Looking at my room, there are posters for awesome bands and movies, and a record player to capture all those sounds on vinyl. My feet rest under a keyboard, and my guitar and mandolin rest on nearby furniture. From the seat at my laptop, my awesome door mural is visibly devoted to quotes of all literary merit and cultural significance and art of my own design. There's my All-Delco HiQ Team plaque and NJHS chords to prove academic merit. There are dried flowers from the boys who loved me and a whole cork board full of memories. The picture from our AP Psych field trip sits three feet away from a picture taken with Matt.
Whatever life I had last June was completely destroyed by September. Since then, I can't seem to convince myself that I'm not a waste of space here. I'm very excited for college with the hopes that the larger pool of people will provide a group for me that actually fits. Still, I am the one who has hurt everyone I loved, so it's probably not the location. I've spent four or five weeks in contact with a National Guard recruiter. My personality doesn't matter so much in the Guard, and if I die, it will be nobly and unavoidably. I can enlist in July, serve my weekends, go to BTC next summer, take my personalized career training the summer after, and go to officer school the summer after that. Officer school acceptance looks good. When I took the practice ASVAB, I got a 96%, but only because I ran out of time on one simple arithmetic problem that was not making sense to me. The minimum enlistment is 8 years. During that time, I'd be paid, get health and life insurance, and they'd pay for nearly all of college, but no guarantee I wouldn't be [deployed] after two years. My dad says I should wait until two years into school to enlist, which is a reasonable consideration. The only real issues are I don't want to kill anyone, and I want to graduate from college. Jack has been considering the Army or Marines. I never ever thought that we could be a military family. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing else for us.
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