Notes I Wrote

This is my journal entry describing my feelings and memories about JoeKat post break up. It is dated Friday, May 23rd, 2006.


"Alright, magic for real?"
I've forgiven everything I ever held against my beloved Kacey. I utterly swear by it. I knew even when I hated that it was my fault, so it was just a lot of self loathing, and I am completely indebted to him for relieving me of that. I don't know when the last time I screwed up was. I guess it was when I was dating him.

Anyway.

I never wanted to be her. I couldn't stand the thought that someone else could hate me with such passion. I didn't even know I was capable of such hate. Of course, Abby assured me that Sarah would get over it and that we were free to date. Sarah and I had had a falling out over this little issue because she knew we were flirting. She's a tad bit dramatic and moody. Only a tad. If she had outright said anything to me, of course I would have never been her Kacey, because I understood.

Even when Trisha asked me the day before, she said she knew, but I was telling the truth. Emotion got the best of logic and loyalty. Oops... That was January 25th. The twenty-sixth I saw JUNO and told him. The twenty-seventh I made a playlist of 27 songs that made me incredibly happy because they made me think of him. I don't know what they were for the most part, so I don't associate them with him. Although there is quite a bit more that makes me think of him... He said he'd think about it. He liked me, but he didn't know if he secretly was still crushing on Hillary. I wouldn't have minded. He was still ridiculously jealous of Matt. Maybe still is. There's nothing there, and after him, there hasn't been since. He didn't realize. Still doesn't.

Our first kiss was on Valentine's Day. He made me an adorable "slide show" that he spent hours working on. I filled some of a book of words for him. I wish I could see that. I don't know what I wrote in the throws of emotion. I'm pretty sure there was dirty txting before our first kiss. Some emotional secret sharing too. Yep, in the same night. Lemme check that... Yep, February 7th I think. Then on, possibly the 9th? A picture of him lifting weights without a top on. That was hot. I'm still hot for him. I can't believe how insecure he is. I guess he thought I wanted an Adonis. *sigh*

Anyway, masturbating was a whole lot more fun because there were images and ideas to try. Plus the emotion and fantasizing pleasure of having a distinct "lover" to think about. I had my first orgasm because of the dirty txting. (I think?) I also was a lot more willing to try things on my own because in my head, I was practicing to show him. Although I did have my first (and last as of this writing) lesbian sex dream. It wasn't bad. I still haven't watched porn, but I started researching things we could buy once he was 18. I'm sure if we were still dating I would have given him head, or at least a hand job. I got close to the handjob... On the band bus. Never again.

I didn't mind, really. Of course Matt is right to say I'm sexually frustrated, but for a while I stopped taking the wrappers off of bottles. I learned a lot about myself, what I'm willing to do, how trivial I view a lot of emotion and experiences, and just about relationships and how to feel physically good. He was sweet and romantic when we talked, but accidentally, cutely. Before we were dating he told me he would never let me lick the floor of the first practice room. He also said if I ever needed a hug he'd be there. I wonder if they still apply. We shared nightly dreams, day dreams, fears, goals, the weather, and then stupid little things. However, I have no idea what we talked about for small talk other than drumline.

Jeff once said he had an entire conversation with him about running water. Really? I want that now. I sorta wanted it then.

I completely forgot about our after school/before drumline special. We had two, and I don't remember when the other one was. Maybe it was three? Yes, three. We organized crayons and I read the book he wrote when he was six about his birthday party. I dressed up as a pirate and we watched [S]crubs together. I do miss that. I don't know when the other one was, but I had to take out the wallet in his back pants pocket so I could grab his ass better.

Anyway, I went to his house, and his sister was there, which was weird. We watched [S]crubs again, not a particularly interesting episode I think. Then I wanted to see his Pokemon cards so we went to the basement to look. However, they were up in his room... He found them and I legitimately wanted to look at them because I knew what being in his room would lead to and I was hesitant. I was looking at the book on the floor, and he suggested we go to the bed. I knew, and was fluttery about it, but who gives a fuck. (haha) He was rushing me looking at them, which really was upsetting in hind sight because he just wanted me to lay down so he could get on me instead of waiting for me to finish with the cards. There are plastic glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. I'm sure they mean so much more to me than to him. We made Nutella sammiches and turns out Nutella kisses are just regular kisses.

It's odd because it's JoeKat, but I write incredibly distanced from it all. It was nice, but it also wasn't really him in my mind...

Postscript: Still haven't had a lesbian sex dream since then