Been Awake Since 7:41AM

After tonight's text purge, I noticed the last time posted in my secret blog was September 4th of 2010. I know that capturing the actual "text" of a text is the essence, and that it's impractical to leave the electronic message on one's phone, but there is still something disconcerting about deleting the originals.

This weekend was perfect in nearly every way. There is a doodle summary on its way, but I felt so inelegant and unfeminine at nearly every turn. When I encounter guys that I like, I assume that there's no way a relationship could work out, whether personal or circumstantial reasons. It's almost chronic at this point, especially as I've been surrounded by guys in various states of infatuation. I might start wearing make up. I might become a little bit less me (independent) and a little more me (soft and accepting).

Tonight, I felt that I had a purpose and place in life; I could see for a moment what others see in me.

I don't know what I want, but it is the first time in a long time, in a very long time relative to the changes in my life, that I feel free.

The Person I Want to Be

The person that I want to be drinks a lot of lemonade and has a hammock and a garden. The person that I want to be makes eye contact and smiles at strangers on the street. The person I want to be doesn't get drunk. The person that I want to be has skydived and lived to tell the tale. The person that I want to be makes phone calls instead of texts. The person I want to be is in the inner circle of great minds, but not the spotlight. The person I want to be would make 7th grade Chloe uneasy, but proud. The person I want to be sends cards for friends' birthdays. The person I want to be has journals and binders and sketchbooks of good ideas. The person I want to be lives with a lot of sunshine and fresh air. The person I want to be doesn't drive a lot. The person I want to be laughs a lot and spends time with children. The person I want to be can't stop smiling. The person I want to be doesn't always know what's right and doesn't always do what's best, but she owns up to her mistakes and is sincerely acting for the best end. The person I want to be loves without fear. The person I want to be reads Catch-22 and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close every so often. The person I want to be is crafty. The person I want to be is a little bit resilient. The person I want to be has a big bathtub. The person I want to be keeps a journal instead of a blog. The person I want to be is somebody I've almost become. The person I want to be is always improving.

Heaven on Earth

The name of the Facebook album was "Heaven on Earth," the album that summed up my day in the garden and the dirt with children and the love and discovery and awe. It's my life now, several days a week, and there's a giant quarter block garden in my future.

I'm with people who can avoid yuppie-dom by doing all of their schemes, and I've become their actualizer, the life coach who makes it happen. It's an influential role, even if not in the spotlight. I've always pegged myself on the inner-circle of excellence, but not the star. I love them. I love that role.

All I can scream and whisper or think and speak is thank you thank you. This is the proverbial "good," and the best most perfect movie screen weekend. Stay in my life. Stay in my life.