my loyalties not to, but I couldn't hide that physically, I was totally good for it. Luckily, we all just sorta went to bed afterward, and when I woke up on a bean bag chair the next morning, I was a little unsure of where I was.
Sunday:
One of the guys who woke up early enough to see us off gave me a pair of socks to walk home in. It was exceptionally generous, and he acknowledged that it would only add to "the fake walk of shame." So I got J&H with Jack and Jer in my high heels and hoochie dress. I got the worst look from some bitch, and I was all, "That's right: 24/7 Sexy." We all elected for another nap, with me eventually getting them on the 5:23 to Claymont. Fortunately, I'm super duper smart and know how to use trains and shit, because I missed the first one because we were standing on the Outbound tracks instead of local, me unaware that you have to go through Center City first... They did get on the 6:23. I'm glad that my brother served as the guinea pig instead of me, because I have to catch a train home next Friday. Anyways, Kira invited me to J&H after that. She told me about her shitty Saturday night/Sunday morning another ridiculous story about the frequently occurring coincidence of people in her life knowing other people in her life. After that, we walked down to Shusterman Hall so I could add to my sketch of it, I could have an excuse to invite Chase over, and she could finally meet him. Unfortunately, after Josh Hopkins passed by, we got into a string of GV name dropping, otherwise, the conversation was good. Kira left to get ice cream and finish cleaning up before her roommates got back, so Chase and I headed back to my dorm to talk. It was relieving to find that neither of us wants a relationship at this point, and also good to finally acknowledge it. After Chase left, Tina and I shared our weekend updates and watched Jackass together.
After band, T. Pat and I caught dinner at J&H. We ran into Lutz and made a little drumline table, but that also meant conversation was almost exclusively drum related. This was also prompted by the fact that our instructor had just about given us a "pep talk," at the end of practice, but still, not my bag. When Lutz finished, T. Pat saw Tyler and called him over, so the conversation continued while he was eating. Everyone finished their meals, but we kept talking until around 8. T. Pat offered to give me a ride back to 1300. While I'd been in a car at Penn State, it felt like I hadn't been in one for much longer, and it was a special occasion. I don't know if he tried to scare me, because I said I was fearless, but if he always drives like that, I will never again accept his offer. After that, I got all gussied up to hang out with Kira and maybe catch a party. She'd watched the Phillies' game with Brenna, and they were a lil' drunk. Brenna's friend Bob was there, and we eventually all left to try and find her other friend from high school "H-Bomber" aka "Haley." I may've partaken in a little illicit drug usage, and so the entire evening felt like being an outside observer. It was lovely. I ate a bowl of Easy Mac, a single pizza roll, and a bag of popcorn. The Jew Frat was selling pancakes 2 for $1, so I treated Kira and myself. We wandered the streets just off campus, trying to find this girl, then looked for a party. I wasn't too interested in finding one, but I knew exactly how James Joyce felt to interpret Ulysses as the adventures of a drunken wanderer. Eventually stopping at 7-11, I got a chocolate cake-brownie and a bag of Lays, and marveled that the salty-sweet duality was the greatest invention of man. At one point, Kira held a Tasty-Cake and a half eaten chip in her hand, the symbol of excellence. I wound up spending the night at their place, and woke up just in time to welcome my mom to Temple.
Saturday:
Mom dropped off Jack and Jeremiah around noon and very promptly left. Even though I knew Jack didn't want to go to a museum, I'd been relying on Mom's badgering and money to get us to one anyway. With all of my potential plans destroyed, and the boys with ~$8 spending money between them, we went to the Wagner Free Institute of Science. It was closed. Our free activity alternative was for them to smoke a bit, and all three of us to take a nap. Good stuff. They smoked again before the a cappella concert (which was amazing!), and then we went to Wendy's where I got them food. Ethan escorted us to Mike's for the fancy band party. I was all fancy hoochie, forgetting how short my tuxedo dress is and wearing high heels. My fake pearls were ballin', though I didn't know how I felt about wearing them out to 18th St. The party was fantastic. Drum major Jeremiah was upset that I'd brought another, significantly underage, Jeremiah, but his fancy suit was possibly the most entertaining thing of the night, so I couldn't take him seriously. I was having a great time. It was kinda a sausage fest, and guys were talkin' to me left and right, but Jack and Jer were not feelin' the "band party thing," and they'd forgotten their bowls in the dorm. After much scrabbling for a piece, rolling papers, an apple, or a pen for a water bong, I guy volunteered to walk to his house next door in the service of my brother. However, during that time, my brother was brought to the attention of some other stoners who they began talking to, and were eventually invited to hang out with. Admittedly, one of them was trying to get with me, which I think might've been the reason for the invite, but hey, let's go to the hood and hang. I walked there in my high heels, over broken sidewalk and plywood, eventually taking off my heels despite the broken glass shimmering like starlight. Once we got there, there were a number of illegal activities taking place, with Jack and Jer eventually playing Mario Smash Brothers Brawl with the guys (one of whom was on '08 GV Grad?!), while I watched and listened to the admittedly interesting stories of this guy who managed to get closer to me every time he stood up and sat back down. I don't think he understands what kind of a cock-block a younger brother is, and I know he didn't know about my loyalties not to, but I couldn't hide that physically, I was totally good for it. Luckily, we all just sorta went to bed afterward, and when I woke up on a bean bag chair the next morning, I was a little unsure of where I was.
Sunday:
One of the guys who woke up early enough to see us off gave me a pair of socks to walk home in. It was exceptionally generous, and he acknowledged that it would only add to "the fake walk of shame." So I got J&H with Jack and Jer in my high heels and hoochie dress. I got the worst look from some bitch, and I was all, "That's right: 24/7 Sexy." We all elected for another nap, with me eventually getting them on the 5:23 to Claymont. Fortunately, I'm super duper smart and know how to use trains and shit, because I missed the first one because we were standing on the Outbound tracks instead of local, me unaware that you have to go through Center City first... They did get on the 6:23. I'm glad that my brother served as the guinea pig instead of me, because I have to catch a train home next Friday. Anyways, Kira invited me to J&H after that. She told me about her shitty Saturday night/Sunday morning another ridiculous story about the frequently occurring coincidence of people in her life knowing other people in her life. After that, we walked down to Shusterman Hall so I could add to my sketch of it, I could have an excuse to invite Chase over, and she could finally meet him. Unfortunately, after Josh Hopkins passed by, we got into a string of GV name dropping, otherwise, the conversation was good. Kira left to get ice cream and finish cleaning up before her roommates got back, so Chase and I headed back to my dorm to talk. It was relieving to find that neither of us wants a relationship at this point, and also good to finally acknowledge it. After Chase left, Tina and I shared our weekend updates and watched Jackass together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)