What Do I Want

I want to fall in love again, but I suspect that is a fickle notion brought about by feelings of summertime and my recent reading material. Everything Matters! was a good recommendation from Dan, and revitalized a little hero worship for my dad. Both that sentiment and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance have made me question my definition of masculine and what I look for in a guy. It's a good complement to my recent self-probing on what it means to be feminine. I've determined that on a day to day basis, the kinds of guys I want to date are different from the ones I'd spend the rest of my life with, and that I don't want to get hurt by wasting my time with incompatible people. I still fall infatuated by talent, though. Such is life, and boys and girls have always had such a sad time with each other. My lack of emotion has prevented any worthwhile attachments recently, to more or less anything. (Though I've been crying a lot lately for not feeling much.) I'd like for some passion to externally direct who I should become, but there is still nothing that I'd be satisfied doing for eight hours a day. I need the variation, and maybe a kick in the pants. I'm going to call Tyler's admissions on Monday and ask about their Bachelor of Arts in Art. It's an almost redundant degree, but complements a liberal arts degree and would give me that creative outlet I've been missing. We'll see. I've got some basic sketches for upcoming projects, and maybe I should write. I started journaling again. Summer is good for that, as is this notebook meant for Italy- Steve did a good job with it. I'm going to read for a bit more. Mom and I are going to the 12 o'clock service at Holy Child, and she wants me to wear the white dress we got around Easter, so in the morning I'll be shaving for Jesus.