I've Conditioned Myself to Salivate

I'm much farther emotionally removed than I ever recall from my past. Was it drifting? I'm fairly positive it wasn't a sudden shift, but I can't see a gradient. My words are not meant maliciously. Little things go unnoticed until they're big things that barely raise an interest. There's such an emotional gap it's not worth the effort to fix anything. I'm surprised when things escalate, seemingly without provocation, but I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I don't hold resentment. I simply don't think about it. I feel less human for it, but my daily existence is satisfied happiness.

I don't want a job. I don't buy things. At this point in life, I feel that if I get a job, I will start having expenses that I didn't before, and they will be hard to break. My favorite place to shop is Goodwill. It's out of necessity now, but I don't feel awkward there. I don't have a car and prefer to walk. I pack a lunch. I dislike going to restaurants. I dislike going to movies. I'd much rather have a cooking party with friends followed by conversation, with the occasional possibility of popping in a $3 rental. Even in a professional future, I feel so worn down by the Garnet Valley interpretation of middle class that simple aesthetics are more "fit" for me. I want job satisfaction and at least a barely livable salary. Unfortunately, that leads to long stretches of unemployment, as I have to figure out which jobs will provide that first.

In writing that, I realized there's really no such thing as "popping in a rental," because nobody rents VHS anymore. Online movies stream, and DVDs slide in I guess. I don't think it's the same verb, or it shouldn't be. I still need to watch a bunch of movies from my New Year's Resolution list. I think I've only gotten 5 of them.

I used to think this was a meritocracy. That idea's been a long time dead.