tell me everything
i want to know everything about everything

I got kicked out of band last night because I don't have the class
and I had dressed like an emo
because it was picture day
and nobody recognized me
Wasiq didn't want to sit with me
but then laughed a lot
when he realized it was me
and nobody said hi to me in the halls
because they didn't know it was me
and that it was okay to say hi
because it's a tough decision
who to say hi to

and I was dressed like an emo
when D told me I couldn't be in band anymore
and he told me it wasn't his decision
and I wanted to scream BULLSHIT
and cry
and run away
but I asked whose decision it was
and he said the guidance counselor and principal
which is a lie
but we'll take it to a higher fight
so I walked away
and I cried a little bit
and the kids on the drumline bus wondered what had happened
and Mike and Rose texted me all night
and Mike cried during saints
when there was no one to yell with
and he teared up during the songs
when nobody was dancing
and I went to the game anyway
dressed like an emo
and nobody knew me
and I teared up when I heard saints
and I teared up when Mike texted me
and Rose texted me
and it wasn't the same
and then I visited them during third quarter
and Mike hugged me for a long time
because he was my freshman buddy

after I got home
I texted Jeff
and I told him that I couldn't be in band anymore and that I went down on Fava on Wednesday and that I talked to Jimmy and it was awkward and that I missed talking to him (Jeff)
and he said
"I've been feeling generally unhappy and uninterested in life. Sorry to hear about band. miss you too"
and I thought maybe he was joking
because it was emo day
so I took a picture of me dressed like an emo
captioned
"that hurt"
and he didn't respond for a minute
and then ten minutes
and I wondered maybe he wasn't joking
and I cried
because all he said was "sorry about band"
the activity that I'd been in since my freshman year
meant so much to me
introduced me to him
and to Viv
and pancakes
and pit parties
and my whole life
was that band
and he said "sorry to hear about band"
and I cried

Matt and I haven't been good friends for a while
I haven't had a class with him for two years
our senior class picture was Wednesday
and afterwards we had all the "friend" pictures
and I didn't belong in any of them
there is no group I belong with
I had people to stand with
and I got in a few photos
but I didn't belong there
it made me feel very, very alone
Matt dressed like Waldo
because it was a senior prank we came up with when we were still BFFs
and Kingsboro made him take his hat off

I got on the "WOW" fridge of the annoying new art teacher for color and 2D and we all talk about how they basically replaced Las with young and annoying Las
she called my house
to tell my parents I was doing an outstanding job
and my dad wasn't hoe
*home
and she didn't call again or leave a message

my sweater smells like smoke
because we had a bonfire pit party last Saturday
and Mike and Rose and Mason S. came
and it was an awesome party
really splendid and fun and a great kick off
and then afterwards
it was Matt, Stasi, Katie R., and Nick K.
and the last two were dating
and awful
and about to end their relationship
(they did today)
and Katie was annoying and overconfident in her abilities and Nick doesn't belong and kept talking and Stasi listend and responded and Matt and I stared at the fire
and Stasi, being perceptive, noticed, and asked us
and Matt said we were the last kids truly in the pit
and I wanted him to say it
because I had kept thinking it
how he is Jeff
and I am Viv without cooking and a little bit Jeff
and how things haven't been the same


and I looked at all of Jeff's old pictures today
from that party
at the D.'s
when it snowed like ice
and we ran outside
and played bear in the east
and sledded to katie r.'s
when she was still fun
and tore up her yard
and almost fell into the ravine
and I loved Matt then
and he didn't love Kacey yet
and JoeKat loved Gina
and she loved him too
and we were all friends
and Trisha was still invited to parties and part of our school
sometimes, I think she is really lonely too

thank you for being my confessional

always.