Stream of Consciousness: Overwhelmed

oh and i'm shaking and weeping not for the past in sadness but truth and beauty and fragility and that my future will repeat the past and is doomed to repeat and I love you and him so much and there's so much and I can't hold on the desk isn't solid and breathing out making everything tighter and it's so full and so loud and so quiet and the light is flashing and tears are blurring and everything is beautiful and nothing hurt and I wanted them to leave before you did and it's slipping and everything's slipping but into something cool and calm and I enjoy the ride and the loss and the shaking and somber and I didn't turn on the light and I've cried so much on this desk and there's soot on my face and my hair and my clothes and always in my hair and Jimmy can smell it and I wonder if they wonder and it was so perfect and content and this is what it should be and we are the last and it's not coming out right and I can't force it out and it's all building up and silent and terrible and so much shaking and god, it was so beautiful it made me cry and overwhelming and I cannot touch him and I cannot touch him and I will not touch him and he will not see me and I am scared to see him and I'm scared for his life and I'm scared for letting them down and seeing them hurt. So much love and truth and beauty. It's not enough, this isn't helping. I cannot be Viv. I cannot give them so much happiness. They're speaking through me because they shaped me because I didn't have a choice, but I did and I love who I am I love who I am I love who I am you are in opposition to everything we stand for. You are ugliness and lies and stupidity and fuck fuck fuck fuck so much anger for your everything and for making fun of him and not standing up for him, but I wouldn't associate myself with him, he's weird. Augh. Please please please let me let me let me get what I want Viv is Summer and I love summer and I am alive in the summer and I made him alive and I weep and breathe and cry and take in the air and there are tears and I exhale. So much love, it's overwhelming. So much time and memory. I felt beautiful today and I'm going extinct.