I keep forgetting

I slept, and when I woke up, I remembered and the hurt was new.

I walked down Rodman, through River Road Park, where I swung and sat on the "vicious Barney, " to the Governor Printz, to the Cauffiel House, across the road to the Blackrock Center, into Bellevue, across the oval track, across Marsh, into Rockwood, and into the creek where my hands were too frozen to skip rocks like we did at the Grist Mill. Only one guy in a pick up truck offered me a ride. It took so long to get warm. It's the same walk I took the day before the night I broke up with JoeKat, but backwards, from the creek, home, from home to the creek. That one ended with me not going to break up with him, but the hurt came crashing back that night.

He removed me from his interests.

"Hugs and Sympathies"

My last text to him of any importance:

"Please, if you are awake, tell me to stop waiting. If you are asleep, please tell me my fear is unfounded when you wake up or see me. :\"
-Chloe, on Thursday

I knew what was going to happen when he said, "Let's go over here." I almost lost my virginity Saturday, and given a decent chance would've in the next two weeks. But he didn't want me to be a "fuck and chuck," which at least is considerate. I don't know when or why he stopped loving me, but I don't know how it began either. Cliches like, "you're awesome," "you don't need him," "he's an idiot," and "there are other guys," aren't really helpful. I know I'm awesome, independent, and will find someone else to love me, but he's also not an idiot or stupid for this. All of his actions are rationally justifiable, but emotion has a way of making that insignificant. I'm going to miss him and the adorable things we did together, so I'll be sad for a while.

I'm OK (just making sure you know)

I've had to see a lot of myself I assumed I wouldn't have to for a while, and I've fought my beliefs and seen I am comfortable in myself. I don't mean to shut anyone out or cause worry with my silence, but I finally feel like I have something personal and worth keeping to myself and finally mine.

Distance

How far do you it think it is to reach from the back seat while not buckled in to the foot space of the passenger seat? Maybe 3-4 feet? It could probably be done without taking your bum off the seat. What if your back was facing the windshield? That's still pretty close I think, especially if you can twist. Trisha and I tried acting it out in the middle of the hall today to make a guesstimate. We decided definitely within arm's reach. That's close.

Talking

I haven't talked to anyone in so long. I miss Sarah and Abby, and this week has been too hectic to talk to Trisha just because of circumstance. What I need to say I can't to Matt, and what I want to say feels almost too personal for me to share it because I feel stupid and childish. My brother had friends over all weekend, and he assumes things I guess, but I haven't told him anything recently either. Friday I was going to go all girl talk and what not, and by Saturday I realized I needed it a lot sooner than I thought. Of course it's about Dave, and I don't want to ramble, but this time it's also about me. I felt so much stronger and secure in myself before. I am still strong, it just hurts more to make sure I stay me.

Girl Pockets

What did you find in your pocket?
-Dave

Hahahaha! Totally forgot! That's hilarious! Keep that to yourself hahaha!
-Dave