Lover I Don't Have to Love

Today, after the dress fitting, I purchased fake pearls and "fuck me heels." The dress is so long that the heels won't be visible during prom, but I'll definitely be using them again. In anticipation of May, I've taken steps to get a little fit, to be a little sexier, and I see the results. They're nice. But I've been reconsidering my motive. Feminine appeal doesn't matter much if there's no reciprocated lust, and I've gotten in an awful rut of boys sans sex drives.

The Week Before Christmas

Some late night ago, I thought very vividly of the balls of light suspended in the trees at Brinton Lake around Christmas time. I got milk at Wawa, because the pending snowstorm had depleted the one on 202. Sitting in the car afterward, my eyes got watery, and the lights became like halos on fuzzy silhouettes. Everything else was closed, and no one was on the road. I don't remember singing. It wasn't the ocasion, but it was like something out of a movie.

Retrospectively, I can see where I was wrong.

Tonight was the HiQ banquet.
States are next Friday.
I'm so glad that this year is over.
I hated the team this year.
Except for Doc and Rock,
of course.

Windows and What's Outside

Old fashioned sink, checkered table cloth in farmhouse kitchen.

Whenever I read Organic Gardening magazine, it makes me want to raise chickens or a garden or do something productive, but I hardly ever go back in the garden except to look at how things are growing. Despite my lack of direct involvement, on those days when evening sunlight filters through the maple and the walnut, I look at the barn and a barn cat, maybe the field and fuzzy dandelions, and I'm grateful for my upbringing. I wash my dishes by hand and have done so since I was eleven. I walk. I sometimes hang laundry out to dry. My dad would push me on the tire swing. He built us a tree house and hung up a hammock. Now I wonder if I will have a window in my dorm.

Being a little hooligan with Katie, I remember an afternoon spent on the playground of Mt. Pleasant Elementary. We swore up and down we were of the wrong time, meant to grow up in the sixties and be hippies. I'll stand by the first statement. The fourth dimension has me wrongly placed. Admittedly, I enjoy each day. I love Wikipedia. The internet is a life-changing invention, but I should've been a teen in the 1970s. I should've been friends with my dad and the kids of the woods. My music is there. My style. My aversion to pure convenience.

But I'll live.

"I Like Your Sundress"

Today, volunteering at the art show, I thought about Clayton Park. Kate and sledding. Kate and Jeff and Stasi and sledding. Matt and pictures. Kacey texting me when I was walking off the hurt.

Every time I think about putting Bright Eyes quotes here, I know Nicki will notice.

Today went by fast. I learned.

"little babies, dreaming their little baby dreams..."

The Moth is beautiful. Straight up. The stories of origins, experiences that shaped lives and provided insight, it's an intimate sort of personal.

"...God will look over them, even when I do not."