Why am I worth waiting for? Why does it happen that guys would rather say no than corrupt me? Why can't I be a normal fuck and chuck. I'm so frustrated. I've done things I never wanted to and figure it's better doing something than nothing. I think my innocence made me worth loving. I think I loved myself for my innocence.
I'd rather be wanted than needed. To be wanted is selfish satisfaction. To be needed is selfish control, a selfish power, and one can let the other person down. Still, I'd rather be either than neither.
Much as I disdain the lifestyle, I've always seen myself as capable of being a housewife. At least in the beginning, until I get resentful or the man gets complacent. If I had somebody respectable to love who'd love to fuck me, I could get on my hands and knees to scrub the floor.
"We won't touch, but I'll do 100 sit ups a day for two weeks."
I had a dream about Jimmy last night. Well, the main focus wasn't him, but he's probably why I remembered it. Him, Rob, Josh, and Grayson were renting an apartment in Philly together, and Grayson had invited me over for a party. After guiltily cockblocking him and his girlfriend for some of my dream, I ventured out to see the rest of the party. Jimmy and Josh did not acknowledge me, and I didn't know what so say. Then I made fun of Rob. There was drinking, so I left, and walked around Philly for a while. I was sad and had forgotten where I'd parked.
"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise."
— Robert Fritz
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