I've never loved fearlessly, even the first time and even in the summer. While it's something I hope for, it's not something I expect to achieve. My brother I love completely and without reservation. My friends I love warmly and for my idea of them, even if that concept is not accurate to their reality. It's hard to thoroughly know someone to love "the real them." I love concepts in the interim, striving for that full disclosure. It is being in love, however, that is scary. It is something with finite end, but changes relationships despite that previous knowledge. I know that this cannot last, that my silly girl thoughts are born of naivety and impracticality. This is not beneficial. This is creating a terrible model for the future. Still, it feels good. It would feel even better to abandon thought and "do." I'll forget that it will end and hurt and ruin beautiful things so that there is more sweetness to remember when the pain finally does kick in.
I am battered by the tumultuous nature of "us." I hate how easy it is to fall back to indulgent habits. I am plagued by a sense of powerlessness and a guilt for feeling powerless.
This is not how the real world works.
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